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Am I being financially abusive?

(89 Posts)
mylifenow27 Tue 22-Oct-19 08:01:59

After seeing how other people manage their money I feel like I'm being financially abusive (maybe that's a bit strong but I feel guilty). But my other half literally leaves it to me and is happy with that. we normally sit down once a month an go over spending and do a plan.

As my other half earns everything. He can buy as he likes but probably doesn't by that much (3 weeks ago he spent £500 on clothes (£139 on a new coat) an normally just some nice beers on a weekend. I buy all the shopping an make sure I get food he likes, I also buy all the house decor things so that's done for him.

We aren't married. I spend it how I like (literally) I put some in my savings account, other bits away for Christmas etc an organise all the bills being paid. Pay our private pension, health insurance etc. Buy us clothes all the kids stuff. I earn nothing as stay at home with the baby, but the two eldest are at school and one in the middle at full time nursery.

Everything he pays for including the cleaner and laundrette for the family's washing and ironing. So I don't do much house work apart from tidying.

To be fair though I didn't want to have anymore children I wanted to study and go back into work. But I gave him the children he wanted.

After reading some posts I feel a bit cruel now, but if anything ever happened I would share my savings equally, I suppose I balance it out with putting my life on hold to have kids.

AIBU?

Iggly Tue 22-Oct-19 08:05:36

I’m not sure I understand or whether you’re giving enough information.

The only bit that jumped out was that you were putting money into your savings - aren’t they joint savings?

Loopytiles Tue 22-Oct-19 08:06:58

You’re not married, so SAH is a massive financial risk.

Whingebagbingsnemesis Tue 22-Oct-19 08:07:47

Why are you putting money in your savings?

Greywalls12 Tue 22-Oct-19 08:08:16

Why are they not both of your savings?

Redcherries Tue 22-Oct-19 08:08:16

Doe he get savings too? That stood out as a little strange but the rest just sounds like normal money management and I don’t think it’s unusual for one partner to deal with that, as long as you’re not depriving him whilst filtering money into a private account in your name?

hormonesorDHbeingadick Tue 22-Oct-19 08:08:23

Does he have access to money? Is he able to spend as he wants or does he have to ask you for money? In that case he is not being abused. He is just leaving the wife work to you.

A side note, I wouldn’t be happy being a sham when not married.

Wildorchidz Tue 22-Oct-19 08:08:27

How much does he earn?
How much do you save?

DonningDaFlameProof Tue 22-Oct-19 08:10:34

Why aren't you married?

HavelockVetinari Tue 22-Oct-19 08:12:57

YANBU to keep some savings in your name, since you're not married - is the house also in your name? Be very careful to protect yourself, he could leave you practically penniless bringing up 4 kids.

Fairylea Tue 22-Oct-19 08:13:26

You not being married is the biggest problem here as if you split up you wouldn’t be entitled to anything.

Do you both have equal spending money?

HappyAtWork Tue 22-Oct-19 08:15:09

I think it is odd to be stashing money away in your own savings account. Why don’t you put it in a joint one? Or are you worried your relationship may change and you’ll be left with little money?

I think as long as he knows what is going on then it is all ok. Is he aware?

mylifenow27 Tue 22-Oct-19 08:16:02

I put it into my personal savings account as it's harder to access so we don't move it out and spend it. He knows that very thing that is in their though an I am very honest with it. If we were to separate I would split it equally.

As we are however not married and I have never studied or had a amazing career I have no prospects. This is why I wanted to go back to school. But he wanted more children.

He does however want to get married and has mentioned it numerous times as he feels we should be married however after having kids and being pregnant again I don't want to marry while over weight (vanity reasons) also I don't see marriage as a dream really more a legal thing. I'm move we love each other and that's enough for me.

Gazelda Tue 22-Oct-19 08:16:57

That doesn't sound at all financially abusive. He has money when he wants/needs it. I presume he has access to all the accounts?

