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intervering MIL

(69 Posts)
Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 10:55:55

Hello everyone,
am I being unreasonable that I don't want my mother in law to take my child away for the day?

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong Tue 22-Oct-19 10:57:12

Bit vague for anyone to give an opinion. Can we have more detail? How old is the child? Why does MIL want to take child away for the day?

Itsreallymehonest Tue 22-Oct-19 10:57:52

I think we need a little more information on context.

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 11:05:28

Sorry, my child is 13months old and she wants to take him to the beach or places that are a fair few hours drive away, and I don't know why but it just almost panics me a little.
I think she wants to do it as she let her MIL do the same with her son, but I'm not comfortable with it.

aweedropofsancerre Tue 22-Oct-19 11:12:34

Your DC your decision. If your not comfortable then the answer is no. My MIL never tried to take my DC away. She happily had them overnight to allow us to have a break and would come with us for day trips and beach days. They are getting old now and physically wouldn’t be able to manage my youngest who is 5

Blondebakingmumma Tue 22-Oct-19 11:12:40

You are the mum. If you feel uncomfortable with your child being taken away for so long say no and compromise to a time you are happy with

echt Tue 22-Oct-19 11:12:46

This very vague. You don't know why you feel as you do, and ascribe reasons for her motives based on nothing.

If you don't what to do it, don't, but don't blame it on her.

Blondebakingmumma Tue 22-Oct-19 11:13:16

Maybe suggest you go with her and your child to the beach if it is an outing she is desperate for

Itsreallymehonest Tue 22-Oct-19 11:13:45

Your child, your rules, but do you use childcare? If so then perhaps YABU. Maybe go with them?

echt Tue 22-Oct-19 11:14:41

Oh, and she's not interfering. She wants to do a one-off thing you don't like. Interfering implies a continual kind of behaviour.

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 11:16:52

I think I feel like this as she is over involved I suffered badly with baby blues like I'm sure most new mums do and instead of giving me space and time to adjust to parent hood day and night I had people round my house, she makes comments about the way I look (tired) I didn't want my child on social media and even to this day she still complains saying I'm being unreasonable and should allow her as this is the world we live.
I think I'll do what you all have said so far and maybe see if she will meet in the middle, its just when she has him she doesn't stick to his routine .

Atalune Tue 22-Oct-19 11:17:32

You say “a fair few hours”....

How long exactly in the car?

I think it’s nice that she wants to be involved.

Think there is a massive back story.

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 11:19:39

its not I don't like it, I'm uncomfortable about not being at hand for my child. yes I do use child care for only two days.

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 11:20:15

it will be a three hour car journey

NearlyGranny Tue 22-Oct-19 11:21:34

Why hasn:t she asked you along?

PlasticPatty Tue 22-Oct-19 11:22:06

Anything that you are not comfortable with is unreasonable. Do not allow it. She has no rights to your child.

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 11:22:28

no idea, she just didn't ask if me or my husband wanted to go just said about her and her partner and obviously my child

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 11:23:08

Thank you plastic patty smile

Itsreallymehonest Tue 22-Oct-19 11:23:09

If it's the distance you are uncomfortable with then, rather than the actual time, I do understand this. Suggest something as fun but closer.

Pharlapwasthebest Tue 22-Oct-19 11:25:01

I wouldn’t have been comfortable with that either at that age, and it is your decision. Stand firm.

Nanny0gg Tue 22-Oct-19 11:26:57

A three hour drive for a day trip at that age is madness anyway.

Maybe when he's (a lot) older

DriftingLeaves Tue 22-Oct-19 11:27:50

3 hours away is too much, I agree. But a trip out with grandparents is a treat for most children. Maybe suggest somewhere nearer and just for the morning.afternoon.

It's important that DCs bond with their grandparents but parents can draw the line in a reasonable place.

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 11:30:43

Thank you everyone for your great advise, I think I will ask and see if she is happy to do something closer to home and maybe not all day.
she does look after my DC every Monday so I know she does get plenty of bonding time.

I think I have a few issues that I need to resolve myself as I don't know why, but do any of you get the feeling that people are trying to replace you or take your place as a parent?

DarlingNikita Tue 22-Oct-19 11:33:33

instead of giving me space and time to adjust to parent hood day and night I had people round my house* What does this mean? confused When you'd just had your baby SHE invited people to YOUR house? You (well, your DH) should have told her then to fucking pack it in.

she makes comments about the way I look (tired) Tell her she's rude and she will not be welcome in your house/to see you if she carries on.

