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It’s a mother in law at xmas one!

(54 Posts)
Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 20:49:08

So it will be mine and my partners first xmas as a couple ,his mum has always been abit annoying but nothing I can’t handle.

Christmas got mentioned a few months ago and she started saying “well WE usually do this on xmas eve and this on xmas day etc” .myself and partner agreed between ourselves that for the main part of the day we would like it to just be us , she didn’t like this and we have ended up inviting her and her partner over for dinner which I don’t mind too much. However Christmas morning I was looking forward to it being just us before they come over , last week she started saying to him “well what time will we visit so and so in the morning” so he said to her quite firmly “no I won’t be doing that this year etc but we will see you for dinner” she looked at him with pure rage and said we “will discuss this another time” , aibu to just want some bloody time alone on xmas day !!! Shouldn’t she realise he’s a grown man now and some traditions are going to change , any advice on how to cope with annoying MILs over xmas greatly appreciated ! Thanks

Wearywithteens Mon 18-Nov-19 23:14:49

In a similar situation, having been invited for Christmas dinner (which for most people also translates as ‘lunch’) - you might ask what the logistics are so you could open a few presents and get that out of the way before the meal - so it is probably her clumsy way of saying ‘what time are we turning up then?’ - men are so crap at managing this.

Why not chill out, think nicely of her, and let your boyfriend deal with it? If he cares about you, he’ll sort it and if he cares about her, he’ll set the boundaries carefully so he doesn’t hurt her feelings. Job done. You don’t need to wade in and cast her as the wicked witch so early in this relationship.

AutumnCrow Mon 18-Nov-19 23:14:51

So what does she want to do with your DP on Xmas morning? Am I right thinking she wants to take him out on visits? With you or without you?

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:18:09

@AutumnCrow she wants to take him on visits without me basically for a “few hours” then come back and hang around until dinner I think

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:19:58

@Wearywithteens yeah I’ll try and chill out and just see what happens , We have agreed a time to have dinner. I just get the impression it’s her way of the high way and I can’t be arsed with it thlgrin

AutumnCrow Mon 18-Nov-19 23:21:46

@Ohidontknow99 In that case - and I don't think a lot of posters noticed that bit in your OP - I'd say that offering up Xmas dinner is a more than adequate compromise.

I have an adult DS and I'd be really pleased with that.

lemonadeparade Mon 18-Nov-19 23:21:49

@isitxmasyet because some MILS are just poisonous, nasty pieces of work! The only thing my mil has taught me is how NOT to be with my children's partners when they grow up.

AutumnCrow Mon 18-Nov-19 23:23:59

Also this MiL has a partner she can trot round with, doing visiting.

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:24:18

@AutumnCrow thank you ! Thought I was going crazy

messolini9 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:28:01

she looked at him with pure rage and said we “will discuss this another time”

Well it's your man you need to work on then, not MiL.
So long as you & DP are on the same page, she can rage all she likes.

FFS you have already compromised by splitting your "first xmas day together" with her. Don't give another inch, or you'll get saddled with the full family day for evermore.

messolini9 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:30:12

One day you might be the mother who wants to see her adult son on Christmas day....

The mother IS seeing her adult son on xmas day.
OP is disputing or challenging that.

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:30:32

@messolini9 haha I agree , I hope he doesn’t bow down to her as I feel like I would lose respect for him because this is actually his choice not mine

youcancallmequeenE Mon 18-Nov-19 23:33:31

One of the main things that stuck out to me @Ohidontknow99 is that this is a new relationship for you and your partner. Of course he's likely to have spent it with his family prior to meeting you and therefore I think it's entirely reasonable that his mum May take a little getting used to any new ideas that come her way re the Xmas season.

I know people love to think that their ILs are the most horrible and controlling people on the planet who don't want their children to have relationships etc etc. God knows I've moaned about my own enough 😂. But really. Relax a little.

Good on you for inviting her over for Xmas day. That's a nice thing to do but I think you also need to Accept that she doesn't have to be happy about the day changing to how's she's used to and that relationships are built on compromise. And sometimes the extent of that compromise takes a few years to get into the swing of things!

