To tell this mum her dd is a bully?

[Mamalexi343]

So this has been going on for a couple of months now and I'm at the end of my tether with it.

There's a girl in my 6yo dd's class who is just a downright nasty child, we'll call her F. they both play in the same friendship circle and seem to share the same best friend however this girl has taken a strong dislike to my DD.

DD is coming home everyday saying F has said nasty things to her, said nasty things about her to other children, called her fat and ugly and told her her name is horrible to the point that I've caught DD stood Infront of a mirror and calling herself fat, nor does she now want to be called by her name and no amount of reassurance has changed her view of herself which is heartbreaking for me to watch.

F constantly tells her she can't play with the others and will boss them into ignoring DD and she won't let her anywhere near the best friend leaving DD in tears every morning and now it's a struggle to even get her to school.

I've caught F in the act a few times and told her to leave DD alone and she can't tell people what to do and she always stands there with the sad told off face but I'm not buying it, meanwhile mum is nowhere to be seen.

I've talked to their teacher who did the whole oh I've not noticed anything, I'll keep an eye out but again, I'm not buying it.

We've tried to teach DD to stand up for herself and she tries but it seems to spur F on.

Mum is very much my DD is perfect, she can do no wrong yet claims F suffers with anxiety so I know if I try to talk to her about it she will have her head in the clouds and be in denial that her poor perfect angel could do such a thing.

Aibu to just be blunt and tell her her dd is a nasty bully? I know they're only 6 and I'm sure my DD is no angel in the whole thing but it's got to the point my DH won't do the school run because it makes him so angry to watch, which I sympathize as this is how I feel, what do I do? I can't let this continue.

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

Dont talk to the mum, it wont achieve anything besides making you look like the one who's bullying if you're telling her kid off then calling her names to her mum too. She would likely tell you a few 'home truths' about your dd too. Keep talking to the teacher and reporting any concerns to the school.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I would definitely talk to the mother! What a massive assumption that there are 'home truths' to be told about the OP's DD, live in the real bloody world some kids are bullies and it doesn't tend to be tit for tat!

If she's precious I don't suppose she'll listen to you but there isn't anything I wouldn't try in this situation. School need to be absolutely all over this watching the interactions in the playground like a hawk.

[Beveren]

I agree that talking to the mother will be pointless. You need to get the school's bullying policy - it's probably available online - and ask for an urgent meeting with the class teacher and the Head or Deputy to talk about what exactly they are going to do to implement their policy and keep your child safe, both mentally and physically. Make sure you come out of that meeting with a defined plan and a follow-up meeting diarised to check how it's going.

[Choufleur]

Go back to the school. Ask to speak with the head and raise concerns there. Get a copy of their bullying policy and got through with a fine tooth comb and pick out everywhere that they are breaking their own policy.

I doubt the mum will listen to you if she thinks her daughter is perfect.

[DobbinOnTheLA]

I don't think taking up with the parent is going to help at all. You've pretty much said she'll be defensive and i wouldn't be surprised if she then starts complaining about your DD. If you don't think the teacher is taking it seriously then you should escalate - deputy/head etc depending on school set up.

And your husband shouldn't be opting out of the school run just because the situation is making him angry. If your DD is going in, then he can make the effort too.

[Mamalexi343]

The school honestly couldn't care less, the whole class had an issue with a boy that would daily attack the other children and teachers, DD had her finger bitten down to the bone twice as well as a nearly broken eye socket after he kicked her for no reason, he gave the teachers multiple black eyes one even threatened to quit. this went on for 3 years with multiple meetings with the head before anything was done about it. They don't care, the school is a joke.

[cheesydoesit]

Yeah, don't talk to the other parent just yet. How many times have you approached the teacher? Speak to the teacher again, or the head of year if you feel the need to escalate it.

Your husband needs to get a grip frankly. Like you say, it's not something you enjoy witnessing nor does your DD enjoy experiencing it so why does he get to opt out? Absolutely pathetic of him.

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

What a massive assumption that there are 'home truths' to be told about the OP's DD, live in the real bloody world some kids are bullies and it doesn't tend to be tit for tat!

I haven't assumed anything at all, just that this is the type of parent who would turn it back on the OPs dd, whether its true or not.

[BlackSwanGreen]

Sounds like you should consider moving schools OP. Honestly I don't think telling the other mum her DD is a nasty bully will help your DD.

[cheesydoesit]

Cross post.

Other posters might be more knowledgeable about school complaint procedures and how to escalate them.

Are you able to move her to a different school?

[finallyme2018]

Look for a new school sounds dramatic but I can promise after living through it, it dies down for a whole but is never resolved fully, 4 years of fighting, I finally gave up an moved my child, he is the happiest I've seen him in his school life and doesn't even ask about the one or 2 friends he did have there. Sometimes moving is the easiest way especially if school won't act on it.

[KanelbulleKing]

If the school don't care or won't do anything then escalate it to someone who does.