I didn't want my child on social media and even to this day she still complains saying I'm being unreasonable and should allow her as this is the world we live. Again, tell her she can have her opinion but you have yours and you don't want to hear any more of it.

Chottie Tue 22-Oct-19 11:37:09

OP - just say no and repeat if necessary.

I am a MiL and a devoted DGM and there is no way on earth, I would ever take my DGC anywhere without the consent and agreement of my DD and my SiL.

Stay strong and stick to your guns flowers

Wonkybanana Tue 22-Oct-19 11:40:25

do any of you get the feeling that people are trying to replace you or take your place as a parent?

OP is there a lot more to this?

And when you say you had people round at the house all the time after you'd had the baby, do you mean her? People she invited? Other people that were nothing to do with her?

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 11:41:34

instead of giving me space and time to adjust to parent hood day and night I had people round my house* What does this mean? confused When you'd just had your baby SHE invited people to YOUR house? You (well, your DH) should have told her then to fucking pack it in. , so basically she would say oh so and so is coming over at this time, she always did this when my husband wasn't home so he could say anything and I was in a very venerably place as I have just had a child and none of my family are near me

villamariavintrapp Tue 22-Oct-19 11:44:09

Well I think the issue might be that she does child care? If she's looking after him herself one day anyway then I'm not sure it matters too much where she goes? You obviously trust her to care for your child. If you're not comfortable or don't really trust her with that then maybe pay for childcare?

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 11:44:44

OP is there a lot more to this?
do any of you get the feeling that people are trying to replace you or take your place as a parent?

I think its just me I just wanted to know if other people had this feeling.

And when you say you had people round at the house all the time after you'd had the baby, do you mean her? People she invited? Other people that were nothing to do with her?

she invited her friends ( people I barely know) and family round and I even had to leave the house four days after giving birth even though I wasn't in a good way. this started to happen the first day I came home from the hospital

GPatz Tue 22-Oct-19 11:45:32

You are not expected to just hand your child over when asked, just like she is not expect to provide childcare. Works both ways.

BreatheAndFocus Tue 22-Oct-19 11:45:38

She sounds quite overbearing to me from what you’ve said. Does she undermine you? Make you feel crap? Is she saying that you look tired out of genuine concern or to be nasty or to imply you’re not coping?

YADNBU. The trip sounds far too long for a young child. In fact, the whole thing creeps me out a bit, having had a grandparent trying to take over.

Say no to this trip. Personally I wouldn’t even suggest a closer trip. It’s your child. Don’t feel pressured.

If she says you’re tired again, look surprised, shrug it off casually and say I’m Fine, Thank You. She’ll soon stop if you politely cut her off.

Cuppaand2biscuits Tue 22-Oct-19 11:45:41

In this situation she's not being an 'intervening mil ' she's (trying) to be a grandparent.
Could you start small with more local trips out for a few hours then build up to longer days out further away? Or could you go along too then mil still gets time with grandchildren but you are there too?
13 months is still very young and I do understand why you might worry but unless you have specific concerns about mil then it would probably be good for you all for them to spend some time together.

FindusCrispyPancakes Tue 22-Oct-19 11:45:50

I guess it's up to you. I get it, I wouldn't allow my in-laws to take my children our for the day, they are 3 and 2. It's more about that I don't like them though than not trusting them or worrying my children will miss me. My own parents take my children all over. It's up to you (and your husband obviously) who you trust with your children, if you don't want them to take your child out just say no.

Idontwanttotalk Tue 22-Oct-19 11:46:04

If you say no, is it possible she will take your DD to the beach on a Monday when she looks after her?

Cherrysoup Tue 22-Oct-19 11:48:34

She sounds like she stamps all over your boundaries. I'd pull right back. Inviting her mates to your house? Why on earth didn't your DH tell them to fuck right off?

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 11:51:51

Thank you Chottie, its nice to hear from a MIL.

I think I just need to do what you all say and stand firm but be reasonable

INeedAFlerken Tue 22-Oct-19 11:54:10

Just say no.

Several hours away in the car from you, to a beach ... 13 months old ... no. I would have said no as well when mine were that age.

