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to feel really pissed off and patronised by someone telling me how hard it must have been for me to bring up a child?

(24 Posts)
wannaBe Fri 17-Aug-07 13:17:09

because that's what someone told me this morning. "oh, I know you have one, but it must have been so hard for you to manage". I just replied "no? I didn't find it hard at all" which is true actually and she seemed genuinely surprised but then went on to say "oh but he was a very co-operative child wasn't he, so you were very lucky" wtf?

And I know her attitude is born out of ignorance, but fgs I have a perfectly well-developed child, I am well-known round here, never had the need for any kind of help because I am totally independent, and yet people like that still have these types of attitudes.

NAB3 Fri 17-Aug-07 13:17:41


FioFio Fri 17-Aug-07 13:17:57

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FioFio Fri 17-Aug-07 13:18:11

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Iklboo Fri 17-Aug-07 13:19:20

WTF? Did she pat you on the head as well? Patronising bint

NAB3 Fri 17-Aug-07 13:19:59

I didn't understand where the other person had their problem. Sorry.

gess Fri 17-Aug-07 13:20:46

People think they can say anything they like about disability. We're always being told what a burden ds1 must be and how we must be some sort of saints.

She was probably trying to show respect for you iyswim without realising that it sounds totally patronising.

wannaBe Fri 17-Aug-07 13:20:59

ah sorry NAB3 I didn't ilaborate.

scorpio1 Fri 17-Aug-07 13:21:11

i hate people like that. nosey buggers.

gess Fri 17-Aug-07 13:21:26

and smug- I always think 'oh you cope so well I couldn;t do it' is smug! Not sure if you find the same....

EnormousChangesAtTheLastMinute Fri 17-Aug-07 13:22:00

no you're not being unreasonable. she's a cheeky mare.

FoghornLeghorn Fri 17-Aug-07 13:22:37

What an ald bag Wannabe

wannaBe Fri 17-Aug-07 13:22:48

<<<waves to jess>>> haven't seen you around for ages how are you?

wannaBe Fri 17-Aug-07 13:24:59

oops gess i mean <<note to self>> must pay attention to detail.

MyMILisDoloresUmbridge Fri 17-Aug-07 13:25:04

I always think, "I don't know how you do it" can roughly be translated as "You're completely mad to do it!" I have had this said to me about working and having children, breastfeeding and working, even bringing children on holidays! Sometimes people just can't see beyond their own little lives!

herladyship Fri 17-Aug-07 13:25:21

i think the person probably thought she was being kind, when actually she was just showing her own ignorance..

we should feel sorry for her really, as ignorance is actually a terrible affliction!

FioFio Fri 17-Aug-07 13:26:29

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kindersurprise Fri 17-Aug-07 13:34:16

You should have answered, "dont know how you would have managed since you are ignorant"

A friend was left blind after radiation treatment last year. The Institute for the Blind sent someone to help him adapt and to give information. The man told our friend that his life would never be the same again and that he would not be able to do many of the things he loved. He was told that he would not be able to go out for meals.

Ok, I accept that there are a few things that he might not be able to do anymore, but I he is still capable of eating out!

wannaBe Fri 17-Aug-07 15:06:53

kindersurprise I am and that someone who is supposed to have the interests of the visually impaired at heart could be so ignorant and give your friend such false information. Is it any wonder that the disabled are perceived by some as being helpless when those employed to help them are guilty of thinking the same?

There is no reason why your friend can't do most of the things he did before he lost his sight, with the possible exception of his flying lessons .

The only thing I can say with complete certainty that I am unable to do is drive a car. As for the rest, there are ways around everything.

As for not eating out, what a load of bollocks. Yes sometimes it is necessary to ask someone to read the menu but other than that there is no reason...

Give your friend my email address and I will be happy to talk to him;

skidoodle Fri 17-Aug-07 16:15:37

wannabe, it does sound pretty patronising, but I think these days saying that looking after kids is hard work is one of those truisms that people just say without thinking. She probably just thought that it must be more true for a blind person

I can't believe you said "no, I didn't find it hard at all". that is not the expected response to people commenting on what a burden young children are. You're meant to nod with a martyred look on your face, maybe give a little yawn to show how tired you are.

kindersurprise Mon 20-Aug-07 11:07:30

Thanks for that, I think he is doing well actually. I asked my Mum yesterday how he was doing and she said that he has just finished painting the garden shed. He had a system worked out to make sure that he did a good job and it worked well.

SleeplessInTheStaceym11House Mon 20-Aug-07 11:25:36

ok patronising mare!!!

but can i ask a question? do you have a special computer to help you MN?? dont mean to be patronising just wondering, i know my dad volunteers for RNIB and he fixes blind peoples computers but i never really understood how they work!

Theclosetpagan Mon 20-Aug-07 11:31:43

Depends how it was said. I admire anyone who brings up a child alone as I don't know what I'd do without my DH. Add a disability and I imagine that the challenges are even greater and yes - I would admire that person for their strength in meeting the challenges a child brings I don't think it would be in a patronising way I'd say that either - just an acknowledgement of the facts.

However, don't think I would then qualify it with "oh but he was a very co-operative child" etc - that is judgemental.

WigWamBam Mon 20-Aug-07 11:46:51

I think she was probably trying to pay you a compliment. She can't comprehend your blindness because she has no experience of it. She is probably reflecting her own feelings - how she would cope if she were to lose her sight - and her feelings don't reflect your reality.

My dh's aunt is blind from birth and treats it very much as a disability - she won't work, she wouldn't have children, she has to have someone with her all the time because she simply cannot (will not) cope on her own. Maybe this lady's only experience of blindness is of someone like this? It sounds as if you very quickly put her right, and hopefully she will think twice before she speaks next time!

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