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To think moving in with my bf who earns 8/9 times more than me will work

(279 Posts)
gotmysexybodback Tue 22-Oct-19 07:33:14

No...not a boast, no buns please!

We love each other. We have gone through terrible divorces recently. I have 2 children aged 11 (DD) & 9(DS). They are happy with the idea and like my bf.

But because I gave up a good career to take care of DD (she has SEN but is doing well), Ive killed off any chance of gaining a decent salary for years.

The idea is that we purchase a big house together. I'll put in 400k from my financial split from my divorce. He was fleeced by his ex so will get a mortgage for the same amount. Then a deed of trust will be drawn up to protect my 400k, should there be a split (hope not).

I earn £800pcm and him . . .lots lots more. How do we split the bills? Bearing in mind I'll be £1000 down per month because my spousal maintenance & child benefit will be taken away.

Please know I feel super lucky to have him in my life and really want this to work but fail to see how!!

Emcont Tue 22-Oct-19 07:37:06

Are you sure this isn't a stealth boast? So you're saying your boyfriend earns at least £6.5k a month (going by your sums) and on your £800 you're worrying about splitting the bills? After you've put £400k into a house? (Is that what you mean by 'put in'?)

How big is this house going to be if your share is £400k?

Ynci Tue 22-Oct-19 07:37:10

I wouldn’t be putting that sort of cash in and moving in without marriage. Sorry, not romantic but true.

73Sunglasslover Tue 22-Oct-19 07:37:56

After the mortgage contribution comes from his wage I'd put all the other money you earn as a couple into a joint account. Would he be happy with that?

Whattodoabout Tue 22-Oct-19 07:37:58

If you have only recently divorced, is moving in with someone new a good idea when you have children? I’d be focusing on them right now and I’d personally use the 400k to buy your own house outright rather than tying yourself to a man you barely know.

Wildorchidz Tue 22-Oct-19 07:39:07


Emcont Tue 22-Oct-19 07:41:40

But in answer to your question...

From experience, unless you are equal in every other sense of the relationship, he WILL at some point throw his wage in your face. With that vast contrast.

Northernsoullover Tue 22-Oct-19 07:42:09

Absolutely no fucking way. You have 400k. That is enough to buy somewhere outright surely? What if he lost his job and the house got repossessed? You'd lose everything (this is obvs worst case scenario)
You love him now but surely you loved your husband? You are old enough to know that things can go wrong.
I wouldn't gamble that cash.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe Tue 22-Oct-19 07:43:20

get the wedding ring first OP....or rent together ....if this all goes pear shaped and I really hope it doesn;t you need to protect you and your daughter first. It sounds cold and heartless I know but being real and being in love are two very different things. Of course your relationship could work out no reason on earth why it wouldn;t But marriages fail all day long and if you don;t protect yourself no one else advice really honestly if your both not ready for marriage is to try it and rent for 12 months then see where you are going then....Please don;t be blinded by love.

Persimmonn Tue 22-Oct-19 07:44:00

You’re spending all your money on a house? And it’s only half a house because you’re buying a 800k house?!

Agree with the poster above. Why are you moving in with someone after a terrible divorce? You have enough money to buy a massive house with a tiny mortgage or outright just for you and your girls. Be independent.

Troels Tue 22-Oct-19 07:45:13

Don't do it.

MustardScreams Tue 22-Oct-19 07:45:44

Why are you moving in already? Surely your children deserve a bit of stability for a while before another huge event?

gotmysexybodback Tue 22-Oct-19 07:46:18

I am focusing on my children! Gosh why make assumptions. I gave up my career for my children.
The 'recent' divorce was because it took forever to happen. So recent being 2 years start to finish.
How do you know I barely know him?
Putting that cash in? It would be returned by a deed of trust, should we split?
Yes, he has a large salary!

73Sunglasslover - you honestly think that would be a fair split? To share ALL our money?

Littlechocola Tue 22-Oct-19 07:46:47

How long have you been living together? Surely you’ve discussed this? If you can’t discuss it then it’s probably not best to buy together just yet.

Disfordarkchocolate Tue 22-Oct-19 07:46:52

Practically I don't think you should put all of your settlement in one place. I'd set aside 100k for my pension and savings. Then, I'd pay bills on a proportion of income basis. However, that is a massive difference and he may think it feels unfair. I think you need to increase your income now your children are older.

PookieDo Tue 22-Oct-19 07:47:17

I am mind boggled why you need an £800,000 house
I can only imagine is this central London or something?
Otherwise I have no idea why anyone would put absolutely everything they own, all your money in the world into a new relationship

MustardScreams Tue 22-Oct-19 07:47:18

If you’ve only been split up from your ex for 2 years, how long have you been with your current partner?

BeesKnees4 Tue 22-Oct-19 07:47:27

Possibly one of the daftess ideas I’ve seen. How long have you been with bf?
Just divorced and going to blow £400k on a house with a bf? Are you nuts?
Get a house/security for your kids, you don’t need to have a £800k house, stand on your own 2 feet!!

PulpPixie Tue 22-Oct-19 07:47:38

A man wouldn’t be told to make sure he was married. The woman would be told NOT to marry to protect her assets. I married someone who made a lot more money than me. It once has he mentioned it or made me feel bad. Everything is shared. Not all men with money are bastards.

If you love each other then go for it.

FlapAttack23 Tue 22-Oct-19 07:47:39

No way. Absolutely not a chance I would do that. Id buy own house and keep my spousal maintenance and child benefit and stand on my own two feet .

PulpPixie Tue 22-Oct-19 07:48:27

Spouses maintenance and benefits is t standing on your own two feet. Your still being subsidised

Delatron Tue 22-Oct-19 07:48:35

How long have you been together?

You should at least rent together first to see how all this will work out. Do not buy a house together yet.

sofato5miles Tue 22-Oct-19 07:49:11

Not all high earners throw their higher earnings in your face hmm. However, you do need to talk to him about it. Not us.

Is there a reason you don't wish to marry? Do you plan to have children? Maybe think about waiting abit until you are both fully committed.

How long have you been together?

HellonHeels Tue 22-Oct-19 07:50:09

Really bad idea. Buy your own house and secure your children's future.

Not sure how you can say your boyfriend was "fleeced" in a settlement. Was your husband "fleeced" because he has to pay you spousal maintenance? If that's really your boyfriend's description then I'd consider that a massive red flag.

gotmysexybodback Tue 22-Oct-19 07:50:14

Northernsoullover - thanks for your non judgmental and sound reply.

How would it be gambling the cash? Really Im asking because the 400k would be in a deed of trust. The house would only be repossesed if we couldn't sell it, should he somehow lose his job.

I really love this man & he treats me wonderfully, something Ive never had before. Perhaps I am blinded by love. . .

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