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Aibu to think that my kids aren’t coming back?

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SeaOfDespair Wed 13-Nov-19 21:32:58

I had my girls removed last month and it’s been a very traumatic experience. My family are so far away, my friends have dwindled away and I’m stuck looking at these 4 walls.

I’m seeing a private child psychologist and doing some work with him. He understands how harsh the system can be. I’m doing 2 different parenting courses online. I’m paying for all of this myself and has been a bit of a struggle recently.

My solicitor just tells me to go along with whatever they want. I’ve ticked one thing off the list, but they’re not forthcoming with starting their own assessments. Social worker is either sick, or can’t be bothered.

My youngest has arrived to contact with bruising to her face 4 times. She is cruising, but never managed to be bruised within my care. My elder one seems sort of happy, but is having a lot of tantrums and isn’t able to communicate with me.

From them wanting to keep them at home on an order, their original intentions until the court hearing, to pretending I don’t exist. They didn’t even turn up to the meeting last week. No apology given. No notification of cancellation.

From a case of closing ranks to keeping the case open, it never did surprise me that they applied for a court order. My social worker’s reasoning? I don’t agree with their concerns, so there needs to be a care order.

Am I being unreasonable to think I don’t stand a chance in hell of getting them back, if they’re not willing to even bother working with me?

NoSquirrels Wed 13-Nov-19 21:37:36

it never did surprise me that they applied for a court order. My social worker’s reasoning? I don’t agree with their concerns, so there needs to be a care order.

Oh dear, OP. The time to do everything was before they removed them. I feel for you, I do - I would be bereft - but I think this thread will be either upsetting or frustrating for you.

SeaOfDespair Wed 13-Nov-19 21:42:38

I’ve done 18 months of doing what they ask for. They changed the goalposts consistently. When I followed their (very occasional) advice, I was told that they didn’t tell me to do such a thing.

My girls were on the register with extremely limited goals. I carried on working with who I was meant to, I had to stop looking for private rented accommodation, as they said it’s insecure. I pushed and pushed for repairs to be done to the flat, again, they never helped.

Whenever I’ve asked the social worker for help, she says she doesn’t know or just shrugs her shoulders.

1Morewineplease Wed 13-Nov-19 21:43:34

Who didn’t turn up at the court meeting?
Who applied for a court order?
Whose concerns did you not agree with?
You say that you don’t stand the chance of getting them back as they’re not willing to work with you. ... who are ‘they?’

Mopmum35 Wed 13-Nov-19 21:43:38

OP first of all I'm sorry, the pain your feeling will be the worst.

Can I ask what the social workers concerns are?

LIZS Wed 13-Nov-19 21:45:48

My solicitor just tells me to go along with whatever they want. I’ve ticked one thing off the list, but they’re not forthcoming with starting their own assessments.

You may well feel pp was harsh but unless you understand , take on board and actively address each issue on the list it will be difficult for a sw to justify changing their assessment. Children are not removed without serious concerns for their safety and wellbeing. Did you prioritise their needs and are you able to in future, by making the relevant changes?

slipperywhensparticus Wed 13-Nov-19 21:47:21

They need to give you goals in writing for you to achieve are they on the at risk register? You should have regular meetings with your social worker health visitor police your solicitor and a chairperson who you can ask to speak to before the meeting to raise concerns that they are not acknowledging your progress and are not giving you clear guidance

Incidentally what dont they think your recognising?

SeaOfDespair Wed 13-Nov-19 21:47:43

1. They didn’t turn up to the LAC meeting, nobody did.
2. The local authority
3. The ones which state things that simply don’t reflect reality. I put my hands up where I’m wrong, but the only accurate concern is that I can be a bit messy and it’s nowhere near bad enough to meet threshold.
4. The local authority

TheBouquets Wed 13-Nov-19 21:49:13

Social Workers are good at shifting goalpost. They are also good at thinking they know everything.
I don't know what you can do to get round this situation but I am rooting for you.
Keep notes on every time you try to contact Social Workers who you spoke to and what was said. Then check with the Care Commission to ensure that you are actually dealing with a qualified and registered Social Worker.

Emeraldshamrock Wed 13-Nov-19 21:49:25

I’ve done 18 months of doing what they ask for. They changed the goalposts consistently
Yep I believe you.
I may not be from the UK. I have watched so many documentaries from dispatch to personal experiences of UK social services on YouTube and other media sources.
It is a number crunchers game in many cases. sad
I am so sorry OP. Keep doing what your doing, it is possible but it takes hard work, many hoops, it is a horrendous experience and not always in the best interests of the family.
One of the reasons constantly quoted was future risk of emotional abuse?
Arm yourself with information.

LolaSmiles Wed 13-Nov-19 21:50:24

You may well feel pp was harsh but unless you understand , take on board and actively address each issue on the list it will be difficult for a sw to justify changing their assessment. Children are not removed without serious concerns for their safety and wellbeing.
This.

It sounds traumatic for you OP, but the threshold for children just getting onto a child protection plan is high and to be removed is a much higher threshold.

