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To send this text to my Mil?

(119 Posts)
PandaAtTheZoo Thu 14-Nov-19 11:50:11

Mil keeps suggesting ideas for activities infront of our dc. Like the latest one is a Christmas play in her city (hour and a half drive from us) for Christmas. This isn't convenient for us because we would have to travel to mil's for it, then again on boxing day to see all the inlaws. Ideally she would like us to go to play and then stay at her house for Christmas eve until after boxing day. She hates that we have Christmas day at our house. We are also busier in December because of dc's birthday, my mums birthday and DH's annual week work trip. The annoying part is suggesting it infront of dc so I will be the one that has to say no. AIBU to be annoyed by this and how does this text sound to send to mil:

In future I think it would be best to mention day plans and trips to me and dh first and not in front of our dc. If it's not convenient or we already have plans then I'm the one that has to say no which automatically makes me the bad guy.

Or is this to direct? Should I reword it?

Endeavour1971 Thu 14-Nov-19 11:53:13

Looks perfect to me. Good luck!

DisplayPurposesOnly Thu 14-Nov-19 11:53:30

Agree your boundaries with your husband. Let him have the conversation with his mother. Personally I think this sort of thing is better done face to face.

doodleygirl Thu 14-Nov-19 11:54:30

Say yes to something

DisplayPurposesOnly Thu 14-Nov-19 11:56:11

If you really must send that text, it's we have to say no & we are the bad guys.

Whiskers14 Thu 14-Nov-19 11:57:51

Change all the 'I' references to 'we'. Otherwise it's a you versus her spat. Plus, really, your DH should be sending the text. It's his mother!

Mammatino Thu 14-Nov-19 11:58:25

Spot on! Keep it simple. She sounds like she just wants to be involved and have you around, whilst nice can be bloody annoying. Just ask DH to have a chat and agree to get calendars out, when he's done that you have a catch up too. So there's no bad feelings. Good luck.

BeyondMyWits Thu 14-Nov-19 11:59:17

Wouldn't bother. Be the bad guy.

You are their mum, you get to say no - you also get to say yes (or is that never an option?).

LucileDuplessis Thu 14-Nov-19 12:01:15

I wouldn't send this text personally. I think these things are best discussed face to face, ideally between your DH and his mum.

RiggedUpSquare Thu 14-Nov-19 12:01:18

Why isn't your DH sorting it?
I'd be less wishy washy tbh.

"MIL we enjoy visiting you
But you need to run activity plans by us first so we can check our commitments & other logistics. You should not talk about them in front of DC. You blindside us and then make us the bad guys. Don't put us in that position in future."

Drum2018 Thu 14-Nov-19 12:03:36

Add the words 'your suggested', before day plans. And agree that it should be we, not I. Send it as if it's from yourself and Dh.

Herocomplex Thu 14-Nov-19 12:05:28

I think you should get your husband to speak to her and say he knows she’d like to have Christmas Day together but that’s not what’s going to happen, you want it with your children together at your house. It’s not to make her unhappy, it’s not because you don’t want to spend time with her, it’s just your choice.

Then he can ask her not to make arrangements in front of the children, it’s not fair on them. But do plan something great with her to celebrate.

My mil would love us to be at hers for Christmas but it’s just not what we want, they’re far away, and it doesn’t work for my (adult) children. I’ve invited them to ours but they can’t because of all their commitments!

PurpleDaisies Thu 14-Nov-19 12:06:22

Get your dh to deal with it. Snotty text from DIL isn’t going to sort this out.

ActualHornist Thu 14-Nov-19 12:06:24

Why can’t your husband, her son, say something to her face?

Ask if she has any ideas next time you see her and say you’d prefer it if you could talk about it before getting the kids involved.

PandaAtTheZoo Thu 14-Nov-19 12:08:02

Dh won't sort it. He digs his head in the sand about his mums behaviour. And if he did he would not relay the message properly.

RiggedUpSquare like the way you worded it, mind if I text that instead

DowntonCrabby Thu 14-Nov-19 12:09:10

Is she a bit needy and genuinely disappointed you don’t spend Christmas with her or actually manipulative and controlling doing this in front of the DC?

It sounds like something better dealt with face to face but if she is doing it maliciously crack on and send it.

Herocomplex Thu 14-Nov-19 12:09:23

Is she generally a problem?

MaintainTheMolehill Thu 14-Nov-19 12:12:18

I wouldn't send a text. A text can be taken the wrong way, it can start a war of words and seem more serious than it is. A chat face to face explaining the kids are disappointed when you have to say no so would she mind not saying it in front of them is much better.

Teaandcrisps Thu 14-Nov-19 12:13:41

If he wont talk to his own mum send the text from your hubbys phone. I think its a blunt text coming from you so.leads me to think there is more to this? Is she over stepping in other areas?

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 14-Nov-19 12:14:19

Is the issue that she would be alone if you didn’t go?

Josette77 Thu 14-Nov-19 12:17:40

She doesn't sound like she's trying to be a problem. Is she all alone on Christmas? Do you ever say yes?

PandaAtTheZoo Thu 14-Nov-19 12:17:42

DowntonCrabby I think it's more manipulative and controlling than needyness. When she sees us she is more bothered about telling me and dh how to live our lives and gossiping about other family members than interacting with our dc. I get the vibe from her that our dc is an inconvenience. Even dh is upset she isn't that interested in our dc (it's her first grandchild too).

Herocomplex yes she is, she thinks she gets a say in every aspect of ours lives, from the big things to small things. Lots of guilt trips and passive aggressiveness

Josette77 Thu 14-Nov-19 12:18:53

Is she's not interested in your child than why is she trying to plan an activity for all of you?

MarziPam Thu 14-Nov-19 12:21:32

I don't like texts like this, however you word it it sounds like a telling off.

Whenever the play was first discussed whoever was with her should have said I'll check and get back to you.

PandaAtTheZoo Thu 14-Nov-19 12:21:36

She isn't alone in general or on Christmas day. She has a husband and 2 other children. She socialises and visits friends, is part of a weekly book club. She has 6 other family members for Christmas day

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