Boyfriend won't live with me. AIBU to dump?(114 Posts)
NC for this one. Some context: I am 28, BF is 29. I have a DD, who is 6. He has no children. We have been together for approaching 2 years.
My boyfriend has been great for the most part. He is kind, very caring with my DD, always ready to help out in anyway he can. He has helped me with DD when I have been unwell, offered me financial support, he organises trips and fun things for us to do together as a couple and with DD. He has met all of my friends and family, who for the most part like him too, except for the big elephant in the room...
For the first year of our relationship he was very keen for us to move in with one another, we currently live 1 hour and a half apart. In the first year he would send me rental properties, properties for sale, we would talk about where we would live and what our home would be like. He was the main instigator whereas I was more reserved because of DD. It was always the understanding that he would move to where me and DD are settled as she has school, friends etc. I also work for the local police so would be unable to transfer easily. He works in the middle of both of our places so the transition is much more easy for him.
In the last year he is still wonderful, as described above, but he has starting cooling down massively when it comes to living with one another. He says things like:
'I won't be able to be spontaneous with my friends anymore.'
'I'll have to be more organised when it comes to seeing my family/friends.'
'My family won't be able to pop over anymore.'
'What if my friends/family organise something last minute?'
'You'll get annoyed with me going back a lot.'
'If I commit to living with you, then it goes wrong, then what?'
He says he 'doesn't know' if he wants to live with us and will decide in time. I have tried to reassure him. Talked endlessly with him about this, his concerns, his feelings. But honestly I am fed up, he has destroyed any excitement I feel. Living together is extremely important to me, I would like to have a family unit, a partnership and more children one day. All of which he was aware of and enthusiastically agreed with in the first year of our relationship. AIBU to think that after 2 years, at our ages, he should know whether or not he wants to commit to me or not?! I am also internally pissed off and seething, I almost feel love bombed with how he was at the beginning.
It sounds like you want different things. I have had BF like that, wanted a girl friend but not the commitment.
Sounds like he doesn’t want the commitment or seriousness of being a family unit. Doesn’t sound like he wants to have a child anytime soon either. I guess you’ve got to decide whether you’re happy to accept it carrying on as is with hope he changes his mind again in the future or want to cut him loose so you have the chance of meeting someone who does want to settle down and fully commit . It’s difficult and if I were you I think if I wanted another baby I’d have that talk with him and if his priority was seeing his family loads (on his own) etc over becoming a family unit after 2 years then I’d be reconsidering staying in that relationship
His actions speak volumes, he prefers things the way they are and you will need to give him a deadline to move in (6 months?) or call it quits.
Sounds like it might be more a case of location and him not wanting to move that far away from his friends and family rather than him not actually wanting to live with you.
I almost feel love bombed with how he was at the beginning
Interesting you say that as I was wondering the same thing.
The intensity with which he was pushing the moving in line in the first year of the relationship is concerning to me. Rape silly as you have a child. It reads like someone who was trying to push things too hard too fast so you wouldn't have time to pause and evaluate.
I only really opened this thread to find out why you needed any input to end a relationship based on your title, but I can see why you'd be confused and frustrated.
The vibe I get is that he's swinging from one unhealthy extreme to this new one as a way to weaken you.
Personally, I think I'd be too concerned by his early behaviour to want to continue the relationship anyway.
HundredMilesAnHour I do think that this is the case. He has said before he would move in with us tomorrow if we found a rental property in his area. He isn't a parent so he doesn't understand school, school friends, being settled, extended family for DD and the importance of all of that. I will not move DD away from her security and comfort. I have a car, he has a motorbike so not an issue for him to go back and see his family whenever really. I am happy to spend some weekends with his family/friends, we usually do every other week as it is.
There's nothing wrong with genuinely getting cold feet, but sending rental properties and properties for sale in the first year of a relationship... In the context you've described. And then doing an about face.
Nope, not healthy, not worth the risk no matter how great he is otherwise.
It's not clear if there was love bombing in the first year, but it sounds like he wanted to move in together. What's his home set up? If he's in shared accommodation it might be that he was keen to get out of that?