Cornishmum00 Tue 22-Oct-19 08:18:56

Apart from putting his wages in your savings (joint savings would be fine) the rest sounds ok

mylifenow27 Tue 22-Oct-19 08:19:00

I put it into my personal savings account as it's harder to access so we don't move it out and spend it. He knows that very thing that is in their though an I am very honest with it. If we were to separate I would split it equally.

As we are however not married and I have never studied or had a amazing career I have no prospects. This is why I wanted to go back to school. But he wanted more children.

He does however want to get married and has mentioned it numerous times as he feels we should be married however after having kids and being pregnant again I don't want to marry while over weight (vanity reasons) also I don't see marriage as a dream really more a legal thing. I'm move we love each other and that's enough for me.

Our house is currently rented. He runs a business that we are joint directors off. I haven't got lots in my savings under 3k. Without my name on this business it wouldn't be able to operate as he was made bankrupt in the past.

OtraCosaMariposa Tue 22-Oct-19 08:19:18

I'm move we love each other and that's enough for me.

Jeezo. Wise up woman. Marriage is indeed a legal thing which will puts your relationship on a legal standing. You are confusing a marriage with a wedding. You don't need the big dress, cake, photos or the rest of it. Just get yourself down the registry office.

Oh, and get back to school and do some learning.

mylifenow27 Tue 22-Oct-19 08:24:27

Sorry tried to edit it but it posted all again I wanted to add this bit.

Our house is currently rented. He runs a business that we are joint directors off. I haven't got lots in my savings under 3k. Without my name on this business it wouldn't be able to operate as he was made bankrupt in the past. So there is also a personal guarantee against my name.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall Tue 22-Oct-19 08:26:13

mylife I'm in a slightly similar situation here with DH where on the surface it looks like I'm financially controlling. But DH ran us into debt, quite how it wasn't massive amounts was luck more than judgment, as he has no idea how much things cost or how to budget etc which was really never an issue before we had DC. We have joint accounts and our own accounts, we both have play money too and he has full oversight. But we have a budget that needs to be stuck to in order for us to not go into debt again. Any big purchases we agree together. DH is happier now knowing I take care of it as well.

Aus84 Tue 22-Oct-19 08:33:04

Sounds fine except you're the only one with a savings account. Why not do some admin work for the business and get some work experience that way?

dottiedodah Tue 22-Oct-19 08:34:36

This sounds a similar situation to mine .I am in charge of most household bills and food shops .However I feel you would be wise to get married ,as it is risky for you if you were to break up for any reason .Just set a date and have a little party ,no need to go mad . Many people (including me) ! are a little overweight ,doesnt mean you cant look nice !

Sparklybanana Tue 22-Oct-19 08:38:44

You are seriously putting your future at risk in oder to lose weight for a dream wedding? That's crazy. Get down to the registry office and get the legal bit done so you and your family are protected. You have zero rights at the moment - he gets run over by a bus then everything goes to the next of kin which is not you. He decides to leave you because some young thing wants a bit of his money? You get nothing. Don't say either of these things won't happen because these forums are filled with tales of woe after these things have happened. Have the fairytale wedding whenever you like, but get married for the formal bit, especially when he is on side too. Marriage is not just love, not just a piece of paper. It's your protection and his.

Do a bit of reading about the pros and cons of marriage and then decide whether it's a vanity project or actually a great idea...

pasturesgreen Tue 22-Oct-19 08:40:34

Without my name on this business it wouldn't be able to operate as he was made bankrupt in the past

I'd say this doesn't sound terribly reassuring for the future of said business? What would the financial consequences be for you personally if this business were to go bust?

Also what everyone else has said wrt the savings account.

AliceLittle Tue 22-Oct-19 08:43:13

Your name on the business isn't a guarantee, it's a liability.

Foxyloxy1plus1 Tue 22-Oct-19 08:45:42

Are you pregnant at the moment? I thought you intimated that in one of your posts. You have a cleaner and someone to do the laundry. Is there no time left for you to do some studying to improve your prospects.

I think that I’d worry less about being financially abusive to your DP and more about buying a house, rather than paying rent and considering marriage to protect yourself.

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