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Is DH doing too much/ am I a lazy mother?

(122 Posts)
MindMyOwnB Tue 19-Nov-19 10:38:46

This question is triggered by what other mothers have commented in passing, not DH, although it's made me worry I'm not coping and not doing enough.

DD is 10 months old. I found the transition hard when she was born. She was a colicky baby, terrible sleeper and it was very intense. I do absolutely adore being her mum, just life is understandably very different to before.

DH is self employed and works sporadic hours, sometimes at home and sometimes in an office so there will be weeks when he is around most of the time and works evenings or weekends.

DD still isn't a brilliant sleeper, can wake up anywhere between one and four times a night. The arrangement we have is that I do the night wakings and he gets up with her in the mornings - this can be anytime from 5am although usually 6am. I then stay in bed and get up between 8.30am and 9am. Sometimes I won't have slept much at all in the night, other times I have had an ok nights sleep but still take advantage of the lie in.

Once I'm up I'm with DD all day unless DH takes her to soft play or something like that which is probably once or twice a week to give me a couple of hours' break. About 50% of the time DH is around as well helping so it's not like I'm doing everything alone- he will help with bedtime whilst I cook etc.

A couple of comments from mothers in my NCT group have made me a bit worried about if I'm doing enough, about how their DH is out of the house all day at work etc and how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC. About how they've got up every single morning with their DC and their DHs do nothing.

I know if it works for us it shouldn't matter, but it does matter to me because it plays into my insecurities that I couldn't cope properly, and most women do way more than me. I also feel guilty for going to back to bed when I could get up. AIBU?

tillytrotter1 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:21:23

and how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC.

They must have terrible headaches from those haloes!
They're doing their children no favours being so ostentatiously clingy, there'll come a time when they have to let go or will they stalk them through university?
It's no wonder that 'seperation anxiety' is now a thing, poor chiildren.

TheOrigFV45 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:26:50

about how their DH is out of the house all day at work etc and how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC. About how they've got up every single morning with their DC and their DHs do nothing.

I can't even be bothered to think up a good response to this.
Maybe "fuck off"?

Orangecake123 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:31:13

Your not lazy. If it works for the both of you that's all that matters.

GrumpyHoonMain Tue 19-Nov-19 11:32:46

Ignore the competitive parenting. You need to do whatever is right for your family. If your DH is home based then it’s only right he should be more involved than another father who might be employed / long commute / desperately trying to keep things financially afloat while their wives take maternity.

Celebelly Tue 19-Nov-19 11:33:40

Sounds exactly like us! DP takes DD every morning before work and keeps her from 6 or 7am depending on when she gets to up any time between 8.30-10 depending on what his work schedule is like. If it's been a bad night, he sometimes rearranges stuff so he can start at 10 (and as he does a lot of work from home, that means he brings her back to me at 9.59). At weekends he takes her until I get up, which can be 10 or 11am some days if I have sleep to catch up on. He also does more than 50% of the housework, but I do more cooking, so it kind of balances out I suppose.

I suspect the comments you are getting are from people who are jealous and don't want to admit their partners do bog all, tbh .

happytoday73 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:33:47

Sounds fine to me. People might be jealous their partners are less involved.

I'm not really into babies but my husband is so probably did more than many dad's. Now they are at primary I take far more of the mental load and spend more time with them than my husband does.

As long as you are working as a team and not major resentment on either side its whatever works!

Considermesometimes Tue 19-Nov-19 11:34:42

Totally jealous of all the help you are getting. It is impossible to be lazy with a ten month old baby!!

OrangeZog Tue 19-Nov-19 11:34:58

YANBU. I’m pretty sure it’s in everyone’s best interest for your baby and father to have their own quality one on one time or bonding time and it’s definitely always good for all of us to get some sleep.

Simkin Tue 19-Nov-19 11:35:44

Honestly if I could go back and have my (now 8&10) babies all over again - which I wouldn't tbh - I would just tell myself to give myself a break.

The chances are those NCT mums are not even thinking about your set up, they're just frantically justifying their own way of doing things and adjusting to having babies too.

You are doing well. You are OK. The baby is fine. You are all happy (as one can be in the first stages of having kids). It is a shock having children and feeling like you are back in the 'public' sphere after having been allowed some privacy on young adulthood but really most people are not judging and those who are can just fuck off.

I bet you're a lovely mum flowers

Bluntness100 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:35:53

We split fifty fifty as well. I honesrly don't know why women get involved in these nct groups to this extent. Always seems so bloody judgey.

Celebelly Tue 19-Nov-19 11:35:58

Also why do they see it as a badge of honour that their DH does nothing? I'd be bloody embarrassed and sad for my DC that their father wasn't involved. As it is, DD and DP have a lovely relationship and it means I can happily leave them together for whatever length of time needed, he can do bedtime, etc. Dads who don't get involved don't learn how to parent their own child and it's a crying shame. She's 50% his, damn right he should know how to look after her!

