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Partners STBXW irritating me and I don't know how to deal with it

(129 Posts)
yetanothermanicmonday Wed 20-Nov-19 15:04:08

Been with my boyfriend for about 14 months. Great relationship, truly. He is my best friend and all the boxes are ticked. The only thing that annoys me about our relationship is his ex. They were married for about 12 months, they were together for about 4 in total. No DC together.

I met him on around 6 months post-separation. I didn't know he existed until we had our first date. I was not the OW, there was no OW, they split because they both made each other miserable (I've seen her messages confirming this, I'm not being naïve). Divorce proceedings have started although is a slow process. After we had been dating for around 3 months and had the "exclusive chat" etc I posted a photo of us together on social media, and since then she just will not go away. The night I posted the pic she sent him an insane rant, posted about us both publicly on FB calling us for everything. She had obviously been watching my social media for some time before this event - how she even knew I existed is a mystery, but anyway....

She still clearly stalks my social media even now and is frequently messaging him about anything I post. Sly digs, claiming that places we go that she also visited with him was "their place" and he's an awful person for ruining the memories. We are talking about entire countries here, btw. She thinks she can actually call dibs on entire countries! She calls me fat/ugly etc, calls him names and implies we are terrible people basically.

I have really tried to remain the bigger person and just alter SM privacy setting etc, however she always seems to still find access. I don't see why I should be changing my routines to counteract the ravings of a mad woman. Boyfriend does not want to engage with her as she does have some MH issues and we all know how it can be trying to argue with someone who just doesn't see logic. But it's really beginning to cause me anxiety. I feel like I'm planning my life around what will be acceptable to her i.e. not posting pics of days out with us all. I feel like he filters his posts also which although I understand, it also irks me because I suspect he just does so to not antagonise her (so is she winning?). I know SM is the devil and all that, but I find it entertaining and again, I don't see why I should have to change things I have always done or enjoyed just because of her unreasonable behaviour. He ignores her messages 99% of the time, but I feel like he should be...I dunno, defending my honour here, or some shit! I wouldn't let someone call him names, for instance. If he visits his dads house she appears at the door within 10 minutes always wanting something, using him as her sounding board for how terrible life is etc. I feel like her feelings are being put before my own at times and that doesn't sit well with me at all.

So, AIBU in getting annoyed/anxious about this? I don't know the logical way I should be perceiving this. I don't know how to discuss it with my boyfriend as "please tell her to fuck right off" doesn't seem very reasonable. I'm prepared to be told that she is technically still his wife and he needs to communicate with her (even though its all vitriol?) Like I say, he usually just ignores her but I feel that by just remaining passive it is almost inviting her to continue in this way. I would 100% appreciate some of your insights and suggestions on how to deal with this.

LTB is not a realistic suggestion. I do genuinely love him and I wouldn't let her push us apart so permanently. I suspect that is her main goal here. But I do feel like I need to communicate how this is affecting me, in a calm rational way.

Lllot5 Wed 20-Nov-19 15:06:50

Don’t date men that are married

chocolatesaltyballs22 Wed 20-Nov-19 15:07:41

Is your boyfriend still friends with her on social media? It sounds like you both just need to block and ignore. If they don't have kids together there is no reason whatsoever why you need to have contact with her any more (other than for him to sort out the divorce, obviously). I think that 'please tell her to fuck right off' is completely reasonable. She has no business snooping in on your lives.

yetanothermanicmonday Wed 20-Nov-19 15:08:30

@Llot5 - He was legally separated when we met. That's just a passive aggressive comment that isn't helpful to anyone. I myself took 3 years to get my divorce through. I suppose I should have sewn up my vagina and not left the house whilst awaiting the paperwork?

BarbedBloom Wed 20-Nov-19 15:09:40

Get him to change his number and just use his current one to communicate about the divorce. Block her on social media. I suspect a mutual friend is passing information to her, as one of my DH's friends did to his obsessed ex (they split up 7 years before I even met him and were only together for six months). We found out who it was and DH limited his view to our profiles

Sallyseagull Wed 20-Nov-19 15:11:30

Block her on all social media.

Drum2018 Wed 20-Nov-19 15:15:44

Block her on SM and set your accounts to private so only friends can see your posts. It's not as if anyone else needs to see your posts, apart from friends list, so it shouldn't be a problem. Let solicitors deal with divorce communication. Is there really any need for bf to have any contact with her when there are no kids involved.

peachgreen Wed 20-Nov-19 15:18:27

Block her, make everything private. My now-husband's ex behaved similarly and that was the only solution.

yetanothermanicmonday Wed 20-Nov-19 15:19:52

Block her on all social media.

I have blocked her known accounts on all SM, aswell as friends I know she has incase they were passing info on as PP has suggested. Boyfriend also has her blocked and so do his family (certainly close family, couldn't be sure about extended etc). I suspect she is making fake profiles to spy on us. So, I made everything very private and yet she still seems to know things. It's a little creepy. Not only that, but she's not even subtle about it! I will post something and the next night she will text boyfriend moaning about it. She shows up at his dads house 10 mins after he arrives. She lives in the general area but not the same street so how the hell does she know so quick where he is?

