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No present for oldest child?

(195 Posts)
Wingingit247 Mon 18-Nov-19 18:28:10

I have 3 DC and my eldest is from a previous relationship. We don't see DH's dad that often, but when we do he always brings presents for the two youngest but not the eldest. He is a lovely chap but AIBU to want to throttle him?? My eldest always looks a bit crestfallen but accepting, like he understands he isn't as important, breaks my heart!

Wingingit247 Mon 18-Nov-19 18:29:36

Should add he was only 2 when DH and I met 10 years ago so not a recent relationship!

Purpleartichoke Mon 18-Nov-19 18:29:40

So he brings gifts for his grandchildren, but not their half sibling?

InACheeseAndPickle Mon 18-Nov-19 18:30:10

YANBU. That is a bit mean to be honest. Could he be thinking the elder one is old enough to be beyond present age? As you say he's lovely he's probably just thoughtless could DH have a word and say it's lovely to bring pressies but might be safer not to in future as eldest DS feels left out.

Wingingit247 Mon 18-Nov-19 18:35:41

@Purpleartichoke yes, that exactly!

@InACheeseAndPickle eldest is a bit old for the sorts of things he brings, and it feels sort of ungrateful to say anything, but I can't bear seeing my eldest look so hurt!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Mon 18-Nov-19 18:38:02

Does your eldest paternal grandparents bring all three a gift or just him?

It’s always going to be an issue in blended families, can you remind him of times he hasn’t things when the others don’t from his side of the family.

lovelovelove2 Mon 18-Nov-19 18:41:10

I couldn't do that to anyone. I have 2 children and a DSS. I wouldn't allow (not that it's ever been a problem as my family but for all 3) but

PlaymobilPirate Mon 18-Nov-19 18:43:58

Is he assuming paternal grandparents buy for the older one?

1Wanda1 Mon 18-Nov-19 18:48:29

God that's awful, I'd be so annoyed and upset if I were you. My older DC have step-families on both sides and both sets of step-grandparents have always given them presents on birthdays and Christmas, right from the start.

Maybe you could ask your DH to speak to his dad about how this looks from the child's perspective, and ask him to give a small present to your DS as well?

Wingingit247 Mon 18-Nov-19 18:51:41

Paternal grandparents aren't around, so DS is a bit left out really. DH asked his dad not to bring presents any more as we thought that would solve the issue, but he ignored that last time he came to see us. Granted he only brought little things this time, but it's the gesture that's the problem really, not the toy itself, I guess maybe I'll have to ask DH to be more explicit.

Majorcollywobble Mon 18-Nov-19 18:54:16

He brings little gifts for the two youngest but leaves their step brother out and has since he was 2 ?
It’s going to take a while for it to sink in that this just isn’t fair - it’s hurtful .
It wouldn’t hurt him to shift his mind set and consider himself Grandad to all three .
He might need a nudge in that direction . I’d suggest that he slips your eldest a fiver every so often - not every visit maybe - but occasionally to get himself something he wants . Get your DH to have a word with his Dad ?

GrumpyHoonMain Mon 18-Nov-19 18:56:32

It’s not wrong for your younger two to be spoiled by their grandad and it’s not wrong for that grandad to not see your eldest as family in the same way. Have you talked to your eldest about this properly when he has expressed disappointment? Just remind him that the younger two’s grandad isn’t family and it’s okay for him not to treat him like family either. It might even be a good idea that when he comes over you and your eldest establish your own family tradition just the two of you - perhaps hot chocolates followed by his favourite activity?

Dollymixture22 Mon 18-Nov-19 18:57:44

How could anyone turn up at a house with three children and only bring presents for two. Dna has no bearing - this is simple manners and compassion.

He man is an arse.

Your husband needs to explain to him how hurtful it is for he child who is left out. If he shows no empathy or understanding tell him he is no longer welcome.

Mothership4two Mon 18-Nov-19 18:58:51

I guess maybe I'll have to ask DH to be more explicit

Yes, tell him that he is upsetting ds. That's really insensitive and quite mean. He could just bring a box of chocs or something.

Troels Mon 18-Nov-19 19:01:56

But he's not lovely is he? He excludes the oldest child, that horrible and mean.

Mrsbclinton Mon 18-Nov-19 19:02:29

Thats really lousy, I feel so sorry for your eldest.
How hard would it be to find out what he is into and get him some little gift when he is bringing gifts to the younger children.

Abracad Mon 18-Nov-19 19:04:10

He shouldn’t just bring a box of chocs. He should bring a similar gift and if he didn’t change I’d not be having him in my house again. Or looking after him in his dotage. What. A. Dick.

Kitsandkids Mon 18-Nov-19 19:04:11

I have similar with my PIL and my foster children. My birth child gets a lot more money spent on her even though my foster children have been in the family longer than she’s been alive! Luckily my own lovely mum treats them more equally.

Crabonastick Mon 18-Nov-19 19:05:09

I am struggling very much to believe that he wouldn’t be aware that his behaviour is upsetting your eldest child. It’s really quite basic isn’t it?

raspberryk Mon 18-Nov-19 19:05:55

Just remind him that the younger two’s grandad isn’t family and it’s okay for him not to treat him like family either.

Sorry what?!

My kids "granny" is my step mum and id be devastated if she gave presents to her grandkids in front if my kids and they got nothing.
My dp's parents and grandparents give my kids (not dp's kids) something at Easter and Christmas and they have done so since we were together around 6 months. We have only been together 2 years and no one has ever said we or they aren't part of their family.

EKGEMS Mon 18-Nov-19 19:06:04

How can you tolerate this shitty behavior? How lovely a man is he when he brings two siblings presents and the third zilch? Why not say "Actually,Dad we won't be accepting gifts for just two of the boys you treat them all equally or none at all." You've spoken privately and your husband is actually the MOST at fault as it's his parent!

Oneborneverydecade Mon 18-Nov-19 19:06:56

Just remind him that the younger two’s grandad isn’t family and it’s okay for him not to treat him like family either

I don't agree with this. They are family. And if OP takes DS out every time the Grandad arrives things will never improve

Mothership4two Mon 18-Nov-19 19:08:09

I have been to family gatherings (Easter and Christmas) where there have been unrelated children there and we always take something for them as well. It's just being kind.

DuploRelatedInjury Mon 18-Nov-19 19:10:11

That's really mean. My DB was a toddler when my parents met and my paternal GPs treated him just as they treated me.

Oneborneverydecade Mon 18-Nov-19 19:10:16

My eldests Dad was in a relationship for a couple of years. The gfs parents and siblings used to buy for my DS at Xmas and for his bday. ExD and his gf are now friends and she still buys for DS

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