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Wedding date clash- advice for the brides?

(175 Posts)
amoobaa Tue 19-Nov-19 11:06:14

Is cousin C being unreasonable?

A group of 24 very close cousins based in the UK, two currently living abroad.

Cousin A announces their engagement in 2018 (followed a few months later by the news that cousin B is also engaged).

Cousin A decides to get married in September 2019.

Cousin B sets the date for their wedding but waits until after cousin A’s wedding has passed before sending out the information.

Cousin A’s wedding takes place- lots of excitement. A few weeks later, info goes out about cousin B’s wedding- more excitement. Date is set for the following year (mid September 2020).

So here we are, in November 2019. Cousin C announces their engagement. There’s lots of excitement.

Cousin C messages cousin B and asks if cousin B is free the weekend before their wedding in September 2020.

Cousin B says that they are booked up in the 2 or 3 weeks leading up to their wedding due to wedding prep and putting up family who are travelling from Australia to be at the wedding. The Australian relatives are from ‘the other side’ of cousin B’s family (they don’t know cousin C and wouldn’t be attending both weddings).

Cousin C is asking about the weekend before cousin B’s wedding, because this is when cousin C would like to get married.

Cousin B expressed surprise and said they would be sad if cousin C decided to have their wedding the weekend before theirs. Cousin B says they were careful when making their own plans, not to tread on cousin A’s toes. They asked why cousin C wants a date so close to theirs.

Cousin C is planning on getting married abroad (France) because this is where they have been living with their partner for the last few years.

Cousin B says they have planned their wedding to be budget friendly and stress free for guests to attend so would be frustrated if cousin C then invited the same 40 relatives to a wedding abroad the weekend before. They say it’s unnecessary to squeeze two big family weddings so close together. Cousin B says it seems unkind to pick the same time to get married.

Cousin C reflects and says they were not thinking properly and apologise. Cousin C says they won’t choose that date.

The next day cousin C suggests setting their wedding date for July or August 2020 instead.

Cousin C isn’t keen but feels there’s little they can do and says they want to focus on their own planning. Cousin B’s partner feels the same way- disappointed but determined not to cause a fuss.

Cousin C is unaware of any reason why choosing to get married in July/ August would be problematic and is not aware of any social norms or etiquette regarding this. They don’t know why they should leave more than a few weeks between the two weddings and can’t see why they should wait for cousin B’s wedding to pass before having their own.

As cousin D points out, the two events are unrelated.

Cousin C is really excited about getting engaged and wants to set their wedding date asap.

Cousin C sends messages to cousin B, explaining they are feeling very upset and would like a bit of reassurance from cousin B that getting married in July/ August 2020 is ok.

Nobody can own or reserve an entire year. A few weeks between each wedding shouldn’t be too much of a problem for mutual relatives should it?

Cousin C doesn’t want to wait to get married. Why should they wait?

Cousin B won’t stand in cousin C’s way but seems reluctant to offer the reassurance and validation cousin C wants.

Is cousin C being unreasonable?

Comefromaway Tue 19-Nov-19 11:10:06

Cousin C was being unreasonable when the wedding was going to be the weekend before Cousin B but is not being unreasonable to have their wedding in July or August.

Just because Cousin B is having a 2 year? engagmente doesn;t mean everyone else should.

AtillatheHun Tue 19-Nov-19 11:10:29

you lost me at 24 close cousins.
B needs to get her invitations out and C needs to be prepared for refusals on the basis that people are committed to B's and they cant' take holiday for a destination wedding immediately before. Invite more friends / fewer cousins.

Diy2019 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:14:59

I think the week before cousin b's wedding would have been unreasonable, but the July is fine.
It's then up to the guests if they wish to attend the wedding or if they can afford it.
If there are 24 cousins and you think that only one can marry each year, that would mean it would be 24 years before all the weddings are over!
My dp's brother got married in July, another of his brothers in October, 2 brothers are getting married in 2020 and his sister in 2021.

PooWillyBumBum Tue 19-Nov-19 11:15:56

Both cousins need to chill out and let friends and family decide which weddings they are able to attend.

EstebanTheMagnificent Tue 19-Nov-19 11:19:15

Hello Cousin C.

You can get married when you like. Your cousin doesn’t have to like it, however, and you need to get over your expectation of her blessing.

lau888 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:19:26

Cousins B and C are both effectively having destination weddings if most of the family guests would have to travel overseas. They should both go ahead with their plans and accept that some relatives wouldn't have been able to attend one or both weddings anyway.

CravingCheese Tue 19-Nov-19 11:29:26

July is perfectly fine imo.
I'd shoot for at least a month but preferably a bit more between the two weddings. (July is therefore preferable to August.)

There's imo absolutely no reason to wait until coursing B's wedding has passed to get married themselves....

CravingCheese Tue 19-Nov-19 11:30:11

*cousin

Not coursing.

mrsm43s Tue 19-Nov-19 11:30:11

Cousin B should get married when Cousin B wants to get married, and Cousin C should get married when Cousin C wants to get married. Cousin B should not be attempting to dictate when Cousin C is allowed to get married. Obviously one week before Cousin B's wedding wasn't a great idea as it will cause logistical issues, but beyond that, its really up to each bride and their fiance to pick whichever date they wish.

user1493413286 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:33:11

I think the wedding the week before was unreasonable but a few weeks before is fine. I think the person with the September wedding was probably hoping theirs would be the only wedding that year and is worried it’d be compared to their wedding but knows that they’re being unreasonable in saying that.
Just have the wedding a few weeks before and the September bride will get over it.

Besidesthepoint Tue 19-Nov-19 11:33:49

It's a wedding DAY and not a wedding year. It would have been a bit unreasonable to plan it in the same month, that is asking too much time and cost from the guests but anything with more than a month difference is fine. You can't expect people to wait years to get married, that's ridiculous.

