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DD got fuck all for her birthday from anyone

(58 Posts)
benetha Tue 19-Nov-19 00:34:17

She is saying she's not bothered but I can see she's hurt and so am I. We moved about a year ago (abusive relationship, needed to get away), it was quite sudden and she didn't tell anybody until we'd gone. Friends got upset and fell out with her over this, attempts have been made to rekindle contact but they don't seem bothered and it fizzled out. Couldn't get her into a school in the new area (she was Y11 at the time) at that point in the Year and so she wasn't socializing with anybody and I had to pay for her English and Maths GCSE.

She's now in college but she has only been allowed to do a Level 1 Btech due to only having 2 GCSE's, and most of the people in her class have learning disabilities, won't turn up half of the time or barely speak a word of English. DD hasn't been able to forge any friendships.

Her birthday was 2 days ago (am only making this post now as
I hoped something would come in the post a bit later but it didn't) and other than the stuff I got her (and the tenner bank transfer she got off her dad), she's got zilch. Fuck all. Not even a card. Didn't expect anything off friends but there's been nothing from my family or her dads family. Granted my parents are dead and my 2 sisters live 2 hours away and have a lot going on (grandchildren etc), but is it really hard to just write up a happy birthday message on Facebook? I did post something on my wall wishing my DD a happy birthday hoping to remind people and I know people read it but nobody sent her anything. It's Dsis's DIL's birthday next week and I was going to get her something but now I don't want to.

Nothing off her aunt and uncle on her dad's side either, she has a grandma alive through her dad but she has late stage dementia.

I know DD is upset because she said sarcastically to me before "I'll put a thank you message up for all of the good wishes.", and she was in bed all of her birthday checking her phone. In a way I want her to so everybody will see it.

I know this will be forgotten soon enough but I am so heartbroken for her. I know she's had a really hard time of it recently and I've booked 4 days in New York for us before Christmas with the last savings I had (her dream holiday) so at least she's got that to look forward to but I feel I've failed her.

Halleli Tue 19-Nov-19 00:39:47

I'm so sorry for everything the two of you have been through. I really hope you enjoy your New York trip.

One piece of advice for your dd that I have forced my daughters to do - you can turn off the setting on facebook that alerts other people to it being your birthday, and you can also set it so that you approve any post before it appears on your timeline.

Since I made my daughters do this, they no longer spend their entire birthday checking their phone to see how many birthday posts they've got. Because, it's not about birthday wishes, it's about how embarrassing it will be if hardly anyone posts, because 'everyone will see' and will think that they're not popular.

Anyone who cares will remember and text them. This whole 'posting on facebook walls' thing is just a performative act of popularity and its harmful.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 Tue 19-Nov-19 00:42:00

Hey lovely mama, she's got you and all you got her.
Trust me, I was the same as your daughter and although it sucked (still does at 35 when even my husband doesn't get me anything!), it'll make her realise how much you mean to her and how little she needs anyone else. You have 100% not failed her madam, so please don't feel that as I'm certain she doesn't!
Have the best time in NY X

littleorangecat22 Tue 19-Nov-19 00:45:32

Feel for her. She had to leave her whole life behind and from what it sounds, her education too. Her friends are perhaps too young to fully understand, not that it makes it better.

Hoolahlah66 Tue 19-Nov-19 00:46:40

Your poor daughter. It sounds like you are a very caring mother and I’m sure she sees that actually she is very lucky to have you. Enjoy your trip to NY!

Caxx Tue 19-Nov-19 00:49:38

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WagtailRobin Tue 19-Nov-19 00:50:46

You have not failed your daughter, it is those around her who have failed her, the extended family.

You acknowledged her birthday when no one else did, that isn't your failure, that's you being the best mum for your girl.

FoamingAtTheUterus Tue 19-Nov-19 00:52:51

There's always one Caxx and I suppose it may as well be you. hmm

BillHadersNewWife Tue 19-Nov-19 00:53:40

Happened to me when I was 16...but without any of the trauma added. I remember my Mum being upset for me...but I just dealt with it. Brushed it aside.

Focus on getting DD into a better educational situation. Is she going to be able to do a more challenging course after the Btech?

BillHadersNewWife Tue 19-Nov-19 00:54:55

Caxx HOW has the OP failed her DD?? Shes not responsible for the DD"s shit friends! She's not responsible for her abusive ex!???!!!

Disgusting comment.

OP you have got your DD out of a bad home life, got her into college, helped her get two GCSE's and now you're forging ahead.

Adayatatime Tue 19-Nov-19 01:01:53

@Caxx WTF?
I applaud the OP for moving her daughter away from the abusive relationship. This shows bravery and takes a lot of strength. This shows she's a wonderful mother and has in no way failed her daughter! Quite the opposite!

ViciousJackdaw Tue 19-Nov-19 01:02:52

Caxx Failed her educationally my arse! What are you saying? That OP should have stayed in an abusive relationship? You obviously haven't got the first clue about this and I hope to God you never have to find out.

