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Poor DH not getting a break......but it’s fine for me to not have a break?!

(122 Posts)
QueenofmyPrinces Wed 20-Nov-19 10:15:55

I can’t tell if I’m overreacting?

I’m a nurse and my husband is a teacher.

I work two days a week, I work my shifts two days in a row, and I’m out the house for over 14 hours each day. I leave the house at 6.50am and am usually home at about 9.30pm. I’m obviously very worn out by the time I get home on my first day, and by the end of my second day I’m shattered.

My husband works 5 days a week, leaves the house at 7am and is back by 4.15pm.

We have two children, a 5 year old and a 2 year old. The 5 year old is at school and the 2 year old goes to a childminder on the days I work.

My husband goes to the gym about three evenings a week once the children are in bed which he can obviously only do because I’m at home to sit with the children. He also goes 1-2 mornings a week before work, so he leaves the house at about 5am so I do all the morning routine myself when the children wake up at about 6am.

The only time I get to do something for myself is for 2 hours on a Friday morning and the 2 year old goes to his childminder during that time to enable me to do it.

On the 5 days I’m not at work I do all the housework jobs, I do the school runs, the homework, the bath times, the bedtimes and I obviously have the 2 year old during the day. My two year old also still wakes 1-2 times a night which I get up and deal with.

When my husband comes home he will cook us our evening meal.

My Manager spoke to me earlier and asked if I could swap my shifts this week to work this coming Saturday and Sunday as they are short staffed. I checked with DH to make sure he/we didn’t have any plans and he said it was fine to work the weekend.

I have since bumped into my FIL, it came up in conversation and he did not look happy and implied that it wasn’t really fair as it meant my DH “wouldn’t get a break.”

I felt so angry and thought, and when the hell do you think I get a break?!

I’m either doing my back to back shifts at work or I’m with the children and doing the day-to-day parenting that I listed above.

He then said he would have to take the children for some periods over the weekend so DH can have some rest and also so he can get to the gym when he wants to go .

He’s never offered to have the children for some periods during the days when I’m at home with them though so that I can have some rest or pursue a leisure activity.....

My DH was away last weekend at a sports fixture, from Friday night through to Sunday night and my FIL obviously thinks solo parenting is fine when the mother has to do it, but God Forbid the father has to look after his children for a weekend whilst the wife has to work.

During the weekend DH was away I didn’t see my father in law once, he didn’t pop round and offer to mind the children for a few hours so I could have some downtime, but as soon as my DH has got to solo parent for two days in a row, suddenly he’s falling over himself to look after the children so DH can have a break.

My DH doesn’t have a problem at all with having the children on his own for both days, he’s really hands on and it wouldn’t even cross his mind that he deserves rest at the weekend. He understands that we both work and the children are both of our responsibilities and we just crack on with it as a team.

I don’t expect any help from FIL at all, that’s not the point of the post, it’s just the complete double standards of it all that’s made me feel so annoyed.

He will now doubt pass underhand comments to my DH about how bad he’s got it because he shouldn’t be expected to look after the children at the weekend when he’s “been at work all week”.

His attitude has really pissed me off

AlwaysCheddar Wed 20-Nov-19 10:19:23

Your fil is an arse!!! If your husband starts to agree with him... send him Packing!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 20-Nov-19 10:20:09

If your DH has time to to the gym 5 times I week, I'd say he's doing alright.

Why doesn't he help around the house or in terms of parenting? It makes him sound like a selfish, lazy twat to be honest.

QueenofmyPrinces Wed 20-Nov-19 10:20:25

Your fil is an arse!!! If your husband starts to agree with him... send him Packing!

Thankfully that will never happen grin

Celebelly Wed 20-Nov-19 10:22:41

* On the 5 days I’m not at work I do all the housework jobs, I do the school runs, the homework, the bath times, the bedtimes*

Why?

Tolleshunt Wed 20-Nov-19 10:23:35

‘You know what FIL, you’re dead right, working and childcare make for a tough life. Time to oneself is so necessary. Can you come and babysit on X and Y, so I can get a break?’

Fed up of hearing of men’s parents thinking they should do less than their wives skivvies.

adaline Wed 20-Nov-19 10:24:04

Why do you do so much?

QueenofmyPrinces Wed 20-Nov-19 10:24:36

*Why doesn't he help around the house or in terms of parenting? It makes him sound like a selfish, lazy twat to be honest.

I only do it because I’m the one at home during the day. Like I said, he cooks us our evening meal every night (and cleans the kitchen afterwards) and does all the weekly shopping so he’s still paying a part grin

I do the day to day work with the kids but he’s very hands on otherwise. I always work one day every weekend anyway so he’s at home with the children on that day. He is also always taking them on days out etc and away for the weekend. He also takes our eldest one abroad on his own 2 times a year (during the school half terms) so he definitely doesn’t shy away parenting grin

QueenofmyPrinces Wed 20-Nov-19 10:25:44

’You know what FIL, you’re dead right, working and childcare make for a tough life. Time to oneself is so necessary. Can you come and babysit on X and Y, so I can get a break

grin grin

GrumpyHoonMain Wed 20-Nov-19 10:26:34

A teacher who comes home at 4:15pm has it very, very easy. I would suggest he probably isn’t doing his job properly which based on what you said about everything else he doesn’t do seems about right.

Tolleshunt Wed 20-Nov-19 10:27:35

Do it!! I’d love to see the fucker’s face if you do!

