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Who is in the wrong here, please.

(98 Posts)
PerspectiveneededamIwrong7 Wed 20-Nov-19 10:31:05

I have been having a new relationship for about two and a half months. There have been issues and I have been unsure as to whether to put both feet into the relationship (reservations that I have expressed honestly.) I have almost walked away a couple of times but new man says he loves me and I enjoy being with him so I have continued.

Last Friday I ended things rather hastily. He appeared to accept this although asked could we at least keep in touch and we continued to communicate over the weekend. We both expressed real sadness at the relationship coming to an end and he said he had gone to his sisters for the weekend as he felt he couldn't bear being alone in his flat where his pillows still smelt of me.

On Sunday I suggested we meet up to have a face to face conversation on the Monday (as all this had happened over messenger.) I was very careful to say that I only wanted to do this if he did too, and that if he wanted space and distance then to say and I would completely respect that and leave him be. He said of course he wanted to talk.

On the Monday morning he messaged to say he'd had a bad nights sleep and was tired. I asked if he was still up for our talk tonight? He said, 'Yes, see you after 5?' Then, 'You'll have to be patient. I'm pretty tired. What is it you want to talk about?' I replied that I was missing him, wanted to see him, and that I hoped he would say this isn't what he wanted. But that we could leave it if he preferred? He said it was up to me if I wanted to wait until he was more alert but that of course he wanted to see me, as he always does. Bearing in mind we wouldn't have another opportunity to see eachother in at least a week and this felt like an important conversation to have, I went.

He lives an hour and a halfs drive away. I got there and he was clearly exhausted and didn't want me there at all. He was hostile and seemed angry. I asked him perfectly calmly why he had said he wanted to see me if he didn't, and why he didn't just rearrange? He said he'd told me he was tired. I said I felt uncomfortable and like I should probably leave. There were long silences while he crashed about making food. It was really tense. At one point he said, "Just go." So I said ok, and left.

It was an hour and a halfs drive back in the freezing fog and I was very upset. We haven't spoken a word since and I have no intention of contacting him.

But I want to know - was I in the wrong here? He seems to feel that I should have picked up on his hints. But he said he wanted me to go and there's no tone or body language to go on over messenger. I'm not a mind reader. I feel he should have communicated more effectively. Also, it was a bad nights sleep and he was tired. Well, we're all tired sometimes. It wouldn't stop me having an important conversation with someone I supposedly loved after they had driven all that way.

I feel I have been treated very badly. Have I? Or AIBU?

spacepyramid Wed 20-Nov-19 10:32:36

It was never going to go well, you'd ended the relationship and then were giving him some idea that you might want to get back together. If you end a relationship, leave it and move on - no matter how hard that is.

Seeline Wed 20-Nov-19 10:36:09

I don't get why you wanted to see him in the first place - you'd finished the relationship.
Ok you still wanted to keep in touch - which you had been doing. There was no need for a face-to-face, and in my view, if that was going to happen, it was far too soon.

PerspectiveneededamIwrong7 Wed 20-Nov-19 10:37:26

I did want to get back together and hoped he did too. He knew this. I'd expressed this by saying I was hoping he would say this isn't what he wanted.

So if it wasn't what he wanted, and he didn't want to see me or talk, why the hell did he let me drive all that way? He could have just said, 'I'm so sorry, I'm sad too, but I think this is for the best. There isn't much else left to discuss I don't think.' I would have accepted that.

PsychosonicCindy Wed 20-Nov-19 10:38:31

Sorry but I just don't get you. You finished with him then messaged all weekend then hassled him to meet and "you were hoping he'd say this isn't what he wanted..." wtf? Sounds like you're just doing his head in I'd just leave it if I was you.

PerspectiveneededamIwrong7 Wed 20-Nov-19 10:40:01

I am leaving it. I know I've been a bit all over the place.

Seeline Wed 20-Nov-19 10:40:10

Are you sure he knew you wanted to get back together? Had you specifically told him, or were you hoping he would read between the lines?

Newsnat Wed 20-Nov-19 10:40:38

I wouldn’t be working so hard for a relationship or even friendship that has been this Rocky in only 2.5 months. He should have been clearer he didn’t want you there but you shouldn’t of went or asked to go either. Cut your losses and move on I’d say. X

FrankieDoyle Wed 20-Nov-19 10:40:44

I think YABU actually. You'd ended it and then told him you wanted to see him again and you were missing him.

He had hinted that actually he wasnt up for meeting up.

I wouldn't have gone.

Sexnotgender Wed 20-Nov-19 10:41:00

This all sounds like an AWFUL lot of hard work for a 2.5 month relationship. I think there’s things in my fridge older than that.

