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To think our money should be shared?

(110 Posts)
Keepgoing88 Tue 22-Oct-19 05:51:03

Firstly I should say I'm not sure if I do think the money we have should be shared but I wasn't sure where to put this post!
I'm married and have 3 kids under 7. I work 2 days a week and my husband full time. After bills / food / kids activities and child care I have around £100 left, most of which gets spent on extra food, petrol etc but is my little buffer. My husband, after paying mortgage and bills has about £1250 left. I don't get any of that unless I ask. He claims it's coz I'm not great with money (I'm not too bad!). Sometimes I think maybe I should get more but I hate broaching the subject. If I ask and he has some he would give me money but I hate asking so just don't really spend much on myself. What would you do would you just ask for more money? If I complain he often says well why don't i get a better paid job. My work is not that badly paid and the hours fit fairly well around DC so for now I don't see how I can do that.

Keepgoing88 Tue 22-Oct-19 10:11:18

Thanks for all the messages. Have poorly baby so not much chance to reply. Before we had our children I use to love shopping and aside from saving a little I would spend on clothes but always made sure not to get into debt and pay bills etc. I have changed this so much and now think I am very thrifty, I shop in cheaper shops where possible and manage to stay within my (very) tight food budget , occasionally i ask him for £50 If I'm running low but could food or kids essentials only. To be honest I don't necessarily NEED the money he has I can manage I just feel like I'm living such a frugal life all the time.
He keeps saying how he never wanted a third child which we have and I think he resents the (small) costs that brings ... My youngest is breastfed and lives in hand me downs so he's not that expensive!!!

Quartz2208 Tue 22-Oct-19 09:37:19

Does he pay anything towards his kids activities either. What does he do with his money

Is free time split as well

You ned to tell him housework childcare etc will need to be split

of course money should be shared you enable him to work that way - one pot split and both pay for the kids

KatharinaRosalie Tue 22-Oct-19 09:33:30

If I complain he often says well why don't i get a better paid job

Tell him that yes you will, organising child care, housework etc is now 50-50 task. I bet he won't be so amused.

So what do you pay and what does he? Proportionally to your income? There are various ways to share family money, but if one partner has taken a hit to their income due to childcare, then in my opinion, the fair option is one pot. Meaning you have 1300 left over every month to share between you 2.

Talcott2007 Tue 22-Oct-19 09:25:11

Posts like this make me so cross - You should be a team. A partnership. Working together so that you all benefit! The work done inside the home is as valuable as the work done outside it. DH and I both earn good salaries. DH earns a little over twice what I earn and gets an annual bonus, he works very hard with long hours in the city and I have recently taken on a new job locally mainly to reduce the need for childcare doing 3.5 days so most of the domestic tasks and caring for DD weekdays falls to me because I'm the only one physically there - When DH is here he is engaged and involved with running our house too - cooking, cleaning, spending time with DD.

Our respective salaries go into our own accounts and we have a joint bank account we both pay a set amount into each month. All family related spending for bills, food, DD's activities etc come from this account. We then agreed what would be a fair split of this cost that would leave us both with money for 'ourselves' it's currently about 2/3 contribution from him and 1/3 from me. DH has way more savings even with him contributing 'more' than me but that's just how it is. Any out of the ordinary expenses are talked about - When we replaced our 8yr old TV last year - We both contributed towards that from our 'personal' money. DH will also occasionally say that the joint account is looking a bit low so he's added an Extra £XX as a buffer.

Collision Tue 22-Oct-19 09:22:53

It’s not how our family works thank goodness

Waveysnail Tue 22-Oct-19 09:21:22

Why dont younagree that he gives you x amount each month?

What does he do with the leftover money - spend/save?

AmIThough Tue 22-Oct-19 09:21:00

Was it a joint decision that you'd work part time? Did you not discuss finances then?

readingismycardio Tue 22-Oct-19 09:19:25

I can't understand couples who don't share finances either. It should be my money and his money (DH earns 5x times than I do), it's OUR money, as a family.

RockinHippy Tue 22-Oct-19 09:19:15

I'm sorry, but your DH is a financially controlling Dickhead.

No, that is not right be far & unless you have done some big financial cock up where you are solely to blame for a big debt, then he's an absolute arse fir saying that he doesn't give you more as your not good with money. Wow, like he's daddy & gets to say how it all goes. He's a wanker & you deserve someone who respects you much more.hmm

When DH was SAHP, he had full access to my bank account & my wages as it became our joint account. Now roles are reversed & he's back at work, he does exactly the same thing for me. All money is pooled & bills paid from that & what is left, belongs to both of us. We've been together over 20 years fir that reason, if he'd have tried to pull the selfish twunt stuff yours is doing, his bags would have been packed years ago

Youseethethingis Tue 22-Oct-19 09:16:45

I wonder what planet this delightful man is on? It must be nice there.

WhatFreshHell71 Tue 22-Oct-19 09:15:06

Family pot surely?

GettingABitDesperateNow Tue 22-Oct-19 09:12:44

If one parent has loads more money than they other when they both contribute roughly equally (and I'd count looking after children and dropping your hours to do so, as contributing), and doesnt give the other free access, and if one parent can spend freely while the other can't then I'd say this is financial abuse.

