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AIBU to ignore 'D'Sis

(27 Posts)
SleeplessInSwords Thu 24-Oct-19 04:50:38

NC for this one as I don't want her finding my other posts.
Irish family. We all scattered a few years ago but we've always gone back for Xmas/Easter and stay in touch.
I've been in Greece the past couple of years. When I came back, I was pregnant and trying to find a house to rent which in Dublin area is like hen's teeth with no references/job.
DSis1 invited me to visit when I got back. After I'd made the long, expensive journey to see her, she text me the day of the visit to say she couldn't see me as she had gone bowling with a friend. I went to visit a couple of my own friends over there, and hightailed it back to Dublin to keep looking for houses in my price range, feeling quite a bit miffed.
The next thing I knew, she invited herself to my (nonexistent) home for two weeks so we could have a "girly trip" in Dublin. She thinks everything is an appointment and she invited herself right before my due date, even telling me "but you said you weren't due until [date]" when I turned her down (I felt terrible about it). She immediately said she had some holiday in September and would come then instead. I felt like she was being a bit of a CF inviting herself over, but she's my sister so I said "great, let me know what date you decide". She never replied. The message definitely sent.
That week I settled on a house out in Louth (a bit rural) where I don't get much phone coverage for calls but I always get texts eventually.
The next thing I know, DM was texting me asking why I'd told DSis1 she couldn't visit, then suggesting I invite her asap, and saying DSis1 could help me and DH with the new baby (DSis1 is childless and I've seen her being pretty careless with DSis2's baby at Easter/Christmas, but she's the sort to tell people how to parent even though she doesn't know what she's talking about).
So DSis1 blatantly went to DM and basically said I wouldn't let her visit when really I'd told her that her suggestion of September was fine and all she had to do was tell me when she was coming, then show up. I know I'm being cynical, but I feel like she's less inclined now my house isn't close enough to the centre of Dublin for her to use as a free hotel. She has no interest in the baby who is my world.
Yesterday, she sent me a text saying "I have decided I'm at a point in life where textings too childish for me, which day this week can you call?"
I thought, what on Earth?! Such a strange text to get out of the blue and I didn't know how to answer it. I worried very late last night and lost sleep as I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to foot the bill for a long international rate call and my baby is very ill with an ongoing condition, so I don't have the time or energy to faff around driving somewhere with a phone signal. Anyway, why should I, when she's first gone bowling after I made a special trip to see her (at her request) and then she's gone and told DM some lies about me? She has form for stirring but usually she leaves a grain of truth in it.
So her next text, today, was, "I am here when you're ready to talk" and I just don't know what on Earth she's on about, it sounds like she thinks I have something I need to get off my chest. DSis1 oscillates between being super friendly and stabbing me in the back or spreading exaggerations about me to make me look bad to DM and DSis2, and I usually try really hard to accommodate her because she's my sister but since DD was born I just can't bring myself to go along with the nonsense. She didn't even congratulate me or send a card or anything.
I'm dreading the comeback from DM when DSis tells her the next load of nonsense. AIBU to just ignore DSis/only give her the bare minimum reply so she can't tell DM I'm not replying? I currently have nothing nice to say to her and don't want to start an argument as she'd love that.

surlycurly Thu 24-Oct-19 05:05:18

Just message her back and say that a call is really difficult because if the baby just now and you want to give her your full attention so until the baby is better the call will have to go on hold. In the interim you're happy to text as you don't think it's childish, just practical. Don't invite her to stay. Use the baby as an excuse. Tell you mother why you're not inviting her and ask her to respect your decision, stating that you're sure she remembers what it was like to be a young mum and how you need to do the right thing for your LO and not your DS. How she'll obviously agree with that because it's the only reasonable thing to do at the moment. Also tell her that you all need to establish some healthy boundaries moving forwards. If she tries to put you into your place and treat you like you're five, remind her again that although you love her, you're not a child. She sounds like she's coming out to bat for your sister when she's being unreasonable and getting mixed up in all of this by pulling rank as the maw. You need to push these people back a bit and make some decisions that are best for you just now. Not be dominated by two women who don't have your best interests at heart.

toomuchtooold Thu 24-Oct-19 05:12:24

I think I'd just reply to the last text with a thumbs up or similar and then be like "great! Good to know. I'm really busy at the moment as the baby is poorly, and I don't have great reception in the house so it's difficult for me to call but we'll catch up soon xxx" and then just fucking ignore her. She sounds like a total pain in the arse.

Mummimum Thu 24-Oct-19 10:32:03

We use Skype or facetime for calls to other countries. Skype can call real telephones at a much cheaper price than when you use your phone

Dragonfly3 Thu 24-Oct-19 10:40:09

'Hi Sister what a shame you've decided texting is childish as it's really the best way for me to communicate with everyone due to having a sick baby and a bad phone reception. I can't commit to making a definite time for calling but will stay in touch by text. Hope all is well with you.' Basically why does she get to dictate how you communicate? Take a bit of control back and say that you're not phoning but will communicate by text when you have time and signal. Your reasons trump hers - you have a bad phone signal and a new baby who isn't keeping very well. Her reasons are that it's too childish. Ohhhkayyy.

AryaStarkWolf Thu 24-Oct-19 10:44:53

I think I'd just reply to the last text with a thumbs up or similar and then be like "great! Good to know. I'm really busy at the moment as the baby is poorly, and I don't have great reception in the house so it's difficult for me to call but we'll catch up soon xxx" and then just fucking ignore her. She sounds like a total pain in the arse.