I think after two years together if you both aren't in love, planning for the future and wanting the same thing then it's time to move on separately.
Is he doing the thing of being a dick so you dump him and absolve him from any guilt?
You mention him helping you out financially, that would have some people running for the hills. None of us look for that in a relationship.
* 'If I commit to living with you, then it goes wrong, then what?* He has a reasonable point here, he'll be taking the risk by moving to a new area, not you.
In answer to your AIBU to dump him? No, not at all.
He isn't a parent so he doesn't understand school, school friends, being settled, extended family for DD and the importance of all of that.
You don't need to be a parent to understand those things. It's really not difficult.
If he has that little awareness of the impact on your child, why would you want him so closely involved in her life anyway?
Despite his initial keenness with sending you details of properties, you prevaricated. It sounds like his enthusiasm has cooled off as it sounds like you don’t want to commit as you said that you were reserved, particularly as you didn’t want to disturb your daughter.
He has now cooled off as you were reluctant with the commitment in the first place.
This is a difficult one, but it sounds like he doesn’t want to compromise to be with you as you won’t compromise either. It sounds like you want him to give his current situation up to be with you on your terms.
If you don’t want to compromise then give him up.
I have almost broken up with him several times. I've had very serious conversations about my wants and wishes, our incompatibility. The last conversation we had concerning all of this, I left on a 'maybe we can continue to pursue this relationship in the future, who knows?' A few hours after I'd left he then sent me loads of messages saying he was unhappy with it being left like that, didn't want to split up with me, loved me and DD to bits just wanted to take things 'slower.'
I have compromised, within reason. I still need to be able to get to DD's school and to get to work. I have said I will move nearer to him, but I still need to be able to access the above. He is not happy with that. He wants me to move to his town, anything else and he won't be able to be 'spontaneous' and will miss out on things with friends/family, according to him.
Slower?! You’ve been together for two years.
What he’s communicating is ambivalence - and that’s not good enough. Particularly not when there’s a child involved.
So he’s prioritising the possibility of spontaneous nights out over the welfare of your child?
Yeah that would end it for me.
He doesn't want to move out of his town, wants you to go at a slower pace...I would walk away as it's all about him!
There are so many threads on here about the difficulties relationships have when people move in together later in life with 'baggage' - wildly different incomes / different numbers of children... It can sour relationships. So moving in together is not without risks. Equally, perpetually dating can be unsatisfying. You can't make him want something he doesn't want, so you need to decide what is important to you and make a decision about whether this relationship can offer that.
Just cool it, op. Regardless of how he was earlier in the relationship, atm he isn't ready to live with you. Nothing wrong with that, you are both still young and cohabiting is a very big commitment.
Just seen your update. I would concentrate on your dd. The relationship has run its course
Walk away OP. What MIGHT happen is that he'll see you're serious about keeping DD"s security front and centre...and then he'll realise that he'd rather move and be with you than lose you. OR he'll accept your choice.
Either way, you're doing the right thing by keeping DD"s stability.
I have almost broken up with him several times. I've had very serious conversations about my wants and wishes, our incompatibility
Bloody hell OP you said it! Why ask here?
If you move to his home town, you'll be at home with a child in the evenings and he will be having spontaneous nights out with his mates and leaving you to it! You will have disrupted your child's life and messed with your own career and for what exactly?
You have a bigger commitment than him, of course he should be willing to move and compromise a bit. But he isn't, which says a lot about how much he really loves you.
Splitting up doesn't mean he's an awful person, only that he isn't the right one for you. You can't stay with someone just because they are basically nice - not if you are thinking about your long term future. This one just isn't wanting to be a family man.
"He says he 'doesn't know' if he wants to live with us and will decide in time. I have tried to reassure him. Talked endlessly with him about this, his concerns, his feelings."
His concerns, his feelings. So he's the centre of
attention the conversation.
" He wants me to move to his town, anything else and he won't be able to be 'spontaneous' and will miss out on things with friends/family, according to him."
Again; his town, his friends, his family.
Dump. He is the centre of his world and you and DD are just accessories.
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