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Was I wrong?!

(93 Posts)
Newmeboys Mon 18-Nov-19 13:16:24

Long one.

So I left my emotionally abusive (small amount of physical abuse) Jan '18. Met, let's call him 'Jim' 3 months later online. We both have 2 kids from out previous relationships who get on well.

We've been together 18 months, all good, holidays, time together with extended families on both sides.

Anyway last weekend we were all at his (we only are able to get together every other month for whole weekends due to his shifts). I left Sunday am to give them a break (chaos with them all!!), chill time before the kids went back to their mothers, he had a nap 💤 after they'd gone back. All good.

Fast forward to this weekend, my eldest's birthday party. I arranged for them to stay at mine an extra night so kids can have a sleepover as Jim and kids have driven an hour to get there. Mine went back Saturday am.

I normally work two set days and pick up an extra shift one day (nurse) to help with Christmas 🎄 etc.... originally I was booking Sunday but in error booked Saturday, hey ho, better for me to late to change it. Jim was cross as he wanted us to spend time together (plus his kids). Anyway I said sorry for messing up, he originally said I'm going home in a bit of a sulk but decided to crash at mine Saturday, I said well we can have a drink after I've finished work etc.

Sunday am his girl is sat in bed with us, not what I envisioned for my child free day off!!!! So I said I'm off spinning whilst you all get up and ready. He pipes up 'I thought you were spending time with up?' I think ok I'll go later.

Then I sit and think, I've had 11 year of ex dictating my life. I'm pissed off so I get up and say I'm going, he's obviously not happy. When I get back he asked if I was going out with them and I say I've stuff to do. He storms off with kids, parting shot, you've treated my kids life second class citizens, fuck off and threw his key 🔑 at me!!!! I was in the process of saying let's talk later once kids in bed!!!! Heard nothing from him??!! I won't be contacting him!!!!

WhatsMyAgeAgain0 Mon 18-Nov-19 13:19:16

He sounds very immature.
I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that.

Newmeboys Mon 18-Nov-19 13:19:46

To add he's made previous comments about not being able to see me as I've made plans with friends or arranged to work?????

Winterdaysarehere Mon 18-Nov-19 13:19:57

Glad you have seen him for the man he really is op.
Takes guts to act so quickly.
Now you can have a stress free xmas!!

Bluntness100 Mon 18-Nov-19 13:19:59

So you invited him for the weekend, then worked all day sat and went spinning Sunday? Would you have been ok if he did this to you?

His reaction was not acceptable, but I can see why he may be frustrated. It's pure shit going to see someone and they leave you there on your own.

Newmeboys Mon 18-Nov-19 13:23:11

I invited him Friday to Saturday for the party, not the whole weekend he just presumed!!!!! I wanted some time to sort my house, work, alone time and exercise!!!!! Xxx

Nanny0gg Mon 18-Nov-19 13:23:25

Wrong on both sides from what I can make of it.

misskatamari Mon 18-Nov-19 13:25:05

I agree with @Bluntness100, his reaction isn't okay, but if you had been at work all day Saturday, then out again Sunday morning spinning, and then you have stuff to do when you get back, it's a bit crap for him when he's come to visit you. I'd be upset in his shoes as well. Although yes, how he handled it isn't great. I guess you need to look at the bigger picture on this and decide if it's a one off, or if he is prone to behaving like this.

Newmeboys Mon 18-Nov-19 13:26:52

Saturday I worked from 2 and anticipated he'd take the kids home then. Xx

billy1966 Mon 18-Nov-19 13:29:39

OP, well rid.

Completely out of order. He was not invited for the weekend.

Do not contact him.

You don't need another abusive relationship.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 18-Nov-19 13:30:20

You both fucked up and behaved badly, but I think the main issue is that perhaps you're not ready for a relationship.

WestSideSnorey Mon 18-Nov-19 13:30:38

I cannot condone his actions at all but it does sound like you weren't reasonable with him and he ended up snapping.

