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To not happy about dh's new job

(154 Posts)
amy1008 Wed 13-Nov-19 10:28:45

DH has been stuck in the same junior role for so many years. He is desperate to move one step forward in his career. Now there is a new opportunity 100 miles away from where we live. He wants to take it. I don't.

A bit of background. We have a 4 year old in reception and we both work full time with similar incomes. We have no family nearby. ATM, I leave the house at 6:30am, he sends dd to school at 8:30. Dd goes to after school club andI pick her up at 5:30. We brought our house in January. Dd is settled and very happy at her school. I like my job and don't want to change it in the near future.

His solution is: rent a room near the new job. Spend 3 nights there every week. Work from home one day per week. We find a child minder/ nanny to cover morning school run. The extra accommodation, commuting and childcare would cost us 1500 per month. His pay rise is far less than that.

Option 2, he spend one night there and wfh one day per week. He can do 3 school runs. I also change my working hour so I can do the rest. But the journey would take 1.5 to 2.5 hours depending on traffic. And dd will need to stay at school from 7:30 to 6pm.

Dh insists it's impossible to find a senior role within commutable distance. I feel like there's no solution. If he chose to take it, I would be unhappy. If I forced him to stay, he would be unhappy and resentful.

GrumpyHoonMain Wed 13-Nov-19 10:30:59

Why can’t he commute the 100 miles? I know many people who do this from the Midlands to London everyday twice a day either by car or train. I also know people who do longer daily commutes. (My commute is approx 95 miles one way). He’s taking the piss.

Hahaha88 Wed 13-Nov-19 10:31:00

There's no solution that makes you both happy you either move or he doesn't take the job. But be careful cos one of you is going to end up resenting the other if you aren't careful

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 13-Nov-19 10:31:13

His pay rise is far less than that

Then it makes no financial sense to do this, surely?

A more senior role, so presumably more hours, more stress, impact on family life and for less money? Makes no sense.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Wed 13-Nov-19 10:33:51

Will this role lead to further progression in a couple of years? Is there a chance that he will be able to get a role closer to home in time?

If it is likely to be a short term hassle to boost his career prospects I would say you should see if you can make it work.

If this is likely to become the new normal for the next 10 years then it’s less realistic.

ImAwfulWithUsernames Wed 13-Nov-19 10:34:38

I wouldn't be happy either. He's pushing to make a change that is going to see you worse off financially and he'll see his child/family less??
I don't get it at all.

AmIThough Wed 13-Nov-19 10:36:21

Can you afford to lose £1500 a month?

amy1008 Wed 13-Nov-19 10:38:12

Yes, there is only negative impact on finance.

He HOPES this is a temporary move. He'll keep searching and aiming to move back within couple of years.

SleepingStandingUp Wed 13-Nov-19 10:38:46

Op do you leave so early due to a long commute or shift pattern?
If you looked at moving closer to new job, is there a job opportunity for you or would you be unemployed?

amy1008 Wed 13-Nov-19 10:40:38

We can afford the extra cost, by not saving money and taking cheaper holidays

ReanimatedSGB Wed 13-Nov-19 10:43:24

It really doesn't look like there is going to be any benefit to anyone in him doing this. How come it's a 'more senior' role on much less pay?

AmIThough Wed 13-Nov-19 10:43:49

Are you willing to sacrifice the nice holidays and savings, and do ALL of the parenting 3 days a week and welcome a stranger into your home and child's life?

That question sounds incredibly biased because I'm not sure why you're having to give up so much without question!
Maybe pose that question to him - if it was the other way round, would he be willing to accept all of those changes?

AmIThough Wed 13-Nov-19 10:44:28

@ReanimatedSGB the cost would be his rent and the nanny and school clubs, not because he's taking a pay cut

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 13-Nov-19 10:44:34

He'll keep searching and aiming to move back within couple of years.

Dh insists it's impossible to find a senior role within commutable distance

Sorry but somethings not adding up here. Either he can or he can't find something local.

I think this would be a massive impact on your family, on your DD and your relationship to be honest.

But now the cat is out of the bag so to speak, one of you will end up resenting the other one. Has he actually been offered the job?

ColdRainAgain Wed 13-Nov-19 10:45:58

Can you find childcare that will start at 6.30 for the days you need it? Certainly finding anything round here that starts before 8 is hard.

amy1008 Wed 13-Nov-19 10:51:01

I also need to commute, about 45 mins one way. I leave early mainly because I want to avoid the traffic (it could be more than an hour if I leave at 8) and to pick up dd a little bit earlier.
I guess I could find a job near his new job. But also need to consider the house, school and moving away from everyone we know (again!)

ReanimatedSGB he dose get a pay rise, but it's not enough to cover the extra cost.

Andysbestadventure Wed 13-Nov-19 10:51:19

Are you sure he doesn't just want a divorce/break from family life and this is his way of projecting that? His argument doesn't add up, at all, especially financially, and is incredibly selfish of him.

DeeCeeCherry Wed 13-Nov-19 10:54:21

I don't blame you for not being happy. He's a family man with a wife and child not a single man, and that has to be taken into account in terms of job-hunting. Realistically you'll be doing all the parenting as well as working. It's too much. Why would he even take a job that doesn't seem financially viable? (which is a bit odd for a senior role)

HeadSpin5 Wed 13-Nov-19 10:55:39

I’m all for compromising but there really doesn’t seem to be a workable way around this that doesn’t detrimentally affect the whole family. I would second the daily commute option - 100m isn’t that long, particularly if he can negotiate wfh 1 or 2 times a week.

Span1elsRock Wed 13-Nov-19 10:57:24

He sounds like he's ducking out of family life, OP.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Wed 13-Nov-19 10:57:32

But also need to consider the house, school and moving away from everyone we know (again!)

Why did you move away last time? Was it for work or something else?

HugoSpritz Wed 13-Nov-19 10:58:51

It is sometimes easier to be considered for senior roles if already in one. You have been fortunate for one of you to be able to do school runs but if you "prevent " him taking the role will it lead to resentment that could impact your relationship.

Personally I would find a way to make it happen and support him through it (by commuting or plan B).

Financially we took a 2 year hit when my DH went ro being a junior equity partner from a senior salaried partner. But we knew long term the burden would pay off.

CosmoK Wed 13-Nov-19 11:02:54

So he gets to live the single life 3 nights a week? And you'd be worse off financially? Nah I can't see that working out - great for him but lots of extra burden for you.

He has a family now and that should come first.

dontalltalkatonce Wed 13-Nov-19 11:04:22

So your DD pays for him to do what he wants? That's pretty selfish of him, especially as it will cost the family money. I'd couch it like this. If he twists things round and accuses you of not playing in a team by enabling him, you have your answer. You have to make compromises when you have kids. Tough.

nocluewhattodoo Wed 13-Nov-19 11:06:31

He sounds selfish, do you think he would resent you if you said you aren't willing to take on all the extra responsibility that his plan would entail?

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