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 11:55:47

She sounds quite overbearing to me from what you’ve said. Does she undermine you? Make you feel crap? Is she saying that you look tired out of genuine concern or to be nasty or to imply you’re not coping?

yes she undermines me a lot and uses my husband against me as he doesn't like conflict so i have to deal with it myself.

If she says you’re tired again, look surprised, shrug it off casually and say I’m Fine, Thank You. She’ll soon stop if you politely cut her off. great advise smile

She sounds like she stamps all over your boundaries. I'd pull right back. Inviting her mates to your house? Why on earth didn't your DH tell them to fuck right off?

because he thought it was fine he didn't handle me having the blues very well and she just didn't care she wanted to show off my child which i sort of understand, but then i think surely as a mother you would know i need time.

privatehack4 Tue 22-Oct-19 11:56:29

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong Tue 22-Oct-19 11:57:35

I can't imagine a 13mo would be happy with a car ride that's 3hrs each way. If she's minding your DS all day then maybe say you'd be happy for her to take him somewhere local (max 30 mins car journey) but you don't want him being strapped in the car for such a long time.

CoffeeBeansGalore Tue 22-Oct-19 11:58:39

My MIL & SIL tried something similar when my dd was approx 1yr. I said no, day too long, she was too young, etc. It didn't go down well but not their child so tough. (It was to suit them as they wanted company for SILs child on a spontaneous day out, not for us or our dd)

TiddlesTheTiger Tue 22-Oct-19 11:59:03

What's to stop her doing the trip on a Monday, while she's childminding?

I'm a MiL and Gran too, and I think you should say no to this, and be more firm with her, in general.
Also get your DH on side.

sparkly40 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:00:17

Can I ask why you don't want your child on social media why can her grandparents show him/her off. I have a friend who has this with when daughter-in-law and whilst it's your choice I can get my head round it.

Contraceptionismyfriend Tue 22-Oct-19 12:02:35

So start creating conflict for your husband. Make it so he knows that his life will be harder and more difficult if he doesn't start standing up against his mother.

It's his mother. So block her on your phone. She doesn't come to your house unless he is there.
You don't have to have anything to do with her.

You need to grow a spine.

Lolapusht Tue 22-Oct-19 12:04:25

OP, why did you have to leave the house 4 days after giving birth?

How are you doing now? Do you still feel like you have PND? Having to deal with someone who doesn’t give you space to be a new parent would not help you recover physically or mentally.

BreatheAndFocus Tue 22-Oct-19 12:07:08

yes she undermines me a lot and uses my husband against me as he doesn't like conflict so i have to deal with it myself

Have you spoken to your DH about this (the general situation not this trip)? Perhaps he doesn’t understand how much it’s upsetting you. I can’t believe your MIL invited all her friends round! Cheeky cow!

Your DH should be standing up to her, but if he won’t you can do it yourself. Remember you define yourself. Refuse to let her crap affect you flowers

If it was me, I’d find alternative childcare.

SugarPlumLairy2 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:12:35

OP trust your feelings.
Your baby only needs you. Your MIL wants alone time so that she can fulfill het Granny fantasy etc but it only benefits her. Not you and certainly not your baby. Definition of selfish, at your child’s expense.

Ask her “why do you exclude me? Why do you want to take MY child so far away from their mum? Why don’t you wait for an invitation to visit? Why is it such a big deal to have it your way?”
If she makes a fuss say } hmm I can see your getting very emotional, maybe we’ll discuss who MY child spends time with when you’re able to respond calmly and rationally”

You are the mum, you’re in charge, you don’t have to let baby visit alone, without you. Say NO.

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:14:45

Can I ask why you don't want your child on social media why can her grandparents show him/her off. I have a friend who has this with when daughter-in-law and whilst it's your choice I can get my head round it. as I just don't want there to be a phone constantly in my DC face and I want people to enjoy the here and now, plus there are creeps out there

*OP, why did you have to leave the house 4 days after giving birth?

How are you doing now? Do you still feel like you have PND? Having to deal with someone who doesn’t give you space to be a new parent would not help you recover physically or mentally.*
because she wanted me to see her mum and have a bunch of pictures taken, I remember the day so well my DH had taken me out to register our DC and I felt horrendous, then on the way to his nan I burst out crying saying I didn't want to have my picture he said it's just one small thing and he told his mum to give me a minute as I had been crying she told me that I have to just get on with it. this is some one who works in mental health care also.

i don't know really how i am doing, today i feel quite low. i just kind of do the things that need do like usual house jobs my work and that's it

DarlingNikita Tue 22-Oct-19 12:15:18

so basically she would say oh so and so is coming over at this time, she always did this when my husband wasn't home so he could say anything and I was in a very venerably place as I have just had a child and none of my family are near me

She's awful. She took advantage when you were down. Your DH needs to hear exactly how you feel about all this and he needs to tell HIS mother to fucking behave.

