Aibu to ban partners cousin from our house?(123 Posts)
Bit of backstory - I live with my partner, two year old and another baby due next year.
Partners cousin rents a room in a house maybe a 10 minute walk from us. Rest of the family also live within close proximity however cousin has fallen out with all of them and from what I can see it’s his fault. DP feels sorry for him I think so often invites him for dinner or to watch a film, which is fine. This has been ever since we moved in together 4 years ago. However, my problem is that cousin has got WAY to comfortable. He often turns up unannounced, even if DP is at work, and will just sit and watch tv with me and DD2. He almost always outstays his welcome (by days). He’ll watch a film with us and then just not leave, we end up going to bed then he’s still here in the morning. Anyway, to crack on I’ll give some examples - back in July I went on a short holiday (2 nights 3 days). He came the day before I left to keep DP company while I was gone which is fine. However when I got back he just didn’t leave and ended up staying another 4 days, making his stay 8 days long in total. Which is completely out of my comfort zone as I just want my privacy and very much hate people staying in my house lol. I’m not confrontation at all but in the end I had to ask him to go as it was just getting ridiculous. Another ridiculous example is when I gave birth to my first, I stayed in hospital for the night and he went to our house to have a drink with DP. We got home from hospital the next day with our new baby and he was still there and then stayed another 3 days.
Now DP is suggesting we invite him for Christmas but I’m saying a definite NO as I know it will frustrate me because he won’t bloody leave and it’s my DDs last Christmas without a sibling, I just want it to be our little family. It’s just getting to be a joke now and I’m not sure what to say! To be honest I have seen so much of him in my house I’m starting to be really resentful even though we generally get on well. My DP agrees but doesn’t want to mention it as he feels sorry for him. Any suggestions on how I can approach this without falling out?
I came on to say YABU as he's family but he sounds like a right royal pain in the arse. Unless you can say "Right, it's time for you to go now" as you hold open the door then I'd be saying you don't want him coming round.
@spacepyramid I have told DP that I don’t want him in the house anymore as clearly he can’t just come for a few hours and leave but DP says he doesn’t have the heart to tell him
I guess the main thing I’m worried about at the moment is when I give birth I don’t want him to be in our house as I want to breastfeed and just have bonding time in general and I would feel like I couldn’t do that in front of a middle aged man who isn’t my partner! When I had my first i just felt uncomfortable because of the bleeding and lactating etc and then just this man in my house. Still feel really resentful and I think I’ll snap if he tries to do it again which obviously I don’t want to happen
If he won't then you'll have to - how does your DP feel about that?
Maybe invite him round but say at the offset that you have a friend coming round at X (and get one of your friends to turn up) so have limited time?
@spacepyramid I have tried inviting a friend round, he just squishes up on the sofa with us and still stays. It’s a joke. Also as he lives near us he spends a lot of time in the pub so whenever DP goes to the corner shop he will see him through the window and come out and come home with him.
Sounds like he doesnt enjoy his living arrangement renting a room and so is getting his days in crashing around your house, which of course isnt right. You need to put an end to it and maybe this will give him the kick up the arse to find a new living arrangement (if this is the case).
Sorry but there is no way I would have him gatecrashing my house at any given chance, visiting is all well and good but he is having a laugh
You shouldn't need to invesnt excuses or overthink this OP.
You ARE capable of showing him the door - your comment I’m not confrontation at all but in the end I had to ask him to go proves that.
For now, work on that.
You don't need to give a reason. You don't need to explain or justify.
"OK Gary it's been great seeing you but I want some time just with immediate family now".
However you need to have a giant talk wth DH.
You cannot have your 2nd birth taken over like the 1st one.
It's totally unacceptable for this cousin to hang around when you have just had your baby!
DP seems to keep bleating about not having the heart to deal with his cousin outstaying his welcome.
He's fine with you being put out, inconvenienced, & invaded in your own home though isn't he?
It's time for him to put you first.
