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Women shouldn’t have careers...

(274 Posts)
Jadefeather7 Thu 14-Nov-19 14:19:13

Controversial title but hear me out.

Since I was a child I was always pushed to do well academically. My parents invested a lot in my education (financially and time wise) in the hope that I could have a good career & standard of living. My mother told me that she always resented being a SAHM and wanted her daughters to be working and independent. She told me how her mother refused to take on paid childcare when she asked her to retire early but she said she would help her daughters so that their lives would be different, especially as unlike her, her daughters had gone into higher education.

I’m now in a position where I have a great career but it involves working long hours. I’m on maternity leave and find myself pregnant again. I plan to go back for a few months before my next mat leave in order to stay on top of things. As I think about how I will manage I do feel quite stressed.

I have an hour long commute (there are no local jobs in my area) and I work with young, (mostly) single, childless people who have no lives outside of work. The expectation is that everyone puts in long hours. I don’t really want further profession and responsibility at this stage but I don’t want to be taking the piss either (which is what they would see doing 9-5 as)

I’m trying to figure out childcare. I think a nanny would be best although finding someone who will do a fixed term contract is tricky. My husband is against the idea because he thinks it’s throwing money down the drain. It’s a lot of money but I feel like it’s worth it to maintain my career in the long run. His job is very pressurised as well. He wants us to use a childminder. I know that would mean extra stress for me as I would have to try to rush back to do pick ups, laundry, meals etc.

I was talking to my mum about going back to work and she started trying to put me off and told me that I should become a SAHM or take an extended career break (which she knows is career suicide).I felt really upset that after everything she had dreamed off for me, that she would say that.

Most of the women I know who have demanding careers have had a lot of support from their families. I know however that there are so many of you on here who manage with paid childcare, but my mum keeps making me doubt that it’s possible. If you are one those, please tell me it’s possible?

I really love my job. It was a huge part of my life for 10 years and I feel like my family don’t value it.

I’m starting to feel like women can’t have ‘careers’ and only suit having ‘jobs’. Plenty of people seem to manage somehow doing part time 9-5 jobs.

Was it a silly idea to put so much into my education and end up in this sort of career? I feel like all my hard work will end up just being a waste of time.

blackteasplease Thu 14-Nov-19 14:24:33

What does he mean it’s miney down the drain? That’s bullshit. Nanny is clearly your only viable option and a good one.

Jadefeather7 Thu 14-Nov-19 14:25:42

@blackteasplease He sees it as just throwing away money when there’s a cheaper childminder option.

blackteasplease Thu 14-Nov-19 14:25:45

Women can have careers and children but good childcare (if both men and women work) is pricey! But the baby will be equally his responsibility. Why doesn’t he go to 9-5 and do childminder pickups?

AryaStarkWolf Thu 14-Nov-19 14:25:58

Sorry but it sounds like your DH is trying to dictate childcare but not planning on picking up any of the slack that his personal choice will cause? Why is that only your responsibility and his?

blackteasplease Thu 14-Nov-19 14:26:24

Yes - he is happy to put all the strain of pickups on you isnt he?

AryaStarkWolf Thu 14-Nov-19 14:26:37

*not his

Celebelly Thu 14-Nov-19 14:26:41

It's only money down the drain if your time/career isn't important to him. Presumably it's you who will suffer with just a childminder and not him.

Jadefeather7 Thu 14-Nov-19 14:27:23

The reason is because his career is more important because he wants to progress, whereas I am happy to continue in my mid management role.

Celebelly Thu 14-Nov-19 14:27:44

What's his input to laundry, meals, drop-offs and pick-ups? Why is that your problem to solve?

ChilledBee Thu 14-Nov-19 14:28:08

I think you do have to bear in mind that many high paying jobs are not family friendly and this makes them unwelcoming to women because they do most childcare. But that's the only reason why - you can circumvent this by maintaining the expectation that both parents are equally responsible for pick ups and drop offs, night feeds and everything. Right from day 1. If you allow your husband to sleep through every night or operate on a shift system where he actually does the occasional evening where you sleep through the best part of the day for you to socialise, then you're making that rod for your back and you might as well kiss all that hard work goodbye from now and get your apron on.

So if you want a chance at avoiding career regression, speak now to your husband about how he will utilise his parental rights to work hours that are conducive to him parenting. Make sure you're both up with the babies. Even if you're BF, he can be up to help settle the baby afterwards.