GrumpyHoonMain Tue 19-Nov-19 11:37:33

Be thankful you’re not an Indian Hindu. We often only have set dates in which we can marry - I am due to go to 5 cousins’ weddings on the same weekend next year and DH has also been invited to another 10 for the same weekend abroad. The ones on his side are in the same city so he’ll go abroad and attend all of them, and I’ll take pick the 2 weddings my DP want to go to. My Siblings will represent the family at the rest of the weddings!

antisupermum Tue 19-Nov-19 11:39:51

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think Cousin C is BU. You know your cousin has been putting a lot of effort into planning her big day, and was willing to wait longer to ensure it be "perfect" for her. And now you're steamrolling in and trying to get in there first, effectively. Otherwise, why would you not have planned your wedding for October or November? - because you want yours first! I might have considered it being seasonal-related except for the fact that you originally wanted September - one WEEK before your cousins' - which was ludicrous and I am certain implies it has more to do with "beating" her date than anything else.

You must know that you will be eating into peoples budgets and generosity just a month (possibly two) before Cousin Bs big day. If I was her I would be mightily pissed off and it wouldn't be a soon forgotten grievance.

You don't want to wait and it certainly sounds like you're not going to. But don't expect everyone to be happy about it.

onthecoins Tue 19-Nov-19 11:42:30

I think July is fine. August is a bit too close, the weekend before B's wedding was a stupid suggestion, if they are as close as you suggest.

I can see it from both sides. C wants to get marrried asap and was a bit thoughtless suggesting September for theirs.

B feels a bit like C is pissing on their bonfire by getting married before them, kind of understandable but not much you can do about it really.

If I was B i'd be annoyed if C sent out the invites first and then people declined B's wedding in favour of C's, considering B had been planning it first and for so long.

If I was C tbh I would push the wedding back to after B's wedding, if they were someone very close an important to me.

NoParticularPattern Tue 19-Nov-19 11:42:45

Would be unreasonable to go for the weekend before but C has accepted that and altered her plans to several weeks before. You don’t get dibs on a whole year I’m afraid, B! You’re pretty lucky C was willing to reconsider the weekend before actually, it’s not like she’s booked the exact same day is it? C needs to get over the fact that clearly any answer she gives but “oh yes B, we shall avoid 2020 altogether” is clearly not going to appease her. Do what you like people, it’s your wedding not theirs and unless you’re sisters (rather than cousins) marrying brothers then it’s unlikely to affect an identical list of guests is it?

JosephineDeBeauharnais Tue 19-Nov-19 11:43:24

My cousins (two sisters) got married two weeks apart. It was extremely weird. Younger cousin had the long planned wedding, set the date etc. Older cousin announced her wedding only six weeks beforehand, and to a man nobody knew (including her parents). Older cousin took the first date.

I can only assume it was done out of pure spite or jealousy, only up to that point they had seemed close and loving, with no visible sibling rivalries. I've never understood why my uncle and aunt didn't make older cousin wait. It was bonkers.

In your situation OP, Cousin C was wrong to set a date so close to B's date, but July / August is fine. B is being precious.

Damntheman Tue 19-Nov-19 11:44:12

Ooh tricky.. The weekend before is too close, I agree. That said, more than a couple of weeks between and you're heading into awkward territory for travelling guests. I ended up missing the wedding of a childhood friend last year because it was four weeks after the wedding of my childhood best friend and I couldn't countenance a four week holiday in the UK, or travelling twice so close together. If they'd been 2 weeks apart I could have done both!

So I'd say july is fine. Cousin C needs to get over needing approval. Cousin B needs to stop being miffed that Cousin C is essentially pipping her to the post. It's not a race, nobody cares. I hope you both have wonderful weddings!

MeredithGrey1 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:45:26

I think July is fine, weekend before was totally unreasonable. With 24 cousins I think it's quite likely to have a couple of weddings relatively close together at some point, even if there is a wide spread of ages.

Celebelly Tue 19-Nov-19 11:46:10

I never understand all the pish that seems to come with weddings. Cousin B needs to stop being so bloody precious. Their wedding is not the event of the century. Cousin C is perfectly entitled to get married before them regardless of when they got engaged. I don't get the reasoning that they should hold off because Cousin B has decided to make a big thing of it. We are getting married in December but we decided to do so at the start of October and it's all arranged now –not everyone wants to be engaged for ages or take months and months to plan a wedding.

Shoxfordian Tue 19-Nov-19 11:48:02

What do cousins E to X think?

TeenPlusTwenties Tue 19-Nov-19 11:48:46

The week before would have been very unreasonable. July or early August is fine. I think there needs to be 4 weeks gap but otherwise OK.

BlackSwanGreen Tue 19-Nov-19 11:50:11

It's fine for Cousin C to get married in July / Aug, but I think maybe Cousin B is still feeling upset by the initial suggestion (one week before their wedding) which was really insensitive. Maybe they're struggling to get past that?

HildaSnibbs Tue 19-Nov-19 11:54:41

July is fine, it's 2 months apart which is plenty. If B gets in a huff about that, then B IBU. There's no etiquette or rule that says if you get engaged after someone, you can't get married before them! That would be bizarre.

Derbee Tue 19-Nov-19 11:54:44

Cousin C sounds like an arse. Who suggests a wedding the weekend before an existing big family wedding? Selfish.

Cousin B doesn’t own a year. Yes it’s annoying, but cousin C can get married in July or August. But it’s selfish and needy to be pressuring cousin B to give their blessing. Because if cousin C isn’t waiting until after Bs wedding, they need to own it and be comfortable being selfish. Not need constant reassurance from cousin B

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