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Is DH doing too much/ am I a lazy mother?

(122 Posts)
MindMyOwnB Tue 19-Nov-19 10:38:46

This question is triggered by what other mothers have commented in passing, not DH, although it's made me worry I'm not coping and not doing enough.

DD is 10 months old. I found the transition hard when she was born. She was a colicky baby, terrible sleeper and it was very intense. I do absolutely adore being her mum, just life is understandably very different to before.

DH is self employed and works sporadic hours, sometimes at home and sometimes in an office so there will be weeks when he is around most of the time and works evenings or weekends.

DD still isn't a brilliant sleeper, can wake up anywhere between one and four times a night. The arrangement we have is that I do the night wakings and he gets up with her in the mornings - this can be anytime from 5am although usually 6am. I then stay in bed and get up between 8.30am and 9am. Sometimes I won't have slept much at all in the night, other times I have had an ok nights sleep but still take advantage of the lie in.

Once I'm up I'm with DD all day unless DH takes her to soft play or something like that which is probably once or twice a week to give me a couple of hours' break. About 50% of the time DH is around as well helping so it's not like I'm doing everything alone- he will help with bedtime whilst I cook etc.

A couple of comments from mothers in my NCT group have made me a bit worried about if I'm doing enough, about how their DH is out of the house all day at work etc and how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC. About how they've got up every single morning with their DC and their DHs do nothing.

I know if it works for us it shouldn't matter, but it does matter to me because it plays into my insecurities that I couldn't cope properly, and most women do way more than me. I also feel guilty for going to back to bed when I could get up. AIBU?

Disfordarkchocolate Tue 19-Nov-19 10:41:50

If you are both happy it is fine, what is wrong with a father being very involved with his baby?

In a few years time, I bet some of these Mums will be moaning that they have husbands who do nothing and how unfair it is.

daisypond Tue 19-Nov-19 10:42:39

You are doing just fine. My DH did loads too, and I was glad of it.

Elbeagle Tue 19-Nov-19 10:42:42

God no you’re not lazy. Sounds like you have a good balance. If your DH is around, why wouldn’t he do some of the childcare? I assume he enjoys spending time with his child too?
My DH works full time from home, but if he ever had a spare hour he takes the baby (also 10 months) while I have a break, or does the school run for the older two, or takes them all out for a hot chocolate or something. He also does the early morning get up probably 70% of the time. He enjoys spending time with his children, that’s why he had them!
If it works for you, it matters not what others think!

Boom45 Tue 19-Nov-19 10:43:11

I had 2 babies that just didn't sleep so when my DH was around I went to bed and he just got on with it. We're both parents, of course we share the load - just because other couples don't has no influence on our arrangements at all.

CosmoK Tue 19-Nov-19 10:43:35

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship.

If you're lazy then i am too! I bet they're just jealous that they have lazy husbands.

justsotiredallthetime Tue 19-Nov-19 10:43:34

Fuck what others think. If you're a happy unit then it works! Why is it questioned if the man takes an active role?! Sounds like a great dad and partner, and someone who actually WANTS to be a father through the good and bad. My other half is exactly the same as yours. I think we're with the good ones!

HugoSpritz Tue 19-Nov-19 10:44:23

It aounds very much like the set up we had. We are a partnership and DH still does the majority of cooking. It is about what works for you as a couple. Ignore other people's comments.

Tun55 Tue 19-Nov-19 10:44:50

What works for you works for you! I bet they all want as much support as you have from your DH. Also, the circumstances around his job that are working in your favour.
As long as you and DH are happy with the arrangement, it’s no ones business. Your “friends” get up every single morning because they have to get their kids to school, partners to work etc. I bet no one would want to do it to “not be lazy”.
With privileges, I usually never tell others about them. Jealous leads to all kinds of headaches!

KatharinaRosalie Tue 19-Nov-19 10:44:51

If the roles were reversed, would anybody say you are doing too much, if you did just as much as DH does at the moment? No, thought not.

ActualHornist Tue 19-Nov-19 10:45:04

So your baby’s father interacts with her when he is around?

Why would you feel this is a problem? It’s good he’s not working out of home. It’s good that he spends time alone with her when he is able.

Take with a pinch of salt the whole ‘I couldn’t bear to have time away from my baby’. She’s with her father not going down a mine.

PeopleWhoRun Tue 19-Nov-19 10:45:07

No you are not being unreasonable.

As you said, if it works for you that's all that matters.

I definitely think if you feel this way, you should talk to your husband. Ask him if he's fine, if he needs you to do more. You just need to make sure you're checking on each others feelings to make sure each other are happy and coping.