[isittooearlyforgin]

Agree 100 % with @Choufleur. as a teacher I advise this is definitely the way to go. Make a diary of each occasion it happens with dates and incident and do not be brushed off. Explain that just because it hasn’t been noticed doesn’t mean it isn’t happening and the impact it is having on your child. Recite the definition of bullying from their own policy, ask precisely what they are going to do about it, and then make an appointment for the following week to discuss how the school’s actions have gone and if they have sorted the bullying. If you can not get this to move forward with the teacher, speak to head. Don’t get involved with other mum, it usually leads to more trouble than good.

[Juicyfrooty]

My dd is at high school now, they can be so awful to each other. I think it gets worse as they get older.

Schools aren't very good at dealing with this kind of bullying. Now that they all have mobiles and whatsapp or whatever I have been known to message the girls directly saying they either stop or the school will be involved, or speak to their parents.

In my experience parents tend to fob you off and make out like its tit for tat even if you have screen shots etc as evidence

[messolini9]

it's got to the point my DH won't do the school run because it makes him so angry to watch

DH need to grow the fuck up. It's not about him, it's about his DD, & is HE can't face the playground, how can he expect her to?

As to telling the other mum - I can understand the urge to point out the facts to her, but 1) it won't go well, & you won't be heard or accepted, & 2) it wouldn't solve this issue anyway.

The best option is to get the school onside.
The teacher who limply bleated "I haven't noticed anything" - you need to respond "well now I have pointed it out you can be on the lookout".

You also need to explain how much of an impact the bullying is having on DD, spelling out her upset, how she internalising the negging (heartbreaking about calling herself names in front of the mirror), being excluded by F & now not even wanting to come to school.

[messolini9]

The school honestly couldn't care less, the whole class had an issue with a boy that would daily attack the other children and teachers, DD had her finger bitten down to the bone twice as well as a nearly broken eye socket after he kicked her for no reason, he gave the teachers multiple black eyes one even threatened to quit. this went on for 3 years with multiple meetings with the head before anything was done about it. They don't care, the school is a joke

If it's this bad, how about changing schools?

[luanmapo]

We put up with this sort of behaviour with our dd for far too long, thinking things would change.
Talking to the other parent makes no difference whatsoever, they will just defend their child and make your child out to be the instigator.
We moved our child in the end and it was the best decision we ever made!
Our daughter is now way ahead in terms of her education as she now does not fret about her peers and she gets along amazingly with her whole class now too, even though the majority are girls.
Sometimes you have to be the proactive one and do what’s best for your child. Forget those who will not change, especially when schools do nothing to help the situation.
Best of luck to you and your dd.

[Beveren]

If the school is that bad, I'd suggest you start looking for another as a matter of urgency.

[Juicyfrooty]

These kinds of children arent stupid though, they know how to act when an adult, particularly a teacher is nearby.

This kind of bullying is hard for teachers to spot and deal with.

I'm also sick of hearing the line 'well you know what girls are like, they're all as bad as eachother' while parents/teachers keep saying this the kids will carry on thinking their behaviour is okay.

[popsadaisy]

If the school is so bad can you look at removing her and putting her into a better school? You could speak to the mum but I think if you do you'll have to go about it carefully. Don't go in all guns blazing because that will likely get her back up straight away and get you nowhere.

[CrotchetyQuaver]

Don't tell the other mum, it won't end well (and where do you think the kid gets this behaviour from?)
Use the schools anti bullying policy if you will, but if the schools as bad as you say it is then I'd look very seriously at moving her ASAP

[Heartburn888]

I’d go and speak to the mother, but I wouldn’t say she’s a nasty bully as that will put her straight on the defence.

Just say you’ve noticed her daughter being mean to yours and caught your daughter saying she’s fat etc etc and it’s not nice to have her doing these things or feeling this way due to her daughters actions and how would she feel if it was the other way round.

I’d ask her to speak to her daughter about her behaviour and I’d also speak to the school because it’s not on at all.

Hope you get it sorted and some for your dd

[Juicyfrooty]

When I'm at the point of speaking to a childs parents TBH I dont care if it ends well or not I dont want to be friends with that childs mother and I dont want my daughter to be friends with bullies. I just want them to back the fuck off.

[Mymycherrypie]

Change schools but in the mean time I would ensure that everything you do is in writing. Email head and class teacher. If you do speak face to face casually, email afterwards saying “confirming our discussion earlier, these are the steps to be taken forward etc” highlight their own policies and how they have failed to act upon them.

If you have a face to face meeting, take another person along with you and minute the meeting. Email those minutes afterwards with further action highlighted for the school.

Once these actions have been shown to not have been followed up, despite the school’s policy and the head in writing saying that they will be, you have enough evidence to email the whole lot to the governors and if you need to, ofsted. Some will call this an over reaction but in my mind, it is simply ensuring an educational institution who have shown themselves to be lax, stick to their duty of care. If you just start the practise of putting it all in writing I think you’ll find that they will pay more attention.

[M3lon]

yup- I'd 100% be taking my DD out of a school like that.

Self-esteem wrecking behaviour like this could ruin her whole life. No way I'd let it continue.