Talk

Advanced search

Aibu to ban partners cousin from our house?

(123 Posts)
Helpmelmaooo Wed 20-Nov-19 22:39:54

Bit of backstory - I live with my partner, two year old and another baby due next year.
Partners cousin rents a room in a house maybe a 10 minute walk from us. Rest of the family also live within close proximity however cousin has fallen out with all of them and from what I can see it’s his fault. DP feels sorry for him I think so often invites him for dinner or to watch a film, which is fine. This has been ever since we moved in together 4 years ago. However, my problem is that cousin has got WAY to comfortable. He often turns up unannounced, even if DP is at work, and will just sit and watch tv with me and DD2. He almost always outstays his welcome (by days). He’ll watch a film with us and then just not leave, we end up going to bed then he’s still here in the morning. Anyway, to crack on I’ll give some examples - back in July I went on a short holiday (2 nights 3 days). He came the day before I left to keep DP company while I was gone which is fine. However when I got back he just didn’t leave and ended up staying another 4 days, making his stay 8 days long in total. Which is completely out of my comfort zone as I just want my privacy and very much hate people staying in my house lol. I’m not confrontation at all but in the end I had to ask him to go as it was just getting ridiculous. Another ridiculous example is when I gave birth to my first, I stayed in hospital for the night and he went to our house to have a drink with DP. We got home from hospital the next day with our new baby and he was still there and then stayed another 3 days.
Now DP is suggesting we invite him for Christmas but I’m saying a definite NO as I know it will frustrate me because he won’t bloody leave and it’s my DDs last Christmas without a sibling, I just want it to be our little family. It’s just getting to be a joke now and I’m not sure what to say! To be honest I have seen so much of him in my house I’m starting to be really resentful even though we generally get on well. My DP agrees but doesn’t want to mention it as he feels sorry for him. Any suggestions on how I can approach this without falling out?

spacepyramid Wed 20-Nov-19 22:42:05

I came on to say YABU as he's family but he sounds like a right royal pain in the arse. Unless you can say "Right, it's time for you to go now" as you hold open the door then I'd be saying you don't want him coming round.

Helpmelmaooo Wed 20-Nov-19 22:45:12

@spacepyramid I have told DP that I don’t want him in the house anymore as clearly he can’t just come for a few hours and leave but DP says he doesn’t have the heart to tell him

Helpmelmaooo Wed 20-Nov-19 22:47:36

I guess the main thing I’m worried about at the moment is when I give birth I don’t want him to be in our house as I want to breastfeed and just have bonding time in general and I would feel like I couldn’t do that in front of a middle aged man who isn’t my partner! When I had my first i just felt uncomfortable because of the bleeding and lactating etc and then just this man in my house. Still feel really resentful and I think I’ll snap if he tries to do it again which obviously I don’t want to happen

spacepyramid Wed 20-Nov-19 22:47:37

If he won't then you'll have to - how does your DP feel about that?
Maybe invite him round but say at the offset that you have a friend coming round at X (and get one of your friends to turn up) so have limited time?

Helpmelmaooo Wed 20-Nov-19 22:49:25

@spacepyramid I have tried inviting a friend round, he just squishes up on the sofa with us and still stays. It’s a joke. Also as he lives near us he spends a lot of time in the pub so whenever DP goes to the corner shop he will see him through the window and come out and come home with him.

Boots20 Wed 20-Nov-19 22:53:50

Sounds like he doesnt enjoy his living arrangement renting a room and so is getting his days in crashing around your house, which of course isnt right. You need to put an end to it and maybe this will give him the kick up the arse to find a new living arrangement (if this is the case).

Sorry but there is no way I would have him gatecrashing my house at any given chance, visiting is all well and good but he is having a laugh

messolini9 Wed 20-Nov-19 22:56:15

You shouldn't need to invesnt excuses or overthink this OP.

You ARE capable of showing him the door - your comment I’m not confrontation at all but in the end I had to ask him to go proves that.

For now, work on that.
You don't need to give a reason. You don't need to explain or justify.
"OK Gary it's been great seeing you but I want some time just with immediate family now".

However you need to have a giant talk wth DH.
You cannot have your 2nd birth taken over like the 1st one.
It's totally unacceptable for this cousin to hang around when you have just had your baby!

DP seems to keep bleating about not having the heart to deal with his cousin outstaying his welcome.
He's fine with you being put out, inconvenienced, & invaded in your own home though isn't he?
It's time for him to put you first.

FoxOnABox Wed 20-Nov-19 23:01:09

This is ridiculous! Does he bring a supply of clean clothes and toiletries? Do you cook and feed and clean up after him? I bet your DP doesn't bloody do it does he. You might as well charge him rent because it's more like he lives with you and stays somewhere else occasionally.

Bloody hell, what a cheeky fucker! You can't carry on like this with a newborn on the way.

