Friend A cancelling for a better offer with friend B. AIBU?

[KentuckyBourbonWhiskey]

I have two friends, I’ll call them A and B. We studied and lived together for a few years in our teens/20s and are still close 20+ years later. I had DC many years before they did so I would say they grew closer as friends for a time as they were still doing clubbing, Ibiza hols etc while I had babies.

Now friend B has small children so she has been coming to me for advice a lot more. The dynamics have changed a lot as I’ll see friend B with the kids sometimes but I’ll also see A as we like going to the same gigs. And sometimes we meet altogether.

I’ve been quite down for a while due to various things (I’m having counselling) and friends have been very supportive up until now. Friend A and I had tickets to a concert that was booked early this year. Friend B not particularly into the band so it was just the two of us. The show is coming up in a couple of weeks.

Both friend A and B popped round for a few glasses of wine yesterday and I mentioned the concert coming up, and was looking forward to it, and I’ve had to take an annual leave day for it as I was due to work that evening. Friend A looks awkward and then says she can no longer go as she’s away for that weekend. Is very cagey about where she’s going.

I was quite surprised and said that She hadn’t given me much notice to cancel, but shit happens, I then said “hey friend B, I know you’re not really into that band but would you take the ticket and come with me?” and then she looked awkward and explained that she was going on the weekend away with A and a bunch of our other mutual friends and all their partners for B’s birthday.

I couldn’t help but feel crushed as I sat in my living room knowing that not only had the original plans been tossed aside but I had hardly been given any notice to find another friend to go with (it’s not a pop act, it’s more niche I guess). No mention of a refund or giving me the tickets. And of course the realisation that I hadn’t been invited on the weekend away which did sting, I must admit. B’s children are going on the weekend so it’s not an adult only thing.

The following morning I was still really upset about it and sent a message saying I didn’t think it was right to blow out the concert without bothering to tell me. Friend A has apologised and sent me the money for my ticket back.
Friend B acknowledges it was handled badly as they were sat in my front room and it was awkward but essentially doesn’t see a problem with A’s change of plans.

AIBU to think this has been a reality check and we aren’t as good friends as I thought we were? I feel so sad and rejected.

[AntiHop]

They've both behaved badly, and you're right to be angry.

[MegBusset]

Oh this is very crappy behaviour on both their parts. I'd sell the spare ticket and go to the gig anyway. And maybe look at broadening your friendship circles.

[Stuckinanutshell]

Absolute bitches. Not only did A blow you off but they behaved in a very underhanded way. I would need to actually flat out ask them what’s happened here as leaving someone out like this is really cruel.

I don’t know how others will respond here - some might say to just get over it but I totally understand that you would be hurt and crushed.

Things like this make you reevaluate a friendship.

For me this would fester and I would need to ask them directly why I wasn’t invited.

[maslinpan]

Really shitty behaviour from both of them, not surprised you feel hurt.

[Merryoldgoat]

That’s terrible behaviour. You are right. They don’t value your friendship and it’s a reality check. Time to withdraw and make new friends.

[FloatingObject]

I'm really sorry. This is shit and so disrespectful. The thing that would hurt me most is not being invited to the birthday

[tequilasunrises]

That’s rotten. I’d have said something sarky like ‘Thanks for my invite!’.

You poor thing OP There have been a few threads like this recently and they make me so annoyed! YADNBU.

[BBBear]

So B hasn’t invited you for her birthday weekend and A has ditched you to go to the birthday weekend.

That’s really shitty of both of them.

Wasn’t B even embarrassed when you found out you aren’t invited?

[IndiGHOSTHEXagon]

So what is A doing with the tickets? Why couldn’t you have had the spare?? Sounds like she may have already sold them on without telling you.

They’ve been really shitty friends - for not inviting you to the weekend and shitting on your plans!

[YelloThere]

I feel sad for you as that’s really shitty of them.
Hope it doesn’t eat you up too much.

I think the petty side of me would just write them off and move on from them.
Or they would have to do a lot to make it up to me.

[KentuckyBourbonWhiskey]

Thank you for your replies. I’ve been given a refund for my ticket but not the tickets so I think I’ll just cancel my annual leave day quick so I can take it another time I need it.

It’s not really about the gig itself, it was more about feeling like such a mug. It was pretty awful. I actually think they felt bad when they told me, and it seems to me that they truly did not even consider me for a moment when all this was booked.

[EduCated]

Ouch. YANBU. I’m sorry they both felt it ok to treat you like that. Really quite unpleasant.

[LazyLizzy]

I'd have shown the cheeky sly fuckers the door.

Who needs friends like that.

[Thewindsofchange]

That's a really shitty thing to do.

[Jeschara]

They were very calculating please find new friends. As for sending you the money back how dismissive. You were looking forward to the concert, your friends are very nasty.

[AloeVeraLynn]

Oh man that's actually really cold. Yanbu, I would be gutted. I would probably be easing off of the friendship too.

[Peggywoolley]

Properly shitty behaviour. These are not friends.

[GruciusMalfoy]

They aren't good friends. They're a pair of arseholes.

[magoria]

Nasty pair of bitches.

You know what you mean to them now.

They have lost a far better friend in you than you have lost in them.

[KentuckyBourbonWhiskey]

Friend B was embarrassed about the birthday weekend but quickly said that they have had weekends away without me before (these were before B had children though, adults only heavy drinking/clubbing weekends. I did go along to one once though and left the DC with DH).

[Pinkyyy]

YANBU. They're bitches.

[honeylulu]

So so horrible. I wonder when A was going to tell you, if you hadn't brought it up! That's bad enough in itself.

But to find she'd been poached away by B for a better offer, with your mutual friends is really hurtful. Especially as B had not even invited you to the weekend knowing that you were now without your concert companion and might want to rejig.

I had a "wendy" friend who did something similar to me over theatre tickets, cancelled because her husband was coming back from a trip abroad and wanted to spend time with him yada yada. In the meantime I'd been invited to a mutual friends party (at least I was invited) and didn't want to go to the show on my own so I sold tickets. Went to friends party, doorbell rang, I opened it, Wendy stood there with bag of wine bottles clanking. She said "oh shit". I've barely spoken to her since. (To add insult to injury I'd introduced her to the mutual friends!)

[historysock]

That's actually really horrible on both the gig front, the not being open about it, and the excluding you. Why would you not be invited on the weekend away? Is there any good reason for that?
I think they've both been nasty and I would be get hurt too.

[GettingABitDesperateNow]

It seems like you're not at close to B as you thought. But A has behaved like a total shit, accepted another invitation even though she had something arranged with you is horrible, but it seems like she wasnt even going to mention it to you. If you hadn't asked when would she have let you know? You could have wasted a load of money and a days holiday. It's a horrible thing to do at the best of times let alone when you've been having a bad time and were looking forward to it

[PinkPonyPalace]

I have a friend who used to routinely drop me if she got a better offer. The one time I had to cancel an arrangement (sick child who had just received a very upsetting medical diagnosis), she went batshit. As a result, I will no longer invite her to anything, but am civil if we happen to be at the same event with mutual friends. It’s hurtful, disrespectful and rude. I figured if she didn’t value the friendship, then there was no point me keep trying. That was 5 years ago, and, as I say, I am civil and happy to spend time with her, but I no longer invest in the friendship. I feel much happier and freer as a result. Hopefully you can redraw the lines of your friendship on your terms.