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Not buying DD presents for Christmas

(108 Posts)
bahhumbug5 Wed 20-Nov-19 10:12:45

Don't want to drip feed so might have some irrelevant info 😩

My partner has two children from a previous relationship, age 8 and 9 I have been in their lives since they were 3 and 4 and I always spend around £80 each on them at Christmas. DP always goes over board for birthdays and Christmas but it's his money so not my problem.

We now have an 18 month old, she was very prem and still wasn't doing much by last Christmas so I put £150 in her savings account (we have separate money) and didn't buy any toys as family gave us money for her to buy things as we need it. DP didn't put any money away and buy anything as he said she had gifts from my family (my family have always got DSC presents too). This pissed me off but I thought, meh, she's 6 months old she doesn't know what's going on. Same thing happened for her 1st birthday, again I put £150 away as we combined it with a christening and she had quite a lot of money and gifts (all gone into her savings), and at such a Young age I just buy things as and when she needs it but again no contribution from DP.

This Christmas, she more mobile and alert and she's very aware of toys. I've spent her usual £150 on new toys, a trike etc but DP has so far spent around £400 each on his other children but hasn't bought out DD a single thing. He said she will have loads from family Members anyway. The children have an active mother and family on her side, so will not be going without presents on maternal side either.

I think it's fucking disgusting and tempted to LTB over it.

AIBU?

FreedomfromPE Wed 20-Nov-19 10:17:42

It sounds awfully uncaring of him to not be treating his children equally. But aren't the presents from both of you?

TheTrollFairy Wed 20-Nov-19 10:21:49

Why aren’t the gifts from both of you? I have bought the gifts for DD for all birthdays/Christmas but they are gifts from me and DP

GrumpyHoonMain Wed 20-Nov-19 10:23:48

I think you’re both spending far too much on Christmas presents that none of the kids will even remember when they’re adults.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby Wed 20-Nov-19 10:24:09

Yeah I would LTB.

Nishky Wed 20-Nov-19 10:25:41

Yes as other posters have said the gifts are from both of you. We don’t have a joint account and some years I have bought all presents, sometimes DH does and sometimes we split it. Every year the gifts are from both of us.....

Nishky Wed 20-Nov-19 10:26:39

@GrumpyHoonMain I don’t think that was the AIBU question tbh

Spanglebangle Wed 20-Nov-19 10:28:45

Sounds totally reasonable to me. Any presents I buy for DD are given from both mummy and daddy because we are together and a unit. However if we split up I would buy DD presents just from mummy and DH would buy presents just from daddy. Your DP probably assumes you are getting DD presents from both of you. He however still has to buy for his other children.

TheMidasTouch Wed 20-Nov-19 10:31:36

By that same token why is he bothering to buy his older 2 children presents when their mum and other relatives are spending on them too?

He isn't being consistent at all. However, I wouldn't think him spending £400 on your baby is a good idea. Is he spending so much on his older children because he doesn't see them as much and feels, incorrectly, that he is showing them how much he loves them?

Spudina Wed 20-Nov-19 10:35:40

Technically he is right that your 18month old does not need loads of stuff. But I can see why it’s getting to you when you compare the (crazy) amount he spends on his own children. But as for LTB? Seems extreme. What’s he like as a father and partner generally?

merryhouse Wed 20-Nov-19 10:40:57

Ffs people.

(1) It's quite clearly and explicitly stated that they have separate money. It's not the way I would do things, but the OP's whole set-up is not the way I would do things and that's obviously what she and her partner have decided is the best way to deal with it.

(2) Whether or not they're spending ridiculous amounts on presents is none of our business. If you're finding it hard to get past this, take a zero off each of the figures (and if then necessary imagine that the OP is a bit poor).

The plain fact of the matter is that this man has been spending significant amounts on presents for two of his children and refuses to consider buying anything for the other one.

OP would like our advice on what to do about this. Not on what is a proper amount to spend on presents, not on how she should sort finances with her life partner; but on how she should deal with this blatant discrimination against one of the children.

How would you feel if you left? Because it's all very well people saying leave, but you need to know whether you actually would if push came to shove. How much are you prepared to stand firm against this? Enough to turn your lives inside-out?

Personally, I reckon I would go asap (and not buy any of them any Christmas presents). Is this an indication of what he's going to be like with your daughter for the next 20 years? If so, she doesn't need that in her house.

Ginfordinner Wed 20-Nov-19 10:43:23

I do most of the Christmas present shopping for DD, but the presents are from both of us. We are married and have a joint account.

AloeVeraLynn Wed 20-Nov-19 10:45:04

Why isn't it just all from both of you? confused

TotHappy Wed 20-Nov-19 10:45:24

Hmmm... It's complicated by the separate finances I think. I can see why you're annoyed. But I would not spend anything like £150 on my daughter at Christmas or birthday, she's three now and have only spent maximum £50 so far.... This year night come out just above that. So it's possible she just thinks that at her age it'd be pointless him adding to what you've got her.

