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To not contribute more money?

(268 Posts)
moneyistheroot Sun 17-Nov-19 20:19:03

DP and I have just had a disagreement over money.
We are engaged to be married, no kids.
We are in the process of buying our very long term home. We already own together.

I'm 25 and currently earn £60k in finance. It's gruelling, stressful and has long hours. I'll be on £100k+ by 30.

DP is a teacher on £40k and is 30. He will struggle to match my income.

Our lives are lived similarly, DP does extra tuition which makes our net pay similar. We live as to what the lowest earner could afford. For the majority of the relationship I was the low earner (studying). He never paid for more, we always split equally.

He has just said he expects me to contribute more to our household financially when I begin to earn significantly more. I disagree. When we have kids it would be joint but I wouldn't work my hours now and would take a pay cut, so likely to be equal.

I don't think I should sacrifice the extra money pre-children when I don't have as much pension contribution and I'd like to buy nice things for myself etc.

So who is BU?

ArnoldBee Sun 17-Nov-19 20:21:52

You are.
Also have you discussed if he wants to stay home with any children?

user1471427614 Sun 17-Nov-19 20:22:27

You are....your patners...patners share

nonevernotever Sun 17-Nov-19 20:24:15

I would have said yabu if it wasn't for the fact that you split everything equally when you were the lower owner. It's also reasonable for your savings for a better pension to be regarded as a priority.

heartsonacake Sun 17-Nov-19 20:26:54

YABU and selfish. You’re either partners and you share or you’re just friends with benefits that live together.

X0X0 Sun 17-Nov-19 20:27:29

Are you a team?

Rosehip345 Sun 17-Nov-19 20:29:14

Your joint income is £100k,
Are you in a couple or housemates?

HundredMilesAnHour Sun 17-Nov-19 20:30:08

I was sympathetic with you OP until you trotted out I'd like to buy nice things for myself Now YABU!

Lollypop701 Sun 17-Nov-19 20:30:09

So everything was split 50/50 when he was paid more but now you will be he wants a share? Has he offered an explanation as to why? Aside from that you could put more in your pension.

HunterHearstHelmsley Sun 17-Nov-19 20:30:37

YANBU because he was fine with an equal split when you earned less.

FaithInfinity Sun 17-Nov-19 20:31:29

We were in a similar position starting out. We joined finances when we moved in together. We pooled resources and then had some money each month to spend on ourselves. When we got together I out-earned DH, now he brings in twice what I do! I’ve gone part time since having kids but this means I’m still contributing but it saves us money in childcare.

Ffsnosexallowed Sun 17-Nov-19 20:31:34

If you are s partnership then yabu.

Passthecherrycoke Sun 17-Nov-19 20:32:25

This all sounds a bit weird tbh. I can’t imagine any job in finance that you can recently qualify in, walk in on £60k and be on £100k by 30 (I’m in finance also) also how can it be a very long term home when you’re in your mid 20s? I can’t decide if you’re trying to have a sensible mature conversation in advance of children or if you’re just being weird and throwing your weight around

marshmallowss Sun 17-Nov-19 20:33:47

This is strange. You earn £100k between you and don't have kids yet. Money shouldn't even be an issue!

csam Sun 17-Nov-19 20:33:55

I disagree with the yabu from most.
I think it depends on the additional money being spent on your new home.
My partner and I always split 50/50 even though he earnt significantly more than me. I saw he hard he worked and The extra hours expected of him.

His extra income went on pension contributions and investments for him.
Fast forward several years and we've just bought a new home with a much increased mortgage. Without his extra contributions we wouldn't be able to afford this with an even split.
I would have no issues with bills being 50/50 'if both people could afford it'.

littlepaddypaws Sun 17-Nov-19 20:34:56

why wasn't it equal when you were earning less ?

PooWillyBumBum Sun 17-Nov-19 20:40:59

I know a few people who walked into similar salaries cherrycoke. DH (no A levels) went from 27k as a counsellor to 60k as a business analyst at a consultancy within two years. Restrained as a BA, got a job in a bank, got promoted, moved and promoted again. Now on significantly more at 28. Think it depends on location, niche, company etc as finance is a broad umbrella.

OP I don’t know who is BU but I can’t imagine planning kids with someone but also wanting a different quality of life from them. If 2008 happens again and you’re made redundant, would you be happy with him spending the extra he has when you have nothing? You say you always live within the means of the lower earner but that’s not what you’re proposing really.

PooWillyBumBum Sun 17-Nov-19 20:41:24

*retrained

Havaina Sun 17-Nov-19 20:49:43

For the majority of the relationship I was the low earner (studying). He never paid for more, we always split equally.

Funny how he ddn't want equal finances when he was the higher earner hmm

What was the situation then, OP?

brighteyeowl17 Sun 17-Nov-19 20:50:55

I always think you share yet once married. I thought that was the point of being a team. You also sound like you have your head in the clouds and are belittling him... for earning more than most people can dream of!

GrumpyHoonMain Sun 17-Nov-19 20:53:21

He sounds like a selfish using cunt. He only wants the higher earner to contribute more now because it’s not him!

Suggest you can do a lot better than him.

Bluntness100 Sun 17-Nov-19 20:58:26

He is. Why should he be entitled to your money. He has enough, you earn more so he should get some to spend on himself?

No, he didn't do it for you, don't do it for him. Different when kids come along, see how you feel, but right now tell the grabby fucker to do one.

tequilasunrises Sun 17-Nov-19 20:59:36

I would say you are, and he was also by not contributing more when he was the higher earner.

That said, I would only apply this once you were engaged or even married as that signals that you are ready to be a team rather than two individuals.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Sun 17-Nov-19 21:02:10

It wasn't so long ago that people used to move in together as a kind of a trial "marriage". To see if they were compatible before they actually got married.

Nowadays - lots of couples live together as a way of getting more disposable income for themselves.

What are your reasons for wanting to live together? What are your thoughts on marriage? Kids?

Bluntness100 Sun 17-Nov-19 21:02:19

I'd have paraphrases this op by asking people to qualify their answer, are they the Lower or higher earners and do they expect or contribute more. I think the answers would be very revealing.

Bottom line though is he wasn't willing to share with you. He's no right to now demand you share with him.

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