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To not want to go to a colleague's home?

(161 Posts)
Xmasspirit Tue 12-Nov-19 07:43:45

It was recently announced that my team's Christmas party will be a dinner at a junior female colleague's place, where she and other junior female colleagues will cook for the team. The team dynamics is not great and I've had mental health issues on account of bullying and inappropriate sexist remarks at work. I am having panic attacks when thinking about the party and having to go to this person's home. WWYD?

jcorbyn Tue 12-Nov-19 07:45:43

Don't do anything that you don't want to do

DinoSn0re Tue 12-Nov-19 07:45:59

Aren’t you busy that day OP? An important family event came up. Such a shame you’ll miss it, but you hope they all have a lovely time!

Shesellsseashellsontheseashore Tue 12-Nov-19 07:46:48

I wouldn't go. Pretend you are already busy on that date. Sounds an awful night even if you did get on with them! Who wants their work Christmas do in someone's house.

chatwoo Tue 12-Nov-19 08:01:06

The run up to Xmas is such a busy time, maybe you've got a prior engagement for that evening?

CalmdownJanet Tue 12-Nov-19 08:03:30

That's very odd confused I definitely wouldn't go if I were you

GabriellaMontez Tue 12-Nov-19 08:05:28

I'd be taken ill that evening or have a prior engagement.

Marlena1 Tue 12-Nov-19 08:06:14

100% I wouldn't go. It's not a requirement, it's meant to be for enjoyment but you won't enjoy it.

BeanBag7 Tue 12-Nov-19 08:07:36

I dont think its inappropriate but if your not comfortable with it just dont go!

Nextphonewontbesamsung Tue 12-Nov-19 08:08:35

Well, have the junior female colleagues been coerced into doing this or is it a generous gesture on their part? You could be perceived as being rude to turn down the invitation but such is life, you'll just have to own it. How about looking for another job if this one gives you panic attacks? No point staying in a job you hate.

ReanimatedSGB Tue 12-Nov-19 08:11:22

Do you work in the hospitality/catering industry? Or are these colleagues both enthusiastic cooks who talk about it a lot at work? It does sound distinctly odd and I wonder what the two appointed cooks actually think about it - did they offer, or was the task dumped on them? (If it's the latter then don't go. Spitting iin your soupl will be the least of it...)

KnightandDay Tue 12-Nov-19 08:11:47

Seems like a strange idea for a work Christmas party, especially as you describe them as junior
But if you don't want to go, don't go. Just have other plans that night.

AmIThough Tue 12-Nov-19 08:13:03

What a bizarre concept. I wouldn't go.

alreadyinchristmasmood Tue 12-Nov-19 08:14:51

Ohhhh what a shame, your aunt Sharon has her birthday party exactly on that particular day, you can't go!

Bizarre way to organise a WORK Christmas party. I wouldn't host it & I wouldn't go, tbh, just odd.

Beautiful3 Tue 12-Nov-19 08:14:53

I would say that I already have plans, friends coming over. You dont have to do anything you dont feel comfortable doing.

churchandstate Tue 12-Nov-19 08:15:27

That’s quite weird. Whose idea was that?

CherryPavlova Tue 12-Nov-19 08:20:33

Two separate issues.
You are unhappy in your job, so perhaps consider whether you want to stay.
You don’t want to go to a Christmas lunch or party. Decide whether it would be too rude not to go and whether you care about that. If it’s in work time, it’s a bit harder to avoid but tell your manager why you don’t want to go otherwise, if it’s in your own time, just say sorry but you have a prior engagement.
It’s not odd, it’s a nice idea by the person whose home it is and those catering. It’s generous and will save money. It’s probably less stilted for a large number than a restaurant.

Xmasspirit Tue 12-Nov-19 08:21:06

Thank you everyone - I am a senior collegue and it would be expected of me that I come (aunt Sharon would not be enough of an excuse). Would it be unreasonable if i insisted that we go to a neutral place, such as a professional catering joint, like a restaurant or a cafe? Would it be too "drama queen" of me?

CherryPavlova Tue 12-Nov-19 08:25:01

We’ve had a junior member of staff use her home for a whole team BBQ and team building day. She has a lovely home about fifty yards from a private beach. We all paid a minimal amount and a couple of others helped her do the shopping and cooking. It was absolutely lovely. Relaxed and fun and less ‘polite conversation’ than a hired meeting room or restaurant where you only speak to the few people either side of you.

CherryPavlova Tue 12-Nov-19 08:26:04

Yes it would be two drama queen of you. They’ve made a generous offer. Why should it all revolve around you?

Sushiroller Tue 12-Nov-19 08:27:44

Say you will go and develop a vomiting bug the evening before.
Absolutely the simplest way and no one will care...

Do not ask the venue be changed...everything is booked for Christmas parties in August it would be awkward of you.

havingtochangeusernameagain Tue 12-Nov-19 08:28:33

I am a senior collegue and it would be expected of me that I come (aunt Sharon would not be enough of an excuse)

It's not for them to decide which of your relatives is enough of an excuse.

But in that case, say you are going to your husband's work do that evening and that was in the diary weeks ago, so sorry you are already booked. If you don't have a partner, make one up!

Xmasspirit Tue 12-Nov-19 08:28:39

With regards to finding a new job - I actually love my job and what I do. Most oc the time I am fairly independent from the team. And I will be looking for another job but not just yet.

habipprtyh Tue 12-Nov-19 08:29:25

I wouldn't go. I like to be in control on a night out and being somewhere public means that I can just leave whenever with minimal fuss.

kaldefotter Tue 12-Nov-19 08:30:11

Go, or don’t go.

You can’t dictate that they can’t host this meal. If you try, it will look immensely attention-seeking on your part, and people will talk about it. That would seem to be the opposite of what you’d want to achieve.

Work on a convincing excuse for not going instead.

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