This is perfect

Beesandcheese Thu 24-Oct-19 10:46:29

God. What a dramallama! Just as above. Really positive: that's great! Really swamped right now, I will call when the signal is better / I'm not so busy xx the more passivery aggressive exclamation marks the better really.

Beesandcheese Thu 24-Oct-19 10:48:15

Also a future comment about finding needing to be in a city all the time so juevenile these days seems worth it if it's clear youre joking of course

NearlyGranny Thu 24-Oct-19 10:57:46

She wants you to call so it's on your bill! Text her telling her to call anytime, but warn her reception is not good and if you don't answer it might be that the baby's crying.

PixieDustt Thu 24-Oct-19 11:00:37

Sounds like my sister! Always out for an argument. She could have an argument with herself. Mum and Sisters always take her side so I don't both with them anymore, they don't bother with me either so says a lot really!

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 24-Oct-19 11:27:53

I’d send toomuch’s message and if you mother contacts you again about this respond along the lines of “Stop treating me like a child. I am an adult with a poorly child of my own to take care of. I invited dsis in September, not that it is any of your business. Now butt out.” And wait for the sparks to fly. Be like the centre of a hurricane, where all around is whirling. But you are, strong and still. Do not engage further. They both sound very similar so you won’t “win” against them.

bluebella4 Thu 24-Oct-19 11:37:10

Call her out on her lies! Put you and you baby first, work with what suits you-put that forward to your sister and mum! Don't give in. You will not be putting out the red carpet for her to treat you like shit. Fuck that.... life's to short to accommodate that behaviour. I wouldn't feed it!

You tend to feed it just to avoid conflict and drama but after a while they soon realise your not putting up with it.

Congratulations on your little one 😀

Wallywobbles Thu 24-Oct-19 11:39:43

WhatsApp might be your friend if you've got broadband.

frazzledasarock Thu 24-Oct-19 11:43:16

I’d message back ‘sure call me when you’re free. I’m here for you’

Let her pay for the extortionate phonecall, and make it a long inane rambling call, get the cat to talk to her on the phone too make sure it costs her.

fedup21 Thu 24-Oct-19 11:47:25

She has decided that a phone call would be best but you have to pay for the call?!

She sounds like jolly hard work!

7Worfs Thu 24-Oct-19 11:58:41

OP, if you are losing sleep over her, you need to cut her off, at least for the time being.
If your DM starts giving you grief about it, tell her you don’t have time for drama - she either needs to change the subject or you hang up/go away.

Losing sleep indeed! Anyone who has such a psychological grip on you needs to go/be firmly put in place.

Nofunkingworriesmate Thu 24-Oct-19 12:01:44

That’s a lots of drama and angst over nothing
Just send simple text “ call me whenever but signal is bad, text or Skype better”

Windydaysuponus Thu 24-Oct-19 12:06:11

Hi dsis. I have got to a point in my life where dealing with your drama is ridiculous.
Stop telling tales (lies) to our dm.
I am busy raising a sick dc.
See you at Christmas as usual.
Love dsis.

NormaBean Thu 24-Oct-19 12:16:30

Agree with ‘great, call me when you’re free’.

If it were me, I’d be missing a lot of her calls and scaling back the contact to just the two family gatherings you mentioned. You’ve already lost sleep over her actions, don’t waste more time on her.

EileenAlanna Thu 24-Oct-19 12:43:48

Tell your DM you've no time to pander to Dsis1's nonsense these days & she knows fine well herself what she's like, & you'll communicate on your own terms or not at all from here on in. I'm Irish too - you're Mammy now, don't let any of them forget it.

justilou1 Thu 24-Oct-19 12:58:35

If she does call you, make sure you regale her with fascinating stories of waking through the night, the fourteen tonnes of vomit-covered baby clothes that need to be washed, chapped nipples, the stench of dirty nappies, the incessant crying, etc... Make that visit sound mega-appealing!!!
(I hope baby gets better very soon!!!)

WhatchaMaCalllit Thu 24-Oct-19 13:08:27

I'm with the others who have suggested turning it around and saying "Great to hear from you. Sorry I haven't replied so far. Your niece/nephew is quite poorly at the moment so I really haven't even had time for a shower let alone a phone call. I am here for you whenever you want to phone me"

If you want to, get in there to your DM and say that your DSis appears to be back to her old ways of stretching the truth to fit her version of the story so you want your DM to hear your side too. Then she can decide to intervene (tell your DSis to butt out) or stay silent in the matter and let her daughters discuss this between themselves. She will need to say to your DSis that she no longer wants to be an middle-man in your conversations (hopefully they will dry up when your DSis realises that she no longer has an audience for her stories).

Best of luck to you with it.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe Thu 24-Oct-19 13:17:33

OP I don;t mean to be disrespectful when I say this but you are a wife and a mother and probably doing an amazing job at being both....your mum and sis have no hold on as you please. Reply when you like to who you like when your ready.It really is as simple as that.Let your mum and sis have their dramas you dont need to play the game.

littlepaddypaws Thu 24-Oct-19 13:18:24

dm needs to butt out and dsis needs to be told you, sleepless make arrangements for visiting, you have more important things to deal with right now, your baby.

RhiWrites Thu 24-Oct-19 13:24:46

I vote for @Dragonfly3 ‘s message. As she says, why should everything be on your sister’s terms?

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