I'd be asking him to do more around the house, more drop off and pick ups, more emergency days off when the kids are sick and pay childcare so you can go to work so you can buy a new coat or go out for lunch or whatever takes your fancy

heatingsoup Tue 22-Oct-19 09:06:47

But he's said you can have money if you ask for it and you've said you don't like asking.

Sit down and talk to him and split the bills in a way to give you more money if needed. Talk to him.

bookwormsforever Tue 22-Oct-19 08:53:49

* I work 2 days a week and my husband full time. After bills / food / kids activities and child care I have around £100 left, most of which gets spent on extra food, petrol etc but is my little buffer. My husband, after paying mortgage and bills has about £1250 left.*

So you pay all the childcare and for all kids activities?? It beggars belief that people think this is a sensible or fair way to run a relationship. He is not a good man if he's happy to hoard all his money and see you go without.

Sit down with him and write down all your income and outgoings. Look at the disposable income left at the end of the month and ask him if he thinks this is fair.

What doe she spend his money on?? Does he save?

What's he like with the kids and what's the rest of your relationship like?

Ask him how he would deal with the dc if you were not there to look after them, house them, feed them, take them to childcare, etc. He can only work because YOU facilitate him working.

TheMasterBaker Tue 22-Oct-19 08:34:50

@Tree We're the same here, my husband loves that 'I'm the boss' at home, he's a manager at work so he comes home, has his dinner, occasionally takes the bins out and that's his work done, he doesn't have to worry about cooking, ironing, finances etc. My being at home benefits us both, he doesn't have to worry about the bills, school runs, housework and I don't have to worry about work or a commute.

PurpleCrazyHorse Tue 22-Oct-19 08:28:31

He should be paying 50% of the childcare on the days you're both working (you pay the other 50%). He should then be paying you 100% of the childcare for the days you're at home with the children as you're enabling him to go out to work.

Both separate finances and pooled finances for couples can work but you need to be on the same page with neither feeling taken advantage of.

We felt it was right that we pooled especially when I was a SAHM. I was basically facilitating DH's career. He only had to worry about his working day, I dealt with the children, school run, nursery half days, sickness, school holidays. I was essentially a nanny and felt I should be 'paid' (ie. also have access to funds). DH would have to pay for a nanny if I wasn't here so why should I be sat with nothing while DH has loads of disposable cash due to free childcare? We have an allowance for personal spends though as we both have hobbies, plus it helps keep the budget on track.

TheMasterBaker Tue 22-Oct-19 08:25:13

I am a SAHM, husband works full time in a well paid job. We've had a joint bank account since we bought our house. He has never once commented about me spending money as it is our money. He earns the money, I do everything for the kids and house. I feel like I'm not contributing because I'm not contributing financially, but we're a team. You're married with children, you are a team, one member of the team shouldn't have to spend out on household stuff, childcare etc and be left with no 'spare' money while the other is rolling in it. Maybe suggest you go back to work full time and he will have to take on his fair share of paying childcare, groceries, housework etc and see how he feels about that? Makes me realise how lucky I am with DH, he's happy as long as I cook him nice meals and gets to buy the odd playstation game or book.

Vulpine Tue 22-Oct-19 08:17:35

Joint account that you both have access to
What a cock

Cornishmum00 Tue 22-Oct-19 08:15:25

Does he save the money or spend it on himself? I would tell him you need x amount transferred each month to you for the children or he has to pay for childcare so you can increase your hours

JustaScratch Tue 22-Oct-19 08:13:21

This makes me absolutely furious. You are subsiding his life and career success, sacrificing your own earning potential to bring up his children. You are married. The children belong to both of you. So does the money. I speak as someone who has earned more than my DH for most of our marriage and who is now supporting him entirely. We both have equal access and he doesn't have to ask my permission to buy something. How patronising and degrading. But unfortunately all too common.

C8H10N4O2 Tue 22-Oct-19 08:12:08

Its staggering in 2019 that this is still even an item for discussion.

You are a couple, you have a family together. One partner has compromised earning potential to prioritise the family and therefore enable the other partner to earn.

Of course the income is joint, of course the benefits should be shared, so should available leisure time.

Crystal87 Tue 22-Oct-19 08:09:58

* he does get back, that should say.

Crystal87 Tue 22-Oct-19 08:08:59

He should be paying money into your account. My DH works full time and I'm a stay at home parent. We're a family and everything he gives never gets back in food, bills paid etc.

LagunaBubbles Tue 22-Oct-19 08:07:34

You are married, you know partners for life, share children, a bed etc. Of course money should be shared! Situations like this blow my mind. How can any decent partner be happy knowing the other is in this situation?

YobaOljazUwaque Tue 22-Oct-19 08:07:06

This is financial abuse. Its not like you are free to choose how much to earn - you earn what you do because you are shouldering the majority of the impact of parenthood, and that is something that is intrinsically an equal joint responsibility. There is nothing wrong with you choosing as a couple not to split the practical work equally but that means that in the same way the additional money earned by the person who is earning more should be shared because the uneven split of efforts between money-earning work and family-maintenance work is part of a partnership and if he is taking advantage of you getting the shitty end of the stick on one axis without sharing the rewards he reaps from the work he us thereby enabled to do, then he is no partner and no husband and deserves to live lonely and without love.

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