Wearywithteens Mon 18-Nov-19 23:34:53

It would be the visits without you I’d be more bothered about - she’s proposing that your boyfriend leave you on your own on Christmas Day? That would be the red line for me and the boyf. Again - this is NOT about you and his mother. She is not your problem to deal with. He should manage it. You sit back, chilled out, trusting him to do the right thing.

Zoecarter Mon 18-Nov-19 23:35:28

Oh god you sound about 20 if you want to be a grown up start acting like one. We have Boxing Day and Christmas Eve to us and Christmas Day is all about family. Xx

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:39:00

@Wearywithteens yeah I suppose that is the problem it’s either I stay in on my own or go around visiting people I haven’t met before (not that I’ve been invited at this stage )

Oneborneverydecade Mon 18-Nov-19 23:40:01

Maybe the OP is 20 and maybe they won't have Christmas Eve and Boxing Day together because they're at work or visiting her family. Maybe people want to do things differently to you?

AutumnCrow Mon 18-Nov-19 23:42:43

What's being 20 got to do with anything? Is it some form of festive crime?

firawla Mon 18-Nov-19 23:45:53

Not sure why you’re getting such a hard time op! You have invited her for dinner, surely having the morning in peace is not a huge snub to her, or too much to ask!

1Morewineplease Mon 18-Nov-19 23:46:10

Tread very carefully. You’re a girlfriend. I think your partner needs to lead on this issue .

HuggedTrees Mon 18-Nov-19 23:46:50

Of course you are going to change the way things happen. You start your own traditions, just as she did when she got married and didn’t do what her inlawas did previously.
So far your DP has shown he’s a keeper telling her you want time just you

RightYesButNo Mon 18-Nov-19 23:49:11

So is this more about the fact that she wants Christmas morning to spend with your DP, or the fact that she’s trying to exclude you from it? Because I think things might have gone very differently in this thread if, in your OP, you had said, “We’ve planned (your plan) and instead, MIL has gotten very snappy and wants to take DH for several hours of Christmas morning visits without me.” I think you might also feel entirely different if she’d said to your DP, “Well, visiting elderly so-and-so on Christmas morning is really a tradition; we’d like it if both you and @Ohidontknow99 join us this year?”

What may be rankling is the fact that she wants to continue a tradition while pretending you don’t exist and then come and eat Christmas dinner you’ve prepared for her - yes, that’s a bit of a kick in the face, I would think. BUT you need to sort out the exact problem. If you’ve been together five years, and this is your first Christmas together, then it’s a bit shirty of her. If you’ve been together less than a year and you’re spending Christmas together, it may be (rightly or wrongly) that she doesn’t believe you’re in a long-term relationship and should be included in holiday visits yet. There are some couples who don’t stop spending Christmases with their individual families until they get married. Everyone does it differently, obviously. BUT. You need to talk this out with your DP and figure out what outcome you want - for you to be included or for him to sit it out?

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:50:15

I’m a little older than 20 but already had a lot of unhappy Christmases and I’ve been really excited about this one so maybe I am being abit sensitive

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:55:57

We have known eachother a long time and live together this will be first xmas as an official couple and living together , maybe it is the exclusion that’s bothering me or maybe I am being abit possessive wanting him to myself . I am just going to sit back and see what happens , if he had said the tradition was really important to him and he wanted to carry it on I would have no issue but he has said he doesn’t want to so I just want her to respect that

Adayatatime Mon 18-Nov-19 23:57:28

@isitxmasyet I have a truly vile MIL. I initially tried to make lots of effort to get on with her, to try and placate her to keep the peace but she is just nasty. Causes trouble deliberately and then revels in it. I agree with the OP. The MIL shouldn't dominate their day

Wearywithteens Tue 19-Nov-19 00:00:01

I would not be allowing my boyfriend to leave me on my own if it was our first Christmas ‘together’. This is about his choices. People blame the MIL and I’ve no doubt there are some vile, selfish, vindictive ones out there, because they are people, and statistically some people are utter dicks, but ultimately your happiness rests in the choices your partner makes. He is a grown adult. He is the key to this.

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