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AIBU to be hurt by this? DH fight.

(45 Posts)
Habeebah Sat 16-Nov-19 22:24:52

I’m really upset. Last week DH and I had an argument - when we get really heated we can both say things we don’t mean (although we argue rarely) but in this argument he said to me “the women I was supposed to marry died” - now I know when he was in school over 10 years ago he had a girlfriend who died and we had spoken about her before we married when we were just friends and he had said that she died, but from how he had spoken about her I thought of it as a kids relantionship and it never crossed my mind.

But now he suddenly brings it from nowhere. I always assumed I was his first love and his first everything ... AIBU to be hurt by this?

We spoke about it again tonight because it’s been on my mind all week and he has brushed it off as if it’s nothing and that I am being dramatic. But honestly it’s really disturbing me and I am really hurt, AIBU???

slipperywhensparticus Sat 16-Nov-19 22:28:28

Yanbu I had a relationship with a guy who lost a girlfriend when they were teenagers it was impossible to compete with her she was dead! He glorified her to the degree no one else came close its was ten years prior his friends told me she was nice but not as nice as he was making out she was perfectly normal not a saint but 🤷‍♀️

RosieCockle Sat 16-Nov-19 22:29:42

Red flag for me. How old are you both?

Habeebah Sat 16-Nov-19 22:32:54

We’re both 30. Have two children and are happily married. This literally came from nowhere in the heat of the moment, but now has me worried that he has held that inside - listen I wouldn’t of minded if he had painted the image of he had a girlfriend and loved her and saw his life with her and she died .. but he never did and hasn’t mentioned her in our 7 years of marriage, not once!!!

He is a great husband and father and has never been unfaithful to me or made me ever feel I’m not his world, so I guess that is why this is messing with my head even more!

RedLipstickHighHeels Sat 16-Nov-19 22:36:43

It’s not a red flag at all.its a heated irascible comment which may or may not be true
The fact of it is the ex is dead. He has a v live wife and 2 kids
I’d not be preoccupied by a remark in a heated argument.

GnomeDePlume Sat 16-Nov-19 23:02:00

when we get really heated we can both say things we don’t mean

This struck me. You have each given yourselves permission to say things you dont mean (but I assume in the moment are intended to hurt). By doing this you are both playing with fire. You have both run the risk of crossing a boundary.

You need to look at how you both communicate including in fights and stop giving yourselves permission to hurt the other.

littlepaddypaws Sat 16-Nov-19 23:06:33

considering it's not been mentioned in 7 years of marriage i doubt it was THE big relationship he makes it out to be, i wouldn't worry about it if i was you.

RedLipstickHighHeels Sat 16-Nov-19 23:07:31

In a verbal fight people can and do say inflammatory,exaggerated or untrue things to provoke a reaction, mood match, fight back if feeling attacked. This is wholly normal
In a Verbal fight there are generally not off limits or don’t go there topics
And certainly usually not pre-agreed rules of engagement and conduct
Of course boundaries are crossed in a verbal altercation,that’s the point
It’s about testing boundaries,^do I want to return to you,can we fix this?^

Ohyesiam Sat 16-Nov-19 23:08:00

I would persist in talking b to him about it. It c want to know of her said it because it’s true, or just to would me in the argument.
A pp was right even they said you could look at changing your conflict style too.

Habeebah Sat 16-Nov-19 23:11:08

@GnomeDePlume yes you are very right. We need to have boundaries when arguing. We both hate this about eachother but unfortunately we can both be hot headed in arguments - and i fear it’s become a habit that may be hard to change.

I guess you are all right. Maybe it was just one of those things he said to hurt me, but if it was it definitely has and now I’m thoroughly overthinking it.

I also feel like tonight he didn’t respond in a way that could of helped eradicate any worry in my mind. If he would of said babe don’t be silly your my one and only, I may be feeling a bit differently right now. But his brush off attitude just made me feel like he wasn’t acknowledging the hurt he caused and trying to fix it by putting my mind at ease.

RedLipstickHighHeels Sat 16-Nov-19 23:12:42

As a general conflict style (terrible phraseology) is hard wired it’s embedded in personality traits
Sure we take the edge of it in work or socially (compelled to do so) but in deep emotional relationships such as a partner ones consistent pattern emerges

It really isn’t so bad to argue.its just we are socially conditioned esp women not to argue
So long as it’s not habitual at majority of time
And uncomfortable as it is, when having a verbal altercation people so things for max effect and to have impact.

WagtailRobin Sat 16-Nov-19 23:16:48

You were arguing, tempers were flared, he wanted to get the upper hand to annoy you, he said the thing he knew would knock you for six the most.

You admit yourself you also say things you don't mean in arguments, we are all guilty of it. It is not a "red flag" in the slightest because the reality is she is dead, he married you and had children with you and even IF he desperately meant what he said, it's a pointless desire because he can't have her on account of her demise.

I know it is hard @Habeebah but please do try not to let it drag you down, you have him and that's all that really matters.