I would seriously be having a full on screaming heebie jeebies breakdown at DP - he needs to man up and tell cheeky fucker cousin Leech that enough's enough. You guys need space as a family and he needs to get a life of his own.

onemorerose Wed 20-Nov-19 23:01:37

As pp said you need to put yourself first. It seems like your oh is on board with that which is great but he also needs to get on board with telling the cousin he needs family time.

Beveren Wed 20-Nov-19 23:10:36

He seems to go when you ask him to. Can you now tell him when he turns up either that it's not convenient, or that he can come in but must be gone by a set time - and tell him to leave when you reach that time?

Beveren Wed 20-Nov-19 23:10:57

That was meant to be Can you not, not Can you now.

Pantsomime Wed 20-Nov-19 23:15:01

OP you are just going to have to tell him that he needs to live in his own house and to ring before he
Comes round as you want to breast feed your baby and will not let him in when you do. Tell DH that’s it’s cousins turn to reciprocate & he has to start going to his house to give you a break

Smelborp Wed 20-Nov-19 23:15:01

He lives a 20 min walk away! Why is he staying? Also odd that you both go to bed and leave him in the house.

Just say, ‘it’s been nice seeing you, but we need some quiet family time now.’ Big smile and open the front door. Done.

Smelborp Wed 20-Nov-19 23:15:35

10 min, not 20.

Cherrysoup Wed 20-Nov-19 23:15:50

He's fine with you being put out, inconvenienced, & invaded in your own home though isn't he?

So true. How come he lets this happen to you rather than telling his cousin to just fuck off? The cousin has zero social awareness, he needs telling. Don’t let your 2nd birth experience be ruined by this socially inept bloke again! I think tell your DH he is not allowed in the house once you’re home with the baby.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 20-Nov-19 23:16:50

Your partner needs to grow some balls for one, but until that happens you will need to be the adult and tell this scrounger to fuck off and leave. For fuck's sake, take control and live in peace. Stop being so passive about your own needs and boundaries.

Poppinjay Wed 20-Nov-19 23:19:33

You need to start telling him when he needs to go. He isn't worried about overstaying his welcome and making you feel uncomfortable so you have no obligation to look after his feelings.

Your DH needs to step up when the baby arrives and take responsibility for preserving your privacy and dignity. Make it very clear to him that he will not put his desire to be nice to his cousin before his responsibility to you. Give him the words to use when telling his cousin he can't come in if necessary.

You and your DH need to stand your ground together from now on. If your DH isn't that keen, make it a lot harder for him to sideline your wishes than his cousin's.

JasonPollack Wed 20-Nov-19 23:20:38

When you asked him to leave when he got too much before? Why can't you go that every time he gets too much? Cousin is obviously missing social queues so you have to spell it out for him. Start by not letting him stay over EVER, there's no need when he lives nearby.

Fine to ban him when the baby comes and also over xmas. Let your DP make you the bad guy “helpmelamoo just wants it to be us today". You're being a pushover though and you need to stand up for yourself!

StrictlyNameChangin Wed 20-Nov-19 23:24:43

You need to get on with being brazen; "Right then we're going to bed, time to go back to your own bed now Cousin, see you again soon!" "Sorry no you can't come in,
I've just given birth and need quiet time without visitors." "Right it's parents and children time now, off you go Barry, see you another time!"

Madambee Wed 20-Nov-19 23:40:20

Get him a girlfriend asap and hope she is not that sociable.

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 00:05:51

Thanks for all your replies, think you all hit the nail on the head in terms of him being socially inapt!
Me and DP were literally about to go to bed 20 mins ago, locked the doors turned heating off etc and he rang the door bell. My two year old is asleep in bed and he thinks it’s ok to knock on our door at this time of night. I told DP not to answer the door as normal people don’t answer the door at this time but he has let him in (and told him he can only stay half hour). Absolute joke. Now I’ve got to go to bed stressed out

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 00:06:33

Also forgot to add that he is drunk too! I actually feel offended that he thinks this is ok.

Beveren Thu 21-Nov-19 00:10:26

Your DP answers the door to his drunk brother and lets him in at midnight? Frankly, he's being a total pillock. Words need to be had with him.

messolini9 Thu 21-Nov-19 00:11:54

Now I’ve got to go to bed stressed out

No, now you can go downstairs, & ask cousin WTF he thinks he is playing at, ringing the bell at midnight when your 2 year old is asleep. While you're at it, ask DP WTF he is playing at, opening the door to socialising at midnight when presumably he has work the next day?

Get down there & have a good strategic rant.
It's time to wake the pair of them up to the fact that it's your house too, & that you need your privacy & down time.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 21-Nov-19 00:15:41

Your partner is fucking useless. I would be totally fed up with him.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Thu 21-Nov-19 00:22:29

I second @messolini9’s strategic rant!

