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Mum making my Hen party all about her

(93 Posts)
Hafa9141 Tue 12-Nov-19 11:03:33

I know some people on here see me as "one of those people" because I have posted about my mum before but I was hoping for some support about this issue.
I'm getting married in May and everything apart from my hen do is sorted (I'm laid back and was just going to do a meal with friends and family and a night out with my closest friends)
My mum has decided this isn't what she wants to do and has taken it upon herself (even though I specifically told her my best friend is sorting everything and I trust him to) to set up a WhatsApp group for a trip to London with people I wasn't going to invite including people I barely talk to who she is friends with. She has decided this needs sorting NOW not after Christmas as "people's diaries are getting full" which is a load of rubbish.
She has invited some of my friends and partners side of the family but not all of them, leaving them out intentionally.
I am so annoyed because she knows I want something low key, I personally don't like going to London because I'm from a quiet town near Liverpool and not everybody can afford a £300 weekend away 6 weeks before my wedding.
She has also planned a second hen do in Liverpool having afternoon tea so that my nan and elderly godmother can come? She knows I hate things like that and would rather have EVERYBODY at one big meal and a night out.
Am I being a psycho about this? I barely slept lastnight with the anxiety.

AryaStarkWolf Tue 12-Nov-19 11:06:20

Tell her no and don't go

Winterdaysarehere Tue 12-Nov-19 11:06:26

Cancel the whole thing imo. Omitting relatives that wasn't even your decision will be leaving the inevitable fall out for you to deal with.
Also sounds expensive.
You risk being labelled Bridezilla!!

HollowTalk Tue 12-Nov-19 11:07:05

She's insane! It's nothing to do with her what happens at your hen do.

Tell her in a text message "Stop taking over my hen night. I just want to have a meal with friends. I don't want to go to London. I don't want to have afternoon tea. If you want to do those things, do them with your own friends."

SheRaTheAllPowerful Tue 12-Nov-19 11:08:26

I agree with hollowtalk

LagunaBubbles Tue 12-Nov-19 11:08:57

Well just tell her you're not doing it, surely that's not difficult, she can't force you!

TheABC Tue 12-Nov-19 11:09:33

Send out a broadcast message, making it clear what you want (original plan) and you are neither approving or attending her plans.

If your mum wants to go to London, she can crack on! However, you are not her figleaf excuse to do so.

MrsToothyBitch Tue 12-Nov-19 11:09:33

Put a message on the Whatsapp group saying NO- it's not what you want, that you worry about cost for people, that you've planned what you want already and it's final. Then leave the group.

Disfordarkchocolate Tue 12-Nov-19 11:10:43

Just send a message to everyone saying you don't want this and let your Mum sulk, it will not be fun but it sets a clear boundary (in public).

SummerWhisper Tue 12-Nov-19 11:11:41

Put an end to it now with a message to everybody

My hen do arrangements will be low key, local to me and will be planned after the New Year. Apologies for the confusion.

RedRec Tue 12-Nov-19 11:12:34

Just tell her to wind her neck in. And say no, firmly. Sounds hideous!

Leeds2 Tue 12-Nov-19 11:14:29

I would tell her to stop all of this immediately, and that you will not be going on the London trip. Then post a message on the WhatsApp group stating quite clearly that there has been a mix up, this is nothing to do with you and you will not be going. Up to them if they want to do the trip with your mum.
I would probably agree to an afternoon tea with your nan, and godmother, if they are unlikely to want/be able to attend whatever night out you have in Liverpool. But only the three of you (and, maybe, your mum), and only if you think they would like it.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 12-Nov-19 11:15:16

Why is this even an issue? Just tell your mother this is not happening. You're a grown woman, not a little child, so stand up for yourself.

thecatsthecats Tue 12-Nov-19 11:16:17

I would do it in two stages.

1) Speak to your mum and say thank you for thinking of you, but the fuss really isn't what you want. Your friend will be organising it, and that's the final thing.

