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I can't stand my cousins wife...

(103 Posts)
Lizbiz89 Sun 17-Nov-19 10:11:45

To cut a long story short 3 years ago I lost my first baby at 6 months pregnant. She would have been my grandmas first born great grandchild. A month after we lost her my extended family got together for a birthday. We weren't there as we'd gone travelling to heal a bit.

Anyway my mum came back and told me that my cousins wife had gotten onto the subject of babies and turned around to grandma and said "hopefully we'll be the first to give you a great grandchild". This is obviously after the whole family knew what had happened to us.

I have since never gotten over what she said and because of this I grit my teeth at every event we go to just to get through it and leave. She also just seems to be a very disingenuous person anyway in the things she says and how she behaves.

So I've now come to the decision that I just don't want to be around her and have decided we will not attend any event with her there. Boxing Day is coming up and we usually go to an event with her there but I've decided I don't want to go although my mum is trying to force me.

Do you think this is a valid reason not to see a person again? Just want to know what others would think if someone had made that comment about such a loss.

I'm usually a person who just lets bygones be bygones but this I just can't get over.

RedSheep73 Sun 17-Nov-19 10:15:03

She does sound horrid. But if this was 3 years ago and she still hasn't won the baby race maybe she's got her comeuppance? Just make different plans for Boxing Day, but make it a positive thing you want to do, rather than about her.

caravanette Sun 17-Nov-19 10:15:33

YANBU and trust your instincts about her

DriftingLeaves Sun 17-Nov-19 10:15:38

Your mum really shouldn't have told you what was said. It may not even have been said in the way she implies.

I very much doubt your cousin's wife would deliberately set out to hurt you. She doesn't even know what your mother told you, and it may not be true.

I think you need to get past it. It wasn't said to you or to hurt you and may not have even happened.

Hoppinggreen Sun 17-Nov-19 10:16:37

I’m sorry for your loss
It does sound a bit insensitive but without knowing if there’s a backstory it doesn’t sound like she meant anything by it, most people who haven’t had a Mc have no idea how awful it is.
It’s you who is isolating yourself from your family and you who is missing out on family events. You don’t have to be her friend, just be civil and don’t let it get in the way of spending time with your family if you want to

Hoppinggreen Sun 17-Nov-19 10:17:25

And I would also question why your mum told you.

MatildaTheCat Sun 17-Nov-19 10:18:47

I simply cannot understand why your own mother would repeat this comment to you. Cousin’s wife was stupid but your mother was cruel.

Do whatever works best for you and feels the most ok.

Otherwisebaldandunconvincing Sun 17-Nov-19 10:19:23

Why on earth did your mum tell you that? That was very unkind of her.
It was also unkind of your cousin's wife but people say stupid things sometimes.
I would not be friends with her but I would not avoid her. Why spoil your life for someone that said something thoughtless when you weren't even there? (I've had many pregnancy losses so I do get where you are coming from).
I think that your mum was the most out of order here though. She has created an issue where one didn't need to exist.

sweeneytoddsrazor Sun 17-Nov-19 10:19:37

It was probably a remark she said without really thinking, and meant no harm by it at all. Your Mum was very wrong to tell you she said it. I think after 3 years you should let one thoughtless remark, that wasn't made in your presence, go and try and make some attempt to get on with her.

Otherwisebaldandunconvincing Sun 17-Nov-19 10:19:59

Sorry, cross posted with everyone above!

DBML Sun 17-Nov-19 10:20:36

To be honest op, you’re bound to have been sensitive about what she said because of your terrible loss. She also said something a bit dickish, but that comment might have be made without thinking.

However, to be honest, I’d let it go. Otherwise you miss out on enjoying your family. She’s not really worth that. I’d be civil, but not overly friendly and just enjoy Boxing Day with people who love you.

Sincerely sorry for your loss.

Ladyratterley Sun 17-Nov-19 10:21:11

She may just have said that in an unthinking way, rather than it being deliberately malicious.
I’m so sorry for what has happened to you, it must have been awful. However it may be making you overthink her comment.
As Redsheep said, perhaps you can make some nice positive plans for you rather than carrying anger about a (possibly offhand, although certainly ill judged) comment made three years ago.

MRex Sun 17-Nov-19 10:22:18

I also don't understand why your mother told you that. There are several ways the comment could have been misconstrued. What is your DM usually like?

Ladyratterley Sun 17-Nov-19 10:22:37

Cross posted with everyone above! I also think your Mum should have kept this to herself.

Shylo Sun 17-Nov-19 10:23:05

I am very sorry for your loss Liz

If that’s exactly what your SIL said that is extremely heartless and I would neither forgive now forget; however I’d not be missing family occasions because of her, I’d just keep my distance and not engage with her

However I do wonder why your DM told you, she knew it would hurt you and there’s absolutely no reason for her to have come scurrying straight back to you with such a nasty story ..... do you think you have the full story from your DM? Or is it possible she’s over stretched the story into something it wasn’t and that’s why she’s minimising it now it’s blown up more than she expected?

Spudina Sun 17-Nov-19 10:23:08

I think it’s a shame to miss out on your family Christmas events because of your issues with one person. I’m pretty sure that after 3 years she won’t remember making such a tactless remark and would be horrified to know that you even know she said it and that it’s still on your mind. Why don’t you meet with her before Christmas and tell her how you feel?

Apolloanddaphne Sun 17-Nov-19 10:23:29

Unless you were there you can have no idea how this was said and the spirit it was meant in. I too think your DM was cruel to have told you this. I think after 3 years you need to let it go.

MamaGee09 Sun 17-Nov-19 10:24:14

I agree with sweeneytodd it was probably an off the cuff remark she made without thinking but why the hell your mum ran back and told you I just don’t understand!

I think you are being a bit upset unreasonable to not attend any family events because of something someone told you that someone’s else had said! Just silly. You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face, the cousin probably isn’t even aware of the animosity!

glasgowLil Sun 17-Nov-19 10:25:02

I’m so sorry about your baby.
I have to agree with other posters that your mum shouldn’t have told you and you don’t know what context it was said in. It was clearly an insensitive thing to say but it’s very unlikely she meant to say anything that would upset you so much and for so long.
Did you had any grief counselling after you lost your baby? I think there are a few charities who offer it;
www.lullabytrust.org.uk/bereavement-support/seeking-bereavement-counselling/

memaymamo Sun 17-Nov-19 10:25:32

It sounds tactless in the extreme, but I'm afraid objectively speaking you do seem to be overreacting. I don't think that comment is a valid reason for cutting someone off.

If you just don't like the woman and want go avoid interactions with her, that's another story.

Thehop Sun 17-Nov-19 10:26:02

Yes cousins wife sounds a bit crap but it’s honestly your mother I’d be avoiding.

fedup21 Sun 17-Nov-19 10:26:16

Your mum should never had told you that.

When did your cousins wife say this to your grandma? Your OP suggests it was at a birthday party you didn’t go to (because you were travailing to heal) a month after your grandma had died? But you said that the comment was said TO your grandma?

MrsMaiselsMuff Sun 17-Nov-19 10:27:56

You're not unreasonable to feel the way you do about your cousin, but I'd agree with above that some people have no idea of the pain that baby loss can cause.

If you did want to address it, and if you thought it would be something your grandma might appreciate, you could get a Christmas ornament that is in memory of your baby, and give it to grandma? My grandma isn't with us anymore but she'd have really appreciated that, unlike the rest of my family who are more like your cousin.

Do what is right for you, but don't distance yourself from others who do love you and understand the loss you have been through.

MRex Sun 17-Nov-19 10:28:30

@fedup21 - OP said the event happened a month after her baby died, not grandma.

pinkdelight Sun 17-Nov-19 10:29:06

Honestly I think your mum shouldn't have passed that on as it was bound to wound and fester and it may sound worse than it was, out of context. Obviously it's an awful thing to say but anything passed on can be a distortion and it wasn't intended for your ears. Your mother could have saved you this additional hurt by saying something to the cousin then and there and drawing a line under it instead of causing this ongoing hurt. And now she's the one pushing you to spend time with the cousin. I think if I were you I'd have to say something to the cousin now to get it out there and clear the air rather than let it grow into this debilitating rift. Not an argument or accusation, more - look, my mum told me this thing and I can't get over it and need to know why you said it because it's still causing me pain. Take your mum out of the equation and use your own agency. It won't be easy but I don't think isolating yourself from family events is the answer as it gives her and the comment so much more power as opposed to taking some control. Most likely she will say she's forgotten it or denying saying it but even so, the bad feelings will be gnawing at her then and not you. You shouldn't be the one to suffer for this.

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