VenusTiger Tue 19-Nov-19 01:06:36

Failed her? Oh OP, so far away from failing her. You’ve taken her away from danger, uprooted your life and moved with her and you’ve spent savings on an amazing trip that you’ll both make memories on and cherish forever. You have NOT failed her, you are amazing!

As for the relatives - they probably relied in the past on face to face reminder type conversations? Either way, she’ll be fine, it’s one day for you to remember when she came into your world, and a day for her to blow out some candles and look forward to the year ahead.
Try not to feel down about this. It’s you two versus the world now, and you’re doing a fine job.

ReadyPayerTwo Tue 19-Nov-19 01:07:30

You sound like a lovely caring mum and I hope your trip to New York makes up for this. Happy Birthday to your DD!

littleorangecat22 Tue 19-Nov-19 01:11:03

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

MutedUser Tue 19-Nov-19 01:21:36

You sound like a lovely mum . Is she over 18 now? I know in our family presents to kids stop at 18. Wouldn’t have hurt to send a happy birthday message to her though.

Shooturlocalmethdealer Tue 19-Nov-19 01:22:40

Threw a pizza party for my son who was 8 at the time. Noone came except for his cousin who was with us already. Only invited family as just had daughter. Still had a good time although I stopped throwing parties and had something small or took them to zoo etc from there on out.

Sparklfairy Tue 19-Nov-19 01:23:32

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

StillCoughingandLaughing Tue 19-Nov-19 01:25:56

I don’t think you’ve failed her. The situation she’s in now might not be ideal, but it’s better than you both suffering at the hands of an abuser.

Is there no way she can do GCSEs at college? It’s a long time ago now so things may have changed, but when I was doing my A Levels you could take certain GCSEs alongside your A Levels if you hadn’t got quite enough to make the minimum level.

For a Year 11 child, isn’t the LEA obliged to provide them with an option for full-time education?

PoodleJ Tue 19-Nov-19 02:30:32

I also think that it’s about managing expectations prior to the birthday. So make it special at home e.g. nice breakfast and choice of food for tea. Stick a candle in a shop bought bun or go all out and bake it doesn’t need to be expensive. Say it’s a bit sad that we had to move and you haven’t had time to make any good friends yet but these will come in time. In the meantime we can watch a film together and you get to choose as it’s your birthday.
Maybe send out reminders for relatives who are rubbish pointing out the situation of lack of friends. Maybe don’t use Facebook to gain approval for how popular you are.
You’ve done well to move out of a tricky situation and you’ve done your best given the situation.
Why not suggest a birthday weekend day this weekend for you to cook her favourite meal?

TheClaws Tue 19-Nov-19 02:35:32

One of the aspects of social media I dislike most is the approval aspect; self-worth being measured by ‘likes’ and posts like this. It doesn’t promote mental well-being, clearly, and you can turn that off in Facebook for birthdays. Back to presents, at DD’s age, it’s to teach her she should never expect gifts from others, particularly when they have their own issues to deal with. I realise it’s more acknowledgment she wanted, though - perhaps gentle reminders to your family beforehand would be a good idea.

Monty27 Tue 19-Nov-19 02:38:04

Ah OP that's pretty shit for you both.
It's a life lesson that I'm sure will forge a very stronger bond between you.
It'll be ok I hope. There's nothing more special than love.
Just hold her tight. flowers

BillHadersNewWife Tue 19-Nov-19 02:38:35

Is there no way she can do GCSEs at college? I thought this too OP.

BlouseAndSkirt Tue 19-Nov-19 02:47:39

Poor girl sad

Can you message all you relatives and say Dd has had a traumatic year and could do with the support and some acknowledgement?

I do think, though, that the most urgent thing is to help her build new networks of friends. Does she do any extra curricular activities?

It seems incredibly hard that she wasn’t allowed to repeat her GCSE year or else to progress to A levels on the reference of her old school if she has ability beyond the qualification she is now taking.

kristallen Tue 19-Nov-19 02:47:57

OP I'm sorry. I'm glad you have the NYC trip coming up, but it's still heartbreaking to hear all of what's happened, not just the birthday, which is a rotten cherry on the top of a whole lot of bad stuff.

For you though, you haven't failed her. Not at all. There were things outside your control and things in it. Every single thing in your control you have done. But you simply couldn't control the (shitty) actions of other people. You are both right to be upset, but not because you failed in any way.

Caxx her daughter has been failed but certainly not by her mother - she's the only person who hasn't failed her. The two of them have been failed by a society that doesn't properly support survivors of DV, in any of the forms it takes. She was fleeing an abusive house and should have been guaranteed an education anywhere in the country. But people think like you and blame the woman (mother) for what happened to them, even the things that happened as a result of the DV. They're the reason systems don't get changed to help people - nobody fleeing an abusive relationship should have to pay for their child to sit GCSEs. We live in a country with free schooling! And no mother should face the decision of trying to live a day longer with abuse (and keeping her child(ren) in that situation) so her child can attend school.

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