You are best taking counsel from your legal specialists and probably having this thread removed as threads about social services on here at the moment tend to get a weird mix of replies from unconditionally affirming an OP as the injured party through to all out lies about social services with anecdotes about people who've all apparently had children removed for no reason.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 13-Nov-19 21:51:04

Why were they removed in the first place?

Emeraldshamrock Wed 13-Nov-19 21:52:38

Did they get you any help to clear up? Can you do it now.
Can you do any of the repairs yourself.

LittleMissBirdy Wed 13-Nov-19 21:53:23

What did they remove your children for Op? I hope you don’t mind me asking

HakunaRattatas Wed 13-Nov-19 21:54:35

I genuinely am not trying to be horrible but the bar to remove children is high. Too high I think but that's irrelevant. It won't have been done on a whim.

Maybe use this time to tackle the real issues?

Emeraldshamrock Wed 13-Nov-19 21:54:39

OP said the place was a mess.

SmileEachDay Wed 13-Nov-19 21:54:59

You’re looking at this from the wrong angle.

What was stated as the reason for removal?

It is an incredibly difficult and lengthy process from initial concern to removal, with many, many opportunities to ensure the children are safe.

This is not about you. It’s about what was happening to make the children unsafe. It’s about what significant changes can be made to ensure safety if they return.

What was the reason for removal?

Kittykat93 Wed 13-Nov-19 21:55:57

Op I feel for you I really do. But your children weren't removed because you're 'a bit messy'. You need to be truthful and give more information as what you've said so far is difficult to give any advice.

LittleMissBirdy Wed 13-Nov-19 21:56:16

I don’t understand @Emeraldshamrock I read that but thought it couldn’t be true. I had no idea that could happen.

Op all I can say is keep going, do what they want you to do keep up contact & hopefully it will pay off, when your children are in the system it’s so hard to get them out (happened to a friend)

NoSquirrels Wed 13-Nov-19 21:56:38

It sounds frustrating, but also children aren’t removed for tbeor parent being a bit messy ‘but nowhere near threshold’ so something substantial (to be at risk and in SS’s orbit in the first place) must have occurred or not been actively prevented.

I’m going to offer you flowers and hope your situation is resolved soon. But I’ll leave the thread because I don’t think it’s going to help you - in my experience of threads like these it’s virtually impossible to know what the story is.

slipperywhensparticus Wed 13-Nov-19 21:58:04

Social workers are known for this there concern over me was they thought I was having a relationship with my ex but I wasn't they persistently cited this for reasons why they should be involved I WAS NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM they said your not antagonistic towards each other we have two kids what good will that do? I finally pinned her down in a meeting and she admitted she didnt think we were in a relationship I thought this was progress then they went for a PLO to remove the children due to my relationship with my ex i got a better solicitor went to the meeting and we thrashed it out they said see you in court at the next meeting it got dropped to child in need then dropped totally you will get through this

LolaSmiles Wed 13-Nov-19 21:58:52

I'd go further kitty and suggest the OP doesn't reveal any more information on here as however well-meaning posters are there's some frankly abysmal advice and guidance given out on here, along with the inevitable people showing up to add in their tales of children removed "for no reason".

The OP would be better getting this thread deleted, speaking to someone offline who they can discuss the whole situation with and if they need a confidential ear then a local charity would be a good place to start if they feel they can't talk to someone in the system.

firsttimemum30 Wed 13-Nov-19 22:00:24

Social services are massively under staffed and under funded, as a lot of services in this country are and it does take a lot for them to remove children. I am sorry for your pain though.

GrumpyHoonMain Wed 13-Nov-19 22:00:55

It takes a lot for a child to be removed like this. Trust me I know. You need to stop playing the ‘woe is me’ card and start to quickly address their concerns otherwise you may get to a point where the best thing for the children is to remain where they are.

SeaOfDespair Wed 13-Nov-19 22:01:36

The whole case was actually started by a health visitor that I made a complaint about. After that happened, she threw in a report to the social services. She said that I didn’t sign up to a GP surgery within 6 weeks (I gave the sw a letter to prove otherwise), that my daughter has a very poor diet, was covered in filth and I regularly let her play out of my sight.

I told the duty SW the truth and she didn’t believe the health visitor made such a comment towards me, she didn’t believe that she had only seen me the once and said that I’m showing signs of disguised compliance.

The original case conference, the decision to subject her to the register was made on what the duty sw and the former health visitor had to say. The new health visitor said that she thinks I don’t understand child development as she has so many soft toys and toddlers don’t need those. I made it clear that she had puzzles and various other things, for stimulation, to which she replied, “I don’t believe that”.

After the case conference, the agencies I worked with started to get very shitty with me and my new health visitor (3rd one since being in this city) literally shouted in my face. She admitted to doing this at my next case conference and said that I frustrate her, I asked why and she said that I didn’t get support from tenancy support when she told me to.

It’s basically carried on like this. My next health visitor was lovely, in fairness. That one for whom I was a source of frustration, refused to work with me, after the case conference.

My 2nd daughter was born by the next case conference. Decided to place her name on it too, as it was felt I’ve moved around too much and needed security.

From there, everything went downhill. My social worker started becoming confrontational and catty. I had issues with women’s aid (not partner DV) as they took petty complaints seriously, from a resident crack head. I left there and it made it all worse.

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