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Aibu to ban partners cousin from our house?

(123 Posts)
Helpmelmaooo Wed 20-Nov-19 22:39:54

Bit of backstory - I live with my partner, two year old and another baby due next year.
Partners cousin rents a room in a house maybe a 10 minute walk from us. Rest of the family also live within close proximity however cousin has fallen out with all of them and from what I can see it’s his fault. DP feels sorry for him I think so often invites him for dinner or to watch a film, which is fine. This has been ever since we moved in together 4 years ago. However, my problem is that cousin has got WAY to comfortable. He often turns up unannounced, even if DP is at work, and will just sit and watch tv with me and DD2. He almost always outstays his welcome (by days). He’ll watch a film with us and then just not leave, we end up going to bed then he’s still here in the morning. Anyway, to crack on I’ll give some examples - back in July I went on a short holiday (2 nights 3 days). He came the day before I left to keep DP company while I was gone which is fine. However when I got back he just didn’t leave and ended up staying another 4 days, making his stay 8 days long in total. Which is completely out of my comfort zone as I just want my privacy and very much hate people staying in my house lol. I’m not confrontation at all but in the end I had to ask him to go as it was just getting ridiculous. Another ridiculous example is when I gave birth to my first, I stayed in hospital for the night and he went to our house to have a drink with DP. We got home from hospital the next day with our new baby and he was still there and then stayed another 3 days.
Now DP is suggesting we invite him for Christmas but I’m saying a definite NO as I know it will frustrate me because he won’t bloody leave and it’s my DDs last Christmas without a sibling, I just want it to be our little family. It’s just getting to be a joke now and I’m not sure what to say! To be honest I have seen so much of him in my house I’m starting to be really resentful even though we generally get on well. My DP agrees but doesn’t want to mention it as he feels sorry for him. Any suggestions on how I can approach this without falling out?

Aquamarine1029 Thu 21-Nov-19 00:15:41

Your partner is fucking useless. I would be totally fed up with him.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Thu 21-Nov-19 00:22:29

I second @messolini9’s strategic rant!

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 00:23:21

I’m absolutely furious. Partner has gone to walk cousin home now, don’t really see why he has to go with him but whatever as long as he gets rid of the bastard. I’m actually in disbelief that anyone would find it ok to ring anyone’s doorbell at this time let alone a family with a young child! I’m going to give it to him when he gets back.

messolini9 Thu 21-Nov-19 00:29:56

I’m going to give it to him when he gets back.

That's the ticket! Use that anger! FFS you didn't sign up to having his cousin in near constant attendance.
While you're at it, make it be known loud & clear that the birth of your 2nd child is NOT going to be overshadowed by Cousin lurking in your home.

DP & Cousin need to learn that he can visit by pre-arrangement, like all respectful folk. All this dropping in is feckin' ridiculous.

Whatsnewpussyhat Thu 21-Nov-19 00:33:03

Stop being so bloody meek and tell the man to fuck off!!
Tell him he is not to come round without prior notice, not to come round whilst your DP isn't there and that he is definitely not to come round when you have just given birth. Ffs.

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 00:40:59

I have had it out with dp and told him to text cousin and say it was totally out of order coming here at this time and he is no longer welcome unless it’s for a couple of hours pre arranged. Will update if this actually happens but if it doesn’t then i will text him myself. Anyone able to write a text out for me ahaha?. for now I’ve also asked him why his cousins needs are more important than mine aka why do I have to feel constantly uncomfortable in my own home just so his cousin can freeload off us basically. I also said when I come home with my new baby will his cousin be waiting here for us? I think he has got the point now as he’s said he doesn’t want to argue but his cousin is his family and they’ve grown up together etc etc. I’ve had to explain to him that he isn’t a little boy anymore inviting his friends and cousins round to play PlayStation or whatever, now he has a family it doesn’t really work like that.

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 00:43:16

Also would like to add that when cousin has just been paid we don’t see him because he’s in the pub with his mates paying for their nights out etc, then when he’s broke that seems to be when he crawls up to our house.

Laserbird16 Thu 21-Nov-19 00:43:17

Is your DPs cousin Autistic? My DHs step brother is and is by no means this bad but sometimes he just doesn't think his visits may be inconvenient/irritating.

How would a direct 'time to go home cousin!' be received? Or 'now is not a good time'. Your DP needs to get on board and enforce this too. Maybe set some ground rules no visits after 8pm etc?

Butterymuffin Thu 21-Nov-19 00:43:54

You've got a DP problem. He clearly likes having the guy hanging around for company. Tell him you've had enough. And don't let the bloke in when he just turns up!

Laserbird16 Thu 21-Nov-19 00:44:17

Crossbody...good rant!

