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intervering MIL

(69 Posts)
Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 10:55:55

Hello everyone,
am I being unreasonable that I don't want my mother in law to take my child away for the day?

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:16:53

Have you spoken to your DH about this (the general situation not this trip)? Perhaps he doesn’t understand how much it’s upsetting you.
He does but switches off as he doesn't want hassle he says he doesn't want to upset me or his mother but its always me that has to stand down.

DarlingNikita Tue 22-Oct-19 12:16:55

Can I ask why you don't want your child on social media why can her grandparents show him/her off. I have a friend who has this with when daughter-in-law and whilst it's your choice I can get my head round it.

I know people with babies/children who also choose not to have their child on social media, both for the OP's reasons and because the child doesn't have a say in it and they don't want to put pictures etc up without the child being able to give informed consent. It's not that hard to understand, is it?

Contraceptionismyfriend Tue 22-Oct-19 12:20:16

So be upset! Tell him that he is a husband and a father first and that if you are the woman he wants to be with he has to sort this shit out.

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:22:29

So be upset! Tell him that he is a husband and a father first and that if you are the woman he wants to be with he has to sort this shit out.

will do, something needs to be done

BreatheAndFocus Tue 22-Oct-19 12:35:49

He does but switches off as he doesn't want hassle he says he doesn't want to upset me or his mother but its always me that has to stand down

Tell him what you said there. Tell him he needs to set some boundaries with his mother. Remind him you and your DC are his family and, although connected to both families, are a separate unit that he should be supporting.

Your MIL sounds like a bully with that whole photo affair. Nasty.

BTW, I don’t put photos of my DC on social media. You’re doing nothing wrong. Ignore the bullying cow. Sorry, but I’m feeling angry on your behalf.

If you need support with feeling down, do speak to someone. But your feelings about your MIL are valid.

Beveren Tue 22-Oct-19 12:39:03

so basically she would say oh so and so is coming over at this time, she always did this when my husband wasn't home

I know you were vulnerable at the time, but I hope you've managed to put in some boundaries since then? It's easy enough to say "Sorry, no, that doesn't work for me, I'll let YOU know when it may be convenient for people to call."

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:39:35

Tell him what you said there. Tell him he needs to set some boundaries with his mother. Remind him you and your DC are his family and, although connected to both families, are a separate unit that he should be supporting.

this is great i have written this down and will speak with him tonight

Jojowash Tue 22-Oct-19 12:42:46

Maybe anxieties stemming from your pnd. We all have that overwhelming protectiveness at the best of time. I was happy for mine to take little ones out now and then. I don't think it should be a problem personally, it's quite nice x

Motoko Tue 22-Oct-19 12:43:29

OP, it's your decision. She sounds awful, and I wouldn't want her doing childcare for me, because I wouldn't be able to trust her. I suppose her doing childcare is her idea, and your husband wants her to do it. Is that correct?

The thing is though, if she's looking after your child one day a week, she can just take your child on these trips then, and not tell you. You need to stop using her for childcare.

There's nothing wrong per se, with a grandparent wanting to take their GC out for the day, but it depends on how old the child is, the distance involved, whether the mother trusts the GP to keep the child to their routine, as much as possible, and whether the GP will also adhere to any other things the mother asks them to do, or not to do.
If you can't trust them, then absolutely you should say no.

You need to kick up more of a fuss than his mother, so your DH takes your side, instead of hers. You are the one he's living with, who he wanted to have children with, so he needs to back you up. Otherwise, he can go back and live with her.

And I say this as a grandmother, and when I was a young mum, I knew I could trust both sets of GPs, so my children often went out for the day, or even on holiday, with them. But the difference being, I trusted them, and the children were a few years older then.

Lolapusht Tue 22-Oct-19 12:47:31

That sounds completely unreasonable and horrible to have been expected to do all of that! Your DH sounds like he’s not balancing your needs at all and his not wanting to upset you or his mum just ends up with his mum getting what she wants and you being upset. I’m sure there will be some that say it’s lovely to have a gran involved...she’s helping with childcare etc but your wishes are regularly being undermined and if you don’t feel like you are in control of being a parent that may well contribute to how you’re feeling.