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 00:23:21

I’m absolutely furious. Partner has gone to walk cousin home now, don’t really see why he has to go with him but whatever as long as he gets rid of the bastard. I’m actually in disbelief that anyone would find it ok to ring anyone’s doorbell at this time let alone a family with a young child! I’m going to give it to him when he gets back.

messolini9 Thu 21-Nov-19 00:29:56

I’m going to give it to him when he gets back.

That's the ticket! Use that anger! FFS you didn't sign up to having his cousin in near constant attendance.
While you're at it, make it be known loud & clear that the birth of your 2nd child is NOT going to be overshadowed by Cousin lurking in your home.

DP & Cousin need to learn that he can visit by pre-arrangement, like all respectful folk. All this dropping in is feckin' ridiculous.

Whatsnewpussyhat Thu 21-Nov-19 00:33:03

Stop being so bloody meek and tell the man to fuck off!!
Tell him he is not to come round without prior notice, not to come round whilst your DP isn't there and that he is definitely not to come round when you have just given birth. Ffs.

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 00:40:59

I have had it out with dp and told him to text cousin and say it was totally out of order coming here at this time and he is no longer welcome unless it’s for a couple of hours pre arranged. Will update if this actually happens but if it doesn’t then i will text him myself. Anyone able to write a text out for me ahaha?. for now I’ve also asked him why his cousins needs are more important than mine aka why do I have to feel constantly uncomfortable in my own home just so his cousin can freeload off us basically. I also said when I come home with my new baby will his cousin be waiting here for us? I think he has got the point now as he’s said he doesn’t want to argue but his cousin is his family and they’ve grown up together etc etc. I’ve had to explain to him that he isn’t a little boy anymore inviting his friends and cousins round to play PlayStation or whatever, now he has a family it doesn’t really work like that.

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 00:43:16

Also would like to add that when cousin has just been paid we don’t see him because he’s in the pub with his mates paying for their nights out etc, then when he’s broke that seems to be when he crawls up to our house.

Laserbird16 Thu 21-Nov-19 00:43:17

Is your DPs cousin Autistic? My DHs step brother is and is by no means this bad but sometimes he just doesn't think his visits may be inconvenient/irritating.

How would a direct 'time to go home cousin!' be received? Or 'now is not a good time'. Your DP needs to get on board and enforce this too. Maybe set some ground rules no visits after 8pm etc?

Butterymuffin Thu 21-Nov-19 00:43:54

You've got a DP problem. He clearly likes having the guy hanging around for company. Tell him you've had enough. And don't let the bloke in when he just turns up!

Laserbird16 Thu 21-Nov-19 00:44:17

Crossbody...good rant!

Laserbird16 Thu 21-Nov-19 00:44:35

FFS crosspost

messolini9 Thu 21-Nov-19 00:44:54

Well done Help - what a result.

As to the text, if DP bottles it, you could always text Cousin a link to this thread ... ;)

Beveren Thu 21-Nov-19 00:48:24

he’s said he doesn’t want to argue but his cousin is his family and they’ve grown up together etc etc

So what? I grew up with my siblings but wouldn't dream of doing this to them. Ask your partner if he would.

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 00:49:17

@Laserbird16 he’s not autistic, we haven’t ever really tried the approach of simply telling him to leave aside from the time after he stayed for 8 days when I said something like “(name) you’ve been here for 8 days now you should probably go home and we’re going out now anyway” and one other time when I got up and put mine and my child’s shoes on and said “we’re going out now can you hold DDs hand while I lock the door after us”.
It’s strange because it was just a couple of weeks ago he was saying to me about his friend and his girlfriend who he also visits equally the same amount as us, apparently the girlfried will let her partner have friends round before the kids go to bed but won’t let anyone in after that. Cousin seems to agree and accept this but still thinks it’s okay to knock on my door at midnight. It’s like he just doesn’t care about disturbing us (me).

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 00:51:39

Cousin works weekend nights, there has even been times sometimes when he’ll finish a night shift and come straight here and knock on our door at 7.30am on a Saturday or Sunday - DD isn’t even awake then let alone me and DP! Luckily DP will sleep through anything so on those occasions I have just ignored and he has gone away (knew it was him from a cheeky peep through the curtains)

Butterymuffin Thu 21-Nov-19 00:56:27

Text: 'You've been coming round a lot late at night and early mornings. Please stop doing that and only come round if you've asked me first and checked it's ok. Don't just ask DP - it's my place too.'

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 00:57:04

I think cousin has just spent his life freeloading and sofa surfing and clearly feels comfortable doing it to us too. I’m just going to patiently wait until the time I will eventually snap and he’ll be too scared to come here again grin

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 01:00:27

Even now I’ve gone to bed, DP is downstairs and I’m still texting him seething hahaha

Bluerussian Thu 21-Nov-19 01:43:18

He must know he's taking the proverbial or is he so thick skinned that he really doesn't? It's interesting that he has fallen out with his family. I presume he hasn't been married or had a girlfriend for a long time. Does he smell horrible?

