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Dh in his own world

(102 Posts)
Flossie44 Sat 16-Nov-19 21:15:35

Tell me if I’m unreasonable....

I have 3 children, but two living at home. One has severe, critical health needs. I spend my day caring for her, and maintaining her airways basically. It’s really stressful. I miss working but have to care for dd.
Dh goes to work. Comes home, showers, I serve dinner. He then lie straight on to the sofa and falls asleep.
On the weekends, he plays golf one day, and goes mountain biking the other day. He then, again, sleeps on the sofa in the evenings.

I feel SOOOOOOO lonely. I long for evenings together, watching a film. Chatting while watching tv etc. But instead I’m sat alone while he snores.
I’ve mentioned this to him. I’ve tried to explain. But he says he’s tired so is happy to doze on the sofa. I can see that. And I feel bad for bringing it up. But I feel soo useless and worthless. Surely if he was in the throes of first romance, he wouldn’t do this?! He constantly says he loves me which is lovely BUT I just want to be shown!!

Am I being a diva?? Am I asking too much??

Wattagoose90 Sat 16-Nov-19 21:29:44

When do you get any down time?!

It's really selfish behaviour, particularly on weekends. Does he help with childcare at all?

I think it's time to lay down some boundaries and that will only come through sitting down and talking about how his behaviour makes you feel. He can't spend every weekend doing his own thing, it's not fair on you or your children. If he doesn't then realise how unreasonable he is, he's an idiot.

1Morewineplease Sat 16-Nov-19 21:30:30

Why is your husband playing golf and cycling all weekend? Particularly as he is working all week? Why is he not wanting to be with his family? Why has he let you do the primary care of your poorly child at the weekend?
He sounds like an almost absent father.
I really feel for you and sorry that you have a poorly child that needs so much attention.
To be honest, I’m flabbergasted at your husband’s attitude to family life. He is clearly living a single life while you prop everything else up.
I’m not surprised that you feel helpless and worthless... he’s made you feel like that.

You really do both need to talk about this but I suspect you’ll get the same response as he’s already quoted to you.

Is there anyway that he could take over duties at the weekend and let you have some time out?

Oh my lovely 💐

GeneHuntLover Sat 16-Nov-19 21:35:14

What does he bring to this relationship, it seems he's either at work, out of the house or asleep?

weymouthswanderingmermaid Sat 16-Nov-19 21:39:01

How does he get to spend all weekend doing his hobbies? Where's your time off? He's a selfish arse, YANBU

Flossie44 Sat 16-Nov-19 21:39:26

He tells me he provides.

Flossie44 Sat 16-Nov-19 21:41:22

I can’t write in detail but my daughters case is so complex. She doesn’t make much school. Attendance is about 20%. I care full
Time. I am at breaking point. I’ve said this so many times to dh but he gets cross. I don’t think he can cope with the fact I may ruin his ‘me time’

Above all, I feel hurt that I’m not worth more to be cared for

Flossie44 Sat 16-Nov-19 21:44:01

Tonight I mentioned him falling asleep. He’s got so cross saying I’ve ruined the evening because I wouldn’t let him ‘Be’.

bluebeck Sat 16-Nov-19 21:45:48

YANBU

He sounds awfully selfish. sad

Wattagoose90 Sat 16-Nov-19 21:47:27

But you're not getting any of your own "me time", never mind couple time. It sounds like less of a marriage and more of an arrangement to live under the same roof.

If he struggles to hear it, could you write it down for him to read?

I'm all for giving blokes the benefit of the doubt, but I don't have any nice things to say about your other half.

Flossie44 Sat 16-Nov-19 21:51:15

Maybe I’ll
Email him. When I try and talk he just gets cross. I’ll
Email him maybe. I feel needy asking him
For time with him. And maybe if he isn’t choosing time with me, then why should I even want it!! He does say he loves me etc a lot. But I need to be shown. Then he calls me needy

Cherrysoup Sat 16-Nov-19 21:51:18

When do you ever get ‘me’ time?

My bf’s DH worked permanent nights and was forever dozing in the evening. She begged him to swap jobs (hardly a career, just a minimum wage job). He wouldn’t. She divorced him.

WinifredTorrance Sat 16-Nov-19 21:51:49

Would he know how to care for your daughter if you weren’t there? Do you have friends? Maybe think about arranging a night away with friends - you need some time to yourself. He would then need to take some responsibility and it may help him to recognise and appreciate how difficult things are for you.

NoSauce Sat 16-Nov-19 21:57:34

This isn’t a partnership OP. He’s taking the piss. When do you get any time out? Enjoyment? That’ll be never. A good husband wouldn’t be treating you like this.

Flossie44 Sat 16-Nov-19 21:58:54

To be honest.. it’s my need to be loved. Not to just be told. But to be shown. For him
To want to spend time with me. To choose me Over his hobbies.

No he gets nervous if he has to ever look after dd and I have to set up everything ready for him to do so

GettingABitDesperateNow Sat 16-Nov-19 22:01:56

I think looking after a very ill child is much harder than most paid jobs.

Its fundamentally unfair that he gets 1 pr 2 days of hobby time a week and you get none. He provides money, but you also provide - life giving care for your daughter and a home life that enables him to keep working. If he really thinks working is harder then offer to swap or go back to work and get a carer in or both go part time or shift work and cover her care between you (eg weekend and evening work). I know this wouldn't actually happen, but realising what he has to lose might actually shock him into changing

GrumpyHoonMain Sat 16-Nov-19 22:02:08

You need to leave first thing in the morning on a Saturday before he wakes up and not return until late Sunday. Force him to parent. He’s currently opting out of family life and you absolutely shouldn’t let him.

Thehop Sat 16-Nov-19 22:05:28

I’d be very tempted by @GrumpyHoonMain idea

Mamia15 Sat 16-Nov-19 22:10:02

Fuck this shit.

Why does his need for hobbies trumps those of his family?!

You both should have equal amount of child free leisure time.

Don't forget that by looking after DC you are enabling him to work and provide.

Provincialbelle Sat 16-Nov-19 22:10:10

Is this even for real? A man with a child who can’t breathe spending the entire weekend larking about on a blasted golf course and mountain biking? What do his family think? If any of us had been so ill my dad would have spent every spare minute attending to us and would have had to have been forced to take a break

Mamabear4180 Sat 16-Nov-19 22:13:16

He says he loves you but actions speak louder than words. YANBU at all. I couldn’t cope with this!

Alicia1234 Sat 16-Nov-19 22:16:24

You don't have a marriage.

Alicia1234 Sat 16-Nov-19 22:20:58

And I would probably take a closer look at those golf, biking trips.

lexiepuppy Sat 16-Nov-19 22:25:51

How much outside support are you getting with your daughter and situation?

Your husband is a useless lump and is using his work as a tool to control you, my ex narcissistic husband used to say the same thing. My daughter had a kidney disease and was very ill.

Can you get any support from your daughters hospital or family and friends?

Can anyone else speak to your husband about how stretched you are feeling and that he is not helping and giving you a break.
I hope you can get some support, I feel for you. flowers

Sillysausageandeggs Sat 16-Nov-19 22:28:40

Honey that sounds crazy. You are being taken advantage of! You are doing unpaid labour - if you add up the hours you spend caring for others, you will see you are working more than full time. Imagine you went out to work and had to pay for a carer for your child (possibly a specialist nurse), a chef and a cleaner. What would that cost? Then see how he feels about his job as "provider"!

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