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Is DH doing too much/ am I a lazy mother?

(122 Posts)
MindMyOwnB Tue 19-Nov-19 10:38:46

This question is triggered by what other mothers have commented in passing, not DH, although it's made me worry I'm not coping and not doing enough.

DD is 10 months old. I found the transition hard when she was born. She was a colicky baby, terrible sleeper and it was very intense. I do absolutely adore being her mum, just life is understandably very different to before.

DH is self employed and works sporadic hours, sometimes at home and sometimes in an office so there will be weeks when he is around most of the time and works evenings or weekends.

DD still isn't a brilliant sleeper, can wake up anywhere between one and four times a night. The arrangement we have is that I do the night wakings and he gets up with her in the mornings - this can be anytime from 5am although usually 6am. I then stay in bed and get up between 8.30am and 9am. Sometimes I won't have slept much at all in the night, other times I have had an ok nights sleep but still take advantage of the lie in.

Once I'm up I'm with DD all day unless DH takes her to soft play or something like that which is probably once or twice a week to give me a couple of hours' break. About 50% of the time DH is around as well helping so it's not like I'm doing everything alone- he will help with bedtime whilst I cook etc.

A couple of comments from mothers in my NCT group have made me a bit worried about if I'm doing enough, about how their DH is out of the house all day at work etc and how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC. About how they've got up every single morning with their DC and their DHs do nothing.

I know if it works for us it shouldn't matter, but it does matter to me because it plays into my insecurities that I couldn't cope properly, and most women do way more than me. I also feel guilty for going to back to bed when I could get up. AIBU?

Wiaa Tue 19-Nov-19 16:43:57

I think they doth protest too much. Sounds a bit like jealousy to me! My husband got up with our 6mth old just before 6 this morning as he knew I was knackered when I went to bed last night even though I didn't get up in the night and I'm on maternity leave and he works full time. This is the way it should be

Lalapurple Tue 19-Nov-19 16:08:46

You sound normal. Your NCT friends are the strange ones if they never want a break. I think it is healthy to want a break from your baby however much you love them.

What matters is whether you and your DH are happy and it works for you!

My DH is home a lot more than other mums I meet - I tend to stay a bit quiet about it.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Tue 19-Nov-19 15:56:04

You are definitely not lazy and are doing fine. I would say though that a 5am waking is still ‘the night’ and I think you should get up for that one if DH is then up for the day. You could get up till 6am then go back to bed till 8.30. Or alternatively let him have a lie in once or twice a week. Every day up at 5 or 6 is a bit draining. Other than that it sounds great.

100cupsoftea Tue 19-Nov-19 15:54:25

Sounds quite balanced to me 😕 I can't stand it when I hear "DH doesn't get up in the night because he has to work." Mate, you had a baby. Get up. You're doing the night shift & he takes the early starts - I think that's entirely fair. If you've struggled (our DDs could be the same child) then why wouldn't he share the load during the week? My DH works full time (I work part time) so he isn't much help weekday daytime's but takes on a lot at the weekend & often does bedtime x

Merryoldgoat Tue 19-Nov-19 15:53:45

My DH is out all day but from day one has been completely equal as a parent with nighttime wakings, outings on the weekend etc, taking time off to look after sick kids.

We have different strengths and we divide the labour appropriately.

My sons have a fantastic relationship with their dad and the closeness is obvious.

You're doing fine.

And this nonsense:

how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC. About how they've got up every single morning with their DC and their DHs do nothing.

Pure jealousy. Who the fuck would actually refuse a decent partner getting up and saying 'you have a rest love, I'll do the kids this morning'? Utter Bollocks.

ohweedoggie Tue 19-Nov-19 15:49:52

Aw I would've loved your set up. Bet you're still tired though. Those poor souls have to tell themselves that to keep them from stabbing their partner in their sleep.

DonkeyHotty Tue 19-Nov-19 15:45:05

Sounds like a great balance op, don’t let a bunch of mummy martyrs get you down.

Abouttimemum Tue 19-Nov-19 15:40:53

Your husband is what men should be like. It’s 50% his child too. Mine does mornings (bottle then breakfast) before work, and he does tea, bath and bedtime when he gets home, and he cooks tea for us too. We have a lie in each at a weekend. Our boy sleeps well but wakes at 6.30am. Generally do stuff as a family at the weekend and make sure each of us sees our friends.
It’s a partnership. Be glad of it.
Don’t be jealous of mums doing everything themselves. It’s not the way it should be.

Coyoacan Tue 19-Nov-19 15:35:12

It sounds like they enjoy playing martyr

Total madness. Anyone with a titter of wit knows that your baby is getting quality care because her parents are not running on empty while looking after her.

Fortunately I've never have had to deal with eejits like that.

ittakes2 Tue 19-Nov-19 15:35:12

Your hubby helps you more than any hubbies I know - doesn't make you lazy makes you lucky.

Caterina99 Tue 19-Nov-19 15:34:38

My DH does that. He doesn’t usually need to leave for work til 8.30 so I’d do all the night feeds and he’d get up and deal with the kids til 8am and I’d stay in bed. Definitely helped my sanity. Once they were sleeping better we alternated our lie ins during the week.