Many many years ago (when I was young and charming), I knew a nice young couple who had a 'friend' who lived just around the corner. He used to invite himself round all the time, was a semi permanent fixture in their home. They had other friends who came round in the usual sort of way and he felt as though they were his friends too, by association. He had no real friends or family, was socially inept and had terrible BO. No girl was ever interested in the guy. He wasn't a bad person, just a nuisance. I don't know what happened to him, I moved away, met husband and married so lost touch, but what you say reminds me of him. Frankly, the guy was an embarrassment to himself as much as anyone else. He was younger than the cousin the op talks about, we were all twenty somethings.

Someone else used to visit a couple every evening after work (he lived downstairs), would go into their kitchen and cook his meal - he brought his own food but used their gas/electricity - every evening. Unbelievable. He wasn't socially inept at all so I don't know how he had the cheek. They let him get away with it for too long but he did eventually emigrate :-).

Helpmelmaooo, who are you texting from your bed?

You have to tell this guy straight, he won't take hints. It was totally unacceptable for him to be staying at yours after you had your first child and he just can-not do the same when you have the next one.

You're entitled to privacy and he must learn not to wear out his welcome.

Cuteypye Thu 21-Nov-19 01:55:49

You are nearly as much to blame as your dp. Why have you let the cousin get away with this for so long? You admit that you normally don’t say anything to the cousin. You let him come in to watch tv with you and dd, even when dp isn’t there!! If you don’t tell him to leave/not let him in, what’s do you actually expect?

Hopefully tonight is the straw that breaks the camels back, but you and dp have to be in agreement about if/when the cousin can visit and you need to stand firm.

itsAlmostXmas Thu 21-Nov-19 05:37:13

Well done OP!

Does he have a drinking problem?

Shoxfordian Thu 21-Nov-19 05:49:11

I hope your dp starts prioritizing you and your dc

Is he usually this useless at looking after you all?

GiveHerHellFromUs Thu 21-Nov-19 06:17:32

You did well with your DP rant OP!

EleanorShellstrop100 Thu 21-Nov-19 06:26:44

Your partner is the problem.

EleanorShellstrop100 Thu 21-Nov-19 06:27:41

Posted too soon. Sounds like your partner enjoys his company and wants him there and actively invites him knowing he won’t leave. You need to get your partner to sort it out. I’d say that if he comes for Christmas you will be going elsewhere with your daughter.

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 11:33:32

@EleanorShellstrop100 that’s exactly what I’ve said, that if he comes on Christmas I will be going to my mums with my dd. My dds birthday is just a few days before Christmas too.
I can just imagine it now.. tries to turn up unannounced the day before dds birthday, spends her birthday here with us, then just doesn’t leave til about the 28th. I have to cook for him and wash up extra plates etc after him, then I have to be cramped on my own sofa while he talks the whole way through the Christmas soaps. I just won’t be having it, Christmas is an absolute no no for me. Although dp is then put in an sad position if we go to my mums as he won’t invite cousin but cousin will probably just turn up. Although I suppose he should probably just not answer the door.
I think what I will do is tell dp to tell cousin we’re spending Christmas Eve and day at my mums house so he doesn’t bother coming here although we shouldn’t have to do that.

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 11:36:02

Also forgot to add, I have had a phone call from dp this morning apologising for last night and promises that as soon as he gets home he’s going to call cousin and tell him that it was out of order to turn up at midnight and that he can’t keep coming round unannounced and staying for ages and especially not overnight because realistically he lives ten minutes walk away so there’s absolutely no reason for him to stay the night on our sofa. My dd does not need to come down for breakfast in the morning and have to have breakfast and watch tv next to a sleeping middle aged man. He’s nearly 40 for Christ sake. Dp and I are both mid to late 20s.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Thu 21-Nov-19 11:46:51

Well done!!

GiveHerHellFromUs Thu 21-Nov-19 11:49:12

Good work @Helpmelmaooo!
Let's hope cousin takes the incredibly blatant hint and backs off!

Cuteypye Thu 21-Nov-19 11:55:48

When you say “they’ve grown up together” I imagined that they would be close in age, but the cousin is at least 10 years older!! It does seem a strange relationship given the age difference, plus someone who is nearly 40 should have the sense not to turn up late at night/expect to stay for days, especially when you have a child. Stick to your guns op, this has to stop!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 21-Nov-19 11:59:54

What happens if you actually say to him, 'You need to go home now, we have to do X, Y and Z...'

Stop tip-toing around! Your Dh needs to man up a bit here.

And tell him that when baby arounds he cannot just turn up unannounced as you will be breastfeeding.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 21-Nov-19 12:00:43

*arrives not arounds

melj1213 Thu 21-Nov-19 12:32:13

Honestly you need to stop letting him in if it isnt convenient and when you want him to leave you need to explicitly say so. Neither of those things are inherently rude, you can be firm but polite.