Did you discuss the trike etc before buying? I always talk to DH about ideas of what to get DD, if he showed no interest I'd be hurt. If you did discuss it, maybe next time you could agree on what to get and then ask him to get it? So the £150 is spent between you? If he's happy to buy stuff instead of you that might be a clue that it's the aaniunt of stuff he objects to. If he won't and is reluctant to get her anything I'd be really pissed off and more likely to ltb (probably not immediately though).

Also, how is he about paying for things she needs as they come up? A cot/pushchair/ new toys as she hits developmental stages? Has he happily stumped up for them? Again, if he has, I'd think it's maybe reluctance to accumulate unnecessary toys. If he hasn't, I'd think he's neglecting her and it's not right.

Pilot12 Wed 20-Nov-19 10:46:25

Why are you buying separate presents for the children? If you live together all the gifts should be from both of you (or are the gifts that your partner is buying for his children from him and his ex partner?).

Unfortunately it's a similar situation in our house. DP has DSD16 and we have DS4 and DS1. DSD16 gets £400 spent on her presents because according to DP she has to have expensive gifts to keep up with her friends otherwise she'll be picked on and bullied (she gets the same spent on her again by her mother who has a decent job and other maternal family). DS4 gets £100 for his stocking and £100 for his main present (because he's too young to suffer from peer pressure) and DS1 grudgingly gets £50 because he doesn't need anything (we kept everything we had from when his brother was a baby and he gets a few gifts to open from family). All gifts are from both of us as I'm a SAHM.

Personally I think all three should get the same amount of money with DS1 getting cash to be spent as required but DP insists the current arrangement is fair.

In addition MIL has five grandchildren and spends differing amounts of money on each. Those that live near her get more money spent on them because she sees them often. Those that live at the other end of the country get less because she sees them less (hardly their fault!).

GettingABitDesperateNow Wed 20-Nov-19 10:49:50

Why does he spend on his own children when they surely have other presents from their mum? Why does he dsme rule not apply to them?

Do you think he is just doing it because of her age? So when she is old enough to realise what's going on and understand christmas and birthdays he will change?

category12 Wed 20-Nov-19 10:50:39

at such a Young age I just buy things as and when she needs it but again no contribution from DP.

Is this apart from presents? Does he contribute financially to your dd's needs generally?

It sounds like he's overcompensating materially for the dc he doesn't live with.

Is he a good engaged father to your child together?

BlackSwanGreen Wed 20-Nov-19 10:52:56

DP has so far spent around £400 each on his other children but hasn't bought out DD a single thing This is awful OP. I would be really upset too.

BlackSwanGreen Wed 20-Nov-19 10:54:00

As others have said, what about day-to-day expenses? Is he financially fair between the DC except at Xmas and birthdays?

carolinelucaseshandbag Wed 20-Nov-19 10:56:03

He sounds like an absolute delight angry

Herocomplex Wed 20-Nov-19 10:56:51

@merryhouse - exactly 💐

messolini9 Wed 20-Nov-19 10:57:20

I've spent her usual £150 on new toys, a trike etc but DP has so far spent around £400 each on his other children but hasn't bought out DD a single thing

Meh.
DH bought nothing for YOUR child.
You bought nothing for HIS children.

Does HE think that's "fucking disgusting", & is he tempted to leave you over it?

TotHappy Wed 20-Nov-19 10:58:35

Not everyone thinks like you about it though, Pilot, I really don't like the idea that all children (or anyone really) should have the same amount spent on them. For me it's the same amount of consideration, so you make sure everyone has something they like/love as much as possible, and don't add up the cost.

E.g. I have a mental budget of £10 each for everyone's Christmas present. But this year I saw a present I thought would be perfect for my sister at £16 and got it. And then my mum said that what she wanted was some cuttings from some of my plants, so I will divide and repot them for her for Christmas, and it won't cost a penny. It's not because I love either of them less.
They are adults obviously but it's the same principle with kids imo so although your views are not uncommon, people who disagree aren't necessarily being unfair or tight.

ISpeakJive Wed 20-Nov-19 10:59:04

But even if the finances are separate I still find it odd that you would each pay half for your own child’s present!!

MollyWeasleysWizardsSleeve Wed 20-Nov-19 10:59:55

Do you live together?
The presents to his kids should be from both of you. And if they are not, then I can see why you are annoyed that your baby is getting a worse deal than her half siblings.

lau888 Wed 20-Nov-19 11:01:04

Unless some of the £800 went on cash or high-value small items, your DP is spending too much on his older children. I can't believe his ex is happy about the ensuing clutter-fest. However, he's correct in wanting to limit the number of physical items his youngest child acquires. (You will, with the best of intentions, still end up with a house full of toys and sheer clutter.)

The fairest solution would be for him to contribute to the youngest child's bank account to achieve parity with their siblings' gift values. He has 3 children, not 2 children.

