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to expect PIL to treat all their GC the same way?

(27 Posts)
cali Thu 16-Aug-07 10:46:46

Apologies in advance as this could turn out to be v. long!
Dh grew up in a family with his own sister and 2 stepbrothers. SM treated him differently and he spent a lot of time with other relatives when young. We have a DD aged 2 and due to have baby next week.
Used to live fairly close to them but never really saw them all that often, seemed to get on ok when we did.
Due to change in DH's work, we made the decision that I would move back home and settle in Scotland (DH in navy). DH said that his parents would love to have DD and I stay with them for a weekend every couple of months, when I asked they said no problems, would really like it. Less than 24hours later, DH's SM calls him up and says she was very concerned about MY suggestion as they wouldn't be able to go out and do the things they wanted and leave me in the house by myself!!! (I'm only 35)
She then would phone me up and go on and on about her other GC , (DH's stepbrothers kids = her "real" GC) and tell me how much they loved their Nana and how they wanted to spend lots of time with her.
DH told them at beginning of the year that we were expecting no 2, a few months later, she calls him to say that they would come up to see us and new baby at the beginning of Aug as they were going to go on holiday at the end of Aug. Had forgotten that baby wasn't due till nearly end of Aug.
Now not coming up at all which has hurt DH, as previously they had emailed us pictures of her holding her other GC when they were less than an hour old - had been waiting at hospital for birth.
Realise that they do stay 400 miles away but they have forgotten DD's birthday, never seem to want to have any contact with her but when DH speaks to them, tell him all about what they have done/bought for other 2.
Feel they are missing out on having contact with DD but I did try, now feeling like never want them to see her or new baby!
Could just be all pregnancy hormones but......
Sorry again for length of thread but would love to hear from others and if anyone has any advice?

scorpio1 Thu 16-Aug-07 10:48:58

My PIL are exactly the same. they forget my dcs birthdays, NEVER see them, etc. they see their other GC (who is my dss) every fortnight. recently dss stayed there for 10 days-my ds's have never stayed there.

i get ££ as the excuse-but they afford to drive to see dss-it costs same fuel wise to get here as it does there.

I ignore it now. she is missing out-not me.

scorpio1 Thu 16-Aug-07 10:49:49

Oh and im pg again too-apparently they are going to see new baby more. 'my arse' comes to mind!

SleeplessInTheStaceym11House Thu 16-Aug-07 10:50:01

its horrible when parents treat kids differently! my husbands nan treats her youngest daughters new baby so differently to my MIL's kids, and it hurts my MIL and the kids! so unfair, but you cant tell some people!!!

cali Thu 16-Aug-07 10:53:07

Dh has invited them up for christmas but was told would be difficult to choose where to spend the day. Think will just have to do what you do and ignore it, but finding it difficult!

scorpio1 Thu 16-Aug-07 10:54:48

I know, its hard. has taken me 4 years to ignore it enough not to get hurt.

Feel proud that you do this yourself-without help. i do-i dont need help like dss mum does. Feel proud that you don't need people like that in your life, iyswim?

cali Thu 16-Aug-07 10:57:34

How true! If that's the type of people they are then do I really want them to have contact with my children and for them to grow up knowing that they are treated differently

scorpio1 Thu 16-Aug-07 11:00:22

my issue exactly. they will notice as they get older (ds1 - 5.2, ds2-2.9), and i will deal with that as it happens.

I don't want them to be overly aware of the constant excuses and bad reasons why-therefore they don't need to know too much about them.They are my world and thats all that matters. we have plenty of others who love them, so who cares?

Doodledootoo Thu 16-Aug-07 11:02:02

Message withdrawn

cali Thu 16-Aug-07 11:04:36

I'm lucky that my own parents live fairly close by and love DD to bits. Spoil her a bit, think trying to make up for lack of thought on DH's side of the family

scorpio1 Thu 16-Aug-07 11:05:18

thats what you need, Cali. people who support you and DD-and your new one.

devonsmummy Thu 16-Aug-07 11:08:29

well she's the one missing out. My MIL is the same with my DS 9mths old seen him 3 times. Didn't see him until he was 3 weeks old. Then at christmas got him a pair of booties and went on to say how her other grandsons had a car full of presents from them. DH want's me to visit her as not seen her since March - I don't want to as she's made it perfectly clear how she feels. My mum who lives abroad has seen my DS more than MIL. Grrr it's started me off now. Good luck with the impending birth - I'm sure your mind won't be on her once you see your newborn.

cali Thu 16-Aug-07 11:09:26

Doodledootoo, you have hit the nail on the head, Dh's dad won't say anything as he just wants a quiet life and seems to go along with whatever Dh's SM says. His dad is missing out and I keep telling DH that our children are as much her grandchildren as his step brothers are his dad's! hope that makes sense.
it was his dad who I initially spoke to about us coming down for the occasional weekend and he was really pleased, I wouldn't have been on my own as DH would have been there too!!