Seems a nice balance to me

AnotherEmma Tue 19-Nov-19 10:47:57

"A couple of comments from mothers in my NCT group have made me a bit worried about if I'm doing enough, about how their DH is out of the house all day at work etc and how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC. About how they've got up every single morning with their DC and their DHs do nothing."

Fuck them.

There is no right and wrong but if there was, you and your DH would be doing it right and they would be doing it wrong.

They sound jealous or competitive or both. I bet they wish their DH did half as much as yours so they are saying those stupid things about not wanting to be apart from their DC to make themselves feel better.

It's pathetic.

Oh and FWIW my DH is more like yours, we have always shared the night wakings and mornings, and he works from home and does loads of childcare and housework. I think everyone should share the load but clearly some people are stuck in the 1950s and didn't get the memo!

You don't have to be friends with these women just because you all had babies in the same month.

tigerbear Tue 19-Nov-19 10:49:25

Sounds like you have a great family life, don’t change things based on the comments of others!
Also, take into account that you had the toll of pregnancy and giving birth, and all the stress that puts on the body. People think women should just spring back and have normal’ energy levels afterwards, but you may need the extra time to sleep and recover. Yes, I know you’re 10 months into it, but in my case I found that energy levels were def low, after the high Adrenalin levels of the first 6 months wore off.

Minai Tue 19-Nov-19 10:52:00

If you are happy and dh is happy with how you are doing who cares what anyone else thinks. It sounds like you have a great arrangement and it doesn’t sound lazy at all. People making comments are probably jealous. Since having a baby I’ve met a lot of mums whose partners are absolutely useless dads who do next to nothing with their own child and it is just accepted that that’s the way it is and if a dad is actually involved with looking after their own child the mum should consider herself lucky. It’s depressing.

Cheeseandwin5 Tue 19-Nov-19 10:56:20

Your only mistake is to compare your relationship to others.
We all have different dynamics in play.
If it works for you both and the DC, than happy days.
You may see it as him working hard- he may see it as quality time with his child. You may see it as you not doing enough, he may see as you both working as a team to get things done.
You are all part of a whole now and things will ebb and flow.

lumity Tue 19-Nov-19 10:57:42

These women at your NCT sound odd, tbh. Ok, it’s true that some fathers can’t be around as much as yours is, but so what? It is what it is. Some women are single mums. Some women have full-time nannies. There are no prizes for who had it “hardest” confused. People just adapt to their personal circumstances.

mrsbyers Tue 19-Nov-19 10:59:10

Bunch of jealous judgemental bitches - ignore them

Thebookswereherfriends Tue 19-Nov-19 11:00:25

That’s very similar to what my partner did when dd was small and it was great because it meant I wasn’t completely on my knees with tiredness and my partner got valuable bonding time. He also did bath every night when he got home. I’m sure that because if this we never had that period where children only want mum to do everything. It is a very good balance and the other Mum’s are most probably jealous that your husband is so involved and that you get a bit of time to yourself. Ignore other people just do you.

OhWellThatsJustGreat Tue 19-Nov-19 11:02:39

I think as long as you're all happy and it works for you then the set up you've got is perfect! Ignore the jealous judge people

Mishfit0819 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:08:38

It sounds like they enjoy playing martyr. That will wear off in a few years and they'll be posting on here for advice on how to get their DH to help more etc.

If your family are happy then change nothing smile

Honeybee85 Tue 19-Nov-19 11:15:02

My DH is also very hands on and I notice people are surprised when I tell them. And others mums tell me I am so lucky and they wish their DH was like that.

I think people are just envious of you.

Louloulovesyou Tue 19-Nov-19 11:16:02

It sounds like you have a lovely, happy balance. Your baby will be benefiting from having two happy (rested) parents who both involved. You'll find as you progress through your parenting journey there will always be other parents who make digs, basically because of jealousy and insecurity, rise above it!

SarahAndQuack Tue 19-Nov-19 11:16:03

It sounds like a nice balance to me. TBH, I wouldn't have thought you were being unreasonable if you'd posted this scenario and asked if maybe your DH should be doing more at night, or more during the day, either. I'm not at all saying he should - you both seem perfectly happy with this - but just pointing out that it's actually not at all weird for him to be doing what he's doing, and certainly not saintly levels of self-denial or anything. Just ordinary 'nice'.

FWIW I found my NCT group eye-opening in this respect too. Nice people, whom I like, but I was really shocked how little some people's partners did. And then, they did tend to normalise it. I think it's probably a self-preservation technique, in a way. If you know deep down that your husband isn't going to get his finger out and parent his own child, it is probably better for your short-term mental health to persuade yourself you love things this way and couldn't imagine not being with your baby 24/7.

Havaina Tue 19-Nov-19 11:16:38

how they wouldn't ever want a break from their DC. About how they've got up every single morning with their DC and their DHs do nothing.

This sounds awful.

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