This is ridiculous! Does he bring a supply of clean clothes and toiletries? Do you cook and feed and clean up after him? I bet your DP doesn't bloody do it does he. You might as well charge him rent because it's more like he lives with you and stays somewhere else occasionally.
Bloody hell, what a cheeky fucker! You can't carry on like this with a newborn on the way.
I would seriously be having a full on screaming heebie jeebies breakdown at DP - he needs to man up and tell cheeky fucker cousin Leech that enough's enough. You guys need space as a family and he needs to get a life of his own.
As pp said you need to put yourself first. It seems like your oh is on board with that which is great but he also needs to get on board with telling the cousin he needs family time.
He seems to go when you ask him to. Can you now tell him when he turns up either that it's not convenient, or that he can come in but must be gone by a set time - and tell him to leave when you reach that time?
That was meant to be Can you not, not Can you now.
OP you are just going to have to tell him that he needs to live in his own house and to ring before he
Comes round as you want to breast feed your baby and will not let him in when you do. Tell DH that’s it’s cousins turn to reciprocate & he has to start going to his house to give you a break
He lives a 20 min walk away! Why is he staying? Also odd that you both go to bed and leave him in the house.
Just say, ‘it’s been nice seeing you, but we need some quiet family time now.’ Big smile and open the front door. Done.
He's fine with you being put out, inconvenienced, & invaded in your own home though isn't he?
So true. How come he lets this happen to you rather than telling his cousin to just fuck off? The cousin has zero social awareness, he needs telling. Don’t let your 2nd birth experience be ruined by this socially inept bloke again! I think tell your DH he is not allowed in the house once you’re home with the baby.
Your partner needs to grow some balls for one, but until that happens you will need to be the adult and tell this scrounger to fuck off and leave. For fuck's sake, take control and live in peace. Stop being so passive about your own needs and boundaries.
You need to start telling him when he needs to go. He isn't worried about overstaying his welcome and making you feel uncomfortable so you have no obligation to look after his feelings.
Your DH needs to step up when the baby arrives and take responsibility for preserving your privacy and dignity. Make it very clear to him that he will not put his desire to be nice to his cousin before his responsibility to you. Give him the words to use when telling his cousin he can't come in if necessary.
You and your DH need to stand your ground together from now on. If your DH isn't that keen, make it a lot harder for him to sideline your wishes than his cousin's.
When you asked him to leave when he got too much before? Why can't you go that every time he gets too much? Cousin is obviously missing social queues so you have to spell it out for him. Start by not letting him stay over EVER, there's no need when he lives nearby.
Fine to ban him when the baby comes and also over xmas. Let your DP make you the bad guy “helpmelamoo just wants it to be us today". You're being a pushover though and you need to stand up for yourself!
You need to get on with being brazen; "Right then we're going to bed, time to go back to your own bed now Cousin, see you again soon!" "Sorry no you can't come in,
I've just given birth and need quiet time without visitors." "Right it's parents and children time now, off you go Barry, see you another time!"
Get him a girlfriend asap and hope she is not that sociable.
Thanks for all your replies, think you all hit the nail on the head in terms of him being socially inapt!
Me and DP were literally about to go to bed 20 mins ago, locked the doors turned heating off etc and he rang the door bell. My two year old is asleep in bed and he thinks it’s ok to knock on our door at this time of night. I told DP not to answer the door as normal people don’t answer the door at this time but he has let him in (and told him he can only stay half hour). Absolute joke. Now I’ve got to go to bed stressed out
Also forgot to add that he is drunk too! I actually feel offended that he thinks this is ok.
Your DP answers the door to his drunk brother and lets him in at midnight? Frankly, he's being a total pillock. Words need to be had with him.
Now I’ve got to go to bed stressed out
No, now you can go downstairs, & ask cousin WTF he thinks he is playing at, ringing the bell at midnight when your 2 year old is asleep. While you're at it, ask DP WTF he is playing at, opening the door to socialising at midnight when presumably he has work the next day?
Get down there & have a good strategic rant.
It's time to wake the pair of them up to the fact that it's your house too, & that you need your privacy & down time.
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