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to be unwilling to shag randomly?

(108 Posts)
chakra2 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:54:34

So, I have a personal belief that sex is really intimate and not something I want to engage in with people who don’t care about me or that I barely know. Mates think I've lost the plot with this way of living my life.
Obviously this is about how I choose to live MY life — what other people choose is their business. However, my female friends think I’m basically nuts to only want sex with a person I love. One friend said sex is “just a bodily function, like urinating or drinking a glass of water” and that you should shag a guy on the 1st date if possible to see whether he’s any good or not and whether you’re compatible before investing time in going out with him again.
Another friend said she’s surprised men even date me at all given that they’re not getting any sex for at least 3 or so months while I get to know them. Am told my behaviour belongs in the 1950s

Idontneeditatall Tue 22-Oct-19 12:55:34

No problem with this at all op. You continue and don’t do anything you don’t want to do

Couchpotato3 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:56:14

Your life, your choice. None of anyone else's business. If a man isn't willing to wait, he's not for you.

ErrolTheDragon Tue 22-Oct-19 12:57:07

Of course YANBU.

Your body and mind, your rules.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere Tue 22-Oct-19 12:57:42

She's nuts, and rude. I'm happy to shag randomly but that's for me, I don't judge people who don't agree with me!

You be yourself and don't be pressured into doing anything you don't want to.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:59:50

You really need to find new friends. Preferably ones who don't behave like 13 year olds.

keepingbees Tue 22-Oct-19 13:00:24

Yanbu. Your body, your life.

Sex means different things to different people. Absolutely nothing wrong in keeping it for someone you love.

Serenschintte Tue 22-Oct-19 13:01:26

Just ignore then op. Your perspective seems perfectly reasonable. There’s lots of research there about the benefits of sex in a monogamous loving relationship and that is itsnt just another bodily function.

Kaboni19 Tue 22-Oct-19 13:02:40

You have your morals and they have theirs.
As long as you're not expecting them to follow yours I don't see why they're being negative about them especially friends.
Also anyone who can't respect your feelings while dating you isn't worth dating in the first place. The right person for you will find no problem waiting for sex.

ISawyouinTescoyesterday Tue 22-Oct-19 13:02:50

Hi. I agree with you op and my advice is you find new friends, if they cannot accept that is your value in life.

SerenDippitty Tue 22-Oct-19 13:02:56

YANBU in any way.

woodhill Tue 22-Oct-19 13:03:02

You are Very sensible imo

user1493413286 Tue 22-Oct-19 13:03:51

I don’t know why it matters to them what you do and I wonder whether for the second friend it says more about her own insecurities around having sex early on with men than it does about you. I can’t say I’ve ever waited particularly long but if my friend did I can’t see why it’d bother me. I imagine if a man doesn’t want to wait then he’s not the one for you.

GinDaddy Tue 22-Oct-19 13:04:16

OP please ignore these people - they are trying to drag you into what they do in order to feel validated. Perhaps some of them even feel threatened by your viewpoint, because they are insecure and automatically take it as some sort of moral superiority (which it isn't, it's just your choices!)

ZaZathecat Tue 22-Oct-19 13:04:43

So she thinks you should go against your own desires and have sex with people you don't know or have feelings for, in what world is that meant to make you feel good? Ignore this childish goading.

ErrolTheDragon Tue 22-Oct-19 13:05:46

Actually, it's them who are behind the times. You just need to 'identify' as Demisexual.

(I'm not serious about that, unless any of them describe themselves as pan or polyamorous)

chakra2 Tue 22-Oct-19 13:07:44

I'd normally just brush this off and think "whatever." But I think it's quite a sensitive subject for me now. My last partner (and father of my baby) was a vicious sociopath. He was able to wear a "mask" of sanity for quite some time. I waited around 4 months to get to know him before we had sex. However, he ended up saying that "only a whore" would have agreed to have sex with him when he hasn't even committed to marriage and he buggered off, discarded me while pregnant, and married somebody from his own background (he's Muslim). He maintained that the fact I had sex with him while only dating was disappointing to him.
It all feels quite raw.

betternamepending Tue 22-Oct-19 13:08:38

Are those friends all in a long and happy marriage?

PookieDo Tue 22-Oct-19 13:13:26

This is usually thought of by people hypothetically, who are not actually in the same situation to do any of this kind of thing
So their fantasy about what they think you should do is often not the reality about what they would actually do in the same situation

Kaboni19 Tue 22-Oct-19 13:14:21

I'm sorry you experienced that with your ex and I understand why that would cause you to think and feel a certain way.
If someone is an A hole it doesn't matter whether you sleep with them on the 1st night you meet or the 150th, they will eventually show their true colours and it doesn't mean a thing on your character.

UnaCorda Tue 22-Oct-19 13:16:56

Your last partner was a cunt. Sorry.

Picklypickles Tue 22-Oct-19 13:19:52

Ignore these people, normal people aren't this invested in their friends sex lives. We're all different, perhaps sex isn't a big deal for some people but for others it is, as long as your sex life isn't directly affecting others then it isn't anyone elses concern.

Bellringer Tue 22-Oct-19 13:23:31

Do what you are comfortable with. Your ex is an idiot

thecatsthecats Tue 22-Oct-19 13:25:36

Your last partner was a cunt.

But then your screening process didn't pick this up. To play devil's advocate, if you'd taken her approach, you'd have found out much, much sooner.

I am NOT advocating that you change your approach - but it's not a consequence of your experience with this man, because it was already what you were doing.

Was your friend pointing that out?

Dollywilde Tue 22-Oct-19 13:26:13

I’m sorry you went though that with your ex.

I am in a tight knit friendship group of a bunch of women in our early 30s. One doesn’t believe in sex before marriage, another has slept with 50+, generally no later than date 3 and often on date 1 or as a ONS. The rest of us are on a scale somewhere between those two points.

The issue IMO is not different attitudes to sex (like anything it’s whatever a person is comfortable with) but refusing to accept that someone’s opinions and actions are different to yours. Your ‘friends’ sound pretty nasty.

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