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AIBU to ditch a group of friends due to their views?

(243 Posts)

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FriendDilemmas Mon 18-Nov-19 19:29:58

I've NC for this.

Three years ago we moved to a new area about 30 miles away from where we used to live. I've never been comfortable making new friends and moving away from my hometown made this even harder.

I met a group of mums at school when DS started in reception this September. None of us knew each other before school which is ideal for me as I've always struggled trying to fit in with established groups (at work, previously at school with older DD). We hit it off and have been out together a few times and it's been great. I have been really lonely and miserable for three years having absolutely no social life or friends that I see regularly, even just for a chat.

Anyway, we all met up at one of their houses (let's call her Steph) this weekend just gone for a meal and a few drinks. We were just chatting casually and Steph brought up Brexit and politics. All three of the girls suddenly turned very nasty (well, seemed that way to me) saying how Brexit needed to be done, the borders needed closing, sick of all the immigrants, Steph's DS is in high school and she said it was like 'spot the white kid' there.

I was beyond shocked. I did not expect them to have these kinds of views and it has never come up before. I respect other people's political views and do enjoy a good debate but these comments were racist and nasty and I'm not sure I can be friends with people like this.

Spoke to DH and although equally shocked, he does not think I should just ditch them based on this. I think he has seen me so depressed and lonely and was so happy I'd found a good group of friends that I got one with that he thinks I should just let it go. But I can't. We have so many other things in common and have such a laugh together and I have literally no other friends, but I'm not sure I can forget this stuff was said.


MellowBird85 Mon 18-Nov-19 20:05:19

I personally wouldn’t sacrifice what sounds like a really good friendship circle over a political view. At the same time I wouldn’t hide my own views though, there’s nothing wrong with different opinions!

category12 Mon 18-Nov-19 20:07:32

I don't think I could hang around with racists.

FriendDilemmas Mon 18-Nov-19 20:09:10

@MellowBird85 Would you consider racism a political view though?

I'd consider it bigotry. It has no place in politics. It should have no place at all. That's my view.

Screamqueenz Mon 18-Nov-19 20:09:29

As long as you feel comfortable to articulate your own opinions I wouldn't necessarily cut all contact, you might be able to change their minds about it.

paintedfences Mon 18-Nov-19 20:09:48

Right @MellowBird85 but there's normal differing political views and nasty racist crap - and that's what op said they came out with. Clinging to any ray of light, were they very, very drunk?

personally I'd not be able to trust them after that, I'd be worried they'd turn on me at some point if they can be that vile. I'd probably excuses the next few times and phase myself out of the group.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep Mon 18-Nov-19 20:09:51

I have ended a long friendship for exactly these reasons. I couldn't let their racist views go unchallenged.

MonstranceClock Mon 18-Nov-19 20:09:58

I’ve ditched people for less!

ReanimatedSGB Mon 18-Nov-19 20:10:05

It's difficult to stay friends with people whose views you find abhorrent. It starts to taint every encounter after a while. Some people are willing to try to change their friends' minds, others don't feel up to it - or have the impression that any disagreement will mean they get banished from the friendship group anyway.
Do you think that these are genuine, deeply-held beliefs (ie your new friends are thoroughly racist) or are they just fairly comfortable white people who tend to believe what the Daily Mail tells them?

Looobyloo Mon 18-Nov-19 20:11:25

I'm with you, I'm not sure I could be friends with people like that as as sad as it is to lose a friendship group.

BlackSwanGreen Mon 18-Nov-19 20:13:05

One of the (many) problems about Brexit is that it has made it okay to say this kind of thing sad

I don't know OP. The way you describe your social life makes this a really tricky decision. I think I'd stick with them and make it clear you'd rather not discuss politics again.

FriendDilemmas Mon 18-Nov-19 20:15:15

Do you think that these are genuine, deeply-held beliefs (ie your new friends are thoroughly racist) or are they just fairly comfortable white people who tend to believe what the Daily Mail tells them?

I'm honestly not sure. We'd all obviously had a few drinks and they have never voiced anything like this before. We live in quite a multicultural area and there a variety of BAME kids at the school and I've seen them chatting to the parents so I wouldn't go as far as to say they are thoroughly racist to the point they would openly condemn people or shun them, but obviously the thoughts are there!

My overly critical mind has gone into overdrive however and I'm now thinking they only gravitated towards me to be friendly because I'm white British. I could just be overthinking that though.

misspiggy19 Mon 18-Nov-19 20:15:21

I would certainly ditch them. I couldn’t be friends with anyone that hold those views.

SinisterSparkle Mon 18-Nov-19 20:16:41

Me and oh have different views on brexit so we just dont talk a our it as it gets heated because I think hes an ignorant t%$t (and I hate that word) when he expresses his one sided drivel.
Just dont talk about it our challenge their opinions the racist stuff I would call them out on let them know you wont accept it

WineIsMyCarb Mon 18-Nov-19 20:18:07

I often have differing opinions to friends and family, but I object strongly to being battered around the head with others opinions. Politely, engagingly and intelligently put, I will listen to almost any point of view. I would try to find some other friends and see them here and there if I were you.

FriendDilemmas Mon 18-Nov-19 20:20:25

I am quite happy to challenge other people's views. I'd don't start the time, purely out of shock. I just made an excuse shortly afterwards and left (wasn't glaringly obvious as it was late anyway).

If it comes up again (if I decide to socialise with them again) I will certainly be challenging them on it.

FriendDilemmas Mon 18-Nov-19 20:20:49

*I didn't at the time

happinessischocolate Mon 18-Nov-19 20:22:42

Were they all spouting this crap or were there any other mums looking horrified like you?

I'd say I wouldnt drop them for this but I'd also call them out on their comments but in reality I would probably dread seeing them and would therefore soon drop them anyway.

QueenBlueberries Mon 18-Nov-19 20:22:50

It's happening all the time. It's entirely up to you but I had a group of friends - not my closest or best friends - and they did this, made comments about immigrants' children 'steeling' other kids' places in local schools, taking advantage of the NHS, etc all in front of me, knowing that I am an immigrant. Then one of them said 'but it's different for you, you're white and you don't even have an accent'...

I tell you what, I quietly left, came home and had a cry, and found every excuse in the book to not turn up at their parties, nights out, meals out, dinners and although they still invite me once in a while, I have gradually stop responding. It took about 6 months before they got the message. I never told them to fuck off, I just quietly backed off and I think they know why... and if they don't they are probably even more stupid than I'd think.

Birthdaycakemondays Mon 18-Nov-19 20:23:21

I think you’d be surprised at how many people think like this, but won’t admit it. Or at least not until they’ve had a few drinks..

FriendDilemmas Mon 18-Nov-19 20:24:33

Were they all spouting this crap or were there any other mums looking horrified like you?

They were all making similar comments.

OrangeZog Mon 18-Nov-19 20:27:09

I have friends and family who have differing popular views but none are racist which would be a deal breaker for me.

OrangeZog Mon 18-Nov-19 20:27:21

*political not popular

ContessaLovesTheSunshine Mon 18-Nov-19 20:27:38

I think I'd take the quiet approach by going out of my way to praise people from different ethnic backgrounds to mine at every opportunity from here on in, ideally BAME individuals. Nothing they can really point at, but it will be obvious. If they then turn cold, well, you have your answer.

Sorry OP, that sucks sad

MarianaMoatedGrange Mon 18-Nov-19 20:29:38

Your friends are in for a shock if they think Brexit will put a stop to non white immigration!

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