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Friend taking illness again, after being told I'm on the 2 week pathway

(239 Posts)
Lumpybumps1 Wed 20-Nov-19 16:37:34

I have a friend of several years who has form for fabricating illness, twice she has been caught out feigning cancer symptoms and fabricating appointments and diagnosises before back tracking after questions are asked and making miraculous recoveries claiming the doctors had got it wrong. I stuck by her despite having strong opinions on her behaviour because I suspect there may be an underlying MH problem, I don't know. Members of her family have caught her out before.

This week I've been referred urgently on the 2 week pathway for a scan and further investigation, In my case they are looking for lymphoma. I have a thread in health and have been receiving some fab support (thank you all)

This friend now knows about my investigations and is suddenly "being admitted into hospital" tomorrow despite there being nothing wrong with her. No mention of bad health this year until my doctor has concerns about me, now suddenly she's at deaths door again. Lung cancer this time. (Another friend who lives closer to her than I do has confirmed there's nothing wrong, perfectly healthy as usual)

I'm deeply hurt that she's doing this again, and doing it off the back of my legitimate health problems.

I want to say something but I'm not confrontational. Would you say anything?

I'm wishing I cut her off before, but it feels so personal and heartless now as she knows what I'm going through.

AloeVeraLynn Wed 20-Nov-19 16:43:48

I would cut her off now. You have more important things to be concerned with than her drama. Let her family deal with her.
I hope your scans and investigations go smoothly and fingers crossed nothing is found.

Andysbestadventure Wed 20-Nov-19 16:45:08

Block and delete. Maybe with a quick text saying she should be absolutely adhamed of herself and seek profressional help

CSIblonde Wed 20-Nov-19 16:47:34

She really needs help, it's a desperate need for attention & a coping strategy all mixed up in one. Given your own illness, I'd cut contact tbh.

BloggersBlog Wed 20-Nov-19 16:47:35

If you cant block her now with valid reasons then you never will. She wont change and will only get worse as her need for attention increases

PurpleDaisies Wed 20-Nov-19 16:50:00

She sounds like she’s got some mental health issues.

I’d disengage. Confrontation doesn’t work with that sort of thing.

Theflying19 Wed 20-Nov-19 16:53:18

I'd cut contact. There are other people who can help her with less on their plate than you at the moment. 💐💐 For your own health journey.

Lumpybumps1 Wed 20-Nov-19 16:55:58

Thank you for the responses

Knowing her, if I were to 'ghost' her she would find another way of contacting me and wanting to know why.

I don't know why I'm surprised as i and others know what she's like, but to do it off the back of my own problems is a step too far for me and this will be the end of the friendship.

She definitely has a tendency to seek attention but I had hoped that her caring about me would trump that.

There seems no limits to the depths she will stoop to.

Don't get me wrong, doing it at all is abhorrent, but it's slightly easier to roll your eyes at and brush it off when it's not a personal thing, but this time it is.

Pinkypurple35 Wed 20-Nov-19 16:56:49

I’d block because you have enough going on yourself and she’s got previous for this type of behaviour

AFairlyHardAvocado Wed 20-Nov-19 17:00:48

Firstly I'm so sorry to hear about your actual health worries and sending you best wishes thanks

When it comes to your friend, she is obviously unwell when it comes to MH, perhaps something like Münchausen syndrome.

This in no way excuses her behaviour and in no way lessens the damage of her behaviour to other people.

People with such extreme issues are unlikely to respond in any way other than extreme defensiveness or anger.

While I understand you want to call her out (fucking hell in your situation I would too) I don't think any good would come of it.

I would cut contact and find peace in knowing you have been one of her more understanding friends over the years and have not been unkind, but now it is time to put yourself first.

If you stay in touch then it sounds like she will be in a constant cycle of twisted one upmanship trying to play the role of the worst off (feel sick just writing that) and that will make you angry and stressed.

When you cut toxic people like this out of your life it's often amazing looking back how much headspace they have stolen over the years. Your focus is you now, being kind to yourself is more important than anything at the moment.