RedskyToNight Wed 20-Nov-19 11:01:26

Your 18 month old will not know who bought her what present (and will probably prefer the box/wrapping paper anyway). So I couldn't get bothered about a child that seems to be showered in gifts not getting any more. With the age gap, it's likely that his children will always have more spent on them in a particular year than yours; that doesn't mean it won't even out over time.

I'd be focusing on whether he otherwise treats her fairly (and fair does not mean equal) compared to his other children?

Pinkblueberry Wed 20-Nov-19 11:02:12

I don’t understand why you’re spending separately like this on presents confused I buy presents for my mum, sister etc DH for his side but both our names are on the tags. We both buy things for DS but we don’t keep count of who spent what really, we sort of guess that we’ve spent more or less evenly and see the presents as from both of us as we still choose them together. I do think it’s odd that your DH spends so much on his older kids and nothing on his youngest - but maybe it’s just an age thing. I can imagine buying for older children who know what they want is easier than for babies.

LagunaBubbles Wed 20-Nov-19 11:05:18

I can't think why a couple in a relationship with a child would be buying separate presents for them. My DH and I can buy things separately but they are always from the both of us.

BarbaraofSeville Wed 20-Nov-19 11:06:13

As others have said, what about day-to-day expenses? Is he financially fair between the DC except at Xmas and birthdays

This is more of an issue. As long as the 18 MO has age appropriate toys and treats, there's absolutely no need to spend a lot of money on Christmas presents and putting money into savings for her is a great idea. She has no concept of what Christmas means and you could wrap her up a box of balloons and she'd get just as much enjoyment as an expensive present.

But what's far more important is that both you and DP are fairly contributing to the cost of her general upbringing (and general household costs and duties, assuming that you do live together of course).

If you're unsure, you could work out what this should be, including the cost of presents/savings for her, and make sure he contributes an appropriate amount, taking income into account, plus the costs of his DC that are not yours.

Purpledragon40 Wed 20-Nov-19 11:07:23

Is DP contributing for your DD at all? Like ok he might not buy Christmas presents but does he provide for her generally. I wouldn't LTB if the presents are coming from you but generally DP is providing for his child though if he isn't I think you have a problem greater than Christmas presents.

RossPoldark Wed 20-Nov-19 11:08:48

All 3 children are his and he is only buying (massive amounts!) for 2 of them? That is horrible and really weird.

I can understand not buying loads for babies or tiny tots or if money is very tight but his behaviour is so strange.

SunshineAngel Wed 20-Nov-19 11:09:14

I don't know why you even bother being together if you're being like this.

If it was me and my partner, I would buy our child presents, and he would buy for his two. That way I'd still have spent less, because he has two of his own to fork out for!

I wouldn't mind either.

I don't understand couples who see finances as completely rigid and separate. If you're living like that you're pretty much housemates.

AudTheDeepMinded Wed 20-Nov-19 11:16:49

It does sound unequal, but perhaps he spends such a lot on his children due to feeling guilty that he is not always there for them like he is for your mutual child?

Zilla1 Wed 20-Nov-19 11:20:51

Trying to be positive, it sounds like you could do with an honest conversation with your DP about his expectations around his financial 'contributions' to your DC and his view of your DC's place in his family situation. Depending on what he says, I would tell him to give you £400 to save for your DC if she doesn't 'need' presents as she'll be receiving from other family members (to me a most odd way of thinking for a parent) and that you don't expect her to be disadvantaged compared with her half-siblings. Good luck.

sergeantmajor Wed 20-Nov-19 11:31:23

Leaving the father of your child over this? Really?

Perhaps he feels that he has to compensate with his other kids with presents because he secretly favours your dd?
Perhaps he is trying to prove that he's still a good dad to his ex? There could be lots of good intentioned reasons.

Have you had this conversation yet: "I am hurt that you are giving presents to your other kids but not to our daughter. I am worried that this means she will be second best her whole life. This means a lot to me. Can you reconsider or help me understand?"

Then listen to his answer, take some time to reflect on it, and draw your own conclusion.

ChocoholicsAsylum Wed 20-Nov-19 11:31:48

The presents wont be from both if they have seperate finances and what a copout anyway! Unless the stuff he buys other children are "from him and OP"? If not then OP this is disgusting and Id be raging!

Flashbackflossie Wed 20-Nov-19 11:42:18

You’re being ridiculous and a bit jealous, by the sounds of it. You need to deal with that if your relationship is to grow and thrive. Will you expect your DP to prioritise your DD over his other children when she’s a bit older? If so, that’s an unrealistic expectation.

It should never be about how much money is spent per person.
Fair and equal are not the same thing.

Your DD is still a baby so has very few materialistic needs at this stage.
Whereas, an 8 and 9yr old will be very aware of not having their parents living together and your DP is trying to reassure them of his love with monetary gestures as well as time spent with them.

I think your DP is being pragmatic by pointing out that your DD will receive plenty of gifts from your family for now and he’s demonstrating how to be a caring dad to his older children. It’s not their fault that their parents are no longer together.

