Aibu to ban partners cousin from our house?(123 Posts)
Bit of backstory - I live with my partner, two year old and another baby due next year.
Partners cousin rents a room in a house maybe a 10 minute walk from us. Rest of the family also live within close proximity however cousin has fallen out with all of them and from what I can see it’s his fault. DP feels sorry for him I think so often invites him for dinner or to watch a film, which is fine. This has been ever since we moved in together 4 years ago. However, my problem is that cousin has got WAY to comfortable. He often turns up unannounced, even if DP is at work, and will just sit and watch tv with me and DD2. He almost always outstays his welcome (by days). He’ll watch a film with us and then just not leave, we end up going to bed then he’s still here in the morning. Anyway, to crack on I’ll give some examples - back in July I went on a short holiday (2 nights 3 days). He came the day before I left to keep DP company while I was gone which is fine. However when I got back he just didn’t leave and ended up staying another 4 days, making his stay 8 days long in total. Which is completely out of my comfort zone as I just want my privacy and very much hate people staying in my house lol. I’m not confrontation at all but in the end I had to ask him to go as it was just getting ridiculous. Another ridiculous example is when I gave birth to my first, I stayed in hospital for the night and he went to our house to have a drink with DP. We got home from hospital the next day with our new baby and he was still there and then stayed another 3 days.
Now DP is suggesting we invite him for Christmas but I’m saying a definite NO as I know it will frustrate me because he won’t bloody leave and it’s my DDs last Christmas without a sibling, I just want it to be our little family. It’s just getting to be a joke now and I’m not sure what to say! To be honest I have seen so much of him in my house I’m starting to be really resentful even though we generally get on well. My DP agrees but doesn’t want to mention it as he feels sorry for him. Any suggestions on how I can approach this without falling out?
I think you need to start really seeing your home as your territory. He's impinging on it. Youve been conditioned to be accommodating as so many of us were Fuck accommodating. This is your land. He has no right to be here. It's up to you whose allowed within your territory.
I just can't understand why you let him stay 8 days, particularly if he wasn't washing or changing his clothes. Why would you conceivably let that go on for more than one day at most?
So just don’t allow him access to your property, it’s not complex, ffs. Get your boyfriend to sort it out and don’t allow his loser cousin into your property unless he has been specifically invited. ‘Oh, hi, we’re busy now, can’t stop, bye *close door’ ‘do not pound the door and ring the bell thanks, I’m busy, can’t talk, bye *close door’. This is a non-issue.
That's a good start hinny but you've got to stop letting him in! Practise saying outloud, no cousinsname it's not a good time, or whatever it is you would say. Literally say it out loud to the mirror a bunch of times so that you've practised for the next time he tries coming round. Then say your thing, and shut the door. Don't let him argue, don't let him in.
Glad to hear your DP is on the same page now.
I’d have wanted to say... ‘well, if you didn’t spend so much time in the pub, you wouldn’t be so skint’.
You read him like a book. But it was your perfect opportunity to say 'sorry you need to go home now, we've got things to get on with'
If he complains reply, this isn't a drop in or home from home situation, it's our home and we want to do things on our own.
And tbh I wouldn't have answered the door in the first place.
Did dp text him, does he know he's supposed to text first?
Wow. He is really using you. I think you definitely need to start telling him to go home at dinner time, ‘Anyway cousin, we’re about to sit down and eat now so you’ll have to get going.’
He’s obviously very thick skinned and either oblivious to or unbothered by social norms do I wouldn’t worry about offending him or being rude. I think you just have to be blunt until he gets the message.
Yesterday you said DH was going to talk to him and if not you would send the text you drafted. He clearly hasn’t talked to him so it’s time for action.
Just make sure you do not open the door to him tonight. You need to be much tougher on him and not let him in. It's better but not really much of a fresh start if you still allow him to turn up unannounced. DH and I do not even open the door even with the lights on these days because we have some leftover CFS that still chance their luck.
Well done at not making him food, that's a good step and clearly worked. But - stop letting him in!
When DH isn't there just say "Sorry, not convenient right now. DH isn't here. I'll get him to call you when he returns." then - Shut. The. Door.