ThatMuppetShow Tue 22-Oct-19 12:16:38

YANBU

Your MIL could take your one-year-old to a local baby soft play, or park or whatever, the long drive is completely unnecessary.

If you are not comfortable at all, it's perfectly fine to. YOU are the mother, you get to decide .The compromise would be to invite your MIL and go to a play cafe, or park or somewhere child friendly all together. Easy, she gets to spend time with your baby, but you are around.

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:16:53

Have you spoken to your DH about this (the general situation not this trip)? Perhaps he doesn’t understand how much it’s upsetting you.
He does but switches off as he doesn't want hassle he says he doesn't want to upset me or his mother but its always me that has to stand down.

DarlingNikita Tue 22-Oct-19 12:16:55

Can I ask why you don't want your child on social media why can her grandparents show him/her off. I have a friend who has this with when daughter-in-law and whilst it's your choice I can get my head round it.

I know people with babies/children who also choose not to have their child on social media, both for the OP's reasons and because the child doesn't have a say in it and they don't want to put pictures etc up without the child being able to give informed consent. It's not that hard to understand, is it?

Contraceptionismyfriend Tue 22-Oct-19 12:20:16

So be upset! Tell him that he is a husband and a father first and that if you are the woman he wants to be with he has to sort this shit out.

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:22:29

So be upset! Tell him that he is a husband and a father first and that if you are the woman he wants to be with he has to sort this shit out.

will do, something needs to be done

BreatheAndFocus Tue 22-Oct-19 12:35:49

He does but switches off as he doesn't want hassle he says he doesn't want to upset me or his mother but its always me that has to stand down

Tell him what you said there. Tell him he needs to set some boundaries with his mother. Remind him you and your DC are his family and, although connected to both families, are a separate unit that he should be supporting.

Your MIL sounds like a bully with that whole photo affair. Nasty.

BTW, I don’t put photos of my DC on social media. You’re doing nothing wrong. Ignore the bullying cow. Sorry, but I’m feeling angry on your behalf.

If you need support with feeling down, do speak to someone. But your feelings about your MIL are valid.

Beveren Tue 22-Oct-19 12:39:03

so basically she would say oh so and so is coming over at this time, she always did this when my husband wasn't home

I know you were vulnerable at the time, but I hope you've managed to put in some boundaries since then? It's easy enough to say "Sorry, no, that doesn't work for me, I'll let YOU know when it may be convenient for people to call."

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:39:35

Tell him what you said there. Tell him he needs to set some boundaries with his mother. Remind him you and your DC are his family and, although connected to both families, are a separate unit that he should be supporting.

this is great i have written this down and will speak with him tonight

Jojowash Tue 22-Oct-19 12:42:46

Maybe anxieties stemming from your pnd. We all have that overwhelming protectiveness at the best of time. I was happy for mine to take little ones out now and then. I don't think it should be a problem personally, it's quite nice x

Motoko Tue 22-Oct-19 12:43:29

OP, it's your decision. She sounds awful, and I wouldn't want her doing childcare for me, because I wouldn't be able to trust her. I suppose her doing childcare is her idea, and your husband wants her to do it. Is that correct?

The thing is though, if she's looking after your child one day a week, she can just take your child on these trips then, and not tell you. You need to stop using her for childcare.

There's nothing wrong per se, with a grandparent wanting to take their GC out for the day, but it depends on how old the child is, the distance involved, whether the mother trusts the GP to keep the child to their routine, as much as possible, and whether the GP will also adhere to any other things the mother asks them to do, or not to do.
If you can't trust them, then absolutely you should say no.

You need to kick up more of a fuss than his mother, so your DH takes your side, instead of hers. You are the one he's living with, who he wanted to have children with, so he needs to back you up. Otherwise, he can go back and live with her.

And I say this as a grandmother, and when I was a young mum, I knew I could trust both sets of GPs, so my children often went out for the day, or even on holiday, with them. But the difference being, I trusted them, and the children were a few years older then.