Again sending you best wishes thanks

Lumpybumps1 Wed 20-Nov-19 17:01:05

She's just sent Christmas presents for my children which in itself is kind, she has good qualities otherwise I'd have never stayed friends, I thought she was just troubled but never malicious and now I'm not sure.

I'm very tempted to block everywhere and be done with it, but given she's just sent gifts for the children I can imagine her taking huge offence and finding another way of contacting me wanting to know what my problem is.

Lumpybumps1 Wed 20-Nov-19 17:02:16

Thank you for the kind words there are some fab people on here smile

Halleli Wed 20-Nov-19 17:03:17

I think you need to end the friendship. It doesn't seem like you're getting any benefit from it at all.

Munchausen's is a mental illness - it's compulsive. Being around her is only going to make things harder for you.

Lumpybumps1 Wed 20-Nov-19 17:05:48

Munchausen was what I was wondering about all of these years, her (adult) relative said she's not buying munchausens because she's very selective about when she does it and whom she tells, usually only telling a small number of what her relative calls soft touches (me included)

SureTry Wed 20-Nov-19 17:06:09

No you have to ditch her, you don't have the capacity to handle her at the moment. Look after yourself and leave her to her own mess.

RandomMess Wed 20-Nov-19 17:06:50

Don't formally end it, just make out its a generic "too much on my plate, focusing on my family for the time being message" then ignore wink

thanks to you and your family

HeatedDryer Wed 20-Nov-19 17:08:57

It is now known as fabricated illness, info here.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/fabricated-or-induced-illness/

Redannie118 Wed 20-Nov-19 17:11:05

Send her a message saying due to everything thats going on with your health you will be out of contact with the world for a while while you focus on your diagnosis and following treatment. State that as she is going through the same as you , you know she will be the one person who will understand this.

BumbleBeee69 Wed 20-Nov-19 17:13:07

if I were to 'ghost' her she would find another way of contacting me and wanting to know why.

Only YOU can sort this OP.. Block and ignore

lolaflores Wed 20-Nov-19 17:14:04

Her feelings are hers to manage. Her choices to send presents her choice to feign illness. Her anger his hers.
None of this is your burden.
The presents are a guilt gift. To jeep you from asking any questions or being unkind

Let her have a tantrum,, the sum shall rise in the morning. The more attention that she is fed, the harder it will be to get rid. Granted, she is going to act out and it may be unpleasant it long term, she will go away. You really dont have time for this and do not for 1 minute expect yourself to get caught up in game playing.
Take good care of yourself.

KurriKurri Wed 20-Nov-19 17:16:30

My MIL used to do this - it is incredibly hurtful - in MIL's case it was pure attention seeking or when she oculdn;t get her own way.
I did my best to ignore but found it very poor behaviour on her part.

I would make it clear to this friend and ask other friends to p ass it on, that you have your own worries at the moment and you need to look after yourself. This is a time when you can quite legitimately be 'selfish' and any normal person would understand. If she kicks off - it's her problem, but don't engage with her if she starts on bout her imaginary illness.
I wish you the very best and hope things turn out well for you flowers

lookingatthings Wed 20-Nov-19 17:17:32

I think you should speak to her. Tell her you are ending the friendship and tell her why. Then block. And send back the gifts.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff Wed 20-Nov-19 17:17:50

I think @RandomMess has the right idea.. just ignore, ignore and continue with what is most important to you at the moment. Or even with a bland " I'm sure you understand, I just want to get through this and am asking everyone who may have heard about it to give me some space to do that privately," and then just put it to one side and deal with it later. If she keeps on, ask your partner or a relative to contact her to back off a bit. I do hope everything goes well for you xx

marshmellowed Wed 20-Nov-19 17:18:20

The gifts are just a sign of her intelligence and manipulation
Don’t fall for it

Walk away. No, run away

Lumpybumps1 Wed 20-Nov-19 17:22:23

When she said that she's being admitted into hospital tomorrow I blatantly ignored her direction of conversation and responded only by saying the Christmas presents have arrived and thank you.

She's one of those who message daily aswell, but that's a whole other thread.

I won't be playing along and listening to her lies now or ever again

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