Not buying DD presents for Christmas

[bahhumbug5]

Don't want to drip feed so might have some irrelevant info 😩

My partner has two children from a previous relationship, age 8 and 9 I have been in their lives since they were 3 and 4 and I always spend around £80 each on them at Christmas. DP always goes over board for birthdays and Christmas but it's his money so not my problem.

We now have an 18 month old, she was very prem and still wasn't doing much by last Christmas so I put £150 in her savings account (we have separate money) and didn't buy any toys as family gave us money for her to buy things as we need it. DP didn't put any money away and buy anything as he said she had gifts from my family (my family have always got DSC presents too). This pissed me off but I thought, meh, she's 6 months old she doesn't know what's going on. Same thing happened for her 1st birthday, again I put £150 away as we combined it with a christening and she had quite a lot of money and gifts (all gone into her savings), and at such a Young age I just buy things as and when she needs it but again no contribution from DP.

This Christmas, she more mobile and alert and she's very aware of toys. I've spent her usual £150 on new toys, a trike etc but DP has so far spent around £400 each on his other children but hasn't bought out DD a single thing. He said she will have loads from family Members anyway. The children have an active mother and family on her side, so will not be going without presents on maternal side either.

I think it's fucking disgusting and tempted to LTB over it.

AIBU?

[FreedomfromPE]

It sounds awfully uncaring of him to not be treating his children equally. But aren't the presents from both of you?

[TheTrollFairy]

Why aren’t the gifts from both of you? I have bought the gifts for DD for all birthdays/Christmas but they are gifts from me and DP

[GrumpyHoonMain]

I think you’re both spending far too much on Christmas presents that none of the kids will even remember when they’re adults.

[HigherFurtherFasterBaby]

Yeah I would LTB.

[Nishky]

Yes as other posters have said the gifts are from both of you. We don’t have a joint account and some years I have bought all presents, sometimes DH does and sometimes we split it. Every year the gifts are from both of us.....

[Nishky]

@GrumpyHoonMain I don’t think that was the AIBU question tbh

[Spanglebangle]

Sounds totally reasonable to me. Any presents I buy for DD are given from both mummy and daddy because we are together and a unit. However if we split up I would buy DD presents just from mummy and DH would buy presents just from daddy. Your DP probably assumes you are getting DD presents from both of you. He however still has to buy for his other children.

[TheMidasTouch]

By that same token why is he bothering to buy his older 2 children presents when their mum and other relatives are spending on them too?

He isn't being consistent at all. However, I wouldn't think him spending £400 on your baby is a good idea. Is he spending so much on his older children because he doesn't see them as much and feels, incorrectly, that he is showing them how much he loves them?

[Spudina]

Technically he is right that your 18month old does not need loads of stuff. But I can see why it’s getting to you when you compare the (crazy) amount he spends on his own children. But as for LTB? Seems extreme. What’s he like as a father and partner generally?

[merryhouse]

Ffs people.

(1) It's quite clearly and explicitly stated that they have separate money. It's not the way I would do things, but the OP's whole set-up is not the way I would do things and that's obviously what she and her partner have decided is the best way to deal with it.

(2) Whether or not they're spending ridiculous amounts on presents is none of our business. If you're finding it hard to get past this, take a zero off each of the figures (and if then necessary imagine that the OP is a bit poor).

The plain fact of the matter is that this man has been spending significant amounts on presents for two of his children and refuses to consider buying anything for the other one.

OP would like our advice on what to do about this. Not on what is a proper amount to spend on presents, not on how she should sort finances with her life partner; but on how she should deal with this blatant discrimination against one of the children.

How would you feel if you left? Because it's all very well people saying leave, but you need to know whether you actually would if push came to shove. How much are you prepared to stand firm against this? Enough to turn your lives inside-out?

Personally, I reckon I would go asap (and not buy any of them any Christmas presents). Is this an indication of what he's going to be like with your daughter for the next 20 years? If so, she doesn't need that in her house.

[Ginfordinner]

I do most of the Christmas present shopping for DD, but the presents are from both of us. We are married and have a joint account.

[AloeVeraLynn]

Why isn't it just all from both of you?

[TotHappy]

Hmmm... It's complicated by the separate finances I think. I can see why you're annoyed. But I would not spend anything like £150 on my daughter at Christmas or birthday, she's three now and have only spent maximum £50 so far.... This year night come out just above that. So it's possible she just thinks that at her age it'd be pointless him adding to what you've got her.

