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Choir disappointment

(210 Posts)
nannytothequeen Wed 13-Nov-19 06:36:43

This isn't really an AIBU. Cos I probably am. But I don't know where else to post. All my adult life I have derived a lot of pleasure from singing in choirs. I can read music competently and have always been a solid singer. Moved to a new place and joined a choir. No auditions needed. Have a couple of friends singing in another section. Paid my subs. Attended all rehearsals. I have found it a bit cliquey. Most singers are older than me and some much older and have known each other for years. But it doesn't matter when you're singing. In the last couple of weeks I have had some snide comments from other singers about getting something wrong, or not saying the words right or singing too loudly (in the loud bits) or being off key ( that particular criticism was galling because I had stopped singing at that point to try and listen to get it right). I have felt increasingly ganged up on but have largely ignored the comments.

Today I got an email from the choir leader saying that the conductor remains concerned that my voice is not balancing with the others. I didn't know he was concerned. He has never even spoken to me about anything ever. So I have been asked not to take part in the upcoming concert that I have been practicing for. However I am more than welcome to try out next year when all choir members will be auditioned.

AIBU to think fuck that for a game of soldiers? AIBU to be a bit upset? AIBU to think that something I have loved for literally decades has been kind of spoiled ? It sounds pathetic but it is like another rejection after a horrible marriage breakdown after he found another woman in the shape of a former friend and a move to a new place on my own.

Oblomov19 Wed 13-Nov-19 06:42:20

Good God. This is so bad. What a horrible bunch, and worse still, a horrible way they've dealt with you/ the situation.

This makes me so sad.

This feels really personal to me right now, because I've just started a job that is toxic, with women seemingly nice, but nasty, and it's very damaging to me. Don't let this happen to you.

Is this the only choir in your town? Can you join the one in your next town?

How very sad.

But propels people to treat others this way? Mystifies me!

Geschwister4 Wed 13-Nov-19 06:44:23

That does sound rubbish, I agree. Is there any way you can meet with the choir leader to discuss things. It sounds like there is some gossip from other members and because of the cliquey nature they have decided to act without giving you the chance to discuss it.

grincheux Wed 13-Nov-19 06:46:23

The choir haven't behaved very nicely, but if what the choir leader is telling you is absolutely true then she/he sounds like they've handled it quite well. There are other choirs you can join which might suit your style better. Don't give up just because this one isnt the one for you! smile

Mummadeeze Wed 13-Nov-19 06:47:22

That is really horrible and I am sad for you too. Hope you can try a different choir and that there is one not too far away. Please don’t let this put you off.

RuffleCrow Wed 13-Nov-19 06:48:25

It's all very odd. Are you sure you haven't been singing really loudly off key? I'm only asking because i've been to these sorts of choirs and it's unusual for the leader to single someone out. And you wouldn't be able to pick me out amongst the others when i'm singing as i don't have that sort of power to my voice unfortunately.

matcatwomanheresheis Wed 13-Nov-19 06:48:27

How horrible for you OP. What a way to treat a newcomer - they should be ashamed, frankly. There’s cliquey, but then there’s “up your own arse” and it sounds like this lot are the latter, unfortunately. There must be other choirs you can join though? Please don’t let this put you off singing. It’s not you, it’s them.

KatherineJaneway Wed 13-Nov-19 06:51:27

That's awful sad Please remember that is one toxic choir, there are others who would welcome you.

TheMustressMhor Wed 13-Nov-19 06:55:57

I've sung in choirs all my life and once, when I moved house, I joined a new one.

Wow. Was it cliquey? It was awful.

Is your choir the Highgate Choral Society by any chance?

Sorry you've experienced this. I can imagine how terrible you're feeling. flowers

Letsgomaths Wed 13-Nov-19 06:58:31

That is awful. There was a time I was “asked to leave” a group on the spot (not a choir), with nobody telling me earlier that that I needed to Improve. I really have no time for people or groups who fail to give feedback about such things, and abandon somebody just like that.