Cuppachino Wed 20-Nov-19 11:46:14

Can't he buy the DSC from both of you and you buy DC from both of you? So the money you would've been spending on DSC can go to DD.

gingersausage Wed 20-Nov-19 11:59:43

@messolini9 that doesn’t work though because OP’s child is his child too. He has three kids, she has one.

TeacupDrama Wed 20-Nov-19 12:01:14

DP has 3 children ( 2 with EX 1 with OP) he should roughly spend the same on each but he has not bought his child with OP anything
OP has 1 child with DP ( she has previously bought presents for DP's older children)
he is not buying for one of his own children

DP should treat all 3 of his kids the same the older two will get presents from their mum and her family, his youngest will get presents from Op's family seems pretty equal apart form his refusal to contribute to his youngest present
unless their is a backstory that his older kids have no other family as grandparents dead etc so he spends more on them so they have the same in total as your own wee one gets loads from extended family

HeyNotInMyName Wed 20-Nov-19 12:16:04

YANBU,
Whatever money you spend should bemoney you send TOGETHER. He clearky thinks ou are the one to dothe buysing but someow doesnt think about chipping in money wise.
i have an issue with the discrepency between what he spends on his two dcs and what he spends on his dd.
Favouristism never ends up well.

messolini9 Wed 20-Nov-19 12:16:56

@messolini9 that doesn’t work though because OP’s child is his child too. He has three kids, she has one.

Oh but it does, @gingersausage!
When you marry a man with kids, you take on those kids too.
They are part of her family life. Of course she should buy them presents.

Or she could stop being daft, & just say that the presents he buys his 2 older kids, & the presents she buys the youngest, are from BOTH of them.

HeyNotInMyName Wed 20-Nov-19 12:18:27

I have to say I woud also like to know if he is paying 50% of the cost of raising his child too.....

bahhumbug5 Wed 20-Nov-19 12:22:16

Yes we live together, we pay half for everything rent and bills etc however things like clothes I buy.

For our DD I am never going to say "this is off mommy" however I think it's the lack of contribution for ideas, money or anything really. Makes it feel like she's only my daughter and he doesn't need to bother? Whereas his children he signs all his presents "love daddy" and they have a few gifts from me. Not sure why but it's how we've always done it.

I think the point I'm trying to make is he hasn't contributed financially or emotionally towards anything for her

RedskyToNight Wed 20-Nov-19 12:23:49

DP has 3 children ( 2 with EX 1 with OP) he should roughly spend the same on each

That doesn't make sense with children of such differing ages.
How much did DP spend on his older children when they were toddlers?

Pinkblueberry Wed 20-Nov-19 12:24:10

When you marry a man with kids, you take on those kids too.

I agree, especially in the OP’s case as she says she’s been in their lives since they were 3 and 4, you cannot just separate yourself from that - I think if a man were to do that the comments would be quite different!

category12 Wed 20-Nov-19 12:24:42

So crib, pushchair, car seat, baby clothes, nappies etc - did/does he contribute to those?

bahhumbug5 Wed 20-Nov-19 12:25:32

I don't want her to be favoured in any account, just treated equally. As PP have said, I have 1 child, he has 3.

Dontdisturbmenow Wed 20-Nov-19 12:25:40

Way too much spent on all three children. So sad that it comes down to point scoring on how much each spend like it's a competition. It sounds like buying for the sake of buying rather than what is reasonable to spend on children who should be happy with much less spent on them.

PersephoneOP Wed 20-Nov-19 12:25:51

@bahhumbug5 He is being really neglectful of your daughter, his children should all have an equal amount spent on them at Christmas, especially when you are buying things for your step-kids!

Please check his behaviour before your daughter gets old enough to notice it.

And don't sugar-coat how awful his attitude is when you talk to him about this!

Good luck

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup Wed 20-Nov-19 12:28:23

If you have separate finances why not agree what's being spent on DD then ask him for half the amount into your account before you buy it?

Pinkblueberry Wed 20-Nov-19 12:29:28

Whereas his children he signs all his presents "love daddy" and they have a few gifts from me. Not sure why but it's how we've always done it.

I think that’s a big problem tbh. I think they should all be from both of you. Even my dad and step mum do this, and they didn’t meet until I was in my mid-twenties! What about other presents? For example other family members. I think when you’re a couple it’s pretty standard to sign off from both, unless I was buying for a friend of mine or colleague who DH doesn’t really know or spend time with. All family presents and close friends are from both of us (even if we both didn’t contribute financially or even know what the other person bought!)

aintnothinbutagstring Wed 20-Nov-19 12:42:10

As other posters have asked, does he contribute to the upkeep of your dd in other ways throughout the year? Baby equipment, milk, nappies, what has he bought for her? I agree with others that almost £1000 being collectively (but separate) spent on your dsd's at Xmas is too much. Joint presents should be given to them, signed from 'dad and stepmum' you are a couple. Your dd is still little so doesn't need that much, but I can see you are also upset by the lack of emotional input too, especially if you see him spending lots of time deciding what to buy his other DDs.