The relationship is over now anyway so I wouldn't spend too much time analysing it. It sounds like it's better for everyone if you just move on and forget each other. When neither of you respects the other there's no point anyway.

It might be advantageous for future relationships to deal with your insecurities before jumping into another one. I'm not saying that is what has caused this one to break down but it does seem that you perhaps hold onto previous issues to the detriment of your current situation.

Bluntness100 Mon 18-Nov-19 13:31:58

Your op says you invited them to stay an extra night past Saturday. Now you're saying you expected them to go home.

You need to be clear on what you're inviting people for. Because it's clear as mud on here, so can't be easy for them.

SafetyAdvice0FeedWhenAgitated Mon 18-Nov-19 13:32:35

If you were as clear with invitation as you were in this post, I can imagine why he thought they are invited for the weekend...
Yes, he shouldn't have flipped, but if you said "Why don't you come this weekend?" and then ignored them most time, I wouldn't be happy too🤷

Newmeboys Mon 18-Nov-19 13:36:53

I did say I wanted some time to rest Sunday maybe I wasn't clear enough with this. Xxxx

Myshinynewname Mon 18-Nov-19 13:45:09

He sounds like he over reacted but you were rude. You invited him to yours, then arranged to work. He probably stayed because you had been at work on Saturday and he hadn’t really seen you. Unless you explicitly told him not to stay on Saturday night then anything other than willingly spending Sunday morning with him and his family was just rude and PA.

Havaina Mon 18-Nov-19 13:45:41

@Bluntness100

So you invited him for the weekend, then worked all day sat and went spinning Sunday? Would you have been ok if he did this to you?

She didn't invite him for the weekend. The OP says 'he decided' to crash at mine. He should have bloody asked!

He had zero right to assume you would spend Sunday with him and his DC.

Was the party on Friday?

OP, you did absolutely the right thing, well done!

Havaina Mon 18-Nov-19 13:47:29

To add he's made previous comments about not being able to see me as I've made plans with friends or arranged to work?????

He sounds very controlling and sounds like this was the final straw.

So glad you figured him out before you moved in together.

DrunkUnicorn Mon 18-Nov-19 13:51:54

Good riddance OP!

iano Mon 18-Nov-19 13:53:16

Tbh I can't make head nor tail of this? Did you or did you not invite him the extra day. You seem to be contradicting yourself. You need to be clear with him on your plans. It's pretty strange to invite someone to stay and then go to work and then not even give them half a day of your time. I would have been annoyed too especially if the kids could have been better entertained at home. He overreacted and you are well within your rights to call it a day on that front.

Collaborate Mon 18-Nov-19 13:54:24

So it's now apparently controlling is it to express dissatisfaction that your partner isn't making themselves available to see you as much as you'd wish? When you live an hour away from each other and only get together one weekend out of 4?

Think I've seen it all now.

I arranged for them to stay at mine an extra night so kids can have a sleepover as Jim and kids have driven an hour to get there. Mine went back Saturday am.
That is definitely 2 nights.

MrsMaiselsMuff Mon 18-Nov-19 13:54:37

I arranged for them to stay at mine an extra night so kids can have a sleepover as Jim and kids have driven an hour to get there.

I invited him Friday to Saturday for the party, not the whole weekend he just presumed!!!!!

Which is it?

Disfordarkchocolate Mon 18-Nov-19 13:54:47

Honestly, he's been a dick, it was a spinning class, not a day trip.

Bluntness100 Mon 18-Nov-19 13:57:39

She didn't invite him for the weekend. The OP says 'he decided' to crash at mine

Suggest you read the whole thing, she also says she invited him Friday through sat for the party then for an extra night after her kids went home. She then says she only said she wanted some time to rest on Sunday, why say that if you're expecting them to go home Saturday.

Bottom line is he thought they were invited for the weekend, which let's be honest it seems he was. She then didn't wish them there. And is angry they were. His reaction is unacceptable but the op is certainly not clear on what exactly she invited them for.

floraloctopus Mon 18-Nov-19 14:01:15

He's not worth your time - at least you got the key from him. Change the locks though just in case.

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