In fact my 2 year old slept like crap last night and DH had an early meeting so no lie in for me today. I feel terrible on my disturbed nights sleep and I can’t imagine doing this every single day if I have the choice not to

BlackeyedSusan Tue 19-Nov-19 15:34:01

Sod 'em.

You are both doing fine.

WorldEndingFire Tue 19-Nov-19 15:29:49

Hate how this notion of men "helping" with children and housework persists. If it's your house or your child it's part of your duty to participate, not a task to opt-in to occasionally out of the goodness of your heart!

WorldEndingFire Tue 19-Nov-19 15:27:54

Sounds like your husband takes his fair share of the parenting; shouldn't be unusual but still is! Sounds like you're both doing a great job at being kind to one another and receptive to each others' needs. Cornerstone of a successful marriage!

MzHz Tue 19-Nov-19 15:26:42

wouldn't ever want a break from their DC. About how they've got up every single morning with their DC and their DHs do nothing.

Ahh the MummyMartyr...
Ignore them- they’re twats

Find better set of friends

Elbeagle Tue 19-Nov-19 15:08:29

You lost me at NCT friends.
You've had baby now, and these groups stink, honestly.*
I think it must be a mc thing as I've known nobody get involved with the stepford wives

Luckily that wasn’t my experience of NCT. I met a great group of people, none of whom would ever have said they didn’t want a break from their kids!
I’ve moved away now but we still meet up 6 years later.

NemophilistRebel Tue 19-Nov-19 15:06:54

Be proud you’ve got a wonderful non lazy husband.
Best thing in the world

Tensixtysix Tue 19-Nov-19 15:06:05

Ignore them. They are just jealous!

Youvegotafriendinme Tue 19-Nov-19 15:05:01

I don’t think you sound lazy at all. I’ll guarantee the people that said that are just jealous that your DH helps you and theirs doesn’t and this is coming from someone who’s DH has never helped! If Your arrangement works for both of you then why change it.

embarassednewname Tue 19-Nov-19 15:04:22

I think it's probably a self-preservation technique, in a way. If you know deep down that your husband isn't going to get his finger out and parent his own child, it is probably better for your short-term mental health to persuade yourself you love things this way and couldn't imagine not being with your baby 24/7.

This 100%. Don't play into this martyrdom shite. He's 50% responsible for his child which he helped create. Don't try to make him do less or anythibg. You would resent in 5 years' time.

Aquilla Tue 19-Nov-19 14:56:28

We had a similar set up except dh worked outside the home. He would stay up until 12-1 am and do the last feeds and I'd do all night feeds and most mornings. The other mums are probably a little jealous!

ladycarlotta Tue 19-Nov-19 14:49:07

*You lost me at NCT friends.
You've had baby now, and these groups stink, honestly.
I think it must be a mc thing as I've known nobody get involved with the stepford wives*

but this is unfair. I've had great experiences with NCT and my cohort were definitely not Stepford at all! Granted my area is generally a bit alternative, but NCT is just one option for making friends and finding support. I'm sure different groups have different dynamics, and I'm sure some don't gel at all, but it is so variable. I found the way the sesions were run to be VERY Stepford sometimes, but I don't think any of us were really there for that?
(well, maybe one couple...)

BlingLoving Tue 19-Nov-19 14:48:34

You are my hero. What you are doing is the advice I give eery woman when they have a baby - if he has to work and therefore really does need that chunk of sleep, fine, but that doesn't mean he gets to enjoy a perfect 9 h ours every night while you're barely surviving on 3. I always tell women that if they're' up all night, their husbands absolutely should be doing the early morning stint (going to bed a bit earlier if necessary) so that at least you get a few solid hours.

DS was also a terrible sleeper. I used to go to bed around 9. He'd stay up and feed ds at around 11:00 then go to bed. I'd do the rest of the night (unless things got totally out of hand) and usually I'd manage to get DS back down around 4 am. But he'd be niggling by 5/5:30 at which point DH would get up. Sometimes they'd then both be up until Dh went to work, sometimes he'd get DS down and he'd be able to shower/breakfast in peace. And then I'd take over when he left at about 8 am. Without those guaranteed 3 hours consecutive sleep every night I would probably have died. And my mild PND would undoubtedly have been significantly worse.

Obligatorync Tue 19-Nov-19 14:47:12

Sounds very like our set up when our children were small. It sounds perfectly fair. Now they're all at school we both work full time but we share all the other work. It's good.

Interestedwoman Tue 19-Nov-19 14:26:22

'how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC'

IDK who would say this, maybe they feel they should say that, but IMO, most people need a bit of a break sometimes.

'I also feel guilty for going to back to bed when I could get up.'

Sleep is good for you, and there's no point making your life more grueling or miserable if you can avoid it.

It sounds like you still do plenty, and don't unduly skive off anything.

It's good that you feel a need to care for your health and well being- this can only be a help to your family. xxx

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