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Genuinely confused my dh reaction - AIBU?

(98 Posts)
MissBax Tue 22-Oct-19 09:44:02

So just for a very quick background, been together 7 years, have a 2 year old dd.

I don't go out drinking with mates that often as I'm on the wrong side of 30,work full time with a toddler and usually prefer an early night with a book. Not that it's relevant to be fair but just felt the need to chuck that in there.

Went to a comedy night with 'BFF' last night, and neither of us are working today so decided to stay out and have a few drinks when it finished. We don't catch up often as we live in different cities so we got a bit carried away and I stumbled in about 4am. Dh is working today and I'm up with dd (so we know who the real loser is in this situation). Anyhoo, I digress.

I text dh as we arrived to a bar at about 11:30 and just said we've decided to come for a drink, not to wait up, and to sleep well etc. Then text again about 1am just to say we're still out (assuming of course he'd be asleep but that if he woke up he'd be reassured to my whereabouts). He didn't reply obviously.

Then this morning he has text me from work saying how I'm thoughtless, inconsiderate, one message even said it feels like I 'don't care about him much' which I'm very confused about. He's generally very laid back, and it's not like I go out on a late one often at all, although even if I did - so?!

I don't know whether I'm being hangover blind or whether I am genuinely BU or he is, but are we now expected to update each other hourly (despite the fact one of us is asleep)?! I'm so lost as to what I've done wrong.

I gave dd dinner last night before I went out, and I'm the one up with her today, it's affected approximately zero of his evening or morning and yet I'm being made to feel I've committed a sin? I've said I'm confused about his reaction, to which he replied that 'you'd be fuming if it was the other way round' - can't for the life of me decipher why though.

So AIBU? Is he? Are we both? Help a sister out!

RosemarysBush Tue 22-Oct-19 09:46:46

YANBU. Well let us know when he’s explained why he’s so pissed off!

TheMustressMhor Tue 22-Oct-19 09:46:57

I don't know if either of you is BU.

What's he like generally? Have you ever discussed the fact that sometimes you might like to stay out and get drunk?

Do you think he thought that you were with another man?

strawberry2017 Tue 22-Oct-19 09:48:09

Maybe he didn't appreciate the second text coz it may have woken him up?
Like you say though it's not like you do it all the time so tell him to STFU if he starts! X

MaxNormal Tue 22-Oct-19 09:50:14

Does he go out drinking late with his friends much?

ImportantWater Tue 22-Oct-19 09:50:41

I think if DH didn’t get back from a night out until 4am and had last texted me at 1, I would be worried about him if I woke up at say 3 and he wasn’t back and there was no word from him. Because that would be unusual. In fact that situation did happen once, he had fallen asleep on the tube. I wasn’t so much fuming as worried. On the other hand, if he rolled in drunk at 4am and was supposed to be looking after our toddler the next day I would be pretty cross, it would impact on me as I would be anxious all day that he was in no fit state to mind them.

gamerchick Tue 22-Oct-19 09:50:55

you'd be fuming if it was the other way round' - can't for the life of me decipher why though

Well there has been a lot of threads on here in the past about guys who stop out all night, will come rolling in stupid o'clock and kids have to be left with that hungover parent etc etc.

Sounds like he was worried just out of the blue and is cross about it. You need to talk to him later.

MissBax Tue 22-Oct-19 09:53:27

Generally he's very laid back, and as I say I rarely go out drinking as I can't bare hangovers and genuinely prefer early nights.
I don't think it would concern me if he did the same as he's quite a home bird too and I'd see that he's just having a one off night out. I'd take advantage of having the bed to myself and probably sleep really well. If I did wake up and see he'd text me saying he's still out that would make me feel better than not but I'd only be angry if I had no idea whether he was safe or not, or if it became habit.

Rosemary I shall! He must just be having a bad day or something but it all just seemed rather rash and I was very confused

WomensRightsAreContraversial Tue 22-Oct-19 09:53:42

Do you think he waited up? Had a crap night with the child?

Windydaysuponus Tue 22-Oct-19 09:54:01

Maybe because this is so out of character for you his mind went into total overdrive and he was adding 2+2 and getting ons.....
Do not apologise for his attitude though op...