Make sure he does housework and can cook decent food. Make sure he knows how to use the washing machine. Make it clear that he is a father, not another child for you to raise.

Then when you've got yourself a proper partner and co-parent, having a career will seem achievable.

Jadefeather7 Thu 14-Nov-19 14:29:25

He says he will do those thing when I’m back at work but I doubt it. He will be too busy. It will end up falling on me. It’s that fear which makes me want to go for a nanny so at least the baby stuff is all dealt with.

ChilledBee Thu 14-Nov-19 14:29:26

What's his input to laundry, meals, drop-offs and pick-ups? Why is that your problem to solve?
Because she's stupidly assumed responsibility for that all along.

BabyGsMummynow Thu 14-Nov-19 14:29:51

I have a career, highly pressured and manage to progress with a little one still. Little to No family support so rely on nursery. It is a juggle whichever route you choose when working full time with children but it can happen in my experience

ChilledBee Thu 14-Nov-19 14:30:40


Tell him to start today or get out so you can get on with parenting alone without having the burden of someone else's useless son (him) cluttering up your life.

HundredMilesAnHour Thu 14-Nov-19 14:30:40

The reason is because his career is more important because he wants to progress, whereas I am happy to continue in my mid management role.

That should be irrelevant. It's his child too. He needs to pull his weight or agree to pay for 50% of the cost of a nanny.

Celebelly Thu 14-Nov-19 14:31:04

Then if he is too busy to do his share of household duties then it's up to him to find cover for that. If he won't pay for a nanny to help cover his portion of the responsibilities, then he has to find another solution, not just assume you will pick up any slack.

AlexaShutUp Thu 14-Nov-19 14:31:10

I have a career, but I also have a DH who pulls his weight. We had a nanny when dd was younger. It's entirely doable, but not if your dh is a twat/thinks that children are not his responsibility.

TrexDrip Thu 14-Nov-19 14:31:25

Why can’t one of you go part time ? My husband and I both worked full time and then adopted 2 under 2 a few years ago. I was more career orientated so he decided to go part time. A marriage works both ways.
Or both of you could try flex working? I now do my 35 hours during the week (more like 40-50 but you get my drift) and finish work 90% of the time at 12 on a Friday. Each of you could try to drop a day and then you only have 3 days to sort out childcare for.

LemonTT Thu 14-Nov-19 14:32:01

Seriously both you and your husband sound completely out of touch. Neither of you should go into management. Both of you should stay at home and allow the workplace to progress.

ChilledBee Thu 14-Nov-19 14:32:23

The reason is because his career is more important because he wants to progress, whereas I am happy to continue in my mid management role.

Tough. He has a kid now. He will have to leave his management dreams for later on if he cant be an involved dad and progress in his career like many single mothers manage to do. Maybe he just hasn't got what it takes. Tell him as much..

MyMajesty Thu 14-Nov-19 14:33:12

Your DH is being monstrously selfish and inconsiderate towards you, especially as you will be pregnant while coping with your stressful career.
Ask how he is going to support you if the cheaper option is chosen.
If he's not going to pick up the slack, get a nanny.

MysweetAudrina Thu 14-Nov-19 14:33:17

I am a mother to 5 children and have worked full time since I was 21. I have no family support other than my dh. In that time i have gotten my professional accountancy qualification and last week I was promoted to Head of Function which I got to by being promoted 5 times since I started. I have used childminders and I am definitely getting a cleaner in the next couple of weeks as I will be expected to work longer hours until I am up to speed in my new area. My youngest children are 11 and 10 so really I only have a few more years of childcare fees and then I will be able to put that money away to pay for their further education. It is tough and it is hard to spread yourself across everyone and everything that demands your attention. What has worked for me is getting up at 6am, driving to work and doing a yoga class from 7-8. That way I get to spend the first hour of the day on me and my well being and then I don't mind being at everyone elses beck and call for the remainder of the day. It also had the added bonus of not having to get the kids up in the morning which dh does.

Nixen Thu 14-Nov-19 14:34:06

Probably should have thought about all this before getting pregnant again so quickly surely? Yep it will be tough but that’s what happens when you have 2 children so close together frankly.

embarassednewname Thu 14-Nov-19 14:35:08

You have a DH problem. Dump him, get a nanny and he'll have to have the baby a few days a week giving you a break
Or continue to be doormat and keep blaming your mother for your problems.
Or get a new job!!! do you realize how privileged you are to have an education and a profession? You could quit and find a 9-5 job.

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