You dont "have" to do anything at all for him - if you choose to then that is on you - so if he is turning up unannounced then just carry on with your day and make no extra concessions. If its dinnertime then unless it is something that can easily be bulked out/you made extra of then you have no obligation to feed him. If he is disrupting a TV show, ask him to be quiet or go home. If he makes a mess, ask him to clear it up. If your DD wants to watch Peppa Pig, make him turn the TV over. If he wants a cup of tea, he knows where the kettle is etc.

So last night, I would have answered the door with "<Cousin> it is midnight, we are on our way to bed, DD is asleep and you need to go home" and then closed the door. No way would I have let him in. The same with any other non convenient time, dont let him past the doorway; "Sorry <Cousin> now is not a good time, see you another day. Bye!"

If you're going to bed, when you want him to go home you tell him. "<Cousin>, we are getting ready to go to bed so we need you to go home now. We'll see you another day."

If he turns up and you have other plans, "Sorry <Cousin> but we are going out, perhaps another day." Or "<Cousin>, we are leaving for X activity in an hour/at 2pm so you're welcome to stay till then" (and then when you leave you make sure he leaves with you)

messolini9 Thu 21-Nov-19 12:53:07

I think what I will do is tell dp to tell cousin we’re spending Christmas Eve and day at my mums house so he doesn’t bother coming here although we shouldn’t have to do that.

No, you shouldn't have to, & if you do it will undermine all the good work you have done in facing up to this problem & starting to get angry & deal with it properly.

How about telling Cousin that you are having a quiet family Christmas at home, with no visitors ... & to make sure he gets it, yes that DOES include him?

Whatsnewpussyhat Thu 21-Nov-19 13:02:05

He's not stupid is he, spreading his time between you and his other friend so he get free meals etc.
Stop feeding him, stop clearing up after him and certainly tell him to leave whenever you feel like it.

KurriKurri Thu 21-Nov-19 13:06:42

So glad you have finally snapped and told your DP to sort it out.

This cousin has accomodation ten minutes distance form your house - he should NEVER need to stay over at yours for a start - and 8 days at a time - that's seriously taking the piss.

I would get your DP to tell the cousing he's never allowed to turn up when DP isn;t there - why the hell should you have to entertain this person that your don;t like in your house.
he's never to come round uninvited.
Actually - I think I'd say he's never to come round -certainly to be nowhere int he vicinity of your house when you have your DC 2 or at Christmas or any other holidays. If he wants to see your DP they can arrange to meet a the pub for a quick drink - then your DP can decide when to leave. If people come to your house,it's very hard to shift them, if you meet on neutral ground you can just leave when you;ve had enough.

I hate these kind of freeloaders.They are always a relation/friend of the bloke and it's always the wife/ GF who is left dealing with these awful manchildren. Pisstakers all of them.

BigSandyBalls2015 Thu 21-Nov-19 13:21:45

Is weed involved in all this?

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 14:05:52

@BigSandyBalls2015 no weed involved.
@KurriKurri to be honest I don’t want him here at all anymore even though we have got on well in the past I just feel resentful towards him now for the way he has used us to feed him and accommodate him when he has no money (because he’s spent it all in the pub and on his scrounging friends) and doesn’t want to go home because he lives with his landlady and clearly hasn’t paid the (extremely cheap!) rent (again because in his life there are more important things like his friends and the pub). He doesn’t have a drink or drug problem as far as I know. I know DP doesn’t want to see it that way because he’s family but I’ve repeatedly drummed it into him that this is exactly what cousin is doing and I think he’s starting to understand.

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 14:09:59

I wouldn’t mind so much if he came to us (less than he does now) and just said “I have no money is it ok if I stop for dinner” or “could I borrow a tenner or twenty to grab some food shopping” but he just takes the piss so now I think I don’t really care! Last week he text DP and asked him to transfer £100 to him to borrow. We have dds birthday and Christmas coming up so we can’t really spare £100 so DP of course said no. Later on dp went to the shop and on the way saw cousin through the pub window. He said on the way back from the shop cousin was at the cash point across the road. So it’s quite clear he just wanted the £100 to fund him and his friends night out. Plus the fact that me and dp have both leant cousin money in the past (anywhere from a tenner to £100) and it takes months and months to get it back although cousin is in the pub at least a few time’s a week (then crawls to our house when he runs out of money).

