To be effin’ Furious

[Jemima1967]

I have a friend and over the past year we’ve become really close... texting most days and sharing a lot of time together... her husband is terminally ill but in remission. Today she said, “of course, when the tumour starts to regrow you will have to accept I won’t be in touch at all for about three months and then once it’s all over I’m not sure when I’ll be back in touch”
I’m a bit gobsmacked because I had imagined that when the time came I would have been some help and support for her... even if it was a simple text message of encouragement every now and then... knowing that at some point in the future I’m going to be blanked (for good reasons in her mind, I know) for possibly 4-6 months possibly longer makes me want to give up on the friendship now...

[MuchBetterNow]

Really? Cause it's all about you of course. Words fail me.

[imaflutteringkite]

Her DH has terminal cancer. Give her a break, this isn't about you.

[SquareAsABlock]

What? Is this serious?

[Namechangeforthiscancershit]

Seriously?

She may well want that encouragement but equally she might vanish and she is warning you of that.

It will be me not DH but I can't tell you how much this post has upset me. Why would you withdraw from her now?

[Grumpbum123]

Good god, selfish much?

[Moreisnnogedag]

Seriously it’s what she needs/wants. Don’t try and position yourself in whatever way you think is best - she 100% gets to decide

[ALemonyPea]

Why do you need encouragement?

[peanutbutterkid]

um......
can you be direct? Say
"But I WANT to be around & support you no matter how bad things get"

Maybe she's unsure how to ask you if you can really be there for her. Better to plan to cope on her own than have someone let her down.

[SquareAsABlock]

Just did a search on the OP, they seem to have form for this type of post....

[rowrowrowyaboat]

I hear what shes saying, but its possible the opposite may happen. She'l be all over the place at the min, and just venting what could happen. I say this as my husband has terminal cancer too, dont be furious, be kind.

[HollowTalk]

Hmm. That's a really odd thing for her to say.

[Jemima1967]

I have form?
I do struggle with relationships and was hoping posting here would help me see if I am being unreasonable... seems I am and I’m grateful for the feedback.

[MyNewBearTotoro]

I think YABU. It’s unsurprising she feels right now that when things hit crisis point and her partner is dying she won’t have time or energy to focus on anything but him. Of course when the time comes it’s likely that she’ll find the reality quite different and will be glad of supportive friends as living and breathing her husbands terminal illness 24/7 would leave her drained without any support, but she might just see that she will be all consumed by caring for him and later grieving for him and maybe can’t see how she’d possibly find anytime to talk to friends.

I would just take what she says with a pinch of salt and accept she’s probably not thinking clearly or objectively and is unable to see how things may be outside of the grief which she imagines will be all-consuming. I think your plan to send her supportive messages is a sound one, it may be she finds she really needs a friend and reciprocates and looks to talk with you or she may just read them and go back to her husband but I think you will just have to see how she feels when the time comes and accept whatever it is that gets her through. She shouldn’t feel guilty for having friends or seeking support from them but when loved ones are so ill it can be hard not to feel intense guilt when you get respite from the situation or do something for yourself knowing the person who is unwell can’t escape their situation. I think you need to try and put yourself in her shoes and show some empathy.

[Jemima1967]

Hollowtalk - thank you. I thought so too.. seems I’m in the minority though..

[user1480880826]

She might feel totally differently when the time comes. We can’t possibly predict how the death of a partner will affect us.

But it would be totally fine for her to deal with it by not contacting you. That is up to her. You need to support her decision.

[MuchBetterNow]

I don't think she wants to be friends with you.

[iano]

I think she's trying to forewarn you that she might struggle and might need space. The way she's phrased it is odd. Your reaction is being effing furious is hugely dramatic. Anger seems very inappropriate in the circumstances.

[bloodywhitecat]

There is nothing to stop you sending her the occasional message but she might not want to respond. She is being honest about how she feels about it all right now but, the truth is, no-one knows how they are going to cope in that situation until they are in the midst of it.

[JusticeForSandra]

Blimey, with someone reacting like that, you wonder why she would need to distance herself to deal with her REAL problems and her REAL friends!

You are not a friend OP. And not a very pleasant individual either.

[Sallyseagull]

YABVVVVU.

Let her do whatever she wants and deal with her situation however she wants. God, I would want to shut off from the world after that too.

[Jemima1967]

Well of course I haven’t expressed any anger to her - that’s why I came on here.. so that I can judge what would be an appropriate response and take myself in hand... when she told me I just said “ok, if that’s what you want, but I will always be here for you if you change your mind at any point ..”

[Pipandmum]

Most people who lose a spouse or family member find that people disappear or don't know what to say and consequently they feel almost abandoned so I find it odd she's saying now she will be out if touch, perhaps permanently. How does she know how she'll feel? She may really need your support. I lost my husband (unexpectedly though) and after the initial time I did feel that I needed more people around not less.
One thing is please do not say 'let me know if I can do anything'. That really is no help at all. It puts the onus on the person to ask for help and people are really reluctant to do that. Be definite: 'I can take your kids out for the day if you need some time' or 'let me take your dog for walks/have him over for a few days' or 'I'll make a few dinners you can stick in the freezer' etc etc.

[Moondancer73]

Sorry, what??

[WorldEndingFire]

Might be the grief talking. People say and do strange things at times like this. She may also be testing boundaries to check that you're a safe person to depend on. Poor woman. If the friendship is worth it, stick at it.