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DP thinks I’m controlling and he’s scared of me, AIBU?

(123 Posts)
Clearnightsky Wed 13-Nov-19 22:31:46

DP acts like I’m an awful person. We are separating but it’s been on and off for the past two years. I’ve never screamed at him or hit him or anything. I do try and stand firm on things that I believe are right. I’m quite headwrecked really. The person that I loved could now think this of me. He says I think I’m superior, especially as a parent. I am the main parent to our DS.

His reasons vary, however mostly it is if I object to him taking off DS to his family whenever he likes without telling me (used to happen a lot and I felt they were alienating me from our son) - or if I suggest parenting as DS has a lot of needs which I’ve really helped with - under the professional guidance of a psychologist. Apart from that I try to stay totally clear of DP and his life, I know he wants to do whatever he likes, and am pretty sure he’s seeing other women (he also used to cheat on me), as we aren’t together even though living together.

It was DP who wanted to break up. However I totally accept this now and just want to move out however he’s the earner and I’m a sahm. I’m starting to earn part time and can move in with my family until I get on my feet however he wants me to stay in the same area as him (with all his family who also think I’m controlling and that I need some kind of help).

Am I controlling? Why would he say that? I know all his family think that. My family don’t, they think I’m better off leaving.

He also says I must be like this as all his family think so, and they can’t all be wrong and why would so many people think like that if it wasn’t true?

TheBigFatMermaid Wed 13-Nov-19 22:37:35

Well, I'm pretty sure his family are just buying into his version of events, do of course they are all singing from the same hymn sheet!

Sarahlou63 Wed 13-Nov-19 22:41:21

He's trying to headfuck you and his family are backing him up because they are family.

Be PROUD of being the superior parent!! When he accuses you of it, agree with him and challenge him to become an even better parent - headfuck returned in spades grin

Jollitwiglet Wed 13-Nov-19 22:41:42

Why did you object to him taking your son to see his family?

pickingdaisies Wed 13-Nov-19 22:43:47

Yeah, he's saying that to convince you that it's all your fault, and to get you to do what he wants. Go back to your family, take no notice of what he's saying about you.

anomoony Wed 13-Nov-19 22:44:01

Look up "gaslighting".

BalanchineBallet Wed 13-Nov-19 22:46:20

How could we possibly know? He could well be gaslighting you, or you could well be controlling and have left out loads of details.

Either way, you are best off apart and living separately ASAP.

Butterymuffin Wed 13-Nov-19 22:48:24

Projecting, big time. Controlling people are, ironically, often quick to accuse others of being controlling.

He can't have it both ways, and want you to split up but you still do everything the way he wants it. It's time to go. Have confidence in yourself and in your decisions.

lookatthebabypenguin Wed 13-Nov-19 22:48:39

I’m starting to earn part time and can move in with my family until I get on my feet however he wants me to stay in the same area as him

Which person sounds controlling here? (Clue: not you)

Look up the Freedom Programme. I think it will answer your questions. You can do the course online for a tenner or go to a group for free.

If he convinces you that you're at fault then you'll do what he wants quietly. Basically.

He said he wanted to break up. But he doesn't want you to move away and hasn't moved out. Wondering if it was a controlling threat to try and get you to comply, when that didn't work he switched to this.

It's just about having power over you. Messing with your head makes that easy.

You've never screamed at him. Has he screamed at you?

Ginfordinner Wed 13-Nov-19 22:51:05

He's trying to headfuck you and his family are backing him up because they are family.

It sounds like he is gaslighting you to justify his horrible behaviour. You need to do what is right for you and your son. His needs aren't important, yours are.

Clearnightsky Wed 13-Nov-19 23:31:25

Yes he’s screamed and shouted at me, every few months, and that is what he says while he is screaming - that I’m controlling.

For the person who asked, yes truthfully I’d rather he didn’t take DS off to his family, or at least if he does I go too or it’s not all day or weekend without warning. I was fine about this until a year ago where too many incidents occurred with DS which I wasn’t told about and also they were very vocal about how awful I was when DS could hear every word. Until we separate and access sorted - I have made clear that his family are welcome anytime to the house however.