Could it be he is under pressure to match up to his DDs mother, in contribution at Xmas. Will she be annoyed, punish him, if he doesn't spend a lot or bad mouth him to others? Just a thought.

leghairdontcare Wed 20-Nov-19 12:45:15

People are focussing on the fact you don't have joint finances. So to provide a counterpoint, my husband and I have completely joint finances. He will always involve himself in conversations about what we buy our children for Christmas. He thinks about it, he browses for toys and makes suggestions. He makes an effort because he wants to make DC happy.

Op's partner doesn't seem to have control anything in terms of finances or thought? And it's the latter that's the big problem. How do you go out and buy £800 worth of presents for 2 kids and nothing for the 3rd? That is awful!

FrenchJunebug Wed 20-Nov-19 12:53:31

not the point by you spent £150 on toys for an 18 months old?! I don't even spend that for my 8 year old.

aSofaNearYou Wed 20-Nov-19 12:54:11

It's a bit unusual that you buy for the kids separately and results in you spending way too much - but given that this is how you are doing it, no you are not being unreasonable.

If he expects you to buy for his then he is way out of line, so definitely don't do that.

But of course the situation is worse than that because it is not a case of your children vs his children, they are ALL his children and he ought to care about them all equally. If he doesn't and this is a symptom of a wider issue, the yes I would leave him.

embarassednewname Wed 20-Nov-19 12:54:35

Whereas his children he signs all his presents "love daddy" and they have a few gifts from me. Not sure why

Because he's an arsehole, I can't believe you let that happen. You need to wake up to the fact that he's being a shit father, a shit partner and generally a selfish twat. In the nicest possible way, you're being a doormat and you need to stand up for yourself. No one else can do it for you.

ActualHornist Wed 20-Nov-19 12:55:17

* Meh.
DH bought nothing for YOUR child.
You bought nothing for HIS children.

Does HE think that's "fucking disgusting", & is he tempted to leave you over it?*

No, DH bought nothing for their child. He is her father too. But different.

I’m not sure what I would OP. It is such a bizarre situation, I can’t imagine being in it. I have a step son, also known since he was 3 (he’s 18 now) DH bought stuff for him solo until we moved in together then money was pooled. When we had our own children, the same.

DillyDilly Wed 20-Nov-19 12:59:38

I’m sure you’ve bought enough toys for your DD and if your DP bought more toys it would be excessive.

So have you asked him to contribute half of the amount you have spent?

If he refuses, them I’d certainly be reconsidering things.

Annasgirl Wed 20-Nov-19 13:02:48

@merryhouse I love you - my favourite post ever. How come people always focus on the wrong thing?

Yarboosucks Wed 20-Nov-19 13:10:12

How is he as a father to your (shared) child? Is he loving, does he cuddle her, does he play with her, does he fed and care for her?
If the answers to these questions are yes, then I think you are putting the cart before the horse.
If he is a crap and disinterested father, then the money situation that you describe is probably a sign of general disinterest. In which case splitting may be an option. Although in that scenario why you would be leaving your and your baby's home is beyond me.

BarrenFieldofFucks Wed 20-Nov-19 13:10:14

The OP clearly says that she does buy for his kids. In the very first post.

That is immaterial really however, as it is totally different to him not buying his own blood a gift.

Areyoufree Wed 20-Nov-19 13:15:39

I don't know. We bought very little for our daughter in the way of birthday / Christmas presents, until she was 3 or 4. She just wasn't aware of the concept, and family would give her plenty of things to open. Is it possible that your partner feels like that? It might not be a less-favoured child issue, and more a lack of seeing eye-to-eye on how many presents a child that age really needs.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet Wed 20-Nov-19 13:17:59

If you ignore the money (which clouds things a bit) and think of it terms of both effort and the messages it sends, it becomes clearer I think.
The father of all three children makes a huge effort for two of those children. He writes messages on their presents to make sure they know that the gifts are from him alone, and anything his partner gives is separate. He puts no effort into his third child's gifts and is dismissive about suggestions that he should.
Admittedly, the toddler will know no different for a while, but this is a terrible message for the older kids. Their father is making it clear that he and his current partner are not a family unit and their joint child is less important to him that the older ones.
I would feel very hurt and excluded by this and I might be taking extra care to ensure that I could manage well on my own if it should become necessary. None of this is exactly screaming "happily ever after" is it?

Havaina Wed 20-Nov-19 13:22:36

It sounds like he is relying on you and your family to treat DD so that he can treat his other DDs.

Does he give DD as much attention as his other other kids?

I think you should stop the £150 in to your dd’s account and start your own separate savings account for her.

Also tell your parents to stop buying for DSC until he starts treating his third child equal to his first two.

The reason for the above is there is a risk this dynamic will continue throughout their lives, although your dd is still young.