If she complains, say to her that you're sorry that she can't seem to get the message, so unfortunately you have to make it clear that you won't be doing those as well.

2) Post a message in the What'sApp group saying, "Aww, sorry! How lovely of you all to think about me like this, but I'm really happy with Friend's plans for me, so won't be doing this as well."

She has a chance to withdraw, and you have a chance not to let your hen do be overshadowed by her nonsense, which it will be if you go straight for pt 2.

WatchingFromTheWings Tue 12-Nov-19 11:17:55

I wouldn't go. But make sure you post on the wattsapp that this is not your hen do and you won't be there. Then set up your own thing, the way you want it.

Raphael34 Tue 12-Nov-19 11:18:53

It’s not hard to say no op. Have you actually tried to stop her plans?

KnickerBockerAndrew Tue 12-Nov-19 11:20:39

Send a message to the whatsapp group. "Hey all, let's go for a quiet meal instead of a weekend away- I know London isn't doable for everyone and it's not really my thing! I'll take care of the guest list xx"

ConkerGame Tue 12-Nov-19 11:20:47

God OP what a nightmare! Sorry she is being like this! As she doesn’t seem to be getting the message I think you will need to send a message to the WhatsApp so that everyone sees it and you’re all on the same page.

Maybe something like “mum, thanks for trying to plan something fun but I really don’t want to go to London. My best friend X is planning a fun, low-key local evening for my hen and that’s all I’ll be doing for it. Sorry for the confusion everyone else!”

GrumpyHoonMain Tue 12-Nov-19 11:21:02

Just treat it as a second hen do that your mum really wants to arrange for you. Let all your friends know she’s planning something and that they may get invitations but they absolutely don’t have to come because as far as you are concerned the dinner is the main event.

I had this with my siblings. I did my main one which was just a club night in my home town, then one sibling arranged something in London and the other arranged something in another city and my mum arranged a third in another city. I went to all of these but made it clear to my friends they were free to decline - and they all came to the ones they wanted to go to. It was fun in the end even though I didn’t think it was and I got to spend time with friends / family I hadn’t seen for a while.

Hafa9141 Tue 12-Nov-19 11:22:38

I'm having the discussion with her tonight so am definitely sticking up for myself.
I forgot to mention she's set up the WhatsApp group without my knowledge and without me in it. I've found out purely by chance that someone has asked my fiancé why she's had a message off my mum.
He knows what I'm like so he's chosen to tell me, I've then rung my BFF and asked him he's said listen your mum's taken control and I didn't want to upset her by saying no to everything.
I'm definitely sticking up for myself I just wanted reassurance that I'm not a psycho for being upset about this.

diddl Tue 12-Nov-19 11:23:00

Tbh the 2nd hen do sounds quite thoughtful to me, if it really is just afternoon tea with your nan& godmother.

That said, they might be OK with not going to the hen do & not be bothered about something being done just with them in mind.

Hafa9141 Tue 12-Nov-19 11:25:52

@diddl this wasn't a second hen do with them in mind.
Shesy planned London for people she wants to go with (my aunty, her cousins, my brother's other halves and my best mate) not even my MIL has been invited! and the Liverpool one is for everybody else because she's not bothered about it.

onalongsabbatical Tue 12-Nov-19 11:26:02

Christ, leave her to it and don't attend! She'll look like an idiot, right?

Talkthirtytome Tue 12-Nov-19 11:29:22

I also get married in may! My mum is the total opposite, she isn't at all enthusiastic about my hen do or wedding, didn't come dress shopping with me and didn't want any input in in the hen do, other than she was disgusted at my bridesmaid trying to plan a trip to Blackpool and that she wouldn't be going if that was the case. I think you just need to tactfully tell your mym it's your hen do and you will do what you want to do. It nice she's showing some enthusiasm but between your mum and mine they are two extremes!

Beautiful3 Tue 12-Nov-19 11:30:19

Send out a message on the WhatsApp group to say this is the only hen do, and to ignore any other messages from your mother about a separate one.

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