Have a look at this link as there may be something that helps

PND

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:49:55

OP, it's your decision. She sounds awful, and I wouldn't want her doing childcare for me, because I wouldn't be able to trust her. I suppose her doing childcare is her idea, and your husband wants her to do it. Is that correct?
yes her idea its to help with cost apparently.

i think your right i just don't trust that she will stick to my routine with my DC and i can almost be certain if i asked her to be back by a certain time she would come back late.

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:57:24

*That sounds completely unreasonable and horrible to have been expected to do all of that! Your DH sounds like he’s not balancing your needs at all and his not wanting to upset you or his mum just ends up with his mum getting what she wants and you being upset. I’m sure there will be some that say it’s lovely to have a gran involved...she’s helping with childcare etc but your wishes are regularly being undermined and if you don’t feel like you are in control of being a parent that may well contribute to how you’re feeling.

Have a look at this link as there may be something that helps*

thank you, you have hit the nail on the head here.
i think i best get in contact with my HV.

sweetiepy Tue 22-Oct-19 13:04:05

It is up to the parents if they want their child’s photos on Facebook, nobody else! My daughter chooses when to post pictures of her baby, not I, and I respect her choices!

When my gd was born I offered to cook their evening meals for the first week or so to help them out. They could come to my house and leave straight afterwards if they wished, or I would take their meal to their home and drop it off! Again I respected their choices!

Op, your dh and you should decide on the boundaries you wish to have and you should support each other to stick to these boundaries!
It is the grandparents duty to support their family, not to dictate what should happen!
I have a great relationship with both my dd and dsil because they know I respect the way they wish to bring up their child and will not overstep any boundaries.

Nofunkingworriesmate Tue 22-Oct-19 13:04:18

She sounds horrible and scary that she works in mental health hope togod I never meet her!
Cant believe she invited randoms over to your house post birth
You need to get oh to tell her no to the days out, The photos post birth I would hate that too!

Sotiredbutcannotsleep Tue 22-Oct-19 13:08:42

My sister has this exact situation with her MIL except she insisted on taking her DC one day a week since DC was 4 weeks old. Unfortunately BIL pressured my sister to do this too. My sister felt the same as you and I feel with in laws you should only start something if you don't mind them thinking this is ok for it to be a regular thing. My dsis believes this contributed to her PND and unfortunately in her case, it definitely does sound like the MIL is trying to take the place of a parent (deciding on what DC should wear on special occasions, decorating a spare room in her house with bed etc for DC without consulting dsis whether DC can stay overnight, planning days out with DC without consulting dsis and being very forceful on occasions with her decisions). My dsis feels she was only a convenient walking womb for her. Listen to your gut, if you are not comfortable then don't do it. Re-assess the situation in a year's time, you may be ok with it in the future once everyone is clear on boundaries and you've seen them respecting your choices like routine etc. Good luck.

Sotiredbutcannotsleep Tue 22-Oct-19 13:13:52

Sorry just to add her MIL works in social services and is has made accusations before to scare my dsis, like a controlling thing. Not to say that is what is happening in your situation but just to say some MILs have major insecurities about not being the 'favoured' grandparent when it's their son's DC.

aweedropofsancerre Tue 22-Oct-19 13:52:14

Sotiredbutcannotsleep that is shocking. Is your sister still with her DH? If that had been my adult DD being treated like by the MIL I would have been on the phone to the woman and her pathetic DH. Very sad

Sotiredbutcannotsleep Tue 22-Oct-19 14:29:30

They did split up briefly and our family tried to help her (she did the Freedom course, called Womens Aid, saw a solicitor etc) but in the end I think she thought it better to go back as even with 50/50 custody, the MIL would probably be taking the DC instead of BIL. sad

Blondebakingmumma Tue 22-Oct-19 15:06:25

Just say no!

You don’t have to justify why.

I really feel that people only take advantage of ppl who let them.

Say no

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