Thebookswereherfriends Wed 20-Nov-19 13:23:25

We also have separate finances.Why don’t you just ask for a contribution to what you spend? I buy the majority of things for our daughter because I like choosing things and I get it organised before Christmas Eve which is when my partner would be shopping! I just tell him what things I’ve bought and he says “how much shall I put in your account?”. If he’s not prepared to even contribute in that way, then I would be having serious discussions about equal treatment of his children.

WhatToDo999 Wed 20-Nov-19 13:24:21

@messolini9 but OP's child is also the father's child - if he is buying for his other two children, he should also buy for his third!

aSofaNearYou Wed 20-Nov-19 13:28:17

@messolini9 why is it ok for an actual parent to buy nothing for his youngest child, but not ok for a step parent (whose role in the children's lives could vary greatly but in a vast majority of cases will NOT be as central to or responsible for the child as an actual parent) to buy nothing for them?

I think we've got a representative of the "I don't give a fuck about second families" brigade here to throw out some double standards.

Whattodoabout Wed 20-Nov-19 13:29:13

£150 is extreme for an 18 month old. My DS will be 14 months old at Christmas and I’ve spent about £50 on him which is more than enough.

His other children are older and actually understand Christmas so I can understand him spending a lot more on them. My older three are getting way more spent on them than the baby because they’re older so want more expensive things. The baby has no idea what’s going on and will probably be more interested in the wrapping paper.

Yarboosucks Wed 20-Nov-19 13:29:17

There are so many variables here that it is impossible to draw any real conclusions.

Writing messages on gift tags to children who can actually read the tags is different to not writing on the tag to a child that cannot read yet.
The elaborate gifts and messages of love could be down to guilt or compensating for the fact that he has split from their mother and has started another family.
What I don't get is how you can live together, have a child together and still operate so separately.
TBH I think you are both being unreasonable and if you think that buying gifts and spending money is what is important then you are just plain wrong.

Worlds0kayestmum Wed 20-Nov-19 13:30:23

I'm on the fence with this, I guess it depends on dynamics and finances within your family. I've bought all my DDs (from a previous relationship) presents, all the presents for our DS and some for his eldest DS (from a previous relationship). I've also bought all my family's and his many nieces and nephews. He's buying a mountain bike for his eldest DS and nothing for our DS. However, I see it as from us both anyway, he contributes far more financially to the household and I see it as taking the strain from him to sort as much as the Christmas stuff as I can. I also know he would give me money towards it all if I asked him so its different in that respect

Yarboosucks Wed 20-Nov-19 13:31:49

All of OPs posts are about money and not any information about how he actually performs and behaves as a father.

steff13 Wed 20-Nov-19 13:37:26

When our kids were little, we spent less on them because gifts for younger kids are just less expensive. So in that respect, I don't think there's a problem with spending $400 each on the older kids and not on the baby; if he spent $400 on her, she'd have $550 worth of stuff. That's crazy for an 18-month-old!

We have three kids, the boys are older and our daughter is younger. When she was your daughters age, they were 13 and 11, so we did spend quite a bit more on them at Christmas, because she needed fewer things, the items for her age were less expensive, and she didn't really "get it" anyway.

However, I do think he should be contributing to her gifts. Since you keep separate finances, would you be happy for him to pay you back half of what you spent? So you'd each put in $75.

StCharlotte Wed 20-Nov-19 13:37:35

DH bought nothing for YOUR child.
You bought nothing for HIS children.

But OP's child is HIS child too.

Autumn2019 Wed 20-Nov-19 14:18:50

I would be very upset about that too OP. It's a difficult one- i am sure your DD would rather have her DF with her than presents, so this in itself does not warrant a LTB in my opinion (at least not yet). Some people just can't come up with gift ideas. Your DH probably buys expensive gifts for his other children because they ask for them. But with your DD being so young he probably can't think of what to get her. Tbh i don't know what to get my own DD (nearly 2) for her birthday either. Do you think you should maybe find a few toys that you would like to get your DD and suggest that you both go halves on these or that you get some and he gets others? He might be open to this as it takes away having to think about what to get a toddler and that's a start. Or suggest to him that you both need to go on a shopping trip together to get DD her pressies and thereby he will get more involved with buying her presents. My DH is not very good at buying presents either but when i suggest we get our DD whatever present/s he would gladly get them.

Havaina Wed 20-Nov-19 14:22:38

@messolini9

Meh.
DH bought nothing for YOUR child.
You bought nothing for HIS children.

Did you RTOP? She says she spend £80 of her own money on each of his children.

Autumn2019 Wed 20-Nov-19 14:24:47

I also agree with PP who say that all presents should have both your names on them (including the ones you give to his children, as well as the ones he gives)

satanstoenailsandwich Wed 20-Nov-19 14:30:13

Take the £80 you spend on each of his kids and add it to your DDs bank account, and mark all presents from both of you. If they're getting £400 of stuff from their dad then whatever from their mums side they don't need you buying separate presents for them too and it's a way of redirecting money to your DD.