Laserbird16 Thu 21-Nov-19 00:44:35

FFS crosspost

messolini9 Thu 21-Nov-19 00:44:54

Well done Help - what a result.

As to the text, if DP bottles it, you could always text Cousin a link to this thread ... ;)

Beveren Thu 21-Nov-19 00:48:24

he’s said he doesn’t want to argue but his cousin is his family and they’ve grown up together etc etc

So what? I grew up with my siblings but wouldn't dream of doing this to them. Ask your partner if he would.

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 00:49:17

@Laserbird16 he’s not autistic, we haven’t ever really tried the approach of simply telling him to leave aside from the time after he stayed for 8 days when I said something like “(name) you’ve been here for 8 days now you should probably go home and we’re going out now anyway” and one other time when I got up and put mine and my child’s shoes on and said “we’re going out now can you hold DDs hand while I lock the door after us”.
It’s strange because it was just a couple of weeks ago he was saying to me about his friend and his girlfriend who he also visits equally the same amount as us, apparently the girlfried will let her partner have friends round before the kids go to bed but won’t let anyone in after that. Cousin seems to agree and accept this but still thinks it’s okay to knock on my door at midnight. It’s like he just doesn’t care about disturbing us (me).

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 00:51:39

Cousin works weekend nights, there has even been times sometimes when he’ll finish a night shift and come straight here and knock on our door at 7.30am on a Saturday or Sunday - DD isn’t even awake then let alone me and DP! Luckily DP will sleep through anything so on those occasions I have just ignored and he has gone away (knew it was him from a cheeky peep through the curtains)

Butterymuffin Thu 21-Nov-19 00:56:27

Text: 'You've been coming round a lot late at night and early mornings. Please stop doing that and only come round if you've asked me first and checked it's ok. Don't just ask DP - it's my place too.'

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 00:57:04

I think cousin has just spent his life freeloading and sofa surfing and clearly feels comfortable doing it to us too. I’m just going to patiently wait until the time I will eventually snap and he’ll be too scared to come here again grin

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 01:00:27

Even now I’ve gone to bed, DP is downstairs and I’m still texting him seething hahaha

Bluerussian Thu 21-Nov-19 01:43:18

He must know he's taking the proverbial or is he so thick skinned that he really doesn't? It's interesting that he has fallen out with his family. I presume he hasn't been married or had a girlfriend for a long time. Does he smell horrible?

Many many years ago (when I was young and charming), I knew a nice young couple who had a 'friend' who lived just around the corner. He used to invite himself round all the time, was a semi permanent fixture in their home. They had other friends who came round in the usual sort of way and he felt as though they were his friends too, by association. He had no real friends or family, was socially inept and had terrible BO. No girl was ever interested in the guy. He wasn't a bad person, just a nuisance. I don't know what happened to him, I moved away, met husband and married so lost touch, but what you say reminds me of him. Frankly, the guy was an embarrassment to himself as much as anyone else. He was younger than the cousin the op talks about, we were all twenty somethings.

Someone else used to visit a couple every evening after work (he lived downstairs), would go into their kitchen and cook his meal - he brought his own food but used their gas/electricity - every evening. Unbelievable. He wasn't socially inept at all so I don't know how he had the cheek. They let him get away with it for too long but he did eventually emigrate :-).

Helpmelmaooo, who are you texting from your bed?

You have to tell this guy straight, he won't take hints. It was totally unacceptable for him to be staying at yours after you had your first child and he just can-not do the same when you have the next one.

You're entitled to privacy and he must learn not to wear out his welcome.

Cuteypye Thu 21-Nov-19 01:55:49

You are nearly as much to blame as your dp. Why have you let the cousin get away with this for so long? You admit that you normally don’t say anything to the cousin. You let him come in to watch tv with you and dd, even when dp isn’t there!! If you don’t tell him to leave/not let him in, what’s do you actually expect?

Hopefully tonight is the straw that breaks the camels back, but you and dp have to be in agreement about if/when the cousin can visit and you need to stand firm.

itsAlmostXmas Thu 21-Nov-19 05:37:13

Well done OP!

Does he have a drinking problem?

Shoxfordian Thu 21-Nov-19 05:49:11

I hope your dp starts prioritizing you and your dc

Is he usually this useless at looking after you all?

GiveHerHellFromUs Thu 21-Nov-19 06:17:32

You did well with your DP rant OP!

EleanorShellstrop100 Thu 21-Nov-19 06:26:44

Your partner is the problem.

EleanorShellstrop100 Thu 21-Nov-19 06:27:41

Posted too soon. Sounds like your partner enjoys his company and wants him there and actively invites him knowing he won’t leave. You need to get your partner to sort it out. I’d say that if he comes for Christmas you will be going elsewhere with your daughter.

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