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Who is the gift for?

(140 Posts)
Nooz Mon 18-Nov-19 08:34:06

Is it inherently unreasonable if...

I'm in a long distance relationship, both single parents, and I'd like to please share something without lots of history just to see this thing alone in the spotlight...

He's been telling me about a beauuuutiful necklace he's chosen for me, big build up. Specific charms, of significance to us, three on a beautiful chain. His lives with his dd aged 15 and her mum -his ex of 6years- died in Feb 2018. Last night he said his dd spotted the necklace on the side in his room and said that it reminded her of 'you, me and mummy' is it for me?' and he said he couldn't say no and gave it to her.

Was that reasonable? Thoughts other than my own emotions would be so helpful. Thank you.

FridalovesDiego Mon 18-Nov-19 08:37:55

Completely unreasonable. Given the convoluted story though, I would actually doubt the necklace ever existed. Give that one a wide berth. (If it were true, surely he could have just replaced it and no one need be disappointed? He sounds like a right tosser though)

Gardai Mon 18-Nov-19 08:37:57

He’s entitled to give it to his daughter, I’m assuming her mother died ?
Depends if he gets you a replacement necklace.
Otherwise it could be a lie. Why the big build up ?!

gobbynorthernbird Mon 18-Nov-19 08:38:05

If you're thinking about anything other than a 15 year old child who has lost their mum, then it's you who is being unreasonable.

PurpleDaisies Mon 18-Nov-19 08:39:07

It sounds suspicious to me. I doubt it exists.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 Mon 18-Nov-19 08:41:31

Do you see the DD? But of a convoluted story...

GiveHerHellFromUs Mon 18-Nov-19 08:42:15

Does his DD know you exist?

Lulualla Mon 18-Nov-19 08:42:25

Shed have had to open the box to look at it. Would s 15 year old go into their dad's room and start opening things?

I think at 15 she should have known it wasn't for her, but if she is s bit young for her and this did happen then it would be hard to tell her no.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile Mon 18-Nov-19 08:43:34

It's surely strange. If I saw a necklace on my parents' room I would not assume it's a gift for me straight away. As people above mentioned, it probably never existed, he built your hope up without actually wanting to give you anything.

OneDay10 Mon 18-Nov-19 08:45:37

I also agree its bizarre. why would a piece of jewellery remind her of the 3 of them?? doesnt make sense.

Sushiroller Mon 18-Nov-19 08:46:46

I had a few friends at school whose parents died when they were early teens. It messes you up as been a teen us hard enough.

On that basis yabu.
It's basically a glorified trinket.
she is a child/young adupt who has been through a lot of hurt and terrible trauma and I can't imagine a parent saying no to that.

Would you prefer he said "no darling, that's not a symbol of you, me and your dead mother... it's for my new girlfriend." confused

PurpleDaisies Mon 18-Nov-19 08:51:06

Would you prefer he said "no darling, that's not a symbol of you, me and your dead mother... it's for my new girlfriend."

He wouldn’t have had to have said it like that. He could have said it was a Christmas present for the op (who isn’t new on the scene) but it was lovely the DD has thought of it like that and would she like one for Christmas too?

Owlypants Mon 18-Nov-19 08:52:40

I wouldn't believe him. So his 15yr old daughter spotted a gift in his room this close to Christmas, had a snoop then let him know she was looking by asking if it was for her? That doesn't sound right.

wildcherries Mon 18-Nov-19 08:53:42

How does a necklace remind you of your parents? Seems made up. I'd be weary of him and the entire setup. You'd probably always be in competition of sorts with the ex given the circumstances. That's understandable in many ways. I just couldn't do it.

TabbyMumz Mon 18-Nov-19 08:54:53

So...he could easily you another one? I'd say to him..oh what a shame, you've git yo go back to the shop and buy another?

Nooz Mon 18-Nov-19 08:54:53

My instinct is this did happen, and taken that to be, I see it as an allegory for he and I. I live and breathe this dichotomy every day, who's needs come first?

It's not a competition but it is a reality. My own mum lost her mum at 15, I work in a secondary school, there are multiple ways of facing this.

Will I always the wicked one if I say anything? I have my own head to keep up for my boys. Confused... as ever!

Thank you for all the replies! Am taking this all on board x

Beautiful3 Mon 18-Nov-19 08:58:13

I don't believe it happened. But even if it did, why didn't he order a replacement??! Did you suggest a replacement? Seems too werid to me.

CalmFizz Mon 18-Nov-19 08:58:18

What was the intention of the gift? Birthday present? Christmas? Or an off the cuff I want to get you this? Basically, are you still owed a gift?

Illberidingshotgun Mon 18-Nov-19 08:59:01

Does the DD know of your relationship and has she met you?

What were the specific charms? Were they something that could also have significance to her and her Mum?

If the necklace was on the side in his room then I'm surprised that she thought it was for her, surely he would have hidden it away if it was hers? A more expected response from him would be "No, that's for Nooz, but if you'd like a necklace in memory of your Mum I'd love to get you one"

I can see that he may have been caught off guard though, and his DD has clearly been through a great deal over the past few years.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail Mon 18-Nov-19 09:00:10

How long have you been together and what do you want from this relationship?

I think he dealt with it weirdly. In his shoes either I would have given her that one and bought you a new one and never mentioned it. Or, said ‘no I’ve got you something different’ and gone and bought a similar necklace/bracelet for her with genuinely relevant charms for her.

Do you know his DD?

MrsEricBana Mon 18-Nov-19 09:05:03

I wouldn't be as quick to assume it was a lie. It might well be true under all the circumstances. If my dh said that, I'd know it was true, but if someone I didn't trust otherwise said that then maybe I'd be more cynical. I'd wait and see what he gets for you instead.

floraloctopus Mon 18-Nov-19 09:06:09

It'd be rather weird if he went and bought a replacement for you after his daughter had said that. I wouldn't feel comfortable wearing a necklace that I knew reminded my (non-existent in my case) DSD of her mother before she died.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile Mon 18-Nov-19 09:07:30

@Nooz To the girl, her Mum will always be her Mum and it's likely she may never see you ar motherly figure, only natural as the Mum passed away fairly recently. To the partner, she wil lbe a priority, like your children will surely be to you.
I find this particular situation very unbelievable though, and she either said something totally different (Oh lovely, can I please have it please please pretty please) and he made up an excuse to make you feel like he didn't have a choice, or it didn't happen at all. If he cares about you, I am sure he will find another opportunity to gift something to you, if not, he will just feed you with promises of gifts that were never meant to be.

category12 Mon 18-Nov-19 09:11:23


If this were true, what on earth do you think you can say to it?

Don't go into competition with his dd, because if you win that's a hideous outcome, and if you rightly lose, that'll be hurtful for you.

saraclara Mon 18-Nov-19 09:12:20

He was put on the spot and had to come out with a response in less than two seconds. He's probably now thinking of all the other things he could have said @PurpleDaisies

If the necklace had three charms, I can see why she might have thought it referred to the three of them. My daughter bought me such a necklace to represent me and my two daughters.

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