CorBlimeyGovenor Wed 20-Nov-19 14:33:40

Treating children differently does mean that he favours one over the other. That's a ridiculous notion. A baby/toddler will still get loads of fun out of cheaper toys. Maybe when she's older, he will spend more on her then. You've already said that you buy things for her as and when, so she's not going short. It sounds to me like he's compensating and also, is having to buy his kids presents separately (he can't buy them jointly with his ex), but he is just assuming that the ones from you are from both of you. My husband has never bought our kids presents, as I do all of that on behalf of both of us. I would really focus on what she has (Inc her father around) rather than what she doesn't have? Why should everything be fair all the time. The world isn't fair and it just encourages people equating money with love.

EmmiJay Wed 20-Nov-19 14:37:03

Yes, what @Satan said. Use his logic back on him. He's spending that money on his kids then take your money and put it away for your DD. I couldn't get with stingy cheeky asswipery men like that.

BrendasUmbrella Wed 20-Nov-19 14:38:03

Ask him at what age his DD becomes a member of his family and worthy of being acknowledged on her birthday or Christmas.

hsegfiugseskufh Wed 20-Nov-19 14:39:59

treating children differently does mean that he favours one over the other. That's a ridiculous notion. A baby/toddler will still get loads of fun out of cheaper toys. Maybe when she's older, he will spend more on her then. You've already said that you buy things for her as and when, so she's not going short. It sounds to me like he's compensating and also, is having to buy his kids presents separately (he can't buy them jointly with his ex), but he is just assuming that the ones from you are from both of you. My husband has never bought our kids presents, as I do all of that on behalf of both of us. I would really focus on what she has (Inc her father around) rather than what she doesn't have? Why should everything be fair all the time. The world isn't fair and it just encourages people equating money with love

I think you've spectacularly missed the point.

I don't even think the amount of money is the issue here, its the not treating the kids the same, the joint child is massively missing out here.

The point is the OP buys all the toys, the OP buys all the things as and when. The DH does fuck all. This child has 2 parents and yet only one of them is actually looking out for this child.

There is NOTHING about this man that suggests he will start buying for his child in future. He clearly places much more importance on his first children.

The presence of her father means nothing if he doesn't bother with her, does it? He may as well be just a man who lives in her house by the sounds of it.

aSofaNearYou Wed 20-Nov-19 14:50:51

@CorBlimeyGoverner

He is not assuming their presents are joint, because he specifies that his gifts to his other children are solely from him and it is expected that she will buy for them separately. He does not view them as a gift giving unit in any other scenario, he is simply choosing not to buy anything for his youngest because other people have. A reasonable way of looking at it in and of itself, except that the same could be said of his older children but he is choosing to spend lavishly on them. He wants to spoil them and yet hasnt even bothered with a matchbox car for the youngest.

Why do so many people throw out the "it shouldn't be all about money" card whilst in the same breath saying "he could be compensating for not being there", as if suddenly becoming all about money in the latter case is perfectly fine and justifiable? No, it shouldn't all be about money (I would never spend this much on any of them) but in his attitude towards his older two he has made it clear to him it IS about spending lots of money, and yet he doesn't care about doing so for his youngest. That is telling of a wider issue in the way he views things.

If he had made it clear his attitude was purely about not feeling small children need lots and he would do the same if his older two were that age, then that would be fine, but he has done no such thing.

DixieTrix Wed 20-Nov-19 15:02:58

If you add the £800 he has spent on his older children onto the £80 each you spent on them that's £960 ! A truly phenomenal amount. So his older kids get nearly a grand lavished on them both, whilst his youngest child has not even been thought of. He's delegated that to you and your family OP
That's so hurtful

messolini9 Wed 20-Nov-19 15:16:49

I think we've got a representative of the "I don't give a fuck about second families" brigade here to throw out some double standards.

If we have, @aSofaNearYou, it's not me - I'm a stepmother.

messolini9 Wed 20-Nov-19 15:19:16

Did you RTOP? She says she spend £80 of her own money on each of his children.

So she does, @Havaina! Missed that.

OP - can you not just put it to DH that you both make sure the gift tags are written with love from both of you, & are presented as joint gifts?

aSofaNearYou Wed 20-Nov-19 15:21:07

@messolini9 so what's your logic in one being reasonable whilst the other isn't?

Elle7rose Wed 20-Nov-19 15:28:07

Have you said that that's not ok now that she is aware of toys? From now on they need to be treated equally so you spend £80 on each child and he spends the amount that he spends on each of them too OR you both just put in £150 and spend £100 on each of the three kids.

messolini9 Wed 20-Nov-19 15:51:25

Actually @aSofaNearYou, I think they are both being unreasonable. Not least in the amount spent!