cali Thu 16-Aug-07 11:12:45

should really stop SMIL bashing as just realised have hopefully last ANC appt in 2 hours and can just feel blood pressure rising at the thought of SMIL

scorpio1 Thu 16-Aug-07 11:13:37

PIL are fabby for that!

cali Thu 16-Aug-07 11:16:07

Devonsmummy, what is it about them?
She called me one day to tell me all about the difficulties they had trying to find a sand and water table for one of her GC's birthdays
DD got a top from tescos' for her 1st birthday!!

(found out later sand and water table cost £40)

Lorayn Thu 16-Aug-07 11:29:14

ugh, my XMIL treated my kids so different to the rest of her grandchildren, she used to have SIL's son every day whilst she was at work, when DD was born XP asked her if she could have DD for me to go to work, she refused saying she couldn't as she was too old and not having anymore kids to look after, fair enough we thought, then SIL got pregnant again, and her 6 week old son, started, low and behold to go to nannies with his brother, now ALL day instead of just the morning. I complained about this to BIL's wife, who told me MIL had told her to hurry up and have a baby and that she would look after that one *as well* when it was born, I couldn't help but wonder why my DD was so different. I got pregnant again, and had a new job, which on fridays, I started before my DD started school, MIL, unhappily agreed to have her for half an hour and to take her to school (she was already taking two other GC to school plus a friends daughter) But when I asked if she could also drop DS at nursery she refused, so I had to pay extra and drop him at nursery at 7:30.
Last year, BIL's wife had a little girl, and she is now in the care of grandma, 3 full days a week, oh, and she also has, BIL's wifes sisters child after school 3 days a week!!!!!!
Thankfully I no longer live anywhere near her and do not have to ask her for any help as my new DP's parents would willingly do anything for my children.

Doodledootoo Thu 16-Aug-07 11:35:13

Message withdrawn

Doodledootoo Thu 16-Aug-07 11:37:18

Message withdrawn

QueenofBleach Thu 16-Aug-07 11:37:51

Reading all of these makes me realise what a great mother I have, my half sister got a bit emotional a few years ago and said that if it wasn't for my DM her SM none of them would have any contact with their father, or at least not the relationship they have now, my DM has 15 SGC, always remembers birthdays, very generous with presents, everyone gets the same amount spent on them including my DD who is a first blood GC, she is extremely fiar and tries really hard not to separate step from blood

cali Thu 16-Aug-07 11:41:18

Doodledootoo you're not butting in, she was like this when we lived an hour from them and my parents were a 8 hour drive away so that she can't use that as an excuse!
DH says that this is how she treated him as a child.

cali Thu 16-Aug-07 11:44:22

Lorayn, nice to know your DP's parents would do anything for you and that you no longer have to see xmil!

Lorayn Thu 16-Aug-07 11:54:05

I still have no idea why it is though, or what I would've have done about it if it had carried on!!
I used to think it was cos her daughter had actually carried the other children whereas her son hadn't carried ours (obviously!!), but then when BIL's wife got the same special treatment it blew that idea out of the window. I hope you can get something sorted, I know how distressing it can be. x

cali Thu 16-Aug-07 12:04:41

thanks for all your messages, not happy that we have to put up with MIL's but nice to know that we are not on our own. At least l know where to come when l need to let of some steam!

fiddlemama Thu 16-Aug-07 12:20:11

It's so hard when GPs don't bother with the kids. My MIL lives in Ireland and we used to visit quite regularly, but since DH lost his job three years ago and we started our own business, things have been v tough re ££ and we havn't been able to afford to make the journey.

MIL always ranting on about BIL's kids and how she loves to see them (they go regularly and BIL is able to send air fares for her to visit England)- he lives in south, she never ventures up north and always comes in term time so we can't take kids down.

Last year she visited the Lake District in school summer hols to do a painting course and didn't tell us until after she was back in Ireland. When I said that was a shame as Lakes only a couple of hours drive from us and as school holidays could have bowled over with the kids for a day she said she had "been far too busy to see the kids".

DS, who with his older sister is a music scholar at a specialist school (they have government funded places as we can't afford) came home this hols with a professionaliy produced CD of him playing a 'cello recital. We sent MIL a copy and she didn't even ring to say she'd got it. When DH spoke to her on the 'phone over a week later she said , when asked, "Oh yes it did come thanks but I haven't listened to it yet".

Ashamed to say we lied to DS and told him Grandma thought it was very nice as he'd be so hurt that she couldn't even be bothered to listen to it.

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