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It’s a mother in law at xmas one!

(54 Posts)
Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 20:49:08

So it will be mine and my partners first xmas as a couple ,his mum has always been abit annoying but nothing I can’t handle.

Christmas got mentioned a few months ago and she started saying “well WE usually do this on xmas eve and this on xmas day etc” .myself and partner agreed between ourselves that for the main part of the day we would like it to just be us , she didn’t like this and we have ended up inviting her and her partner over for dinner which I don’t mind too much. However Christmas morning I was looking forward to it being just us before they come over , last week she started saying to him “well what time will we visit so and so in the morning” so he said to her quite firmly “no I won’t be doing that this year etc but we will see you for dinner” she looked at him with pure rage and said we “will discuss this another time” , aibu to just want some bloody time alone on xmas day !!! Shouldn’t she realise he’s a grown man now and some traditions are going to change , any advice on how to cope with annoying MILs over xmas greatly appreciated ! Thanks

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 20:49:45

And before anyone says it she’s not technically my mil but you know what I mean grin

Boom45 Mon 18-Nov-19 20:53:22

Let your partner cope with her, not your problem if he's decided to change his usual christmas traditions then he can deal with how his mother handles it.

Cherrysoup Mon 18-Nov-19 20:54:24

If your DP is telling her no, make sure he has told her again what the arrangements are and don’t even open the door if she pitches up stupidly early. As you say, traditions need to be made for your partner and you, his mum can’t always have what she wants, compromise is needed.

PicaK Mon 18-Nov-19 20:56:17

Let your DP take the flak. But do give her time to give herself a head wobble.

Paythosebitchesnomind269 Mon 18-Nov-19 20:56:38

Our Christmases got so much nicer once we started doing our own thing. We used to travel all over the place pleasing family. Now it's just about the three of us - bliss!

Spied Mon 18-Nov-19 20:59:43

How he handles this will tell you all you need to know about the type of man he is.
If he bows to her or tries to negotiate things with her then run for the hills...

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 21:08:18

Haha @spied I was thinking EXACTLY the same thing

Wonkybanana Mon 18-Nov-19 21:41:30

You seem to be jumping the gun a bit OP. He's told her your plans and that you're sticking to them. As long as he doesn't fold you're OK.

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 21:59:01

@wonkybanana I agree I probably am ,I think I am winding myself up at the prospect of him folding , i will wait it out

isitxmasyet Mon 18-Nov-19 22:01:37

Why do people just love to hate their MILs (or mum of even a relatively new partner)

It’s like they have to just fade away the minute women start dating a bloke.

Some women are so bloody horrible to MILs.

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 22:27:07

@isitxmasyet do you think I am being horrible to her ? Have invited her over for xmas dinner but just want some alone time in the morning . Some women are seriously weird when it comes to their adult sons and they need to get over it

Livelovebehappy Mon 18-Nov-19 22:34:38

still very early days for your relationship if this is your first xmas as a couple, so a bit premature to be referring to her as Mil. I would say tread carefully with the relationship being newish, as you don’t want to alienate his family. It’s pretty important to most couples that each other get on with family members. The time to get a bit tougher is when the relationship is more established.

Saltycinnamon Mon 18-Nov-19 22:39:12

Honestly I’m massively in the minority here but for me, it’s just a day. I try to keep all the family happy as it means a lot to them. Unless she’s a total bitch I don’t get why you’d be difficult.

Wearywithteens Mon 18-Nov-19 22:39:23

‘Weird over their adult sons and they need to get over it’
oh dear...wait until you have a son and see how you feel being told you are ‘weird’ for wanting to be in their life, and wanting to see them at Christmas. Even more so when it comes from someone who has been in their life for 5 minutes.

Try to think how you might feel about your own future children - would you be willing to just fuck them off so easily? Have some empathy.

Saltycinnamon Mon 18-Nov-19 22:40:27

You do sound v possessive tbh.

StoneofDestiny Mon 18-Nov-19 22:52:13

Been married a very long time and have had every Christmas Day with my husband, then husband and children in our home alone. I'll invite others Boxing Day or visit them - but the day is ours.

Arrange to go out Christmas Eve lunch or Boxing Day - stick to your guns.
I get on great with my MIL as it happens.

WagtailRobin Mon 18-Nov-19 23:01:31

One day you might be the mother who wants to see her adult son on Christmas day....

In the interim I suppose it's up to your other half to decide but he should be the one who determines if he wants to do the things he usually does at Christmas with his mum and family, without any influence from you!