QueenofmyPrinces Wed 20-Nov-19 10:28:27

A teacher who comes home at 4:15pm has it very, very easy. I would suggest he probably isn’t doing his job properly which based on what you said about everything else he doesn’t do seems about right.

He’s actually in a very senior role in his job and due to the nature of where he teaches the school shuts at 3.15 so he stays for about 45 minutes to do some work and then comes home.

puds11 Wed 20-Nov-19 10:31:29

Society is backwards. A dad changes a nappy, they practically win an award, a mother sticks a child in front of the telly for 5 mins to poop alone and is a terrible mother rotting her baby’s brain!

Also referring to dads looking after their own kids as ‘babysitting’ drives me wild.

FIL is clearly an arse.

GrumpyHoonMain Wed 20-Nov-19 10:31:57

Wow. Need that job. Nobody I know in teaching, senior or junior, finishes before 6-7pm

QueenofmyPrinces Wed 20-Nov-19 10:33:13

*In the 10 years I’ve known him he has never been home later than 5pm - parents evening aside or special school events.

TotHappy Wed 20-Nov-19 10:34:37

Lots of teachers come home and work later. Although I'm amazed he has time for the gym three evenings a week. I think I'd be feeling a bit lonely at that op, you're working two evenings and three other evenings he's out - so he's not home with you much is he? But if you're fine with it it's your call.
Yes I would be mightily pissed off with fil too. Did you say anything or just do one of those non-committal fake laughs and picture pushing him off a cliff?
Do you think he actually will come and take the kids this weekend?! I'd feel like forbidding DH from delegating them but that would be unreasonable I suppose!

TotHappy Wed 20-Nov-19 10:35:53

Maybe the DH is working to rule? We all should be!

antisupermum Wed 20-Nov-19 10:36:55

I can't understand why you posted a rant and are now defending your DH to the hilt every time someone points out an obvious disparity between the workloads. Your FIL has obviously had to listen to your husband whinge about you working at the weekend and that spurred on his comments. He didn't just engage psychic powers to know what is happening with your schedules and have a random moan over it.

You should be having a very succinct conversation with your husband that a) you don't appreciate him bad mouthing you to anyone, even his family b) you don't appreciate the suggestion that he works harder than you c) you both need to have a discussion about a fairer way to distribute the family tasks as there is clearly resentment building on both parts.

CentralPerkMug Wed 20-Nov-19 10:39:48

My children's school is literally closed up, lights out, no cars, gates locked by 1600-1630 every day so I am not sure why it has been suggested that this DH isn't doing his job right just because he is home a little earlier than that?? OP hasn't said that he doesn't do any work at home either??

OP I agree with previous posters that your dh needs to do a bit more round the house. More importantly, just ignore fil!

QueenofmyPrinces Wed 20-Nov-19 10:40:16

Although I'm amazed he has time for the gym three evenings a week. I think I'd be feeling a bit lonely at that op, you're working two evenings and three other evenings he's out - so he's not home with you much is he?

He goes to the gym at about 8pm until 9.30 so he’s home for 4 hours before he goes and then we have about 1.5 hours together before we go to bed. It’s not ideal but he likes to keep himself fit and he actually gains weight quite quickly if he doesn’t go regularly.

Yes I would be mightily pissed off with fil too. Did you say anything or just do one of those non-committal fake laughs and picture pushing him off a cliff? Do you think he actually will come and take the kids this weekend?!

I just stood there when he said, feeling chastised. I didn’t know how to respond.

And yes, he will definitely have the children for a about 3-4 hours on both days.

QueenofmyPrinces Wed 20-Nov-19 10:44:49

antisupermum - I’m not sure how you’ve got the impression that my DH is badmouthing or that he thinks he works harder than me?!

DH isn’t like that at all, I promise you. He knows how hard I work and he has absolutely no problem whatsoever with my shifts - none at all. Me working weekends is not an issue for him or me because it’s just part of being married to a shift worker

For the last 5 years I’ve been working weekends alongside having the children, it’s just part of our life and it isn’t
an issue between us at all, never has been.

YabaDabaBoo Wed 20-Nov-19 10:45:51

GrumpyHoonMain

One of the most ridiculous comments on this thread. Great contribution to the thread though. Really helped the op out there, knocking down her dh. My brother, sister and bil are all teachers and they are all home by 4.30 at the latest, unless it’s parents evening or school event.

Op, I understand where you’re coming from. My mil and my own gran are a bit like this. My dh is also very hands on but mil does make comments if he’s made dinner that I’m so lucky. It’s always about how hard he works and how lucky I am that dh looks after the kids when I’m having my hair done! Just ignore him, it’s so old fashioned.

GreenyEye Wed 20-Nov-19 10:46:10

please tell me you relayed this conversation to your DH, and mentioned how utterly disgusted you were with FIL's attitude?

I hope DH is geared up to tell him NO, and not accept the 'help' and tells your FIL maybe he ought to pull his finger out and offer to help you once in a while!

IF your DH does none of those things, you need to have a frank discussion about how little time you get to yourself compared to him.

pumpkinpie01 Wed 20-Nov-19 10:46:10

It's so infuriating that men think that they should be having a break when left with their own children for more than 24 hours ! My neighbours DH is like this , had the 2 kids for a day and did driving favours dropping the Dc off with his parents , he was gone 5 hours altogether

QueenofmyPrinces Wed 20-Nov-19 10:49:09

please tell me you relayed this conversation to your DH, and mentioned how utterly disgusted you were with FIL's attitude

I will do when DH gets home tonight.

Me and FIL have a long history of him making comments to me that seem to downplay my role in the family but that’s another thread grin

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