Is there really any need for bf to have any contact with her when there are no kids involved. My thoughts exactly. This is why I am getting so annoyed by it. It's not like he interacts with her much, he ignores her. But I do feel he needs to take a stronger stand on this somewhere.

Wherecanwegetoff123 Wed 20-Nov-19 15:20:14

Block her number. So what if she sends you messages. Don't read and delete straight away. Who cares if she sees your pictures. If she turns up record her and report for harassment? Only if she keeps turning up and causing a problem though

Wherecanwegetoff123 Wed 20-Nov-19 15:21:18

And does he have an iPhone? Maybe she's logeed into his find my iPhone? Tracker on his car?

KurriKurri Wed 20-Nov-19 15:23:12

If they are going through a divorce process, then the only things they need to be discussing are to do with the settlement. I would get him to get his lawyer to send her a letter saying all contact from now on to be through lawyers.
I did that with my XH because he was getting very abusive, so I refused to discuss anything with him and if he needed leagl info he got it from my lawyers.
I would also suggest that you find out how far along the divorce process is (it shouldn;t be complicated since they weren;t married for laong and had no children - mine took 18mnths and we'd been married 32 yrs and had many shared assets and children, your BF's should not take long at all.)

I would warn you that my XH told everyone (but especially his new GF) I was deliberately holding up the divorce process - this was completely untrue - I had filed for divorce and he was stalling over giving financial details, etc - creating delays at every stage. Men in the process of divorce and in new relationship are not always truthful over what happened or is happening in their marriage/divorce. Make sure you have all the details and make sure he is doing everything to expedite the process.

Any problems after that, and you can report her for harrassment. I wouldn't change what you are doing - if she is abusve on SN, delete and block. If her comments are crazy that will be apparent to everyone reading them.

yetanothermanicmonday Wed 20-Nov-19 15:23:28

@Wherecanwegetoff123 And does he have an iPhone? Maybe she's logeed into his find my iPhone? Tracker on his car?

He doesn't have an iPhone but a tracker on his car wouldn't shock me. I may mention that to him.

yetanothermanicmonday Wed 20-Nov-19 15:26:13

@KurriKurri I would also suggest that you find out how far along the divorce process is (it shouldn;t be complicated since they weren;t married for laong and had no children - mine took 18mnths and we'd been married 32 yrs and had many shared assets and children, your BF's should not take long at all.)

Interesting, I will definitely ask him to pursue this more strongly. My own divorce took years because he would not agree to it. Not sure if its a different process in the North but I had to wait 2 years after separation date until I could proceed without his consent, and then it took a good while after that for the actual decree nisi to come in. She is obviously not being straightforward with things so I think that is causing a delay. The difference however is that I chased my solicitor every month for updates but I don't believe boyfriend is doing so. That's annoying.

Starlight456 Wed 20-Nov-19 15:27:18

Is she getting to your dm. Make sure any posts are friends only . Ensure she is blacked on you boyfriend’s social media too. Ignore completely any comments she makes .

DeRigueurMortis Wed 20-Nov-19 15:29:19

Is it possible she knows your BF's FB password?

Just a thought as that would explain why you can't seem to block her. She could be using his account to access the info and even accepting friend requests from new profiles she creates.

So as a start I'd advise him to change all his SM passwords.

Havaina Wed 20-Nov-19 15:29:35

I have really tried to remain the bigger person and just alter SM privacy setting etc, however she always seems to still find access

What is the SM in question? On FB you can easily tighten your security so if she can find access then you’re not tightening your security properly.

Are you sure it’s not a case of you wanting her to see your updates?

Supersimkin2 Wed 20-Nov-19 15:30:03

Ignore the loser. BF only deals with her through lawyers, and tell them why.

Wherecanwegetoff123 Wed 20-Nov-19 15:32:04

Actually Samsung has a tracker too you just sign into it.

AllStarBySmashMouth Wed 20-Nov-19 15:34:15

What a psycho! But yeah talk to DP and find out why his divorce isn't progressing. That's very odd - unless she's deliberately blocking it which wouldn't surprise me.

And to PP who said don't date married men - don't be so silly. There's a difference between a man who is no longer in a relationship but hasn't finalised the divorce and someone who is actually supposed to be in a relationship with his wife.

messolini9 Wed 20-Nov-19 15:39:56

I will post something and the next night she will text boyfriend moaning about it.

As you & b/f have both blocked, & you suspect she is making fake profiles to snoop, you BOTH need to set all your future posts to "friends only". She isn't a 'friend' on SM, so will not be able to see your posts.

Secretsloth Wed 20-Nov-19 15:42:50

Have you considered the possibility that she knows your boyfriends SM passwords and is checking whats happening via his accounts?

I've known it to happen...

doritosdip Wed 20-Nov-19 15:43:48

Is he sharing his location ?

MustardScreams Wed 20-Nov-19 15:45:38

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

adaline Wed 20-Nov-19 15:47:29

Does she have his FB password?

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