Lolapusht Tue 22-Oct-19 12:47:31

That sounds completely unreasonable and horrible to have been expected to do all of that! Your DH sounds like he’s not balancing your needs at all and his not wanting to upset you or his mum just ends up with his mum getting what she wants and you being upset. I’m sure there will be some that say it’s lovely to have a gran involved...she’s helping with childcare etc but your wishes are regularly being undermined and if you don’t feel like you are in control of being a parent that may well contribute to how you’re feeling.

Have a look at this link as there may be something that helps

PND

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:49:55

OP, it's your decision. She sounds awful, and I wouldn't want her doing childcare for me, because I wouldn't be able to trust her. I suppose her doing childcare is her idea, and your husband wants her to do it. Is that correct?
yes her idea its to help with cost apparently.

i think your right i just don't trust that she will stick to my routine with my DC and i can almost be certain if i asked her to be back by a certain time she would come back late.

Lonely234566778 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:57:24

*That sounds completely unreasonable and horrible to have been expected to do all of that! Your DH sounds like he’s not balancing your needs at all and his not wanting to upset you or his mum just ends up with his mum getting what she wants and you being upset. I’m sure there will be some that say it’s lovely to have a gran involved...she’s helping with childcare etc but your wishes are regularly being undermined and if you don’t feel like you are in control of being a parent that may well contribute to how you’re feeling.

Have a look at this link as there may be something that helps*

thank you, you have hit the nail on the head here.
i think i best get in contact with my HV.

sweetiepy Tue 22-Oct-19 13:04:05

It is up to the parents if they want their child’s photos on Facebook, nobody else! My daughter chooses when to post pictures of her baby, not I, and I respect her choices!

When my gd was born I offered to cook their evening meals for the first week or so to help them out. They could come to my house and leave straight afterwards if they wished, or I would take their meal to their home and drop it off! Again I respected their choices!

Op, your dh and you should decide on the boundaries you wish to have and you should support each other to stick to these boundaries!
It is the grandparents duty to support their family, not to dictate what should happen!
I have a great relationship with both my dd and dsil because they know I respect the way they wish to bring up their child and will not overstep any boundaries.

Nofunkingworriesmate Tue 22-Oct-19 13:04:18

She sounds horrible and scary that she works in mental health hope togod I never meet her!
Cant believe she invited randoms over to your house post birth
You need to get oh to tell her no to the days out, The photos post birth I would hate that too!

Sotiredbutcannotsleep Tue 22-Oct-19 13:08:42

My sister has this exact situation with her MIL except she insisted on taking her DC one day a week since DC was 4 weeks old. Unfortunately BIL pressured my sister to do this too. My sister felt the same as you and I feel with in laws you should only start something if you don't mind them thinking this is ok for it to be a regular thing. My dsis believes this contributed to her PND and unfortunately in her case, it definitely does sound like the MIL is trying to take the place of a parent (deciding on what DC should wear on special occasions, decorating a spare room in her house with bed etc for DC without consulting dsis whether DC can stay overnight, planning days out with DC without consulting dsis and being very forceful on occasions with her decisions). My dsis feels she was only a convenient walking womb for her. Listen to your gut, if you are not comfortable then don't do it. Re-assess the situation in a year's time, you may be ok with it in the future once everyone is clear on boundaries and you've seen them respecting your choices like routine etc. Good luck.

Sotiredbutcannotsleep Tue 22-Oct-19 13:13:52

Sorry just to add her MIL works in social services and is has made accusations before to scare my dsis, like a controlling thing. Not to say that is what is happening in your situation but just to say some MILs have major insecurities about not being the 'favoured' grandparent when it's their son's DC.

aweedropofsancerre Tue 22-Oct-19 13:52:14

Sotiredbutcannotsleep that is shocking. Is your sister still with her DH? If that had been my adult DD being treated like by the MIL I would have been on the phone to the woman and her pathetic DH. Very sad

Sotiredbutcannotsleep Tue 22-Oct-19 14:29:30

They did split up briefly and our family tried to help her (she did the Freedom course, called Womens Aid, saw a solicitor etc) but in the end I think she thought it better to go back as even with 50/50 custody, the MIL would probably be taking the DC instead of BIL. sad

Blondebakingmumma Tue 22-Oct-19 15:06:25

Just say no!

You don’t have to justify why.

I really feel that people only take advantage of ppl who let them.

Say no

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