If you can, get yourself into another choir straight away; and if I was doing it, I would be assuring this one that I shall not be returning to theirs ever, because of the despicable treatment.

Lindy2 Wed 13-Nov-19 07:04:28

They sound awful.

Don't give up though. Find another more welcoming choir and join them. I'm sure you can find one that is inclusive and friendly and better suited to you.

happystory Wed 13-Nov-19 07:05:54

Time to find a new choir. My mother has been in various and some of them have been very cliquey and up themselves, even tho ostensibly they are amateurs and only in it for fun. Find one that's more accepting. You are not unreasonable to feel so upset.

SnuggyBuggy Wed 13-Nov-19 07:09:16

I'd definitely leave and try to find something else to do

Aroundtheworldin80moves Wed 13-Nov-19 07:09:33

Sounds horrible place. Singing is supposed to make you feel good, not stress you out.
Hope you can find a nice welcoming choir.

nannytothequeen Wed 13-Nov-19 07:12:33

I don't think I've been singing loudly and off key. I have been in loads of choirs and a couple of really good ones - the Manchester Chorale and the Chanticleer Singers in North Yorks. In my late teens I got my Grade 8 in singing with the Royal College of Music and I play other instruments. I really do understand music. Obviously many years have passed since I did my exams and sang In the Royal Festival Hall but I think I am still capable of reading music well and singing in a choir. The choir in question is not famous at all. A small town mixed voice choir that does afternoon recitals three or four times a year. I guess I should find somewhere else to sing but I feel so shit and rejected now.

StillDumDeDumming Wed 13-Nov-19 07:14:34

The choir master handled this badly. Their job is to direct and conduct you. If something is wrong it’s their job to fix it. Really you don’t want to be in this kind of choir.

You said your friends sing in other sections of the choir. You could ask them for some feedback. But please do not stop singing. It’s so good for you. Find another choir. I can sing but not well and I sing in a local group. Please don’t give up - you’ll recover better from this if you keep singing

Loopytiles Wed 13-Nov-19 07:14:39

Much depends on whether the criticisms were true. There would be little point giving feedback and suggesting you change things if the problem is your voice didn’t blend or you sang out of tune.

Seems more likely though that the choir is run by the queen bees who have taken against you for their own silly reasons.

nannytothequeen Wed 13-Nov-19 07:14:39

And I will leave. Well effectively I have been asked to leave. This 'you can audition next year' thing is just a brush off. No one else has been auditioned and I have some pride ffs.

StillDumDeDumming Wed 13-Nov-19 07:17:27

If you got grade 8, you can sing!! It is slightly possible that you recent setbacks affect your voice but I doubt to that extent. This is upsetting but you never would have been happy in this choir. It’s shit, in short. You can find your place.

eddielizzard Wed 13-Nov-19 07:18:21

Yes, sounds like the clique have taken against you. Possibly you're too good and they want you out so they're not shown up.

Chin up. Lick your wounds, get out there and find a better choir. It really is their loss.

YouNeedToCalmDown Wed 13-Nov-19 07:19:32

How awful for you. I'm so sorry flowers. What utterly rotten people.

MuchBetterNow Wed 13-Nov-19 07:20:24

I sing in a community choir, most of us are competent but some people can't sing at all but everyone is welcome.

Your level of competence is streets ahead of any of us, sorry but there's clearly something else going on here and they don't want you around.

Most choirs would be over the moon to have someone like you on board.

They sound cliquey and unpleasant, you're better off out of it.

Glittertwins Wed 13-Nov-19 07:22:19

Sounds like a bit of petty jealousy here. Nobody gets to grade 8 without rather a lot of competence let alone RSM

absopugginglutely Wed 13-Nov-19 07:23:07

You've dodged a bullet, they sound vile!!
Get thee to a different choir and forget all about the bastards idiots.

ageingdisgracefully Wed 13-Nov-19 07:23:10

I'd just find another choir, tbh. This one may not be a good fit.

They sound quite judgemental and not very supportive, and, given what you say about your background, may not be what you need at the moment.

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