1Morewineplease Thu 14-Nov-19 00:24:20

Why does he say that you think that you are superior?
Why do you feel that you need to steer clear of your partner’s life?
You’re not together?
The time has already come for you both to part.

Clearnightsky Thu 14-Nov-19 01:01:24

He says I think I am the superior parent. Even though he also says that I am the better parent. He’s also ignored me when I’ve raised concerns about DS e.g. he said he was hurt by a young family member when DP left them unsupervised, after I’d warned that I thought there were issues and please to closely supervise if with same family member.
I need to steer clear of his life as he doesn’t like me having anything to do with this life. Fair enough however I’d rather move to my families but he is blocking this and cancelled mediation.

I’d like to part I accept its over.

timeisnotaline Thu 14-Nov-19 02:10:33

If he’s cancelled mediation I’d make sure there was written evidence you tried to talk, sorted mediation etc then pack and go tbh.

DonKeyshot Thu 14-Nov-19 03:38:40

Just leave. Don't tell him. Start moving documents and other precious items to your family's home and organise transport to move all of your belongings for a date when you know he'll be out of the house for a while, such as when he's at work, and leave him a note.

Btw, mediation is not recommended when one party is abusive to the other and you should consider yourself fortunate that he won't attend.

Kiwiinkits Thu 14-Nov-19 03:50:05

I am the main parent to DS says it all to me. Also the lecture about closely supervising your DS when with a relative.
You do sound a bit controlling to me, sorry.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 14-Nov-19 04:29:31

No she doesn’t. Did you actually read the op? He was taking ops child out without consulting her and leaving her home alone. That’s parental alienation for starters. Coupled with this, lax parenting by letting their child get hurt and screaming / shouting whilst calling op controlling.

YANBU. I agree with looking into gaslighting. Stay strong.

Alicewond Thu 14-Nov-19 04:40:55

How old is DS in all this? Maybe relevant to know since you disagree over the use of a professional psychologist? Because yes stating you are superior as a parent and not accepting your partner can take his child to visit parents without your permission is awful behaviour. I’m not surprised he broke up with you. You seem like you want a way for revenge with this post? I’m sorry but put your child first

BillHadersNewWife Thu 14-Nov-19 04:52:49

Be very, very careful. He may be setting you up to claim he's in a coercive relationship.

If he does that, he could get full custody of your son.

Vampyress Thu 14-Nov-19 04:57:07

Once you seperate he will have presumably 50% access to your son and therefore you won't be able to influence the circumstances under which your son spends time with his father's family. He does not however have a say over where you live after your split unless you are moving to another country in which case he could go to the courts to try and block it.

I can't say whether you are being unreasonable or controlling as there's not enough detail, I equally can't say the same about him. If you want to move in with family then he can't stop you, equally you can't stop him spending time with his child as he see's fit when he has access.

Tvstar Thu 14-Nov-19 05:10:08

It does sound as though you are very controlling in regard to his relationship with the ds.
You are not the main parent, your dh is just as much a parent with just as much say as you. He does not need your permission to take him to his family

SomeonesRealName Thu 14-Nov-19 05:36:28

It's good you're splitting up, you'll finally gain some perspective on the situation, which sounds awful. Go and live with your family ASAP.

Coyoacan Thu 14-Nov-19 05:39:35

Did nobody read the OP? Or are a lot of people just choosing to ignore it?

Alicewond Thu 14-Nov-19 05:52:23

@Coyoacan yes I read, no abusive behaviour. He wanted to leave the relationship. She declare herself a superior parent and resents his family being involved. No mention of why one of the children needs a professional psychologist to give more info in this case though

Lana08 Thu 14-Nov-19 06:06:56

To be honest Op who cares what he thinks.
Don’t even get pulled into this back and fourth madness. Just leave with your Son or get him to leave. Don’t waste your time on who’s fault is it and don’t worry about what his family think. Get out now.

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