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:01:45

@Wearywithteens ah come on ! I’ve invited her over for xmas dinner !! All I’m asking for is some free time in the morning

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:03:20

@WagtailRobin I think you misread my original post I understand she wants to see her son which is why I have no problem with her coming for xmas dinner but it seems she has a problem with me wanting time alone with him

isitxmasyet Mon 18-Nov-19 23:05:10

It’s just daft to be so difficult about what amounts to an hour or two on one morning of one day

You are newly into this family and already insisting your DP puts his foot down and issues off his parents just so you can feel you have won

Just step back
Be relaxed and don’t be the one who forces themselves in and forces others out

It’s his mum ffs.
It’s just a day and you have every other morning to be together

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:05:56

@Livelovebehappy yep agreed I should have just said partners mother, I thought I was being pretty reasonable wanting some free time in the morning if we are having her over for dinner but maybe not confused

chardonm Mon 18-Nov-19 23:07:36

I dont really understand this. Christmas is a time for FAMILY. Don't you have every other day to be "just us"?

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:08:07

@WagtailRobin completely agree and it was totally his decision to tell her what he did, I suppose it just annoyed me that she didn’t accept it

Ilikewinter Mon 18-Nov-19 23:08:35

Stick to your guns, give in this year and it'll be the same every year going forward!

Wearywithteens Mon 18-Nov-19 23:14:49

In a similar situation, having been invited for Christmas dinner (which for most people also translates as ‘lunch’) - you might ask what the logistics are so you could open a few presents and get that out of the way before the meal - so it is probably her clumsy way of saying ‘what time are we turning up then?’ - men are so crap at managing this.

Why not chill out, think nicely of her, and let your boyfriend deal with it? If he cares about you, he’ll sort it and if he cares about her, he’ll set the boundaries carefully so he doesn’t hurt her feelings. Job done. You don’t need to wade in and cast her as the wicked witch so early in this relationship.

AutumnCrow Mon 18-Nov-19 23:14:51

So what does she want to do with your DP on Xmas morning? Am I right thinking she wants to take him out on visits? With you or without you?

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:18:09

@AutumnCrow she wants to take him on visits without me basically for a “few hours” then come back and hang around until dinner I think

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:19:58

@Wearywithteens yeah I’ll try and chill out and just see what happens , We have agreed a time to have dinner. I just get the impression it’s her way of the high way and I can’t be arsed with it thlgrin

AutumnCrow Mon 18-Nov-19 23:21:46

@Ohidontknow99 In that case - and I don't think a lot of posters noticed that bit in your OP - I'd say that offering up Xmas dinner is a more than adequate compromise.

I have an adult DS and I'd be really pleased with that.

lemonadeparade Mon 18-Nov-19 23:21:49

@isitxmasyet because some MILS are just poisonous, nasty pieces of work! The only thing my mil has taught me is how NOT to be with my children's partners when they grow up.

AutumnCrow Mon 18-Nov-19 23:23:59

Also this MiL has a partner she can trot round with, doing visiting.

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:24:18

@AutumnCrow thank you ! Thought I was going crazy

messolini9 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:28:01

she looked at him with pure rage and said we “will discuss this another time”

Well it's your man you need to work on then, not MiL.
So long as you & DP are on the same page, she can rage all she likes.

FFS you have already compromised by splitting your "first xmas day together" with her. Don't give another inch, or you'll get saddled with the full family day for evermore.

messolini9 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:30:12

One day you might be the mother who wants to see her adult son on Christmas day....

The mother IS seeing her adult son on xmas day.
OP is disputing or challenging that.

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:30:32

@messolini9 haha I agree , I hope he doesn’t bow down to her as I feel like I would lose respect for him because this is actually his choice not mine

youcancallmequeenE Mon 18-Nov-19 23:33:31

One of the main things that stuck out to me @Ohidontknow99 is that this is a new relationship for you and your partner. Of course he's likely to have spent it with his family prior to meeting you and therefore I think it's entirely reasonable that his mum May take a little getting used to any new ideas that come her way re the Xmas season.

I know people love to think that their ILs are the most horrible and controlling people on the planet who don't want their children to have relationships etc etc. God knows I've moaned about my own enough 😂. But really. Relax a little.

Good on you for inviting her over for Xmas day. That's a nice thing to do but I think you also need to Accept that she doesn't have to be happy about the day changing to how's she's used to and that relationships are built on compromise. And sometimes the extent of that compromise takes a few years to get into the swing of things!

Wearywithteens Mon 18-Nov-19 23:34:53

It would be the visits without you I’d be more bothered about - she’s proposing that your boyfriend leave you on your own on Christmas Day? That would be the red line for me and the boyf. Again - this is NOT about you and his mother. She is not your problem to deal with. He should manage it. You sit back, chilled out, trusting him to do the right thing.

Zoecarter Mon 18-Nov-19 23:35:28

Oh god you sound about 20 if you want to be a grown up start acting like one. We have Boxing Day and Christmas Eve to us and Christmas Day is all about family. Xx

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:39:00

@Wearywithteens yeah I suppose that is the problem it’s either I stay in on my own or go around visiting people I haven’t met before (not that I’ve been invited at this stage )

Oneborneverydecade Mon 18-Nov-19 23:40:01

Maybe the OP is 20 and maybe they won't have Christmas Eve and Boxing Day together because they're at work or visiting her family. Maybe people want to do things differently to you?