You said earlier in the thread that you don't want him around anymore. But if you let him in when even your DH isn't there how do you expect your DH to take your suggestion that he doesn't come at all seriously?
Op has a small DC and is pregnant and feels really awkward because this guy has groomed the DH and Op to feel sorry for him. So she is actually making great strides.
Finding this so irritating why don’t you just bloody say something to him?!? You let him ruin the first few days of your child’s life by hanging around?! Wtf?!
Well done OP. Nicely played there. All you need to do now is to keep this up.
That's an improvement, but you'll need to be more assertive still. Next time (don't worry, there'll be one) ask him what he's come round for and whatever the answer say 'sorry, we're really busy right now but we'll catch up soon - I'll get DP to text you. Bye!' And go back in. If he says he wants to see your DD, bring her to the door to say hello and then 'well, we'd better get on, see you soon' and close door. It'll be hard the first time but it'll get easier every time you do it.
Don't let him in - get a chain for the door and when you see it is him just say 'we're busy' and shut the door.
This guy has no shame - he's bullying you - he's making you feel as if you have to let him into your home. You don't.
Hi all thanks for replies
Just an update.
Cousin knocked on the door today about 3pm. Dp was at work (as he always is and cousin knows this). He stated it was a flying visit so I let him in to say hello to dd for a minute. He sat there for an hour moaning about how he was crawling to payday and didn’t have much food left at home so it was obvious why he came round. It was 3pm, I had already made dds lunch and I thought sod making lunch again for this user so I just ignored and said “we’re in the same boat we need to go shopping tonight”. After an hour he got up and said “I’m gonna shoot because I’m starving and I’ve got things to do” and off he went. So it was very very clear that he had only come round expecting me to make him food! Bloody cheek of it!
1. Suggest a reasonable rate to charge him for rent and let him know that you expect this paid on the 1st of each month. If you're feeling generours, ask him if cash or bank transfer would be more convenient for him. You know, be flexible.
2. Ask him if he if he would prefer to prepare a meal for everyone on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays, or Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays? On Fridays he can pay for his own takeaway.
3. Hand him the vacuum. "Your turn!"
4. Let him know which days you and DH will be having date night so that he can be there to he babysit.
This situation would force me to be blunt and loud at the cousin, unless I was on the receiving end of any kind of controlling manipulative or abusive stuff from my DP.
I've had to learn to be this ruthless with a few friends who are crap at knowing when to go.
I'm also awkward round the subject of welcome and whether it's outstayed, myself. But I'm being assessed for what they say is most certainly autism.
Has your husband spoken to him yet?
I can't believe you can live like this with this man lounging around in your living room, kipping on your sofa, eating your food. Other folk have fallen out with him, maybe it's time you did too.
No way to live at all, especially with new baby coming soon.
By the way, are you sure he still lives in his rented place? Sounds like he's moved in with you. Rent free.
I'm sorry OP, but why the fuck are you going about your day ignoring him in your house? I cannot believe that you would allow him stay on your couch all day, wash up cups after him and wait until your partner gets home and then have dinner?
You are an adult. It can be very difficult for families to stand up to each other due to past family history, family dynamics etc. But you have no such history with him. Tell him to fuck off out of your house and don't come back. Save your partner the awkwardness of having to do it.
You're a big girl. It's your home. You shouldn't need your partner to fight your corner for you. You can deal with him yourself and you can deal with your partner's lack of boundaries separately. Tell him if he lets him in late at night again, or if he sleeps on the couch one more night, that he will be coming home the next day to you and your daughter moved out. And mean it. You're not working. Your daughter is small. Right now you don't have anything holding you there. Go to your mum's and see how your partner likes living with his cousin (without you).
I cannot understand how you could allow him to sit around the house all day especially when Dh is at work. Use @FraglesRock suggested text - it's perfect. And then stop answing the door to him. Open a window when he calls round and tell him he can't come in.
It sounds to me as though he thinks of your home as his, and the place he has up the road is just where he stores his stuff. I would put a stop to him having meals at your house, and certainly put a stop to him staying the night. He's not going to grow up and get his life together while other people accommodate him.
I think you and your DP are in FOG. Fear Obligation. Guilt.
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