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No present for oldest child?

(195 Posts)
Wingingit247 Mon 18-Nov-19 18:28:10

I have 3 DC and my eldest is from a previous relationship. We don't see DH's dad that often, but when we do he always brings presents for the two youngest but not the eldest. He is a lovely chap but AIBU to want to throttle him?? My eldest always looks a bit crestfallen but accepting, like he understands he isn't as important, breaks my heart!

cannockcandy Thu 21-Nov-19 12:04:33

Personally I think that's really mean. My partner is my sons stepdad and even though his parents have only met him once, they buy him christmas and birthday presents every single year without fail.
I would speak to the grandparents myself and explain how they are making DS feel xxx

SunshineCake Wed 20-Nov-19 22:13:08

@Butterisbest thank you very much for your kind words and the lovely emojis. Life is hard at times, and I am having therapy, but my children never have to have a Christmas Day like me and a few years ago dh made me a stocking once he realised I had never had one.

TheDarkPassenger Wed 20-Nov-19 18:09:48

He knows exactly what he’s doing. My mil does it to my son too. So my dp turned all the presents away at the door. Next thing they’re back with presents for all the kids.

I personally don’t fucking want anything for any of the kids off those evil cunts but I guess I’ve picked my battles for now

Royallyscrewed Wed 20-Nov-19 17:57:27

@MirenaManiac she’s an evil old crone who uses that excuse that dd2 was born out of wedlock as an excuse. For fear of hijacking the thread I won’t go into her nastier tricks but when she finally kicks the bucket, her family won’t be overly distressed, which is a sad legacy and completely her own doing.

Barney60 Wed 20-Nov-19 00:43:00

Dont understand why your hubby/partner has not put a stop to this?? does it work in the opposite direction, does your eldest get stuff from fathers family and not the younger ones?

Candymay Wed 20-Nov-19 00:35:52

@Dollymixture22 I’m exactly with you on this. And I can’t understand the poster above advising op to explain to her oldest child that grandad is not related (obliged). Very sad. I’d never behave like that towards any child. DNA does not come into it.

MirenaManiac Wed 20-Nov-19 00:31:51

@Royallyscrewed mostly powered by piss, vinegar and Satan’s favour these days.

gringrin Brilliant - thank you for making me chortle grin.

caringcarer Wed 20-Nov-19 00:16:54

I would not allow anyone to do this to my child. They treat them all the same with gifts, or no presents for any of the children. You son will feel he is not worthy if you keep allowing this to happen to him. Be pro- active and make a stand for your elder son. I love my in-laws because they have always treated my children from my first marriage as grandchildren, and treated them equally with their own natural grandchildren. For that kindness I am eternally grateful to them.

manicmij Tue 19-Nov-19 23:05:17

That's awful. Known DS since he was two and excludes him from gifts, sorry I would have to say he brings gifts for them all or none at all. Amazed you've let it go on for so long.

JustDoingMe Tue 19-Nov-19 22:19:12

YANBU, my great nephew has half siblings I send presents for all of them.

Zoejj77 Tue 19-Nov-19 21:40:06

Yep that’s really bad it needs addressing

ToftyAC Tue 19-Nov-19 21:34:40

Nope YANBU. That’s just plain bloody mean & hurtful. DH is going to have to give it to his dad straight.

Dollymixture22 Tue 19-Nov-19 21:27:41

😂😂. Thank you

TrainspottingWelsh Tue 19-Nov-19 21:25:02

Unfortunate xpost, I wasn't agreeing that yes absolutely it came across as arsy, it didn't at all!

TrainspottingWelsh Tue 19-Nov-19 21:23:26

Yes absolutely. Our relationship is nothing like another step child within the wider family where both parents are very involved and the step parents are akin to a favourite aunt/ uncle. But dp's parents are still their grandparents and they are just as included.

Dollymixture22 Tue 19-Nov-19 21:21:18

Again that sounded unintentionally arsy. You didn’t have to explain yourself - thank you for answering my nosey question😊🙄

Dollymixture22 Tue 19-Nov-19 21:12:32

Thank you for the explanation. And you are right I was overly simplistic in my posting. In fact I was honking about the exact type of circumstances you have described when i called it adoption. You are much more than a step parent😊. But then I suppose theRe is a broad spectrum of step parenting relationships!

TrainspottingWelsh Tue 19-Nov-19 20:38:38

dolly it's complicated. In brief, if dp hadn't been an involved father, dsd would have been removed to long term foster care with low level contact rather than adoption. Her mother can't parent, rather than won't or because there was a history of intentional abuse, and she was an older child when she moved in with us permanently.

Plus it wouldn't have been in dsds interest as a child to formally severe ties when she had the security otherwise. Using past tense as she's 18 now so legalities are irrelevant.

And it came across as a genuine question smile

wrcm Tue 19-Nov-19 20:24:10

Does your eldest call your hubby dad?

DoIHaveAChoice Tue 19-Nov-19 19:45:00

Glad to hear you taking action OP. I too fail to see how anyone, no matter how nice a person they may appear to be, can be oblivious to such exclusion.

Myself and my 2 younger siblings dealt with a lifetime of this obvious ostracising from SFs family. 3 of us made to sit together silently in a corner while SF, half SIS and my M got showered with gifts and had cheerful happy family photos together while we just watched on. The gifts weren't the issue, it was the blatant "you are not family, merely your mothers tagalong's, make yourselves invisible whilst with us" that made me choke back tears at every 'family' occasion. I'm still angry at how my mother allowed it.

And these people were devout Christians,

Years later I still tried to include them and invited them to my wedding. They didn't come, didn't even have the decency to RSVP and decline, simply told SF to tell me "it's too far to travel". However(!) a week later after my wedding I got an email from one of them asking for the 'lovely photos' from my wedding.... but only the photo's containing SF, M, half sis and SB and his family. Not, me. Not my siblings. Not my DS or my DH. No, why would they want them!

That hurt was felt all over again, even as a grown adult.

You are just leftovers from a past we don't give a shit about is what it says when you start excluding step children with something as simple as a token gift.

Royallyscrewed Tue 19-Nov-19 19:41:25

Hi OP my DH’s grandmother does this and I just send the gifts back unopened with a note saying we treat both children equally and won’t accept her doing otherwise.
Its ignorant and mean. Both DH and In laws have also taken this stance with her, not that its made any impact on her behaviour- don’t think she will ever change- she’s old as fuck really enjoys causing strife between her family and is mostly powered by piss, vinegar and Satan’s favour these days.

Contraceptionismyfriend Tue 19-Nov-19 19:40:35

The biological father and his relationship with his own son outside of the home is completely different to a man of who is attached to the family unit and coming into this boys home!!!

Elsie1966 Tue 19-Nov-19 19:21:13

That's terrible behaviour from fil and heart breaking for your eldest ds. Yanbu but I don't think your dh has/is handling the situation very well either. I think it's very cruel tbh

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Tue 19-Nov-19 19:17:35

The eldest dad is very unlikely to be buying all three or being told not to buy anything or take DS anywhere as the others are missing out. Seems a little unfair to only single out one person for doing it.

I’d have bought a token gift but wouldn’t spend as much on non related children as my own grandchildren as they would have their own side of the family however small. Exception being adoption as they would legally be family then.

nuxe1984 Tue 19-Nov-19 19:14:40

If the older child isn't "family" because he's not a blood relative then neither is the OP …

I would take the gifts off him and put them in a cupboard. Tell him you're not giving them to the children as it's unfair and you've asked him not to do this.

Apart from how your older son feels, what sort of message is this sending his siblings ???

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