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 14:17:35

Sorry I’m going on but might be worth mentioning also that he also did the exact to dps brother and his wife. I’m good friends with the wife and often speak about this issue with her, she always says the point of “why would he go home when he can get what he wants and needs at your house for free aka tv, food, comfy sofa, a beer etc). Luckily brother in law had a big falling out with cousin in the end so sister in law no longer has to put up with him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 21-Nov-19 14:19:16

He doesn’t have a drink or drug problem as far as I know

If he's spending his (cheap) rent money in the pub, then he probably has a drink problem.

he just wanted the £100 to fund him and his friends night out

A night out doesn't have to cost £100!

cousin is in the pub at least a few time’s a week

Erm... Does this man not have a job?

FraglesRock Thu 21-Nov-19 14:19:31

Stop answering the door.
Ask to see dh text to cfc

If it's not enough
'Cousin, I'm sad to text this but your visits have become an issue for us, we work hard to be a little family and whilst it's lovely to catch up with you every now and then, your visits have turned into impromptu holidays. We need to spend this time with dd before the baby and can no longer afford your meals and drinks on top of ours.
Please text to check before you come round, and appreciate it might not always be convenient. Midnight and breakfast times will never be convenient so don't call round then.

Crunchymum Thu 21-Nov-19 14:34:22

Why do the rest of the family not speak to him?

Therealjudgejudy Thu 21-Nov-19 14:36:14

Omg...he sounds like a total user.

Your DP needs to grow a pair and put his own family before this freeloader..

cacklingmags Thu 21-Nov-19 14:43:25

My DH has a friend that I don't much like - for so many reasons. Fine, he was welcome to visit DH and I would go off to my office before he arrived. He would then start searching for me, find me, and make jokes about my attire (keeping warm in funny clothes at home). He turned up once on Christmas morning when we were still in night clothes - kids opening presents. I told DH to see him off. Now DH and he go walking together and he no longer visits so all is well.

Majorcollywobble Thu 21-Nov-19 14:53:43

Are you sure this cousin hasn’t some hold over your partner that you are unaware of ? As he seems to be completely under his power .
Can you ask why he’s allowing this to keep happening when it’s clearly ruining any togetherness between you ?
It’s the sort of situation that will only change if the two of you combine forces as the cousin is obviously so thick skinned only hard words from the two of you is going to make a difference .

newnameforthis76 Thu 21-Nov-19 15:00:59

He doesn’t have a drink or drug problem as far as I know

I suspect he actually does have a drink problem if he blows all his wages in the pub and turns up drunk to your house in the middle of the night.

Either way, your DP really needs to tell him to fuck off. Nobody is really getting anything from this relationship except the cousin. They haven't really 'grown up together' when the cousin is at least 10 years older than your DP and it's weird for your daughter to have some random hanger-on in the house all the time, kipping on the sofa and so on.

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 15:04:12

@cacklingmags Christ! He turned up on Christmas morning?? Why? Was he expecting to spend the day with you and get Christmas dinner? I would have flipped my lid

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 15:09:03

Yes cousin is 100% a user and that’s proven by the fact that he only comes here when he’s run out of cash/food. Also the fact that he rents a room and doesn’t have a tv in said room so thinks he can come here and watch ours. I think DP and me are on the same page now so that’s a start but I’ve made myself very clear to dp about what I’m worried about (him turning up to ruin our Christmas and him being around when I have my second baby). Yes it is very weird that my daughter probably has the view that she has 3 parents confused and constantly has to sit next to this man who isn’t even her dad. Will see what dp says to him tonight. When talking on WhatsApp earlier I asked why he had his read receipts turned off and he said because cousin was messaging a lot last night and he didn’t want him to know he’d read the messages. So that’s another thing I’d like to know

Jaxhog Thu 21-Nov-19 15:21:21

Keep at your DP to discourage him. But don't feed him or make him tea/coffee. After an hour, stand in front of him and say 'time to go home'. If necessary, start vacuuming around him - including the sofa.

If DP lets him at a bad hour, withdraw 'wifely duties' from DP.

Finally, make a list of every sofa-surf and meal he's cadged and a rough cost. Show to DP. That may get through if nothing else does.

Poppinjay Thu 21-Nov-19 15:59:54

There is a possibility that he is autistic or struggles socially and the reason he runs out of money is that he is buying friendships. It may be that he's only welcomed by his 'mates' at the pub while he has money to buy them beer. Once it's gone, they don't want to know so he falls back on you.

Someone with autism may not realise how used you would feel by this and wouldn't necessarily understand the social niceties around overstaying your welcome or when it is appropriate to knock on the door. That would explain why, when the friend's girlfriend spelt out a simple rule, he was able to accept it and comply with it.

Geppili Thu 21-Nov-19 16:25:06

Drink problem. Therefore life problem.

Geppili Thu 21-Nov-19 16:27:11

Sorry. But he is not your problem or your DH's. He is using you. If he lived 100 miles away, would he do this? I would hate this! Does he bring or do anything for you or your family ever? He is a cuckoo cock lodger!

monkeymonkey2010 Thu 21-Nov-19 16:27:40

Both you and DP need to learn boundaries and stick with them.
I can't believe YOU allowed this to go on for so long - and cooking, cleaning and making room for him on your sofa!