Frozenfan2019 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:36:19

My DH got up every morning with our first DS. What the hell is wrong with him taking his own child out twice a week?

Sometimes these mums groups can turn into a competition for who has it harder. Just remember he is the father he has as much right to spend time with his child as you. If these mums dont "let" their partners do anything they are doing a disservice to their child and partner and if it's the dads who won't help they are rubbish parents.

You sound like you have a great balance.

user1493413286 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:38:01

I would love how you and your DH work it; I think most people would and they probably say they wouldn’t to hide their unhappiness or insecurities about their own situation.
I’ve also not come across many mums who don’t admit to loving a break when someone else takes the baby out.

SquishySquirmy Tue 19-Nov-19 11:41:27

You don't sound lazy at all, it sounds like you do plenty but your dh is also involved.
What a lucky baby, to have two parents both investing time and effort into looking after her.

Your child and husband will have a closer bond than many other dads do with their babies, because he is pulling his weight. Having the occasional break and a rest in the mornings will make you a happier mum, which is also better for the baby.
Win-win all round!

Starlight39 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:42:05

Well, you're probably already doing far more than someone who has a baby who sleeps 7-7 plus a 3 hour nap anyway! I was a single mum with a non-sleeping baby but I'd never bedrudge someone else having some help. It's not a race to the bottom and the NCT mothers are being ridiculous and very rude to comment. It's lovely that your DD has a good bond with her Dad.

EL8888 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:42:06

Not at all. I think it’s great he is so involved and supporting you. Small children are tough and sleep deprivation is a form of torture after all

@Mishfit0819 yeah l get a whiff of martyr in the airs from the others of NCT. Not quite sure why women do this to themselves but anyway

CatteStreet Tue 19-Nov-19 11:42:43

I think some women who feel powerless to change their husbands' or partners' refusal to pull their weight redefine it into a badge of honour for themselves, aided by the profound social conditioning that suggests to women that their worth lies in running around after other people all the time. My dh is a very active parent (I won't say 'hands-on dad' because nobody ever used the phrase 'hands-on mum') and pulls his weight house-wise despite working conventional and quite long hours, and I get that nagging sense of not 'doing' enough even though I work and parent and do everything else that entails.

Cuppachino Tue 19-Nov-19 11:42:59

YANBU - take all the rest/time you get.

how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC. About how they've got up every single morning with their DC and their DHs do nothing

Yeah, they've convinced themselves that this is true...they're not ready to admit their husbands are useless.

CatteStreet Tue 19-Nov-19 11:43:58

(I should add that none of this sense of not 'doing' enough comes from dh. It's all internalised)

user1374384 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:44:30

They sound jealous. When DH was self employed our set up was very similar. He also did most of the school runs later if he wasn't on a job. There are many ups and downs to each life style though. Our income was very low until I started working evenings once I'd stopped having babies and nursing, and household income was very up and down and unreliable. It meant he could bond well with the littles, and be very involved but we couldn't afford to buy a house and have more stability until he took a more traditional full time job so we couldn't do it forever. I do think having both parents hands due to a shorter working day week and better pay is the lifestyle we should all be campaigning for, rathe than passing comments at others out of snobbiness or jealousy.

gingersausage Tue 19-Nov-19 11:44:50

Oh god the “they’re just jealous bitches” brigade are out in force as usual 🙄.

@MindMyOwnB I felt very much like you with my first baby. My husband was very much like yours sounds and I felt like you; that I wouldn’t be able to cope at all if he wasn’t around or I had to do some of the stuff he did. I had pretty severe PND though, so I’m wondering if you have/had/might have too?

TheTrollFairy Tue 19-Nov-19 11:45:07

Your DH isn’t doing too much. He is also your DDs parent.
I have friends who didn’t like to be away from their kids, it made the transition to school awful for the kids

blackteasplease Tue 19-Nov-19 11:49:00

No it sounds like it’s working well!

EL8888 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:49:01

@gingersausage but let’s be honest women are quite jealous creatures aren’t they? Men don’t seem as afflicted with the jealously and endless comparisons. I’m still trying to get my head around the friend who make it clear she was jealous of me lying in bed later than her, as l felt unwell from fertility drugs and was exhausted. Whereas she had to get up with her 2 children. Hmm ok 🤔

messolini9 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:50:03

A couple of comments from mothers in my NCT group have made me a bit worried about if I'm doing enough, about how their DH is out of the house all day at work etc and how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC. About how they've got up every single morning with their DC and their DHs do nothing.

OP, these "couple of comments" mothers are undermining you.
They are either parading their holier-than-thou mothering credentials ("wouldn't ever want a break from mt DC", my arse!), or are jealous of your co-parenting, or insecure about their own.

It's a refreshing change to read a post about a DH who is properly engaged as a parent. Keep enjoying it, & as for the NCT commenters - just Grey Rock any more sniping.

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