Habeebah Sat 16-Nov-19 23:29:51

@RedLipstickHighHeels that makes sense. Thank you for saying this as it makes me feel better to know that it is normal.

@wagtailrobin I appreciate your kind words and I suspect your are correct in what you said. I am the type of person that holds on to things long after an argument - and because to me this was so shocking, I think it will take me a while to get over it.

I’m just finding it hard to be normal around him at the moment, I’m an awful overthinker and it’s just had me questioning a lot of things. Hopefully I will be able to overcome this soon.

RedLipstickHighHeels Sat 16-Nov-19 23:33:50

As you say you have an otherwise happy stable marriage, an irascible row shouldn’t define you both
And as indelicate as it is,this ex,she’s dead. You’re not

LimeRedBanana Sat 16-Nov-19 23:51:27

I always find Mumsnet to be a bit of a window to another world, and this is another example, for me.

I don't think purposely saying things that are very deliberately designed to be hurtful to someone you love, is normal.

It's not normal to me, anyway. I didn't hear that growing up. And I would hate to argue like that with my DH, or indeed anyone I liked.

Your husband said that - probably not because he meant it (so, from that perspective, you might as well move on from it) - but because he wanted to hurt you.

So while you can probably move on from the specific comment, you will understandably struggle to move on from the intent behind the comment. Your DH wanted to hurt you, cause you pain. He nailed it, didn't he?

Can you try to change your mode of arguing, by example?

Recognise that you're about to blow, and walk away? Tell your DH that this is what you're going to be doing in future, so that he doesn't just thinking you're storming off, and so will follow you, to keep pressing your buttons.

I don't think continuing with this is something that contributes to a loving, supportive, mutually satisfying long-term relationship.

RedLipstickHighHeels Sun 17-Nov-19 00:24:02

I don't think purposely saying things that are very deliberately designed to be hurtful to someone you love, is normal It’s not abnormal,it really isn’t

It’s not abnormal if in context of an argument in an otherwise harmonious and equal relationship. arguing is fierce precisely because it matters,people care

As humans we run a gamut and range of emotions and we are most exposed when we are invested or care about the topic and or the people in the argument. Hence the old maxim Applies
don’t argue about
Politics
Religion

Modern topics best not to argue about
Faith schools
Sahm or working
Private or state school
Environment
Urban Cyclists

Can you try to change your mode of arguing, by example? why?

Arguing often isn’t logical it’s raw,it’s an extension of ourselves

@LimeRedBanana I’m genuinely surprised you didn’t encounter emotional arguing for impact whilst growing up. It’s v common and overall if not habitual it’s harmless

LimeRedBanana Sun 17-Nov-19 01:15:30

I encountered arguing (I'm a sibling!), and disagreeing. Everyone does.

What I didn't encounter, was people (my parents, say) being deliberately unkind to each other, or saying things designed to be hurtful.

They liked each other, like DH and I do. We disagree, we're just not unkind to each other.

So while it may be 'normal' for some people, it definitely isn't everyone's 'normal'.

^ Can you try to change your mode of arguing, by example?^

why?

Because the OP doesn't like it, and is upset by it...? confused Normally, if you're not happy with something, you try to improve, or change, it. Maybe that's why she's posted about it?

Or, you know, just carry on. No skin off mine, after all.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 17-Nov-19 01:20:44

I've been married a long time, and you don't seem "happily married" to me, at all. Fighting and deliberately saying things to hurt each other is not the hallmark of a healthy marriage. It's immature, vindictive and petty.

RedLipstickHighHeels Sun 17-Nov-19 01:28:57

Fighting and deliberately saying things to hurt each other is not the hallmark of a healthy marriage.

Depends

If the fighting is habitual,repeated and it’s a dysfunctional relationship then it’s unhealthy

If in an otherwise harmonious balanced relationship there is arguing and in the context of argument,unkind,abrasive blunt exchange occurs that is really all about the moment,the argument. Not a true reflection of the relationship

LimeRedBanana Sun 17-Nov-19 01:36:17

So your advice to the OP is, essentially: it's fine, just put up with it.

RedLipstickHighHeels Sun 17-Nov-19 01:38:23

No that’s your advice I’ve said no such thing

steff13 Sun 17-Nov-19 01:41:43

when we get really heated we can both say things we don’t mean

You both need to stop doing this and learn to fight fair.

Motoko Sun 17-Nov-19 01:47:07

I have to say, I agree with Aquamarine and LimeRedBanana. Deliberately saying something hurtful to the person you love, is neither normal, or healthy. It's not the sign of a healthy relationship.

Just feeling strongly about something, doesn't give you the right to be nasty.

LimeRedBanana Sun 17-Nov-19 01:48:45

* No that’s your advice I’ve said no such thing*

How is it my advice? confused

It's exactly what you're saying. You're completely downplaying it, saying it's normal, and there's no need to change.

MashedSpud Sun 17-Nov-19 01:51:16

I’m assuming you don’t argue in front of your dc so try and apply that restraint when alone too. Explain you’re feeling crap about x and you don’t want to argue and how can it be resolved? If it starts to get heated walk away.

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