Nobody is responsible for him except himself - and he can get a full time job and rent a flat where he can invite his mates round and watch tv/play games.

When i got my first flat my mates always came round to mine as they lived with their parents or in student accommodation.....by the end of the year it seemed my home was a place for them to do exactly what this guy is doing.
The day i came home and found my mate had done exactly what i had clearly TOLD her NOT to do - 'borrow' my clothes and use my makeup - that was it for me.
All that pent up frustration that built up due to their piss-taking erupted.
I've never allowed anyone to take the piss like that again.

theemmadilemma Thu 21-Nov-19 16:37:18

I nearly thought you were talking about someone I know.

I hope your DP does tell him.

PaddingtonBrown Thu 21-Nov-19 16:39:41

Actually cannot get over this Cheeky Fuckery! Am completely baffled. What does he do when you and DP go to work? Does he sleep all day on your sofa? What does he do for clean clothes, teeth brushing etc?

I am very much like you OP in that I am not confrontational in the slightest but I don't think even I could have put up with this for so long without saying something. You've done well in getting your DP to address the problem, you both just need to make sure you follow through with turning him away when inconvenient, asking him to leave before going to bed etc. Don't give him any opportunity to stay.

Anonmummyoftwo Thu 21-Nov-19 16:47:39

I would just text him myself and say last night was the end of it. Say hes no longer welcome unless invited and even then its a few hours max. Dont worry about upsetting him hes a grown man and clearly needs to be reminded of that fact

Geppili Thu 21-Nov-19 16:48:43

Where are the cousin's family in all this? Is he actually a cousin?

Geppili Thu 21-Nov-19 16:51:22

And does he have a partner? I'm guessing that he doesn't xxxxx

Helpmelmaooo Thu 21-Nov-19 17:08:04

@PaddingtonBrown I’m a stay at home mum at the moment and also pregnant so I don’t work. Dp works full time and will leave at at 6.30am and come back at 6.30pm. When dp goes to work he will just stay on the sofa, I get up about 7.30/8 with my dd and usually have to wake him up when we come downstairs, in which case he will get up help himself to making tea then spend the entire day sat on the sofa, waiting for me to make him lunch no doubt. I refuse to make him lunch so I just do my dds and ignore him. But still he stays and will wait for my dp to get home and then has dinner with us (I would ignore him in this case too but dp cooks dinner). Then I spend the evening fuming that I’ve had to wash up an extra plate and cutlery and about 6 mugs from him throughout the day. There’s been a few times when he’s turned up drunk (like last night) and then tried to lay on the sofa all day and expect me and dd to squash up on one part, and one particular time he did this and actually spread himself across the whole sofa (it’s one of those chaise corner sofas and he sort of curled himself round the corner and stretched his legs out on the long part) this time I made my dp come home and make him move because me and dd couldn’t wake him up so we had to spend the morning in the dining room doing arts and crafts as the tv is in the room he was in.
In the 8 day stay I didn’t actually once see him change clothes or have a shower (or ever when he’s been here for that matter) or brush his teeth. He doesn’t ever bring a tooth brush or clean clothes etc. Not sure how he didn’t stink but I try not to get too close to him tbh.
@Poppinjay he’s 100% not autistic he is just a user and clearly doesn’t respect us plain and simple. @Geppili I think he’s my dps mums second cousin or something like that. But is v close to my dp as he was taken into care when his parents died years ago and was basically raised by my dps grandmother after he left care at 16.
Dps family all live within a 10 min drive of us but like I say he has fallen out with all of them due to his own fault. He doesn’t have a partner and as far as I know never has.

FraglesRock Thu 21-Nov-19 17:14:06

Keep,practising
'It's time for you to go now'
Every time you say it, it'll be easier.

Spitsandspots Thu 21-Nov-19 17:28:35

it takes months and months to get it back although cousin is in the pub at least a few time’s a week
And doesn’t pay his cheap rent because he’s spent his money in the pub.
He doesn’t have a drink or drug problem as far as I know
Sounds like he does.

Geppili Thu 21-Nov-19 17:39:55

Jesus you are looking after your kids and he is loafing around in his own filth! Just tell him he cannot do it anymore! Just say you are planning to study/offer childminding at home and he simply cannot come uninvited anymore.

dontknowdontknow Thu 21-Nov-19 18:04:41

I'm sorry but you are both enabling this behaviour! You can't complain about it when you're not addressing it. Seriously this is your family home - I would never let someone stay for days without saying anything. You are equally to blame for letting this situation evolve. You have to be direct and stop hiding behind your husband. You are responsible for your home as much as he is.

Geppili Thu 21-Nov-19 18:10:10

He has kind of groomed you into accepting this behaviour! It's borderline abusive and sociopathic.