MissBax Tue 22-Oct-19 09:57:19

ImportantWater yes I totally get that, although I stopped drinking alcohol around midnight and switched to water (thankfully I'm feeling fairly OK today), so more than happy to be spending the day with dd and don't actually think that's his concern. I might be wrong though.
Yes, I'll just have a proper chat when he gets home. Just seemed very over the top for his usual calm nature but maybe it was a bit irresponsible of me in hindsight then.

moomoogalicious Tue 22-Oct-19 09:58:09

Well there has been a lot of threads on here in the past about guys who stop out all night, will come rolling in stupid o'clock and kids have to be left with that hungover parent etc etc.

But the kids haven't been left with him? Plus on those threads the DH has usually either not called to say he'll be back late or makes a habit of rolling in at 4am.

OP you did nothing wrong. Please don't apologise to him.

ClemDanFango Tue 22-Oct-19 10:05:09

You’ve done nothing wrong, you’re an adult and don’t need his permission to be out and he has no right to set a curfew for you! He’s not your Dad!
You checked in with him twice through the night and stopped drinking at a reasonable time, the time you came home is irrelevant as he was fast asleep not waking up for you worrying!
I think he’s a tad jealous and taking it out on you.

ClemDanFango Tue 22-Oct-19 10:05:46

waiting up that should say.

Lweji Tue 22-Oct-19 10:09:43

This is why I try not to have discussions over texts.

Talk to him and ask him exactly why he is so upset. No point in leaving you to guess.

Didn't you wake up at more or less the same time? Why text from work?

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong Tue 22-Oct-19 10:09:43

If my DH rolled in drunk at 4am, when he knew he had to be up caring for a 2yr old, I think I'd be annoyed. But that's probably because I know my husband would want to sleep during the day or would be irritable and so not the best person to be caring/amusing a young child. I also don't sleep well when husband or our 18 & 20 yo DDs are out in the early hours, so I would have likely been waking up frequently to check if the person was back (and if not, worrying where they were).

I think you need to have a calm chat with him and find out why he is of the opinion that your behaviour was thoughtless, inconsiderate and uncaring.

MissBax Tue 22-Oct-19 10:10:57

moomoo and clem

Thank you! That's the exact reply I would give a friend if they came to me with this too. I'm a responsible adult and booked annual leave this weekend and was just enjoying myself!

TheMustressMhor Tue 22-Oct-19 10:14:06

(thankfully I'm feeling fairly OK today), so more than happy to be spending the day with dd and don't actually think that's his concern.

But your care of DD is his concern. Maybe that's why he's upset?

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 22-Oct-19 10:18:08

Is your BFF male or female and might this colour his view? Does BFF have a history of getting into trouble, drinking too much and making daft decisions or waking up in strange beds?

I admit I'd be a bit 'hmmmm' if a partner who didn't go out much at all suddenly decided to stay out until 4am, phone updates or not.

AryaStarkWolf Tue 22-Oct-19 10:19:15

YANBU at all.

Blondebakingmumma Tue 22-Oct-19 10:20:51

I think you need him to clarify why he is angry.

Is it

Because you stayed out late

Drunk too much (in his opinion) the night before being responsible for your child

Didn’t communicate frequently enough for his liking

Something else?

I think until you know exactly why he is angry it’s hard to address.

I personally don’t think you have done anything wrong and my hubby wouldn’t mind me going out with a friend. I think he would worry a bit if I came home so much later than planned without a text to say “having great time, staying out later”

areyoubeingserviced Tue 22-Oct-19 10:22:30

He was probably worried, particularly as you don’t go out often

INeedAFlerken Tue 22-Oct-19 10:24:43

you haven't done anything wrong. He's being a jerk, and hopefully he'll apologise without you needing to point it out to him by the end of today.

Damntheman Tue 22-Oct-19 10:26:40

YANBU. It can be hard for me to fall asleep if I'm not sure when DH will get home - but that's entirely on me and I don't blame him for it.

I am also curious as to what your DH is actually upset about. Hopefully he will explain himself soon! Maybe your 1am message woke him up and that was the inconsiderate thing? (although then you'd think he'd put his phone on silent).

fromdownwest Tue 22-Oct-19 10:27:49

I am very chilled in my relationship, and if my partner wants to stay out until 4 am then crack on, more staying power than me.

However, if I last had a text at 1 am and my partner was not one to usually stay out, I would be be very concerned about their well being if anything. Nothing to do with control, just concern.

As a rule if either of us are staying out late, we keep the other person updated. Still out, getting food, waiting for taxi etc. Not habitually checking in.

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