AutumnCrow Mon 18-Nov-19 23:42:43

What's being 20 got to do with anything? Is it some form of festive crime?

firawla Mon 18-Nov-19 23:45:53

Not sure why you’re getting such a hard time op! You have invited her for dinner, surely having the morning in peace is not a huge snub to her, or too much to ask!

1Morewineplease Mon 18-Nov-19 23:46:10

Tread very carefully. You’re a girlfriend. I think your partner needs to lead on this issue .

HuggedTrees Mon 18-Nov-19 23:46:50

Of course you are going to change the way things happen. You start your own traditions, just as she did when she got married and didn’t do what her inlawas did previously.
So far your DP has shown he’s a keeper telling her you want time just you

RightYesButNo Mon 18-Nov-19 23:49:11

So is this more about the fact that she wants Christmas morning to spend with your DP, or the fact that she’s trying to exclude you from it? Because I think things might have gone very differently in this thread if, in your OP, you had said, “We’ve planned (your plan) and instead, MIL has gotten very snappy and wants to take DH for several hours of Christmas morning visits without me.” I think you might also feel entirely different if she’d said to your DP, “Well, visiting elderly so-and-so on Christmas morning is really a tradition; we’d like it if both you and @Ohidontknow99 join us this year?”

What may be rankling is the fact that she wants to continue a tradition while pretending you don’t exist and then come and eat Christmas dinner you’ve prepared for her - yes, that’s a bit of a kick in the face, I would think. BUT you need to sort out the exact problem. If you’ve been together five years, and this is your first Christmas together, then it’s a bit shirty of her. If you’ve been together less than a year and you’re spending Christmas together, it may be (rightly or wrongly) that she doesn’t believe you’re in a long-term relationship and should be included in holiday visits yet. There are some couples who don’t stop spending Christmases with their individual families until they get married. Everyone does it differently, obviously. BUT. You need to talk this out with your DP and figure out what outcome you want - for you to be included or for him to sit it out?

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:50:15

I’m a little older than 20 but already had a lot of unhappy Christmases and I’ve been really excited about this one so maybe I am being abit sensitive

Ohidontknow99 Mon 18-Nov-19 23:55:57

We have known eachother a long time and live together this will be first xmas as an official couple and living together , maybe it is the exclusion that’s bothering me or maybe I am being abit possessive wanting him to myself . I am just going to sit back and see what happens , if he had said the tradition was really important to him and he wanted to carry it on I would have no issue but he has said he doesn’t want to so I just want her to respect that

Adayatatime Mon 18-Nov-19 23:57:28

@isitxmasyet I have a truly vile MIL. I initially tried to make lots of effort to get on with her, to try and placate her to keep the peace but she is just nasty. Causes trouble deliberately and then revels in it. I agree with the OP. The MIL shouldn't dominate their day

Wearywithteens Tue 19-Nov-19 00:00:01

I would not be allowing my boyfriend to leave me on my own if it was our first Christmas ‘together’. This is about his choices. People blame the MIL and I’ve no doubt there are some vile, selfish, vindictive ones out there, because they are people, and statistically some people are utter dicks, but ultimately your happiness rests in the choices your partner makes. He is a grown adult. He is the key to this.

Ohidontknow99 Tue 19-Nov-19 00:01:38

@Wearywithteens I think you are spot on actually , I am intrigued now to see how he handles this !

shiningstar2 Tue 19-Nov-19 00:17:06

If you are living together then naturally you are going to make some new traditions together. You are going about it the right way because you are not excluding his mother. She is at the central part of your day because she is invited to Christmas lunch ...the main social event of Christmas day. However I don't think you should be expected to stay at home making the Christmas lunch alone while your dp goes off for the morning with mil. Hardly a fun time for you. Nor is it fun to tag along while wondering when you are going to get the dinner started.

Of course you should have a bit of time in the morning with your partner. Nothing wrong in wanting that if he wants it as well. You will be far happier including his dm at lunch time if you have had a bit of time to yourselves as well. I would, with your dh's support, start as you mean to go on. You are not being exclusive wanting part of the day for yourselves. Hope it works out ok for all 3 of you op.

ineedaholidaynow Tue 19-Nov-19 00:36:46

Is the MIL expecting you to stay at home and cook the dinner whilst she spends time with her son?

Are the visits to other family members or friends? Could your DP visit them another time, if he wants to?

MrsCBY Tue 19-Nov-19 00:52:10

She reacted with rage to her adult son saying he wanted to do his own thing on Christmas morning, and implied it wasn’t his decision to make.

The fact so many of you are perfectly ok with that just shows how many people think dysfunctionality is perfectly normal.

We’re all doomed.

Hope he doesn’t fold, OP.

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