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To want to attend my ex MIL's funeral

(96 Posts)
LadyJaffleton Wed 20-Nov-19 21:46:45

My ex DH and I separated two years ago after being married for over twenty years and I moved to the other end of the country to begin a new life. We remained on very good terms and divorced amicably last year. During this time I have kept in touch with my ex MIL and we have exchanged regular and affectionate letters, cards, emails etc. DexH now has a new partner. I have enjoyed being single and dating and am currently seeing a very nice man.
Sadly my lovely ex MIL was diagnosed with cancer about a year ago and although she was having treatment, died last week. I immediately got in touch with the family to offer my condolences. My ex called yesterday and has requested that I don't attend the funeral. I found this very upsetting and hurtful as I would have liked to pay my respects. I am trying very hard to make allowances - grief does alter people's judgement and ideas. He has said he'd find it too difficult having me there and just wants to focus on his immediate family and partner. For the avoidance of doubt, I wouldn't expect to play a big part in the day, just to sit quietly at the back, have a cup of tea at the wake and then quietly leave. If I do go now, it will feel like I'm forcing the issue and that would be wrong.
Abu to want to attend but now feel I can't? And how else can I mark her passing if I can't be there? She was a special lady who I will miss greatly.

ActualHornist Wed 20-Nov-19 21:48:16

YANBU to want to go but I think you need to respect his wishes, no matter how irrational.

Do you share children? Could you do something special instead to mark her passing?

minesasaugagesupper Wed 20-Nov-19 21:49:53

He has asked you not to go. You need to respect his wishes about his mother's funeral.

John470322 Wed 20-Nov-19 21:51:29

I think that attending the funeral would be fine but maybe not going to the "reception" afterwards,

SnowsInWater Wed 20-Nov-19 21:53:27

I think it is unkind of your ex making it all about him rather than what his mother may have wanted but unfortunately you need to respect his wishes. Maybe do something that you would have done together on that day in her honour; go for a walk, cup of tea, something she would have liked. Sorry for your loss.

ConfCall Wed 20-Nov-19 21:54:12

I’m reading your title, I was wondering whether maybe you’d failed to “move on” but it’s clear that you have (relocation, new man etc). So, I don’t think that he is being fair. However, you must respect his wishes I guess. What a shame.

Isadora2007 Wed 20-Nov-19 21:54:22

You are not being unreasonable at all BUT it’s his mums funeral and what he wants takes precedence over what you want sadly.
It would be nice for you to find your own way to say goodbye- a walk at the time of the funeral or lighting a candle etc.

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 20-Nov-19 21:55:34

I understand your feelings but if he specifically called to ask you not to be there he has his reasons and you need to respect them. Sorry for your loss, do something you and your MIL would have enjoyed together on the day of the funeral flowers

superking Wed 20-Nov-19 21:59:29

YANBU to want to attend, but if he doesn't want you to go I think you must respect that. However much you may disagree with his reasoning, it would be wrong to do anything which is going to cause him additional stress or grief on the day.

There are lots of ways you could mark her passing instead - a donation to a charity in her name, a letter to your ex/ his family if you feel that's appropriate, a private visit to her grave.

It must be an upsetting situation for you but I think you have no choice but to respect his wishes.

MorganKitten Wed 20-Nov-19 21:59:50

Please respect the families wishes

AuntieStella Wed 20-Nov-19 22:00:38

It's his mum

The wishes of the most closely bereaved take precedence.

But if you feel you must attend (despite everyone here saying 'don't') then go to the 'public' service only and do not attend the wake.


Neverender Wed 20-Nov-19 22:01:58

It's his Mum, not yours so I would stay away.

EmmiJay Wed 20-Nov-19 22:04:02

I think your ex is being unfair. He would have known you and his mother were close. Out of respect for his mother's memory, you'd think he'd allow you to come and say goodbye confused Is it him really requesting this or could it be coming from 'someone else'?

Chickychoccyegg Wed 20-Nov-19 22:04:24

I think i would go, sit at the back and leave straight after, you dont need to see or speak to ex dh, he should not have asked you not to go, yes its his mum but you're greiving too.

Namechangeforthiscancershit Wed 20-Nov-19 22:04:48

I would only go if it was all ok with him. For whatever reason, it's not.

Can you say goodbye to her anyway other way? Is there anything that you loved doing together?

Drinkciderfromalemon Wed 20-Nov-19 22:05:20

If he has asked you not to, then don't. Raise a glass, a cup of tea, or a National Trust pamphlet to her. The thoughts, feelings and memories you have at the time of her funeral are equally as valid wherever you are.

alwayscauseastir Wed 20-Nov-19 22:06:45

My dad didn't ask my mum not to attend our grandads funeral, but she respected that after a divorce and both having new partners it wouldn't be appropriate. So she waited until the following day and placed a bunch of flowers at the crematorium. She was part of my grandads life for 18 years, and although deeply saddened by his death, she wouldn't have intruded on such a personal event.

saraclara Wed 20-Nov-19 22:07:15

I adore my MIL so I can understand your sadness. But yes, his feelings have to come first.

Did she have a favourite place? Somewhere you went for walks or for days out?
If so, think about taking yourself there, maybe with some photos to look at, or some flowers to randomly leave behind. And just think of her and say your own goodbye.

Chloemol Wed 20-Nov-19 22:08:12

Go, sit at the back, don’t attend the wake

Longfacenow Wed 20-Nov-19 22:08:28

I'm sorry for your loss. In a similar situation I went to the service, sat at the back and didn't attend the wake. I felt I needed to go and was able to slip in and out sensitively.

MitziK Wed 20-Nov-19 22:09:19

It's his mother, his loss, his grief - and his choice.

He may change his mind, but he might not - that's his right. The best course of action, I think, would be to say you understand and will heed his wishes, but that if he feels differently nearer the time, you would appreciate the opportunity to attend.

lau888 Wed 20-Nov-19 22:12:42

Plant a tree in her name - I think the Woodland Trust offer that service? Or, if you want something to "visit", maybe sponsor a bench at your local park - it will have a little named plaque on it and you can sit and think of her there? Condolences on your loss. x

Saddler Wed 20-Nov-19 22:14:26

Respect his wishes

PrettyPurse Wed 20-Nov-19 22:15:02

Is your FIL still alive? Did you contact with him?

What about other inlaws?

EmmaGrundyForPM Wed 20-Nov-19 22:15:10

I think your ex is being unreasonable BUT I do think you need to respect his wishes.

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