Did you discuss the trike etc before buying? I always talk to DH about ideas of what to get DD, if he showed no interest I'd be hurt. If you did discuss it, maybe next time you could agree on what to get and then ask him to get it? So the £150 is spent between you? If he's happy to buy stuff instead of you that might be a clue that it's the aaniunt of stuff he objects to. If he won't and is reluctant to get her anything I'd be really pissed off and more likely to ltb (probably not immediately though).

Also, how is he about paying for things she needs as they come up? A cot/pushchair/ new toys as she hits developmental stages? Has he happily stumped up for them? Again, if he has, I'd think it's maybe reluctance to accumulate unnecessary toys. If he hasn't, I'd think he's neglecting her and it's not right.

[Pilot12]

Why are you buying separate presents for the children? If you live together all the gifts should be from both of you (or are the gifts that your partner is buying for his children from him and his ex partner?).

Unfortunately it's a similar situation in our house. DP has DSD16 and we have DS4 and DS1. DSD16 gets £400 spent on her presents because according to DP she has to have expensive gifts to keep up with her friends otherwise she'll be picked on and bullied (she gets the same spent on her again by her mother who has a decent job and other maternal family). DS4 gets £100 for his stocking and £100 for his main present (because he's too young to suffer from peer pressure) and DS1 grudgingly gets £50 because he doesn't need anything (we kept everything we had from when his brother was a baby and he gets a few gifts to open from family). All gifts are from both of us as I'm a SAHM.

Personally I think all three should get the same amount of money with DS1 getting cash to be spent as required but DP insists the current arrangement is fair.

In addition MIL has five grandchildren and spends differing amounts of money on each. Those that live near her get more money spent on them because she sees them often. Those that live at the other end of the country get less because she sees them less (hardly their fault!).

[GettingABitDesperateNow]

Why does he spend on his own children when they surely have other presents from their mum? Why does he dsme rule not apply to them?

Do you think he is just doing it because of her age? So when she is old enough to realise what's going on and understand christmas and birthdays he will change?

[category12]

at such a Young age I just buy things as and when she needs it but again no contribution from DP.

Is this apart from presents? Does he contribute financially to your dd's needs generally?

It sounds like he's overcompensating materially for the dc he doesn't live with.

Is he a good engaged father to your child together?

[BlackSwanGreen]

DP has so far spent around £400 each on his other children but hasn't bought out DD a single thing This is awful OP. I would be really upset too.

[BlackSwanGreen]

As others have said, what about day-to-day expenses? Is he financially fair between the DC except at Xmas and birthdays?

[carolinelucaseshandbag]

He sounds like an absolute delight

[Herocomplex]

@merryhouse - exactly 💐

[messolini9]

I've spent her usual £150 on new toys, a trike etc but DP has so far spent around £400 each on his other children but hasn't bought out DD a single thing

Meh.
DH bought nothing for YOUR child.
You bought nothing for HIS children.

Does HE think that's "fucking disgusting", & is he tempted to leave you over it?

[TotHappy]

Not everyone thinks like you about it though, Pilot, I really don't like the idea that all children (or anyone really) should have the same amount spent on them. For me it's the same amount of consideration, so you make sure everyone has something they like/love as much as possible, and don't add up the cost.

E.g. I have a mental budget of £10 each for everyone's Christmas present. But this year I saw a present I thought would be perfect for my sister at £16 and got it. And then my mum said that what she wanted was some cuttings from some of my plants, so I will divide and repot them for her for Christmas, and it won't cost a penny. It's not because I love either of them less.
They are adults obviously but it's the same principle with kids imo so although your views are not uncommon, people who disagree aren't necessarily being unfair or tight.

[ISpeakJive]

But even if the finances are separate I still find it odd that you would each pay half for your own child’s present!!

[MollyWeasleysWizardsSleeve]

Do you live together?
The presents to his kids should be from both of you. And if they are not, then I can see why you are annoyed that your baby is getting a worse deal than her half siblings.

[lau888]

Unless some of the £800 went on cash or high-value small items, your DP is spending too much on his older children. I can't believe his ex is happy about the ensuing clutter-fest. However, he's correct in wanting to limit the number of physical items his youngest child acquires. (You will, with the best of intentions, still end up with a house full of toys and sheer clutter.)

The fairest solution would be for him to contribute to the youngest child's bank account to achieve parity with their siblings' gift values. He has 3 children, not 2 children.