MeridianB Thu 21-Nov-19 18:18:44

Well done on being super clear with your DH, OP. You sound very switched on and ready to deal with this. We are right behind you.

Hope your DH doesn’t just send ‘Dupree’ away but tells him not to bother ringing the doorbell in the first place unless it is when he is invited over.

PaddingtonBrown Thu 21-Nov-19 18:35:37

Wow @Helpmelmaooo that's unbelievable, quite grim too actually. Who doesn't wash or brush their teeth for over a week?! I would be livid in your shoes. I imagine your DP hasn't seen it as such a big deal as he's only there in the evenings to him, he gets to go to work all day and doesn't have to deal with him, whereas he inconveniences your entire day by laying about on the sofa and expecting you and you DD to just leave him to it.

He's completely taken advantage of your good nature and inability to create conflict and is using you. Use your anger about that.

BoomBoomsCousin Thu 21-Nov-19 18:40:25

OP you say you have difficulty with confrontation and I can see you seem to have been pushed over the edge a bit with this to the extent you seem to be confronting your DP at least on this issue, but it seems you are still hesitant to deal directly with the cousin. I wanted to suggest you look at setting boundaries in a different light. Not as confrontation but as leadership.

When someone is staying past their welcome you don't need to "confront them" with the fact they are overstaying their welcome, you just need to set the direction for how things work in your home. You are the leader there, not your guest. You don't have to say "Haven't you've stayed too long." you can say "Oh, 10 o'clock. It's been lovely to see you but it's time you were going. Have a safe trip home." If they start to suggest they can kip on the sofa or stay a little longer you don't argue with them about it you remember that it's your home and what happens in your home is set by you, not by guests. So say something like "Oh Jim! This isn't a discussion. It's time for you to go. But it will be great to see you again on X day." You don't argue, you inform and you keep it friendly. But you lead them by making the expectations crystal clear. It takes some practice. Especially if you are used to acquiescing and excusing your own needs. it's easy to slip when they start asking why or pushing back. Easy to fail to see that what they are doing is saying they want you to give things up that you haven't offered, that they have no right to so they can have what they want. But with a bit of work it can be very effective.

Of course, now you don't want him in your house at all, and that's totally understandable but it might be something to think about in the future with others if you generally avoid conflict.

Also:
^ clearly hasn’t paid the (extremely cheap!) rent (again because in his life there are more important things like his friends and the pub). He doesn’t have a drink or drug problem as far as I know.^

Not paying your rent because you're spending the money on alcohol is a fairly clear sign he does have a bit of a drink problem. It may be more about lack of self-control and ability to prioritise in general than about addiction to alcohol, but it may not.

messolini9 Thu 21-Nov-19 18:43:17

Just say you are planning to study/offer childminding at home and he simply cannot come uninvited anymore.

Sod that. You don't need to lie, OP - you're not the one whose behaviour is out of order. Just use the last bit of the advice above - he "simply cannot come uninvited anymore."

You don't need a reason. It's your home. He has his own home to go to, & doesn't need to be manspreading & cocklodging in yours.

donquixotedelamancha Thu 21-Nov-19 18:46:16

I have told DP that I don’t want him in the house anymore as clearly he can’t just come for a few hours and leave but DP says he doesn’t have the heart to tell him

I think this is a bit mean. Clearly your husband's other partner is just as important to him as you. You must have agreed to this polyamorous arrangement, you've been living with him for years.

I think the time for normal boundaries is long past- the three of you need to elope together to somewhere that allows tri-marriage and make everything official. Start a crowd-funder for legal action to get three people on your DD's birth certificate as parents.

BoomBoomsCousin Thu 21-Nov-19 18:47:41

^ But is v close to my dp as he was taken into care when his parents died years ago and was basically raised by my dps grandmother after he left care at 16.^

This doesn't make his behaviour OK but it is pretty sad. Our care system lets children down (and was even worse years ago) and poor life outcomes are so common. I can see why your DP may feel close to him and somewhat responsible for him. But he's enabling him (at his family's expense) rather than helping him.

HollowTalk Thu 21-Nov-19 18:50:32

Ugh, he stays at yours for several days when his own home is down the road? And he doesn't wash??? And then he's there in the daytime when your partner isn't even there? Why are you putting up with this?

Geppili Thu 21-Nov-19 18:56:57

He is using and relying on his difficult childhood (enmeshed as it was with your DP's family) as leverage to trample all over many basic boundaries in your precious home.

Geppili Thu 21-Nov-19 18:58:08

I think you and your DP are in FOG. Fear Obligation. Guilt.

SabineUndine Thu 21-Nov-19 19:00:56

It sounds to me as though he thinks of your home as his, and the place he has up the road is just where he stores his stuff. I would put a stop to him having meals at your house, and certainly put a stop to him staying the night. He's not going to grow up and get his life together while other people accommodate him.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »