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MiL keeps crashing my holidays

(118 Posts)
anamasifk Sat 16-Nov-19 23:35:46

I moved to UK when I got married, leaving my family back home. I’m lucky though because I get to fly back and visit them a couple of times a year. The problem I’m having is my MiL is treating my trips home as an opportunity to Tag along and go on a holiday. It’s pretty much become an annual thing, despite my efforts to avoid her coming. I used to invite her out of politeness at the start of our marriage but when I realized she’ll never say no I stopped. She then told my hubby to tell me to invite her. I forgot to mention I live with her. And she has two daughters and 5 grandchildren here in the UK but she never goes over to theirs.
The reason I’m hesitating to speak to my husband about it is because he has a great relationship with my parents and I don’t want to jeopardize that. Also whenever they come to visit me in the UK they stay with us.

AIBU to resent my MiL for gatecrashing my quality time with my family? How should I approach this situation?

Elieza Sat 16-Nov-19 23:37:43

You could say that “this time I’m just going to go to my parents alone but the next time in xxx month we could go together if that suits? “

ILiveInSalemsLot Sat 16-Nov-19 23:40:45

Can you just book it without telling her? Then tell her closer to the time and say that you wanted to go alone, or just with the kids this time.
It’s ridiculous that she tags along every time. It changes the dynamic of your visit completely.

ILiveInSalemsLot Sat 16-Nov-19 23:43:00

And it doesn’t matter if your dh has a great relationship with your parents. The fact that you want to spend time alone with them shouldn’t jeopardise that.
Your dh should understand.

Ginfordinner Sat 16-Nov-19 23:45:23

Don't tell her you are going until it is too late for her to book flights.

Cohle Sat 16-Nov-19 23:49:31

I'd be polite but blunt about it, rather than trying to prevaricate or avoid addressing the issue. "^MIL I'd actually really love it if this trip could just be me and my family so we could have some one on one time. Thanks so much for being so good about it, I knew I could rely on you to be understanding^."

BreadSauceHmm Sat 16-Nov-19 23:53:45

You could tell her after you've booked it OR do a stopover at a cheapish destination first and just say your having a romantic getaway there and mention the second destination to her on your return.

FYI just for future reference: With in laws generally, it's best not to start something if you don't want it to become a regular thing I've been there.

DartmoorChef Sun 17-Nov-19 00:00:21

If your parents always stay at her house with you when they visit I assume she thinks it's fair for them to return the favour.

Does she get on well with your parents?

VenusTiger Sun 17-Nov-19 00:05:04

When they come to visit you they stay with you, and you live with your MIL? That’s an issue too though right?
Can they stay in a hotel or rented accommodation that you and DH can stay in with them?
Why are you living with your MIL anyway? Is there a good reason for this or is your DH too scared to leave home?
This can only really be solved if you and DH move out and have your own life. You can jump on a plane and see your family whenever you like then, without having to tell DH’s mommy.

anamasifk Sun 17-Nov-19 00:24:19

Ive tried that. She booked last minute tickets anyway.

ambereeree Sun 17-Nov-19 00:39:33

You have to move out and separate your lives a little.

PotteringAlong Sun 17-Nov-19 00:50:09

Move out. You need boundaries here that are not one big massive group all moving together

ineedaholidaynow Sun 17-Nov-19 00:53:24

Is it cultural why you live with your MIL?

fit4more Sun 17-Nov-19 00:55:26

Why are you living with her?? That’s my idea of hell, I get on well with my MIL but wouldn’t ever live with her. Move out and live on your own?

Llamalover25 Sun 17-Nov-19 01:00:47

Moving out is a whole other issue altogether 🤦🏻‍♀️ I live with her coz she’s been a single mum and so her kids are super attached to her and hubby being the only son feels its his duty to take care of her. Moving out won’t happen anytime soon.
Booking “last minute” tickets also doesn’t work because she has booked tickets to come along a day before my flight. She gets on well with my parents but she’s the kind of person who gets on well with anyone.

Hithere2 Sun 17-Nov-19 01:01:36

Another vote foe living without MIL and telling her not to join your trips

Jux Sun 17-Nov-19 01:17:43

So, you tell her you need some time with just your parents and siblings. That is completely understandable, so she really shouldn't object.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 17-Nov-19 01:30:39

I also think you need to move out even if it means moving away. Maybe that’s why her children moved away - to get away as she has poor boundaries?

BoomBoomsCousin Sun 17-Nov-19 01:37:02

Do your parents mind her tagging along with you every time?

Since you live with her and your family stay in her home when they visit I can see it being pretty awkward to actually tell her she isn't welcome every time.

When she's booked last minute tickets did she do that despite you saying you wanted time with just your parents or did you play it off as a "ohh woops, I thought you knew, must have slipped my mind to tell you!" type of thing? To some extent she must know that it's not entirely what you want since she had to ask her son to tell you to invite her.

Could you arrange a trip that's just you and parents going somewhere else? That would make it much more unreasonable for her to tag along. Otherwise, if you really want time without her there, I think your options are to book only once you know your MiL has something scheduled that she won't change or biting the bullet and actually telling her she isn't welcome every time (as nicely as possible) then dealing with the fallout.

The issue with your DH feeling duty-bound to live with her because she was a single parent and acquiescing to "telling you" to invite her on trips to your parents might need a bit of unpacking too - it heavily hints at you having a DH problem as much as a MiL one.

TheMaddHugger Sun 17-Nov-19 01:44:33

@Llamalover25 Sun 17-Nov-19 01:00:47

Name change fail sweetie.
((Hugs))

Hithere2 Sun 17-Nov-19 01:46:26

You have a dh problem. MIL is just a side effect.

HouseworkAvoider10 Sun 17-Nov-19 01:50:13

You need to move out.
And as above; the MIL is just a red herring.

bipbop Sun 17-Nov-19 01:58:09

Move out.

Ponoka7 Sun 17-Nov-19 02:08:02

Your DP is always going to feel this obligation and it won't be fun to live with a man who won't cut the apron strings.

How old are you both? If over 23, then you need to reevaluate if you want this three way relationship.

Do not get pregnant.

Bluerussian Sun 17-Nov-19 02:28:35

Don't tell her in advance when you're going, say you're not sure when and then decided at the last minute. I can't imagine why she feels she can tag along with you. She's probably very nice but it really is not on. You need to be able to visit your family on your own. There's nothing to stop her going to UK to visit her family there, without you.

When your parents visit you I'm sure they don't bring others with them.

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