Catandstuff22 Wed 20-Nov-19 10:42:26

Hmm, difficult situation.
I don't think you're really seeing things from his point of view.
You say yourself that during this two and a half month relationship there has been issues and that you've had reservations. He will have absolutely picked up on your reservations without a doubt which is really not easy for someone. You say you continued with the relationship because he said he loved you. Furthermore, it's quite extreme that someone that you've been with for two and a half months can't go back to his house because his pillows smell like you. Has this been a bit of a whirlwind romance?
I don't think it's particularly fair that you asked to meet up with him after dumping him although it's quite common for people to meet after a break up. It was probably too soon to be honest. It was an emotional weekend for you both, he was then very tired and he probably has other things going on in his life that are upsetting him/stressing him out/making him tired as we all do. However, if he was too tired to meet he should have just said that. Maybe he just wanted to see you. Maybe he felt really desperately sad and lonely, I don't know.
I don't think you've been treated "very badly". I think you both could have done things differently.

Thehop Wed 20-Nov-19 10:43:24

Eh? You dumped him so he was sad all weekend then went over so he could beg you to take him back?

All this trauma after only a couple of months?

It’s not meant to be, definitely
Move on x

Aquamarine1029 Wed 20-Nov-19 10:43:33

You were only seeing each other for 2 months and things were this hard already. Face it, this "relationship" has been doomed from the start. Be glad you didn't waste anymore time.

PhilCornwall1 Wed 20-Nov-19 10:43:40

All sounds over the top for a 2.5 month relationship. Him declaring love and not being able to sleep and not be at home after just this amount of time seems weird.

PerspectiveneededamIwrong7 Wed 20-Nov-19 10:44:01

There are things in my fridge older than that. But I don't have sex with old bits of Cheddar. And I don't invest emotionally in mouldy yoghurt. It's just a bit ouch, you know.

MKUltrachic Wed 20-Nov-19 10:44:47

I don’t think you did anything wrong but this does sound like a very drama ridden relationship that hurts to leave ...but you are best out if it. I’ve been where you are, trying to read between the lines in messenger and it’s madness

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory Wed 20-Nov-19 10:44:56

Oh FGS. The relationship is done. You’re flogging a dead horse. Stop playing with the carcass. Youre only dragging out the pain. It’s done. Leave it now. Stop trying to apportion blame. It’s over. Move on.

AlexaShutUp Wed 20-Nov-19 10:45:05

He was tired and told you that before you went. It's likely that he also felt that you were messing him around, having broken up with him and then changed your mind. On the basis of what you have written, I don't think you have been treated badly.

Sounds like you're not compatible really, so draw a line under the relationship and move on. And let him move on too.

TheMidasTouch Wed 20-Nov-19 10:45:25

You were in the wrong for finishing things with him over messenger and for continuing to 'communicate' by messenger.

You've only been seeing him such a short time but have already had issues where you nearly walked away a couple of times yet say you enjoy being with him. Having issues so early on when you should be just enjoying the romance of it all is not a good sign.

You are both rubbish at communicating. His behaviour on Monday was appalling. It doesn't matter whose fault Monday's situation was. You aren't compatible. Move away from the drama and learn how to communicate better for the health of your future relationships.

PerspectiveneededamIwrong7 Wed 20-Nov-19 10:45:42

Catandstuff I think that's a fair assessment. I think that's a fair comment.

RichTwoTurkeyFriend Wed 20-Nov-19 10:46:24

I don’t think you have been treated very badly. I think it’s not ok to dump people ‘on a whim’ then expect them to be jumping for joy when you change your mind days later. In my experience this is a form of controlling behaviour.
I do think he should have been clearer about you seeing him.

ComtesseDeSpair Wed 20-Nov-19 10:46:49

You’re both as bad as each other. Two and a half months isn’t a relationship and you don’t love each other. You barely know each other. The drama and high emotion you both cultivate to be in a place where after a few weeks you think you’re madly in love spilled over to be drama in every aspect of the relationship. As s previous poster said, it really shouldn’t be this hard. Most emotionally healthy people don’t break up then declare their love again and break up and rinse and repeat in the space of two months. Sorry to sound so harsh, but if you keep on thinking this is a desirable model for dating and relationships, pure going to find yourself in the same situation with other people over and over.

ReanimatedSGB Wed 20-Nov-19 10:47:02

You both sound like hard work. FFS don't get back together or it will be an absolute nightmare.

Caramel78 Wed 20-Nov-19 10:47:27

YABU. Sounds like you messed with his head and he was tired, confused and probably quite resentful when he saw you. Maybe he wanted to see you but when you got there all his emotions bubbled up making him appear hostile

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard Wed 20-Nov-19 10:48:28

Ten weeks or so? In this time he’s declared that he loves you, but you’ve had issues and walked away and ultimately broken up. Sounds like the road to nowhere to me. I’d have taken the hint when he said he was so tired, but I can’t work out why you think it’s worth pursuing anyway.

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