I don't understand the 100% separate finances, the separate gift-giving, & can't see why they can't simply agree to sign off & present all the childrens' gifts as being from both of them.

aSofaNearYou Wed 20-Nov-19 16:12:53

@messolini9 well yes I agree the separate finances are a bad idea, but given that that is how he chooses to do things he should surely expect and want to buy for his youngest as well? I can see from your other comment that you didn't realise OP also buys for his eldest, though, so I can see where your initial comment came from.

messolini9 Wed 20-Nov-19 16:13:45

Cheers @aSofaNearYou smile

Dontdisturbmenow Wed 20-Nov-19 16:43:37

Ask him at what age his DD becomes a member of his family and worthy of being acknowledged on her birthday or Christmas
Yes, because his 18months old is going to feel so much less loved by their father because he doesn't spend £150 on them just like their mother does. Ridiculous!

This is exactly how kids end up spoilt brats, when their parents and/or other family members think they are have to prove to the other that they love the kids as much as they do with money.

Him not spending more money on a child because they already get all they could possibly want is not loving them less than the parent who already spend too much on them.

It's perfectly normal to spend more on an 9yo than on an 18 months old and OP has already spend loads. The poor guy seems to be competing both with his ex and now also with OP because he is being judged otherwise for not loving his kids enough.

Everyone is being unreasonable on this scenario. He should be agreeing on a budget with his ex and what they both get their kids and he should be doing the same with OP. That would result in happy kids, parents who don't moan about spending more than the other, and less funds wasted on stupid presents the kids will get bored off in months if not weeks.

OrangeZog Wed 20-Nov-19 16:51:08

I imagine he spends so much on his other children out of guilt. He also presumably spends more time with your daughter which is something you can’t put a price on and his other two children would probably much prefer.

How are things otherwise? Does your daughter get an equal emotional and physical parenting from him? It sounds like this might be the final straw after lots of other behaviours that demonstrate preferential behaviour and if so, I don’t think that is acceptable to your daughter. Surely it’s worth talking to him first of all so he realises what he is doing and how you feel about it (and how she will feel as she grows up if it continues)?

aSofaNearYou Wed 20-Nov-19 18:29:10

At the risk of cross threading, it is interesting to compare the amount of people here saying it's ok for him to overcompensate by only buying for his older children and leave out his own youngest with the amount of people on the thread about a grandad not buying for his son's step child along with his biological grandchildren saying that's unacceptable.

hsegfiugseskufh Wed 20-Nov-19 18:32:41

It's perfectly normal to spend more on an 9yo than on an 18 months old and OP has already spend loads. The poor guy seems to be competing both with his ex and now also with OP because he is being judged otherwise for not loving his kids enough
It is normal to spend more on a 9yo than a baby. But not normal for it to be £400 more than nothing.

The point is hes bought 2 kids presents and not bought the 3rd anything. It wouldn't matter if he'd spent a quid each on the first 2 it still wouldn't be fair to leave the 3rd out.

He may well be competing with his ex but he certainly isnt competing with op. He doesn't care what his daughter gets or doesnt get as long as op sorts and pays for it.

He is essentially a lone parent to his first kids so has to buy for them or he looks bad. He is in a couple with op so can leave op to it and the baby still gets presents with 0 effort from him. I bet he doesnt let on that he had nothing to do with it to anyone else though!

Quite happy for op to buy for his children though isnt he.

Dillydallyingthrough Wed 20-Nov-19 18:50:14

@merryhouse THANK GOD FOR YOUR POST! It annoys the fuck out of me when posters don't answer the actual question.

OP what's he like with spending time with DD and general expenses? I think the easy answer is to say that his DC don't need presents from him as they will get them from family and see what he says. I think as you have completely separate finances then he should definitely be contributing to DDs present (and should have done on the other occasions by adding to her savings). I would be angry about this in your position as he is not treating the DC equally.

bahhumbug5 Wed 20-Nov-19 20:42:57

Sorry everyone didn't mean to post and run!

He's an "ok" father to her. We have the kids 4 days a weeks, Tuesday night, Wednesday night Thursday night, Sunday night, so not a great deal he could be overcompensating for. DD doesn't get a look in when they are over, unless the children want to play with her. When they are at their mothers he has a cuddle just before she goes to sleep but I do dinner time, bath, bed etc.

No real contribution to everyday things for her, just halves of food shopping, bills, etc.

We went on holiday last year he pays for his 3, I pay for myself and DD. He very much sees us as separate I think.

We could put our finances together but I personally don't really like the idea right now considering we aren't married.

I agree the amount spent is irrelevant at her age, but it's the fact he isn't recognising her as his own child and doesn't believe he needs to contribute, not just money, but ideas and time!

aSofaNearYou Wed 20-Nov-19 21:28:51

He doesn't seem like an ok father at all OP.

Pinkblueberry Wed 20-Nov-19 21:41:01

He's an "ok" father to her.

I don’t think being an ‘ok’ parent is a thing to be honest. It’s one of the few things in life that I think is very clearly black and white, there is no grey. You put the effort in or you don’t - meaning if you do you’re good, if you don’t you’re shit. To me it’s that simple and there is no inbetween.

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